First impression theory

[shadowplay]

Just wanted to add, that my first impression of my bf was wrong in some respects. At first I thought he might be a prick, but he turned out to be a remarkably good person (far better than I am). People usually turn out better than I first imagine them to be.

Edited March 3, 2008 by shadowplay

[serial muse]

Interesting thread. Let's see.

 

ExH:

 

Good: enthusiastic/fun, seemed very kind-hearted, really into me

Bad: had cheated in the past (!!!), tried to please everyone like a chameleon and was shallow, wasn't my physical type

 

Yep. It took me years of therapy to admit to myself that I knew his weaknesses from the start.

 

more recent exBF:

 

Good: Smart/clever, very attractive and fit, attracted to me

Bad: Moody as all get-out, a little too into his eastern medicine/martial arts, and...geez, he was just REALLY moody. that counts as two.

 

Yep.

[Storyrider]

Thanks for posting, Shadowplay. It is interesting to hear about your thought processes, and I truly appreciate your input. The part about enjoying the bad-boy's charm from a distance but not really feeling it up close is especially intriguing.

[Storyrider]

Spookie and serial muse, thanks for your posts as well.

 

SM, the "not my physical type" thing that you mentioned is always fascinating to me. I still wonder how women so often end up with someone who is not their physical type, me included.

[Mustang Sally]

SM, the "not my physical type" thing that you mentioned is always fascinating to me. I still wonder how women so often end up with someone who is not their physical type, me included.

Yeah.

I mean, really - WTF is going on with this?

 

is this type of "choice" or decision more likely to occur to females? Or do men do this also? And, if so, do men also end up regretting this at some point? Just curious on other's thoughts.

 

(Oops...I guess I'm thread-jacking...)

[Storyrider]

Yeah.

I mean, really - WTF is going on with this?

 

is this type of "choice" or decision more likely to occur to females? Or do men do this also? And, if so, do men also end up regretting this at some point? Just curious on other's thoughts.

 

(Oops...I guess I'm thread-jacking...)

No, this fits in with first impressions, right? So in that sense it is not a jack.

 

No men have posted here yet...hint...hint...

[directx]

No, this fits in with first impressions, right? So in that sense it is not a jack.

 

No men have posted here yet...hint...hint...

 

Hell, I love a challenge.

 

Mine

Attractions:

-Gets my sense of humor

-nice butt

-can kick ass, mentally and physically

 

Concerns:

-needy

-dishonest

-sexually boring

[Storyrider]

Hell, I love a challenge.

 

Mine

Attractions:

-Gets my sense of humor

-nice butt

-can kick ass, mentally and physically

 

Concerns:

-needy

-dishonest

-sexually boring

So were these your first impressions? How did they pan out as the relationship progressed?

[underpants]

Having dated The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

 

I want to respond but I should give this some thought.

 

...I will make notes and respond properly.

[Phateless]

Great thread!!! Subscribed to come back later and participate.

[Storyrider]

I'm wondering what it would be like to 100% accept someone just the way they are, with a clear perception of their faults and what to expect from them, and with no secret hope of changing them whatsoever. For example, if you marry someone without legs, you're not going to secretly hope that they grow legs later on. You're going to either love them as they are, or not. Is it possible to do that with non-physical traits?

 

100% what you see is what you get.

 

My H recently told me he went forward with our marriage partly for all the potential he saw in our relationship rather than what was actually there.

[underpants]

I'm wondering what it would be like to 100% accept someone just the way they are, with a clear perception of their faults and what to expect from them, and with no secret hope of changing them whatsoever.

 

You know,

 

The rub is that when you achieve that acceptance in another. Then they turn around and dump you.

 

I guess my acceptance of them warts and all was considered a concern.

[Storyrider]

You know,

 

The rub is that when you achieve that acceptance in another. Then they turn around and dump you.

 

I guess my acceptance of them warts and all was considered a concern.

Was this recently, Unders, or with an ex?

[underpants]

Was this recently, Unders, or with an ex?

 

Oh no this is all in my jaded past.

[Kamille]

I'm wondering what it would be like to 100% accept someone just the way they are, with a clear perception of their faults and what to expect from them, and with no secret hope of changing them whatsoever. For example, if you marry someone without legs, you're not going to secretly hope that they grow legs later on. You're going to either love them as they are, or not. Is it possible to do that with non-physical traits?

 

100% what you see is what you get.

 

 

 

fack Story, are you living my life? I'm pretty much trying to figure out the same issues right now. Where is that line between acceptance and denying one's own understanding of life? Can I just accept bf's drinking even though according to my own beliefs he has an illness?

 

My H recently told me he went forward with our marriage partly for all the potential he saw in our relationship rather than what was actually there.

 

How did that statement come about? It could be seen two ways. 1) the best one, as a way to apologize for all the demands he puts on you 2) as a reproach that the R's problem are the result of you not living up to your full potential.

