Marriage/Business Partner/Roommates - where's the line?

[Deanster]

Hi all -

 

A very common lament here (including mine) is feeling married vs. feeling like you have a roommate. I'd add that my wife is an outstanding business partner and parent for those parts of our lives together. Just not so much with the sex and intimacy.

 

Is the line between 'roommate' and 'spouse' whether you're having sex? Have warm and intimate feelings? 'Love'? Changing what you're doing based on the other's needs and preferences? Willing to move based on their new job?

 

Whaddaya think?

[Deanster]

bumping this ancient thread, cuz it's still on my mind...

[xxoo]

Interesting question.

 

While two people can move from roommates to partners (married or otherwise) by adding love, intimacy, sex, shared finances, share futures, I don't think it works the other way around. Partners don't become simply roommates by subtracting love, intimacy, sex, etc. Too much of your lives and your futures are intermingled, unless you formally end the partnership (if married, divorce) and intentionally define a new relationship.

 

A marriage with a great partnership in home management, finances, business, and parenting--but little/no intimacy--is still a marriage. A marriage with issues, but a marriage nonetheless.

 

If it feels like a roommate situation to you, that is a valid concern to communicate to your partner--in counseling, as appropriate.

[Luv2dance]

I think it goes back to how you define marriage and what you desire out of it. For me without the love/intimacy with or w/o sex then the marriage really becomes more like a business partnership/roomate situation. If you are not happy with that type of marriage then yes it's time to seek help or change things.

 

I had a counselor tell me once that there are different types of marriage and some people are quite content with the business partner/provider relationship where others need the "soul mate" type of marriage. I guess the problem comes when one partner is happy with one type but the other partner wishes to have the other.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Is the line between 'roommate' and 'spouse' whether you're having sex? Have warm and intimate feelings? 'Love'? Changing what you're doing based on the other's needs and preferences? Willing to move based on their new job?

 

Whaddaya think?

 

The line between roommate and spouse is that you typically have a lease agreement with one, and a buyer's agreement with the other.

 

You can have sex with a roommate without owing them half your 401k when you kick them out.

 

You can NOT HAVE SEX with a spouse and still get half the 401k as you walk away.

 

If you live like roommates with a spouse, you're just fooling yourself, because it's a completely different agreement and should be treated as such.

[threebyfate]

Perhaps you and your wife need to define with a marriage counsellor, what intimacy means to you.

 

As for mixing business with pleasure, IMO, it's a no-no. Too much togetherness fosters taking the other for granted.