serial muse Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 ...so you agree with my assessment? Hey! Guess what. The smiley doesn't make it better. I do so enjoy having others' annoying agendas pasted onto my posts. Thanks for your empathy. Anyhoo, Story - yeah, I think I'm talking about the "Blink" moment - that very first, initial gut impression. It's interesting about the old "nice guy" issue - personally, I've found that many of the people who claim to be "nice guys" are also sending off subtle warning bells in that very first instant. But then comes the rationalization - these guys look so good on paper, they should be the ones to stick with. But those warning bells actually mean something - they can be indicators of bitterness, or of a deep-seated antagonism toward women, or that someone who claims to be a nice guy has other, less attractive motives underneath. In other words, "nice guys" are sometimes anything but, and I do think that it's not unusual to sense the presence of those darker things right away, underneath the pleasant facade. But then - often with the influence of family and friends - there's a sense of obligation to rationalize them away, and not to trust your instincts. That doesn't mean people don't fall for jerks. It just means that people should probably be more willing to trust their instincts about who, precisely, is a jerk.
malaclypse Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Hey! Guess what. The smiley doesn't make it better. I do so enjoy having others' annoying agendas pasted onto my posts. Thanks for your empathy. Why so pugnacious? I just had the impression that what you described in your long post was pretty much what I had originally written - availability and not wanting to be alone? And what agenda was I trying to push onto you? I'm not trying to annoy you further, I'd just like to know...
serial muse Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Why so pugnacious? I just had the impression that what you described in your long post was pretty much what I had originally written - availability and not wanting to be alone? And what agenda was I trying to push onto you? I'm not trying to annoy you further, I'd just like to know... I don't recall saying anything anywhere about being with him because I didn't want to be alone. I found that insulting. It was more than a year before I dated him, which I ultimately did after we became friends. I was single that entire time, and didn't feel any urgency about dating so as not to be alone. I ultimately dated him because, after spending so much time with him, I decided I had been wrong about him initially and that I was being too harsh. But actually I had been right. The agenda I read into it - perhaps wrongly - is this idea that women would rather be with someone wrong for them than be alone. I have no doubt that that's true of individual men and women, but it's a generalization that had exactly zip to do with my story, which is why I answered as I did. Sorry if I misinterpreted you; I responded to a perceived generalization, which got my back up because 1. I don't like those kinds of generalizations; but more importantly, 2. I felt that there was something more relevant and...well, interesting...to say. If I got your meaning wrong, I am sorry for it.
Author Storyrider Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 (edited) I just had the impression that what you described in your long post was pretty much what I had originally written - availability and not wanting to be alone? But the thread is asking you to analyze positive and negative first impressions about a potential SO, and how those affected the outcome of the relationship. It is not so much about insecurities and fears that might motivate the seeker. That would be another thread. I felt that there was something more relevant and...well, interesting...to say. There was. Edited March 10, 2008 by Storyrider
malaclypse Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 The agenda I read into it - perhaps wrongly - is this idea that women would rather be with someone wrong for them than be alone. I have no doubt that that's true of individual men and women, but it's a generalization that had exactly zip to do with my story, which is why I answered as I did. Ok, seems I deserve some of the venom. Yes, I do believe that many people would rather be with the wrong person than to be alone. But I should have mentioned that this is not a typically female but more of a typically human pattern... I do believe however that it is easier for women to find a 'wrong placeholder'. Why? Because people who do the wrong-person thing tend to suffer from low self-esteem and no confidence, and males with those characteristics have a really hard time finding anyone to be with, placeholder or not. I didn't mean to insult you, and didn't relate it to you personally. So yes, I'm guilty of interrupting your thread with a inappropriate generalization, too. ...and now I'll try to shut up so you can have your 'more interesting thread' back..
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