So I called him

[sedona]

after 10 days of NC. And no, nothing's changed. He still doesn't know if he wants to be with me, even though he likes me so much. He had stopped touching me, and still doesn't have any need to be physical with me. No desire. He missed talking to me, but his life is full so time just flew by for him. He says that he's still thinking about what he wants and why he can't commit to me. The main thing that he thinks about is how to find time to be with a girlfriend. He feels that he has absolutely no free time and doesn't see how anything can change. He's just stuck in his own pattern, locked in position. I asked him to put aside the time issue -- the main question (for me) is whether he wants to be with ME. I didn't get a straight answer, other than that he thinks it would be strange not to have me in his life. I've won his trust, and very few people have done that.

 

And yes, he'll get in touch when he knows more - when he feels he can either commit or that he doesn't want a relationship because he likes life the way it is. When will that be? Well, the closest I could get to a timeframe was "before 2011". Ha, ha.

 

It's like we're on 2 different planets. On my planet, if 2 people want to be together, then they include each other in their lives and do things together. They look forward to being with each other. And they certainly want to be physically intimate. Life changes because it expands. On his planet, being together with someone entails making sacrifices and giving up the life you had. Life becomes more restrictive, so that you're living by a strict schedule because you 'have' to spend time with your girlfriend -- she has soooo many expectations.

 

So was it a mistake to call him? Probably. It certainly didn't help any. Don't know whether it hurt. Not one single thing has changed since we started this break. He had no answers, nothing to give me. And I couldn't tell him that his life wouldn't change because of course I would expect it to change. But I think of positive change, of growth and happiness and intimacy. I just don't see the obstacles, even though I understand that for him there're very, very real. For a short time, he felt free with me. And happy and in love. And then the wall came down and he blocked out all those feelings to go back to what's safe and familiar. I just don't see how he can possibly resolve his conflict by himself while sitting alone at home. He refuses to see a therapist - he says that he could never open up to a stranger. So how he can either decide to give me up or that he wants to be with me? He's just...stuck. Stuck with all the possible consequences of making a decision, any decision.

 

As long as I "wait" then I can never heal because I hope. So I'm stuck with him, but all alone. Somewhere there must be a man who thinks I'm terrific AND wants to be with me. I thought it was this man. I want it to be this man.

 

No question here. But any comments?

[sedgwick]

I talked to my ex 1.5 months after he dumped me and he still felt the same as well. I didn't get any closure at all. He was cold and rude and not at all the person I thought I knew.

 

I agree with you that if you love someone you try to work things out. But some people just aren't willing to work. It's not a priority for them to be in a relationship. My ex is the same way, and it really hurt when he bailed on me. But I guess all you can really do is tell yourself it truly is not about you. That doesn't make you miss them any less, but at least it helps you feel a little less shi*ty about yourself.

[s_n_d]

I think you should be moving on or TRYING to move on.

Life is too short to be wasting it on your ex.

 

Whats meant to be will ALWAYS find its way.

[s_n_d]

I think you should start NC and try as hard as possible to maintain the no contact.

I think at MY ten day mark of NC, i was just trying to prove to myself that i could survive NOT talking to him. The healing only began taking shape after that point.

[sedona]

Thanks both of you. I know not to waste time on an ex. It's just that he's not my ex because we're just on a break. Same issues that we talked about today. He really doesn't understand. I think he's commitmentphobic. I wouldn't ever have called him if we had broken up.

 

Yes, NC. Maybe a bit easier now because I know -- *really* know - that calling him does absolutely no good. He just doesn't know what to do right now. But he will call me when he knows more -- he hasn't just gone back to his old routines without giving me a second thought. So if I do end up calling him first again, then it will have to be because I've had enough and want to end the relationship.

 

Well, not want to end it- I'll never want to do that. But if he takes forever in getting back to me, then at some point I'll need to move on just so I can really start to heal. Don't know how I'll know when I've reached that point. If I had any guts, I'd just call it all off now. Nope, can't do it yet...

 

Right now I just can't get over how we can feel so differently when we get along so well. Why is he not even able to touch me? To hold my hand? I've been reading other threads where some of you (paladin and dfreeman I think) have described giving up a terrific woman because they weren't ready at the time - not because there was anything wrong with the woman. That's what this guy is going to think about me. I know it. i think he even knows it. But that gives me no consolation. Zero, zippo, nada.

 

In the past, the only way I've gotten over a broken relationship was to jump into a new one. That's another pattern I want to break. But that's a topic for a different thread!

 

Ok, in exactly two weeks, it'll be my birthday. Who knows? Maybe I'll get an SMS from him. Something like "happy birthday. Hope you have a nice day." That's pretty much the Valentine's message I got from him. Impersonal. Worse than nothing at all. Not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair.

 

So I'm going to order plane tickets and spend my birthday weekend in Bruxelles with one of my oldest and best friends who I haven't seen in years and who has never met this guy and never even heard about him. So there.

[frd150]

He will call you wen he knows more???

 

Dont wait for that call. Get out and live and show him that life for you does not stand still while he trys to decide between his busy life and a relationship with you.

 

Heres the rub, as soon as you start living he'll start calling and he will suddenly not be so busy.

[sedona]

Heres the rub, as soon as you start living he'll start calling and he will suddenly not be so busy.

 

Hmmmm. There's no magic device in the vicinity that will let him know when I've jumpstarted my life again. No telepathic powers that will let him know that his hold on me is weakening.

 

Plus the only thing I'm not doing that I normally would do is date other men, or at least keep the possibility of dating open. The only extra thing I'm doing is obsessing about him. That is something I could really, really do without... one day this too shall pass...

