Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 There are some of us who don't necessarily know how to pick the best dudes and get out when the writing's on the wall (I'm one of them). It's hard to deal with, and tough to let go, but we're able to remove our emotion hat and put on our rational hat to come to grips with reality. But then there are girls who seem to actively not only look for, but CREATE full blown, childish, ridiculously immature DRAMA in their lives. It's like they cannot live without the emotional rollercoaster. They search for problems where there are none, blow things out of proportion, focus only on their needs... and they push EVERYONE in their lives away, even strangers on the internet. It's as though they're completely out of touch, and make NO efforts whatsoever to understand their behavior or fix it. They just go around, and around, and around... Why do they do that? I just don't get it.
blind_otter Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 From what I understand, people who seek out drama tend to come from emotionally or physically chaotic backgrounds - usually emotional, psychological and physical abuse. In a sense, drama is what is familiar to them because that is all they have ever known, from a very young age. And to be honest - EVERYONE has a problem getting out of their comfort zone. I suppose that's why some people tend to hang onto things that may not be necessarily healthy for them - relationships, ex-partners. It may not be good, but it is what they know. And what is more terrifying than the unknown? It is really bad form to judge these people, JMO. It's sad and they struggle much more than you will ever know. There but for the grace of God.... It takes a lot of strength of will and self-reflection to change fundamental aspects of one's personality. I used to be a drama addict myself. Hell I spent 10 years addicted to drugs and living the scene - which is self-propgating drama. And I can attest to the fact that it truely is difficult to change the basic parts of your own personality.
Kamille Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 True dat. I sometimes wonder if I'm a drama queen or if LS feeds into my own personnal dramas.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 True dat. I sometimes wonder if I'm a drama queen ..... Harrrrrrrdly, woman.
Kamille Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Harrrrrrrdly, woman. I guess situation with (ex)-bf sometimes made me feel like a drama queen. I find that what's hard about the people who seem to create their own drama is figuring out how to get through to them.
Prodigal Princess Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Some people, especially attention-seekers and narcissists, just get off on drama. They do tend to push rational-minded people away but they attract a whole lot of other people (mostly other drama addicts). For whatever reason, their lives will always be messy and I believe that's the way they like it. It's like couples who fight all the time - often that's just the only way they know how to communicate, and they wouldn't choose to live in a peaceful household. Each to their own I guess. Dramatic people tend to stress me out in real life but damn, they are the lifeblood of LS!
Lauriebell82 Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I tend to create drama sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better over the past year or so. It's not so much drama, it's more overanalyzing (the cures of being a therapist). But yeah there are girls who go way overboard. My best friend just attracts drama like CRAZY. And yes there are def. some on LS. I guess if there weren't drama queens LS wouldn't be all that interesting however. I think drama is what keeps us coming back!
Taramere Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 (edited) It takes a lot of strength of will and self-reflection to change fundamental aspects of one's personality. I used to be a drama addict myself. Hell I spent 10 years addicted to drugs and living the scene - which is self-propgating drama. And I can attest to the fact that it truely is difficult to change the basic parts of your own personality. Well said - not to mention well done. For a person to apply the insight and honesty required to recognise any kind of addiction they have (whether to drama or anything else) is a commendable thing. My best friend is an amazingly skilled counsellor, and I wish I had a fraction of her insight, patience and maturity. She's talked of having her own tendencies towards drama. I wouldn't say she has that tendency more than anyone else I know, but perhaps that's because she recognises and manages it so well. So if she does have a tendency to drama - well, that's just part of her, and she's a great person so what does it matter? I think if someone has a tendency to over-dramatise, the way to help them probably involves encouraging them to recognise that tendency in an unthreatening way. For example, by pointing out the positive aspects of a dramatic personality as well as the negatives. If we can accept our flaws without feeling like a terrible, unacceptable person because of them, it makes them that bit easier to manage. Edited March 1, 2008 by Taramere
Letranger Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I have to agree with Taramere a little bit. I don't know you that well enough Star, but there does seem to be a pattern with your cat fights. But I think you are cool
