Still the lamest story ever.

[eeyore1980]

I posted my story in here a while back. To recap, my husband told me he wanted a divorce, and he found another place to live that would be available in a few weeks. During those few weeks, this was 5 months ago now, I found out he had been having an affair for at least the previous 10 months. He has sworn non-stop they were just friends. We decided to work things out. He kept lying to me about the relationship, and I caught him out in several of these lies. We were/are going to MC.

 

We live in a small town, pop. 1500. We own our own business. Our office is approximately 1 mile from our house. At the time this started, his OW lived about halfway between our house and our office. She works about halfway between her house and our house. So it's not like she is hundreds of miles away. I was also out of state 4 times during the affair, once for 4 days, once for a week and a half, once for 2 and a half weeks, and once for 16 days.

 

Over the past 5 months, things have continued to deteriorate due to the constant lying on his part. I have continued to look into things, and the more I have found, the more unlikely his story became. Things were really tense between us a lot. But I was really trying to figure out some way to work this out with myself, even though I knew he was lying to me.

 

Over the last week or so a couple of incidents have come up that have shown me, and should have shown him, what a huge negative impact all of this is having on our kids. They are older, 18 and 16, but these were both big incidents. I was already fed up, and had already made an appointment this past Tues. with my attorney to file for divorce. H was aware of appt., and I even told him before I left he had 10 minutes left, he just stared at the floor and said nothing. He then called me about 20 minutes after I left, and asked me, "Where are you?" I'm not sure if he thought I wasn't really going, or if he was just wondering if I had gotten there yet. I told him I was in the waiting room, and at that moment, the attorney called me back to his office, H heard him.

 

Because we have a lot of asset entanglements, my lawyer said I had to give him $5000 up front for him to file the divorce. I know he isn't ripping me off, as in the past he has actually done some things, even appearing in court over an unrelated thing, for free. This is what it is going to cost even if we don't fight over anything. If we start fighting, lawyer said it will be way higher. I don't have $5000 at this time to put up.

 

I came back from my appointment, and explained to my husband how I wanted to handle talking to our 16 year old. H then gave me a letter he wrote. In this letter he admits they were more than just friends. He claims he thought about her, thought about being with her, and thought about taking her out. At first my feelings were hurt, even though I knew it all along, but also relief he was finally being honest, and we could finally start really putting this marriage back together. Then reality set in. All the stuff I have found out, and even from the things he has said about all this in the past 5 months, I knew he had feelings for her, and I knew just as well the feelings were reciprocated. However, I am supposed to believe those feelings were never acted on, even talked about, between them. Then I have him acting like because after 5 months of lies I am now supposed to bow down and kiss his butt for finally tossing a few crumbs of truth my way. I don't believe for one minute that's all there was to it. I am not willing to suck it up. I am very upset about the impact this has had on my children, and will continue to have as long as he keeps lying about what happened.

 

Does anyone out there think this story even makes sense? I personally don't see it. I can't afford the attorney right now, and I don't want to lose my son. Should I just go away for awhile? If I do, that's spending money I could be saving for the retainer. I am really sick about this whole thing. I do still love my husband, and I don't want to get a divorce, but I can't put up with this crap anymore, so I feel like divorce it is. I don't think I can stand staying in the same house with him and his little fairy tale he's come up with, and I also don't want to put any more stress on my son. If I didn't still care, I wouldn't be so hurt and angry, and this wouldn't be so hard. It's like whatever patience I had over this situation has dried up and blown away. I really don't know what to do anymore. Advice appreciated, thanks.

[BetrayedMM]

Your instincts are correct. He is trying to minimize what he has done. I'm sorry. Only you know where you must draw the line.

[JustBreathe]

Eeyore. Do I think he's lying? Yes. It reeks.

 

Maybe he will crack, maybe not. My H looked me straight in the eyes and said "I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HER!!!" He finally admitted to physical for 3 months. I never got the whole truth to this day, and by the way he was acting, I estimate it was 2 years. Trust your instincts, if you think he's lying, then he is.

 

No money for a divorce, well there's no rush for divorce, Eeyore. No deadline. You can always get a divorce.

 

Their first impulse is to lie when they're caught. They all do it. They will lie and lie and deny and deny. All of them say it wasn't physical. Every time.

[stampdaddy]

you wouldnt believe the LIES that I have watched the "love of my life" tell her husband, right in front of me.. It is sickening. This poor guy is YOU

[Crestfallen_KH]

I hate to agree with the others, but I was in a very similar situation.