 

A Catch 22. To make him call me then I have to not care whether he calls or not!

 

Yup, not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair.

[Grrlish]

Sedona:

 

So how he can either decide to give me up or that he wants to be with me? He's just...stuck. Stuck with all the possible consequences of making a decision, any decision.

 

He has made a decision. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. His decision is to not be with you. I'm sorry but it seems clear to me.

 

Whether or not he needs to see a therapist has nothing to do with the state of your relationship, or lack thereof.

 

Hell, we all probably need to be seeing a therapist. How two people ever get together these days is a mystery to me.

 

You can't sit around and wait for someone to realize that they're broken. Plus, maybe he is, and maybe he isn't. It's all relative and a matter of perspective.

 

I guess it feels good to have 'won his trust' but I guess I fail to see the value in that within the context of the circumstances that you describe. This endears you to him but it hasn't done the same in reverse, it seems.

 

He has TOLD you...he can't commit to you, doesn't have time for you, and doesn't see those things changing.

 

I'm sorry but how much more clear can a person be?

 

The other stuff is fluff...meant to either keep you hanging on, or trying not to hurt you more than necessary.

 

Move on, my dear. You two are not on the same page.

 

Hmmmm. There's no magic device in the vicinity that will let him know when I've jumpstarted my life again. No telepathic powers that will let him know that his hold on me is weakening.

 

 

It just happens...no explanation available.

[xpaperxcutx]

Yep lifes not fair, but then you can't beat yourself over it.

 

How many times have you heard that you shouldn't wait around for him anymore? One too many. So don't listen to any more advice, learn to follow it. It's all for the better. Maybe all the problems stems from him, because in the end you can't beat yourself up figuring your faults. And you know you're not entitled to do so.

 

Everything leads back to him. His refusal to give a direct answer to the one person he felt the most connection with says more than you could ever ask for. Yes, he is stuck, but you have a choice to not choose his path with him. Maybe in the future he might choose to come back to you, but know that he might choose to be STUCK again. Would you want someone like that? I think the answer's no.

[btc8]

THAT IS SO NOT FAIR TO YOU TO HAVE TO WAIT FOR HIM TO DECIDE IF YOU ARE WORTHY ENOUGH TO BE IN HIS LIFE. He should already know that you deserve to be in his life! His selfishness is sickening.

[sedona]

But this time because I was thinking all the things that you guys have just posted. Of course he should know whether he wants to be with me. He should be doing everything he can to make me feel better. He should be here right now, with me.

 

Yes, he's been so selfish. He only thinks about how I could fit into his life, not about how he could fit into my life. Last night he even said something about how in all the time we've been together, we've never even gone away for a weekend or a vacation. Well, let me tell you -- that's not MY fault. He's the one who never had time to plan things. He feels that it's just impossible to find time to be with me. Well, newsflash. I'm the one with 2 small children, not him. Yet I still find time to go regularly to the gym, take dance lessons, volunteer at the kids' school, teach an evening course once a week, take car of my house/car/etc, all on top of a full-time job. And I can find the time to be with him, simply because I want to be with him.

 

If he wants to be with me, then he'll have to go the "grand gesture" route. He'll have to do everything he can to win my trust. And I know that he will never ever ever do that. I feel like I'm imposing myself on him. But you know what, he invited me into his life. And he did everything and said everything perfectly. He was perfect. For a short, short time. And I've been living on that wonderful feeling for a long time now. I've been living off of dry fumes for way too long now.

 

Yup, he's chosen but he's too cowardly to actually do the dirty deed. Typical. So I have to. So cruel.

 

So what I thought while lying sleepless in bed is that I have to break NC again to tell him that he can relax because it's over. And then NC again. And no, he's not going to look me up sometime in the future because I don't think he'd ever dare. For him, I'll the "woman who wanted too much from him" or "the perfect woman who met him when he just wasn't ready". But I truly believe that he'll never be ready - not just for me, but for anybody. OK, not my problem anymore.

 

I think that if I don't call him to break up, then I'll still be left hanging with that hope that he'll call and say he wants to be with me. Even though I know in my head that he'll never get out of his cycle, like a gerbil on one of those exercise wheels. First I thought that I could wait a couple of weeks - give him once last chance -- but I've been giving him "last chances" now for a long time. He's not going to grab them.

 

I really want to get on with my life. I want to find out why I fell in this trap so I don't do it again (I'm seeing a therapist now), and then I want to date people and not obsess and find someone who thinks I'm fantastic and who wants me in his life and wants to be in my life.

 

Boy, I'm going to feel crappy for the next few weeks (months?).

 

Please write something. Your comments really do help.

[prisonbreak]

I don't think you need to break NC to telling him you want NC. Just move on with your life, when or if he calls, just ignore it or respond by telling him, you'd appreciate if he would stop trying to communicate. Your silence speaks louder than any words could ever say!!!!!! This I know for a fact, I kept doing the same thing, and when I finally decided I didn't want to be on that stupid leash of his, I stopped all contact. For the 1st week I wanted to tell him desparately that I was done and moving on, and I wanted him to know that. I asked myself, How will he know I'm really done if he's not even calling ME? But then I thought, I can't just call him and tell him I'm done...that sounds so weird, telling someone who is obviously done, that you're calling to tell him not to call and that you're done. If a person is truly moving on, I don't think it's about them anymore, so why explain anything to them. I'm happy to say, it ended up working out in my case...he eventually called and I told him it was great to hear from him and i'm glad you're doing well, but I'd appreciate if you'd leave me be and resume NC, unless you want to make this work, but if not...leave me alone.

 

Just move on, it's hard, but it's no longer about him anymore.