Taramere Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) I have to agree with Taramere a little bit. My post's been deleted, which makes it look as though it must have been an attack or off topic - and it most certainly wasn't. Why do they do that? I just don't get it. Conflict is the essence of drama. It's exciting. You know this, because you get into a lot of conflict with people on this board. I was hoping you'd address that point when I raised it in my previous post - but instead, all that happened was that my post got deleted, which I found odd. To me, that points at "let's not really attempt to address or resolve this. Ever. Let's just allow it to keep raising its head in the form of angry digs and exchanges with other women...and never attempt to get to the root of why this particular poster continually does this." To borrow from you... ...make NO efforts whatsoever to understand their behavior or fix it. They just go around, and around, and around... I think, from your posts, that it's very important to you that you're regarded as a strong, secure and rational person...but I also suspect that you're afraid you'll never get there. And that that's why you spend so much time criticising the more vulnerable posters. Making up "thank god I'm not Fray" Haikus. That kind of thing. Taking up the persecutor role in that drama triangle can feel good. Give you a sense of being strong and in control. It's a false illusion though - because as long as you're in that drama triangle, regardless of the role you're playing you're far from being in control. The more you chastise the more vulnerable and chaotic posters here, the more you're ultimately attacking those aspects of yourself that are both vulnerable and chaotic. How does that help you? It can't. It can only leave you with a sense of self loathing for those aspects of yourself that you just can't accept. Until you get to a place where you can be more tolerant and accepting in respect of other people's flaws, you're going to carry on hating what you're trying not to see in the mirror. Edited March 2, 2008 by Taramere
sb129 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 F It is really bad form to judge these people, JMO. It's sad and they struggle much more than you will ever know. There but for the grace of God.... It takes a lot of strength of will and self-reflection to change fundamental aspects of one's personality. I used to be a drama addict myself. Hell I spent 10 years addicted to drugs and living the scene - which is self-propgating drama. And I can attest to the fact that it truely is difficult to change the basic parts of your own personality. I agree absolutely B_O. As a reformed drama queen myself, I can also confirm that it is a truly difficult thing to take a good hard look in the mirror sometimes and make some changes for the better. In my case it took me until I hit absolute rock bottom before I could do that. I am not entirely sure why I no longer thrive on drama. I think there are a number of reasons- I had a terribly overly dramatic R that exhausted me and totally depleted my emotional strength. I think that level of drama cured me from wanting anymore! I also became alot more comfortable in my own skin, and no longer felt the need to be the centre of attention anymore. In fact, I now shy away from it. Life is much more content these days- I still have a tendency to overdramatise on occasion, but I recognise this in myself and can rein it in quite well most of the time except when I have PMT and the subject is housekeeping My partner keeps me grounded too, he isn't overly dramatic, which helps me to see that alot of my previous R behaviour patterns were a bit too dramatic. I also feel very loved and secure in my R which helps although I think I can take half of the credit for that, as I was secure in myself before i went into the R.
Florida Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) I think, from your posts, that it's very important to you that you're regarded as a strong, secure and rational person...but I also suspect that you're afraid you'll never get there. And that that's why you spend so much time criticising the more vulnerable posters. Making up "thank god I'm not Fray" Haikus. That kind of thing. Taking up the persecutor role in that drama triangle can feel good. Give you a sense of being strong and in control. It's a false illusion though - because as long as you're in that drama triangle, regardless of the role you're playing you're far from being in control. The more you chastise the more vulnerable and chaotic posters here, the more you're ultimately attacking those aspects of yourself that are both vulnerable and chaotic. How does that help you? It can't. It can only leave you with a sense of self loathing for those aspects of yourself that you just can't accept. Until you get to a place where you can be more tolerant and accepting in respect of other people's flaws, you're going to carry on hating what you're trying not to see in the mirror. Letranger: I have to agree with Taramere a little bit. I don't know you that well enough Star, but there does seem to be a pattern with your cat fights. But I think you are cool Because many of Fray's posts on Star's threads were deleted, it is possible you/others never saw the initial posts from *a certain poster* to Star. Initially, it started as Star giving advice to *a certain poster*, then the certain poster responded by saying "Thank God I'm not you, my BF loves me, yours doesn't" things of that nature although not correctly quoted they were very, very below the belt by any estimation. Many posters chimed in to say just that in defense of Star. But because LS deletes posts, history becomes re-written and now Star looks like she goes after certain posters, when really in reality she is just returning what was handed to her. Edited March 2, 2008 by Florida
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 More drama My reasoning is simple. Some people's brains thrive on the neurotransmitters and hormones released from the stimulation extant during emotionally dramatic episodes. Others brains just don't respond in the same way. It's kinda like some people have a propensity for addictive behaviors and others don't. An example would be an endorphin junkie. They think they "love" that exercise high, but it's really just their brain bathing in the natural opiads. I would ponder serotonin (and other monoamines) and adrenalin are at work here Next best thing to orgasm! Carry on!
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Its not just women there are men like that as well heck some I know are WORSE by far then women when it comes to being a drama queen.