 

The lies came out, little by little. If he was completely backed against a wall, he would admit just enough and then try to minimize it. I'm sure there's a lot I still don't know, I just lost my patience much sooner than you did.

 

You can bet there is more going on. He was scared by your threat and revealed just enough, in his mind, to keep you believing him.

 

But what I've learned from any cheater is that you have to believe his/her actions, not the words. The words mean nothing. He is still in his fog and unsure what he wants. Also, he doesn't want you to see him as a bad guy. I know my ex-husband didn't because then he'd have to admit to himself that he was.

 

If you choose to continue, you have a very long, very painful road ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck.

[eeyore1980]

It's almost 1am and I'm still up. My 16 year old son has been missing for most of the day, and I was so worried about him. My nerves are shot. H and I both drove around looking for him, I was very afraid he had done something to hurt himself because of all the stress around here. I finally managed to at least figure out where he was, he was supposed to be coming home with the dad of the kid where the 'non-alcohol' party (yeah, right) was taking place following him. Hours go by, son never shows up, H falls asleep in his chair a little after 10 or so, then goes to bed. My daughter finally got in touch with one of the boys I knew my son was with, and son talked to her and told her he wasn't coming home tonight at all. I went out looking for him again and actually found him and brought him home, drunk, from the 'non-alcohol' party. My family has always been the most important thing to me, I have always put them all first, and sacrificed a lot of things I wanted out of life to do it, and I'm seeing it all fall apart. This just isn't worth it at all.

However, on the bright side, while waiting for my son to come home and fighting with H over all this crap and how much damage it has caused not just to me, but to his own children, like he gives a damn, H has informed me it isn't cheating unless sex is involved. So on the off chance I decide to stay, that means I can do whatever I want with any man I want other than have sex with him, and I won't be cheating. Yay! Sure wish I had been let in on this loophole years and years ago.

Seriously, though, I really, really don't know what to do. My son is a good kid, he doesn't deserve this, and I don't know how to fix it. I am supposed to have MC tomorrow, maybe I should take son instead of H and see if we can figure something out. It's not like there is a marriage counselor in the world that can MAKE someone care about the things they are supposed to when they don't want to, why waste the appointment on a lost cause? I think I'll do it, I know the therapist has experience with minors, and maybe it will help him to talk to someone uninvolved and confidential about what is going on with him.

[smartgirl]

I agree with others that your H is telling you as little as he thinks he can get away with. You also don't sound all that inclined to work on the marriage. I'm guessing you know that this kind of behavior on his part in not really conducive to a healthy marriage.

 

Can you at least file for a separation to get the divorce ball rolling? I don't know about your state, but I know in some places you can work with a legal aid society to file the paperwork yourself. Unfortunately, owning a business together is going to make this very complicated.

 

Maybe the way to start is by trying to separate your source of income from your marriage. Start laying the foundation for an ultimate divorce filing. Can you do something about getting a different job or otherwise protecting your financial resources?

 

You should take the kids to counselling with you. I don't know how much they should know about what is going on with you and your H other than you are having problems. Kids can't and shouldn't be exposed to details.

[Mrmojorisin]

eeysore,

To begin with, he is sleeping with here. Regardless of what he says, he is sleeping with her. I went through this **** with my wife. At first, they always deny the sex part. It is part of the script.

Second, you need to get a second opinion on the divorce. I have a hard time believing that he would need that big of a retainer.

[JustBreathe]

MC was a total waste for us. I know it works for alot of people, but I don't see how it could if he is lying like my H was. If he can't be truthful, don't bother. It was a fiasco for us. I cried, he lied. That's all that happened and we could have done that for free. Even IC didn't work for me at first, BUT after a year or so, it did help. Maybe you can try it once the smoke clears enough for you to even think straight.

 

We fought alot and my 24 year old son began smoking alot of pot, skipping school, etc. I signed him up with a therapist but he would show up for appts. stoned so it did no good. To our shock, he joined the Marines at 18, I guess because of the yelling, etc. at home. He DID get himself together then, just being away from the stress I guess. He's 24 now, got his own apt. and going to college. Your son WILL go through changes, but how do you know he wouldn't be going through them anyway as that's what teens do? Of course, stress at home is affecting him, but most likely he would have gone through major changes regardless.

 

I get so upset when I think about how much our family was affected because of my husband's arrogance, stupidity and lack of appreciation for all he had. I once said: I hope you had some mind blowing sex, came like a big dog and your eyes rolled back in your head for what it's going to cost us. I meant that. I hope he did.