[Storyrider]

fack Story, are you living my life? I'm pretty much trying to figure out the same issues right now. Where is that line between acceptance and denying one's own understanding of life? Can I just accept bf's drinking even though according to my own beliefs he has an illness?

K, interesting. I feel that being able to state my feelings on a matter of disagreement and then let it go, being able to accept someone without trying to change them, would be the pinnacle of a mature, adult relationship. I can shape and mold my children (and even then only to a point). But to shape and mold my spouse or SO? It can only lead to trouble. I was raised in a household where my parents were constantly trying to do this to each other. I'm only now starting to see how damaging and futile it is. Adults are not projects.

 

What Marlena wrote on your other thread helped me to formulate that in words.

 

How did that statement come about? It could be seen two ways. 1) the best one, as a way to apologize for all the demands he puts on you 2) as a reproach that the R's problem are the result of you not living up to your full potential.

 

We were talking about intimacy in our relationship. I asked him to name a time in our R when he felt particularly intimate. And he named two times early on, one involving physical intimacy and another a conversation in which he felt I was truly listening to him. He then went on to say that although these times were two of the best, he still never viewed them as ideal. They were better, but not what he'd hoped for.

 

So I followed up with, "When have you felt satisfied with intimacy in our relationship?" and he said, "Never."

 

I said, "But you married me knowing this was the case. Why?"

 

And he said, "I guess I saw a lot of potential."

 

The ironic thing was, just a bit before that we were discussing one of our first makeout sessions, in the first couple of weeks of dating. We were in the car . I was getting really into it, and he stopped me and said, "Whoever you think you're interacting with at the moment, it isn't me. It is someone in your imagination. You don't even know me."

 

Well, that was a big show stopper.

 

And yet, if he married me based on what he hoped I could be rather than what I am, then he is relating to someone in his imagination!!

[hotgurl]

I'm wondering what it would be like to 100% accept someone just the way they are, with a clear perception of their faults and what to expect from them, and with no secret hope of changing them whatsoever. For example, if you marry someone without legs, you're not going to secretly hope that they grow legs later on. You're going to either love them as they are, or not. Is it possible to do that with non-physical traits?

 

100% what you see is what you get.

 

My H recently told me he went forward with our marriage partly for all the potential he saw in our relationship rather than what was actually there.

 

 

Story I feel personally that is the only way to have a successful relationship.

 

You have to accept you partner flaws and all. You can't change someone's inherant personality. And than you have to decide whether you can live with them or not.

 

 

 

Ok as far as the list goes.

 

1st long term BF

 

pros:

Charming

made me feel specila , fawned over me

amazing sexual chemistry

 

cons

manipulative

insulating

patholigilcal liar

controlling

poor work ethic. I can't say he was lazy because he went to extreme lengths to control me and avoid working.

 

 

I left him I took a while because I was young and he was a very good manipulator. I couldn't hanlde him until I became older and more selfassured which of course threatened him

[malaclypse]

SM, the "not my physical type" thing that you mentioned is always fascinating to me. I still wonder how women so often end up with someone who is not their physical type, me included.

 

Fear of being alone combined with availability of men who are interested in them.

[Taramere]

Attractions

 

Made me laugh

Seemed sensitive

Was sexually confident

 

 

Turn offs

 

Miserly.

Parasitical

Actively courted unpopularity as an attention seeking device/cover for fear of not being liked by others

[serial muse]

Fear of being alone combined with availability of men who are interested in them.

 

Bah. I'll answer for myself, thanks.

 

To answer your question, Story - my exH wasn't my physical type, but he was certainly a charming guy. We became friends, and although I knew he was interested, I wasn't, for a while. We were classmates in a pretty small department, so I saw him all the time in our classes. Hard not to become better friends under those circumstances.

 

So over time, I became attracted to his personality (yes, sometimes it happens) - or at least, what I thought was his personality. I think I was probably projecting certain things onto him that I was looking for. (Not bad boy things - I thought he seemed really kind and yet also fun. A great combination.) And I began to find him attractive then. There was actually a time when I thought he was really sexy.

 

But you know, before all of that, when I first met him it nagged at me that he seemed really chameleonlike - kind of slippery. It was hard to get a read on who he was and what he really believed in. And yet he also seemed kind and generous. So I suppose I decided that that was what he believed in, which I valued and respected. So as we became better friends I figured that nagging sense of slipperiness was just me being paranoid.

 

But then, when I finally knew him better still, that slipperiness (he was quite easy about "molding" the truth) ultimately became a real issue in our relationship. It was like I couldn't count on him being who I thought he was, because that changed minute to minute. Basically, it seemed to change based on who he was around. And it's hard to feel trust in someone who doesn't seem to know who they are. And I'll admit, when that feeling about him came back, my attraction for him began to plummet.

 

But I still thought the kindness was the most important thing, and I still respected that about him. Until suddenly he did something really not kind, which was something I hadn't thought he had it in him to do. And then I realized that he wasn't so much "kind" as "pleasant." Which isn't the same thing at all. He wanted to please people, but out of self-interest, not generosity of spirit. He really, really needed people to like him. And he'd alter himself to make that happen. And that's when I decided I couldn't take him back.

