konfuzd Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I love my best friend dearly. She's a sweet girl, but she seems to put herself into very self destructive situations, and it's hard for me to maintain respect for her. She has battled a lot of self-esteem issues due to her family - she was raised in foster homes because of alcoholic parents. She also battled some weight issues in her past. Recently, she's lost weight, but more importantly gained a lot of confidence. Unfortunately, this new found confidence has put her into some comprimising positions with men, where she seems to set herself up for disaster. She has hooked up with several men after just meeting them. To each their own, I'm not one to judge, the problem is, she gets these fantasies in her head that they are going to turn into something meaningful, and she gets devestated time and time again when they cut of contact. Once she realizes they are gone, she acknowledges her mistake, but continues to do the same things. Her latest conquest is my bf's best friend. She's already hooked up with him -despite the fact he had a gf. He is now single, so she wants to pursue something more and is convinced it is going to happen. I'm so frustrated. This guy is a cheater, he had absolutely no remorse for what he did to his gf, and I see no reason why he wouldn't treat my friend the same, just like the other guys before him. I don't want to see my friend get hurt again, I don't want to have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart over and over again. I wish nothing but happiness for her, but it's really in her own hands. I am at a loss of what to do. She is starting to get upset with me when I caution her about the things she does like I'm trying to mother her. I don't want to run her life, but I just want her to see herself the way I see her as an amazing girl who deserves to be treated with the utmost respect. Any advice?
Lights Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 (edited) I just thought I'd say that I don't really know how to help you, but that I hope things turn out well. I once knew a guy who was frustrated with people around him doing things like that (harmful relationship patterns), and it got to him too and got him really angry (particularly involving something with his girlfriend which I admittedly didn't understand too much of). I told him that there wasn't any law that said that he had to do such broken things himself just because he was surrounded by self-saboteurs and people with wretched habits. In that case it worked--I have no information on what sort of tactic would work in your case, though. I do wish you luck. Edited March 1, 2008 by Lights
vintagecat Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Your friend's unfortunate childhood is not an encumbrance easily shed just by the virtue of becoming an adult and walking away from it. Her background is devastating and has essentially robbed her of some basic foundations for a fulfilling life. Your friend has probably learned no basic skills for cultivating healthy relationships with men. For example, the confidence that you mentioned from the weight loss is likely just a veneer that allows her access to men that she never had before and gives her a new venue to try to find what is missing in her life, i.e. the love and commitment that she never had from her parents. Hooking up with men that will not meet her needs and by not practicing selectivity and reciprocity she is repeating familiar patterns of abandonment that she experienced as a child. Without competent counseling to help her sort through the issues, she will unfortunately have to learn from the school of hard knocks that the things she is is doing at present are counterproductive to getting her needs met. The only thing that you can do is be a good friend and help her see her choices in light of her goals and giving her the broader perspective. Also further unfortunately, many friends burn out on the drama of being close to a person that behaves in self destructive ways repeatedly. If you value your friendship you might have to distance yourself slightly from the emotional consequences of her choices. In other words be her friend, be her steady rock but don't go down the road with her emotionally as far as getting upset about her choices and their outcomes. It's a hard path to take and one that often ends or alters a friendship. Good luck with this. I feel for you both. Cat
Author konfuzd Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Thanks for the support. That's really sweet. I just wish I knew something specific I could do or say to get her out of this rut.
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