[eeyore1980]

MC was a total waste for us. I know it works for alot of people, but I don't see how it could if he is lying like my H was. If he can't be truthful, don't bother. It was a fiasco for us. I cried, he lied. That's all that happened and we could have done that for free. Even IC didn't work for me at first, BUT after a year or so, it did help. Maybe you can try it once the smoke clears enough for you to even think straight.

 

We fought alot and my 24 year old son began smoking alot of pot, skipping school, etc. I signed him up with a therapist but he would show up for appts. stoned so it did no good. To our shock, he joined the Marines at 18, I guess because of the yelling, etc. at home. He DID get himself together then, just being away from the stress I guess. He's 24 now, got his own apt. and going to college. Your son WILL go through changes, but how do you know he wouldn't be going through them anyway as that's what teens do? Of course, stress at home is affecting him, but most likely he would have gone through major changes regardless.

 

I get so upset when I think about how much our family was affected because of my husband's arrogance, stupidity and lack of appreciation for all he had. I once said: I hope you had some mind blowing sex, came like a big dog and your eyes rolled back in your head for what it's going to cost us. I meant that. I hope he did.

 

I went back and read your very first post. Most of it could be written by me.

How do I know my son wouldn't be going through this anyway? I don't, except for when I found out he was smoking pot, I just assumed it was typical teenage stuff. Turned out it was to relieve stress from all the crap at home. I got that info from a very reliable source. And yeah, that really makes me angry. It's hard enough to try to keep your kids on the straight and narrow without your husband, their father, going out screwing around and then lying out his ass about it and making everyone's life miserable. I don't care what I have done, I could never even think about sacrificing my children's well-being just to cover my ass. NEVER! But H, he has sat here and watched it happen, and it doesn't even phaze him. Tell the truth and get it over with? Whatever.

[JustBreathe]

I wish I could offer you some kind of advice. I've been married 25 yrs. After so many years, these idiots we marry suddenly decide they don't love you anymore and pick up some loser broad with no self-respect or conscience who would screw a man married for years and with a family. So you wind up with screwed up hurt teenage children who are already going through changes as it is and you get to decide whether to take down what it took you years and years to build.

 

THEN comes the fun part. When they return from Fantasy Island and see how badly they messed up, they get depressed and withdraw. As usual, they can't handle things, as usual, are wrapped up in their own selves, leaving you to carry the load where the kids are concerned because somebody has to and, let's face it, if they were responsible people in the first place, none of this would have happened.

 

It's so unfair. My three boys are my life also. I know how you feel. Stuck between a rock and a hard place and sick in your heart. If you do one thing, you are afraid of how the children will be affected, if you do the other, you get to live with your heart stinging every time you lay eyes on him.

 

But there are ALOT of women out there going through the same exact thing, Eeyore, and whether we divorce or not, we get through it. In time, the disappointment and anger quit taking over your entire life and you learn to put it aside so you can get on. But it remains in the corners of your heart and surfaces from time to time. Never quite heals completely.

 

I believe tt takes a year to stop reeling from it enough that you can even begin to think clearly and figure out what you need to do, so give yourself a full year. Treat yourself like you'd treat anybody who has had a traumatic life altering experience, with patience and kindness and forgiveness for your bad temper and mood swings.

 

Have you seen a doctor for stress and maybe something to help you sleep? Your kids need you and you have to hold it together. Like I said, YOU have to be the strong one for their sakes.

[eeyore1980]

Have you seen a doctor for stress and maybe something to help you sleep? Your kids need you and you have to hold it together. Like I said, YOU have to be the strong one for their sakes.

 

Yeah, I have meds for stress, and I am holding it together, mostly.

 

It just pisses me off, and a lot of the day to day things, like this episode with my son. Okay, H has spent the last 5 months lying, claiming the infamous 'just friends' until a couple weeks ago. Now it is he 'had feelings for her, but they never acted on it or EVEN DISCUSSED IT' crap. That's right, crap, he is still lying and lying and lying. Meanwhile, he is telling our son how wrong it is to lie, how he can't just do whatever he wants, how he needs to take his punishment because he did wrong and deserves it, and all I want to do is puke every time he opens his mouth. What a frigging hypocrite!!!!

I think part of raising kids is setting a good example for them, and I have done that. I admit my mistakes, and try to make it right. I don't pull this 'do as I say, not as I do' crap. I actually raised them mostly on my own for the biggest part of our marriage, as H was gone truck driving most of time. He's been off the road for about 6 years, and it is like he is bound and determined to undo all the good I have done with them.