 

But it is interesting to think that way back when, before I confused myself and rationalized things that bugged me and so forth, my very first initial impression was right on the money. Yeah. Go me.

 

For the longest time I was worried that my radar was off, because I had put my trust in someone so untrustworthy, and I must not be able to tell. But later I realized that I had suspected, I just overruled myself. It just goes to show that you can talk yourself into anything. And that first impressions count.

Edited March 8, 2008 by serial muse

[Storyrider]

But you know, before all of that, when I first met him it nagged at me that he seemed really chameleonlike - kind of slippery. It was hard to get a read on who he was and what he really believed in. And yet he also seemed kind and generous.

 

This is really interesting. Because I get the feeling you're talking about a very early impression, maybe the absolute first--the one we have before our logical mind even gets ahold of it. I think that first impression can be very powerful because it occurs at an intuitive level and hasn't been diluted by reason, self-doubt or bargaining with ourselves because we are interested in the person.

 

So I suppose I decided that that was what he believed in, which I valued and respected. So as we became better friends I figured that nagging sense of slipperiness was just me being paranoid.

 

See, here is where your left brain kicked in.

 

But then, when I finally knew him better still, that slipperiness (he was quite easy about "molding" the truth) ultimately became a real issue in our relationship. It was like I couldn't count on him being who I thought he was, because that changed minute to minute. Basically, it seemed to change based on who he was around. And it's hard to feel trust in someone who doesn't seem to know who they are. And I'll admit, when that feeling about him came back, my attraction for him began to plummet.

 

Now your original intuition is being confirmed by evidence to form a whole picture.

 

But I still thought the kindness was the most important thing, and I still respected that about him. Until suddenly he did something really not kind, which was something I hadn't thought he had it in him to do. And then I realized that he wasn't so much "kind" as "pleasant." Which isn't the same thing at all. He wanted to please people, but out of self-interest, not generosity of spirit. He really, really needed people to like him. And he'd alter himself to make that happen. And that's when I decided I couldn't take him back.

 

People's faults and quirks can be tolerable at a distance, but you make yourself vulnerable to those faults by getting close to them, and that is the ultimate test about whether you can live with those faults.

 

But it is interesting to think that way back when, before I confused myself and rationalized things that bugged me and so forth, my very first initial impression was right on the money. Yeah. Go me.

 

Good word choice.

 

For the longest time I was worried that my radar was off, because I had put my trust in someone so untrustworthy, and I must not be able to tell. But later I realized that I had suspected, I just overruled myself. It just goes to show that you can talk yourself into anything. And that first impressions count.

 

Great post, Serial Muse!!!!

[Mustang Sally]

Fear of being alone combined with availability of men who are interested in them.

I'd have to be honest and say that these things factored in for me in choosing my husband (and likely in him choosing me, as well).

1) I didn't want to be alone, at the time we married, or I wouldn't have gotten married. I would have stayed single. I felt ready to "settle down."

 

2) Of course, he was available to me. Again. Wouldn't have been able to marry him if he hadn't have been available.

 

In short, I thought he was the guy I wanted to marry. Most of us are just trying to make the best decision at the time, with what we have available to us.

 

FWIW, I think, deep down, even though I struggle with where he and I are now at times, he is still one of the best matches for me. I don't really believe in the "there's only one out there for each of us," so that is why I state it as "one of the best matches for me." I think the issues I've been going through are really more MY problems than anything that has much to do with him, anymore. Thank goodness I'm finally beginning to realize that.

 

I'd have to say, that of the first impressions that I had of my husband, they were all pretty much spot on. Certainly, with time that has passed, and the more I've gotten to know him, I've learned a lot of other things about him. But he was a good man then, and he's still a good man now.

[malaclypse]

...

 

 

...so you agree with my assessment?

[Storyrider]

Most of us are just trying to make the best decision at the time, with what we have available to us.

 

(+ qualities) x (-qualities) x (timing) = relationship satisfaction.

 

We tend to view the first two factors as variable, when actually only the third factor is guaranteed to change. As time changes but SO's qualities remain basically the same, is the R still satisfying?

[Storyrider]

I'm working on the idea that when women pick a man as a life partner, they are giving too much weight to criteria that are not crucial and not enough weight to the crucial ones, so that those come back to bite them later. In fact, I'm wonder if the very qualities that make a man a "good companion" automatically make him less exciting as a lover.

 

This isn't the old, nice guy, bad guy scenario, but it may be the reason for that misunderstood distinction.

 

What I'm talking about is wanting a man to be comforting, nurturing, a great conversationalist and listener, may in fact improve him as a companion, but sell him out as a lover because these are things we can get elsewhere, from mothers, sisters, girlfriends, children, psychologists.

 

There are things that only my man can give me, and those are the things that should come first. I can hire a maid to do the laundry. I can't hire a maid to make my heart pound.