Kamille Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I am not entirely sure why I no longer thrive on drama. I think there are a number of reasons- I had a terribly overly dramatic R that exhausted me and totally depleted my emotional strength. I think that level of drama cured me from wanting anymore! I also became alot more comfortable in my own skin, and no longer felt the need to be the centre of attention anymore. In fact, I now shy away from it. Life is much more content these days- I still have a tendency to overdramatise on occasion, but I recognise this in myself and can rein it in quite well most of the time except when I have PMT and the subject is housekeeping My partner keeps me grounded too, he isn't overly dramatic, which helps me to see that alot of my previous R behaviour patterns were a bit too dramatic. I also feel very loved and secure in my R which helps although I think I can take half of the credit for that, as I was secure in myself before i went into the R. I used to rely on drama too - to have stories to tell. I thought it made me interesting. Drama was embedded in the on-going inside narrative inside my head. I no longer rely on drama so much - and in fact often try to avoid it. I don't know why. I think it happened as I was trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time dating. I soon realized that creating drama was my very counter-productive way of feeding my own insecurities. I feared rejection so much that I never paid attention to the actual compability: was the guy I was dating actually worth all the anguish? And of course, once I started paying attention to the guys I was dating instead of paying attention to how much they liked me, my dating life improved a lot - not only quality wise, but quantity wise. It was way easier for me to meet guys and get asked out.
Taramere Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Because many of Fray's posts on Star's threads were deleted, it is possible you/others never saw the initial posts from *a certain poster* to Star. Initially, it started as Star giving advice to *a certain poster*, then the certain poster responded by saying "Thank God I'm not you, my BF loves me, yours doesn't" things of that nature although not correctly quoted they were very, very below the belt by any estimation. Many posters chimed in to say just that in defense of Star. But because LS deletes posts, history becomes re-written and now Star looks like she goes after certain posters, when really in reality she is just returning what was handed to her. I appreciate that in Star's absence you maybe want to try to present her side. I'm sorry for focusing on any particular dispute, because I think that just serves to distract from the point I'm trying to make. Regardless of who initiates it, drama can't happen unless there are people who are willing to step into the necessary roles to make it happen, and keep it going. Once a person becomes conscious of the part they play, they can learn techniques for resisting other people's attempts to push them into that role. Once they've learned that, they're far less likely to feel manipulated by or concerned about anyone else's desire for drama.
sb129 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Because many of Fray's posts on Star's threads were deleted, it is possible you/others never saw the initial posts from *a certain poster* to Star. Initially, it started as Star giving advice to *a certain poster*, then the certain poster responded by saying "Thank God I'm not you, my BF loves me, yours doesn't" things of that nature although not correctly quoted they were very, very below the belt by any estimation. Many posters chimed in to say just that in defense of Star. But because LS deletes posts, history becomes re-written and now Star looks like she goes after certain posters, when really in reality she is just returning what was handed to her. I remember some of those episodes. I remember the "my BF loves me more than yours loves you" post too. It was quite below the belt. I didn't really follow the posters (frays) threads though. I used to rely on drama too - to have stories to tell. I thought it made me interesting. Drama was embedded in the on-going inside narrative inside my head.. Oh snap!!! I was always the one who had great stories about all my dating disasters! I think some of my friends are a little bit disappointed that I don't fulfil that role anymore. I no longer rely on drama so much - and in fact often try to avoid it. I don't know why. I think it happened as I was trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time dating. I soon realized that creating drama was my very counter-productive way of feeding my own insecurities. I feared rejection so much that I never paid attention to the actual compability: was the guy I was dating actually worth all the anguish? And of course, once I started paying attention to the guys I was dating instead of paying attention to how much they liked me, my dating life improved a lot - not only quality wise, but quantity wise. It was way easier for me to meet guys and get asked out. Kamille, snap again. You have hit the nail on the head. The minute I stopped worrying about getting rejected, life became alot less dramatic, much happier, and my love life was much more successful. My friends may not have any good stories from me anymore, but I am a million times more content!
mental_traveller Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 It is really bad form to judge these people, JMO. It's sad and they struggle much more than you will ever know. There but for the grace of God.... It takes a lot of strength of will and self-reflection to change fundamental aspects of one's personality. I used to be a drama addict myself. Hell I spent 10 years addicted to drugs and living the scene - which is self-propgating drama. And I can attest to the fact that it truely is difficult to change the basic parts of your own personality. I can't really agree with this. There are people who grow up in war zones, lose limbs or get pressed ganged to fight in their teens, and manage to get their life in order. We're supposed to feel sorry for someone growing up in one of the most affluent societies in history?? Someone who is abused as a child, or grows up in foster homes or something, fair enough. But your common garden drama queen or spoiled boy gets no sympathy from me. I agree it is hard to change. It's so much easier to make other people suffer, than to have to exert true effort and endure suffering oneself in the cause of self-improvement.
sb129 Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 I appreciate what you are saying Mental Traveller, but isn't it all relative? Of course someone growing up in a war zone has got it tough, but its quite and extreme comparison to make. It actually seems that you DO agree with Blind Otters post - she essentially means this I agree is is hard to change. It's so much easier to make other people suffer than to have to exert true effort and endure suffering onself in the cause of self-improvement I agree, some people do create drama where there is no need for any- and these people are hard to sympathise with. I personally don't know the reasons (if there are any) behind BlindOtters drug abuse. But you can't take away the fact that she pulled through it, which is a difficult thing to do whatever way you look at it.
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