You want to know what we were fighting about for a long time that supposedly led to this affair? Our daughter. She was having a lot of trouble, and I kept telling H she needed to take her bumps if she was going to learn anything, he would look me straight in the face and agree with me, then proceed to bail her out everytime she fell. This tactic has been used on me on all kinds of things, and I finally told him I saw no reason to discuss anything anymore, because it wasn't honest. If he had a differing viewpoint, he should put it out on the table, but no, he wouldn't do that, I might argue with him. (Rolling my eyes) Yeah, I might, but he wouldn't know, he never gave me a chance.

[JustBreathe]

I hear you about the hypocrite stuff. My H was yelling and carrying on at the kids over lying about doing their homework one day, many moons ago. Later on, I said, how the heck can you preach about lying when you lied to me for so long! He said, even though he knew he had lied in the past (I use past because you see he's all cured now - hah), he still has an obligation to teach them to be better people than he is. So I kind of see now what he was doing. He does it less now. But that doesn't mean it doesn't make my stomach turn every time he does.

 

Maybe it's just that we don't think they're so wonderful anymore and are painfully aware of their shortcomings. What they do is greatly magnified and particularly irritating. We already feel unjustly treated and ran down like dogs. So anything we can perceive as unjust on their part makes you want to fly into a rage.

 

I hope your husband quits gaslighting soon. That I think is even more damaging than the affair itself. The covering up. The continued deceit.

 

How about giving yourself a day off soon? Maybe go do something pleasurable you want to do but never have time to do. Maybe go visit a favorite relative who will lend a sympathetic ear for the day. Just to get away by yourself for awhile.

 

What about a journal? In my darkest period right after d-day, I bought a notebook and wrote down my thoughts every day before I went to bed. I let it all out. The entries were all gloomy and the pages soggy when I was done, but it helped me somehow to put it all down on paper. I ended every entry with something I did that was good that day. It's like being a good friend to your own self. Maybe it would help?

[eeyore1980]

I hope your husband quits gaslighting soon. That I think is even more damaging than the affair itself. The covering up. The continued deceit.

 

 

We discussed this in MC Wednesday. I know he gets it, he just doesn't want to admit it. He might actually have to take some responsibility, and he's not going to do that.

For me, it wasn't even the affair, it was the never ending lying about it that has proven to be the last straw. It is the constant betrayal of me, like how he misrepresents the facts of what is going on to people to make me look like an obsessive shrew, when the reality is he cheated, and he is still lying to cover it up, at a massive cost not only to me, but to his own children, as well. I'm just sick of the whole damn thing.

[MimiMe]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have gone through a similar situation and it's hell.

 

I fee like I have not even gone through the beginning phase... and it's been years of the A and almost 8 months that me and H have very limited communication ( we also have businesses together) but he's incarcerated and i hve blocked his calls, dont answer his letters and dont visit. He has a GF/OWs let her do all of that! So on that part it has been easy for me to detach, but I am not sure how I will feel once he is out, since we have kids, assets and have not even started the legal process of separating.

 

I wish you luck and be strong! there is a reason for everything. We may be to lost in the dark to see the reason but one day we will understand it.

G*d doesnt forsake! and he doesnt put you through something that he knows you cant handle. Take care of you!! and give thanks everyday that now he will be somebody else's problem.

[eeyore1980]

It makes me sick sometimes to read the stories in here. How so many people just trash their marriages, without giving a damn of what they are doing to the people they swore to love. It's like little children. Where's the maturity? And if they have children, where is their sense of responsibility for them?

My oldest daughter from a previous relationship was murdered when she was 18 years old. I got little to no support from my husband throughout all this. I don't believe God only gives you what you can take, no offense intended. I clawed my way back to sanity, ALONE. Then my next daughter, our daughter, started having trouble and was diagnosed as bipolar. I dealt with most of this, and I certainly bore the brunt of it. She would do things like threaten to commit suicide to get out of her turn to clean the kitchen. I lived in terror for years I would be burying another child. At first we both enabled her, but I realized it was making things worse, and hurting our other kids, too. Our home was like a war zone. I, as a mature adult, had several conversations with H, under the mistaken impression he too was a mature adult. I would present my theory it was a mistake to enable our daughter, and he would agree with everything I said. Then he would turn around and bail her out over and over. I would confront him, he would say he was wrong and say he would quit, but he wouldn't. This isn't the only topic he was doing me this way on, it was just the most important thing going on in my life. I finally told H there was no reason to discuss anything with him anymore. Things continued to deteriorate up to the point when we were supposed to go out of town for Thanksgiving. I told him I was not taking this daughter, and I felt she was not safe to leave by herself, so since he was the one who kept letting her emotionally blackmail us all and treat us all like dog crap with no consequences, he could stay with her. This is about where his affair started. He has neglected, disprespected, demeaned, etc., me for years and years, and now he feels neglected? He feels like I don't care about him? I never turned to someone else, and for every 'reason' he has for doing it, I have 20 for myself. And now, he thinks he just gets to lie his way out of this, too.

