kiababy Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 My affair with my younger, married lover (I'm 46, he's 30) is going into it's 4th year. During the past year he and his wife have had their first child and I broke up with him to pursue a real relationship. I ended my relationship after only a few months, I liked the going out and doing things part, but having a man with me full time felt suffocating. I haven't been intimate with my married lover for over a year now and I don't want to anymore. I love him but just want to keep the friendship and for some reason I don't understand I can't tell him I don't want to be with him physically any more. But I can't say it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm still attracted to him but I just don't want to have an affair anymore. Do any of the other OW's or OM feel this way?
nextel Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 My affair with my younger, married lover (I'm 46, he's 30) is going into it's 4th year. During the past year he and his wife have had their first child and I broke up with him to pursue a real relationship. I ended my relationship after only a few months, I liked the going out and doing things part, but having a man with me full time felt suffocating. I haven't been intimate with my married lover for over a year now and I don't want to anymore. I love him but just want to keep the friendship and for some reason I don't understand I can't tell him I don't want to be with him physically any more. But I can't say it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm still attracted to him but I just don't want to have an affair anymore. Do any of the other OW's or OM feel this way? Let me put it to you pretty straight. He is doing what suits him best. You better do the same.
Author kiababy Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Hmmm....can't bring myself to say it?
nextel Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Hmmm....can't bring myself to say it? In life, the only thing to fear, is fear itself. I don't know why you wont tell him what you want. Is fear of losing him? Obviously you cannot be afraid of losing something you never had. On the other hand, if you are content with the way things are, then thats what you want. Otherwise, my suggestion is to seek whatever it is you desire, because he is doing it.
Author kiababy Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Nextel, you're absolutely right - but I've always felt protective of him. He used to call me when he was downtown, drunk and I'd get out of bed and drive him home! I realize we feed each other's egos - he has an older woman interested in him, and I have a younger man after me. That's a hard thing to let go of. I date other people all the time, I'm kind of a serial dater actually, and when things don't work out I think 'who cares, I still have D'
aRoseforJada Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Yes, I've felt this before. Even though I felt like i was done wrong by my ex , as the ow i still felt sorry for him in some ways and didn't want to hurt his feelings when it was time to end it. I finally had to cut myself off completly and do whats best for me. He may be hurt at first. Offer to always be his friend if he needs someone to talk to or lean on, but the physical has to end.
Author kiababy Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Did you ever speak to him again? How long ago was that? Are you in a relationship now?
Lyssa Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Just tell him you're not comfortable in having an A anymore. You both need to end it cause your heart is not in it. Does he know you're a serial dater?
Author kiababy Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 He does know, he's always known. The best thing about him was that I could always be myself. As long as he doesn't have to hear about it and that I'm being 'safe', he left the topic alone.
LILA BELL Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 If you have not been intimate with him in over a year,why are you so worried about not having sex with him anymore. Seem's like it already stopped,unless im reading your post wrong. IMO it is hard to love someone and just be friends.
Aoife Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Give yourself a wee bit of time to gather up your confidence...join classes (wine tasting, photography, yoga..) and then decide how to tell him it's over!!!!! Which you will!!
Author kiababy Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement, I really do need to stop making excuses and just end it!
Aoife Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Kia...excuses are rubbish...they just delay the inevitable!! I never would have believed it, but since I made the decision to end my EMA, I feel free!!!!! Good luck you!! xxxx
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