I have told him to leave. He won't go. I'm not leaving, and it isn't about the house, it is about our son still at home. We have already run off our other daughter from all the stress and my son is starting to act out because of all the stress. How much havoc does he get to wreak on this family?

[JustBreathe]

Eeyore. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I keep coming back to this thread because I so understand what it is to have an unsupportive close-mouthed man who seem to want much to do with you, can't handle the kids and leaving you to do it, then has an affair saying HE felt neglected and lonely. He's the big victim.

 

Your daughter was murdered, and your kids who have their problems, and now your faithless husband has bailed on you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It seems that women have to be the stronger ones and then nobody is there for us when WE need it.

 

I can't remember whether you said you were getting therapy, but after what you've been through you need to get it if you haven't already. You might find that alot of that anger is residual from your daughter being murdered and not necessarily your resentment over what your H did. You just didn't NEED to find out he was sleeping around at this point in your life. The glass was not half full, it was full to the brim and now this has happened and you're overflowing.

 

If you're going to stay for the kids, then you have to get rid of the anger and the pain. If you can't then staying defeats the whole purpose as it will do them no good. Of course it won't be instant but you need to WORK HARD on it. If you aren't breaking up, then find some middle ground where you're not screaming and yelling. What's the point if the stress is worse than ever for them and for yourself? You've been through too much to handle it alone.

 

If you can't come to a middle ground, then it might mean you need to tell H you need space and to move out again for a time. If he is meant to be with you, he will return ready to tell the truth, and you will let him. If it falls apart for good, than you have lost nothing but a cheating man. I know after all the years, it seems hard to imagine a life without him. That's how I felt for a long time. But you CAN have a life without him. Even when he's living in the same house, you can move on with your own life. Get back to who you were before you got married and take some solace in that.

 

Have you tried any of Melanie Beatty's books on co-dependence? You don't have to be co-dependent to get benefit from them as it teaches you to break away from hurtful people. Also, consider 12 step meetings, I went to Children of Alcoholic Parents 12 step meetings. They are virtually free. It helped me a great deal to know that there were others dealing with outside forces that were eating up their lives, being able to listen and share my story a little. Melanie Beatty wrote a 12 step book for co-dependants. I think that one was the one that helped me the most.

[eeyore1980]

No, I'm afraid this marriage is over. I've spent the last almost 6 months trying to come to terms with this. I have spied on him, been sick to my stomach every time he is out of my sight wondering what he is doing, and who he is going to line up next. Had he shown true remorse, I could have worked this out, but his main priority seems to be what he can and can't get away with. I don't need this in my life anymore. He is one of the most selfish people I have ever known, and I have excused his behavior for 24 years. Enough. I deserve better, and so do you, and so do most of the BS people in here with jackoff spouses who demean and belittle and try to overwhelm and control the people they claim to love. What ever happened to working things out BEFORE you start messing around? What is so hard about being faithful? If you meet someone you know at first sight you just can't live without, and I have yet to see one story to back up this is the way it works, why not tell your SO and end the relationship, then go knock yourself out.

 

I am very angry and bitter today. I feel used, and mistreated. I feel the rules were changed right in the middle of the game, but no one bothered to tell me. I did all the right things, I went to therapy several times over the years to get my head on straight, and anyone who has ever done this knows how uncomfortable and painful it can be to face things and fix them, but I did it. I did it for me, but also for the people around me, to make us all have better lives, and I feel like I have emotionally had the crap beat out of me. Too bad for H the therapy took. My self esteem is fine, I don't feel like I deserve this, I don't feel like I have to settle for this. I can say with the utmost honesty I did everything I could throughout our marriage to make it the best it could be, and he did little to nothing but think about himself. Compromise isn't even in his vocabulary. Screw him.