angelj Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 For the person who is involved and engaging in an EA...or has in the past... Did the OM/OW really mean anything to you? Or was it simply a void-filler? A waste of your time? Did or do you miss the person if you have engaged in NC? I've read that EAs typically just fill in everything that a H or W lacks to provide in a marriage...or a partner is not giving in a relationship... Did you ever really care for this person who got wrapped up in your EA? Just curious...I've never engaged in an EA while being involved...I do think I was a part of one before however... Thanks
daisygirl Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) I've just got out of an EA, started NC about 1 week and a half ago, so my feelings are still pretty strong, but I will answer you anyway... My OM definitely meant something to me. My marriage was rocky before I met him, and yes, he did fill some voids, but I can honestly say there was a connection, and I do miss him very much. He and I never met in person, but we talked on the phone quite a bit and shared a lot. I felt something for him that I have never felt with anyone else. If I had been single when I met the OM, I know that he is someone I'd pursue something with. Since we never met in person, I'll never know how the connection would be in real life. We both knew that things could have been different if we had actually met - better or worse.... It sucks that I'll never know, but now I am in NC with him and trying to work on my marriage. Hope this helps!! ETA: you can read my story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145326/ Edited February 29, 2008 by daisygirl Added info
bullhunter Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 She filled an emptiness that I had at the time. I was looking to have a friend when I needed one. If the question is "Was I interested in her as a possible wife or lover?" The answer is no, I wasn't.
carhill Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 NC= No contact Yep, I had an EA off an on for about 8 years with a MW back in the 80's. I finally went NC (didn't know what that meant at the time but figured cutting contact was the only way to get over her) and, yes, I wanted marry her and have kids with her. I was a virgin at the time and was 33 when I went NC. During a particular low point in my life last year, after placing my mother in an Alzheimer's facility and experiencing difficulties in my marriage, I looked her up on the internet and sent an unsigned birthday card to her last known address with my web site url placed on the back of the card near the price. She, now divorced, called me about a month later and we resumed our friendship like the 14 interceding years had never existed. I'm now in MC and am honestly quite ambivalent. There are no deceptions (my wife knows her and she and her boyfriend have been over for dinner) and we've decided to leave the past as it was. I don't think she has any issues, but I'm seriously considering NC just to get my head straight, as I believe my emotions and attachment were/are much stronger than hers. Since I never really "forgot" her, and imagine the connection will live on in some form for the rest of my life, I don't think the original EA filled a void, as I was quite happy being single at the time and her first appearance just hit me like a ton of bricks, but definitely filled a void the second time (I felt abandoned emotionally by my wife, who had detached herself during my mother's illness). See my postings in the thread below for more info: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1553592
surfcitysiren Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES, ABSOLUTELY people can and often DO actually care very deeply for the OM/OW in an EA situation....even an online one, as I've had the recent misfortune of experiencing first hand and am still in the process of coping with. In my case, I've been married 18 years to someone I've known for 22 years. We met when I was 16 and married when I was 21. He is 8 years older than me. We have 2 children, ages 8 adn 5. He is emotionally abusive and has consistently chipped away my love for him. If I did not have kids, I would have walked already. I looked for a FRIEND and found one. I purposely chose him because he was sooooo far away and therefore, in my mind, 'safe'. I never ever led him on. He always understood exactly where I was coming from/looking for/able to offer. I think because it was an online thing and we are so far apart that I had a false sense of security. Since I knew it could never really 'go' anywhere, I felt much safer dropping my guard and letting this person into my heart. I can tell you that absolutely, positively with NO DOUBT that if I were free to pursue this man, I absolutely would have, without hesitation. I did and still do have sincere feelings toward him. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Yes because I hurt myself in the process. I do not blame him. I take responsibilty for my actions. No, because I think I have learned and am continuing to learn a lot about myself and what is wrong in my own situation. I hope this helps
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES, ABSOLUTELY people can and often DO actually care very deeply for the OM/OW in an EA situation....even an online one, as I've had the recent misfortune of experiencing first hand and am still in the process of coping with. In my case, I've been married 18 years to someone I've known for 22 years. We met when I was 16 and married when I was 21. He is 8 years older than me. We have 2 children, ages 8 adn 5. He is emotionally abusive and has consistently chipped away my love for him. If I did not have kids, I would have walked already. I looked for a FRIEND and found one. I purposely chose him because he was sooooo far away and therefore, in my mind, 'safe'. I never ever led him on. He always understood exactly where I was coming from/looking for/able to offer. I think because it was an online thing and we are so far apart that I had a false sense of security. Since I knew it could never really 'go' anywhere, I felt much safer dropping my guard and letting this person into my heart. I can tell you that absolutely, positively with NO DOUBT that if I were free to pursue this man, I absolutely would have, without hesitation. I did and still do have sincere feelings toward him. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Yes because I hurt myself in the process. I do not blame him. I take responsibilty for my actions. No, because I think I have learned and am continuing to learn a lot about myself and what is wrong in my own situation. I hope this helps OMG, our stories are SO similar....we need to talk!!!
gspgal Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I looked for a FRIEND and found one. I purposely chose him because he was sooooo far away and therefore, in my mind, 'safe'. I never ever led him on. He always understood exactly where I was coming from/looking for/able to offer. I think because it was an online thing and we are so far apart that I had a false sense of security. Since I knew it could never really 'go' anywhere, I felt much safer dropping my guard and letting this person into my heart. I'm curious: if you were looking for a safe friend, why not chose a woman?
surfcitysiren Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I posted to your original post about your EA saying the SAME thing.....so similar, it's almost....scary! LOL! All the best to you.
angie2443 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 "In my case, I've been married 18 years to someone I've known for 22 years. We met when I was 16 and married when I was 21. He is 8 years older than me. We have 2 children, ages 8 adn 5. He is emotionally abusive and has consistently chipped away my love for him. If I did not have kids, I would have walked already." Surfcitysiren, your post caught my eye. If your husband is emotionally abusive to you, he most likely is to the children to. In this situation, if he doesn't take measures to change this, it would be best to leave with the children. This is one situation where staying together for the kids, will do more harm than good for them.
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I posted to your original post about your EA saying the SAME thing.....so similar, it's almost....scary! LOL! All the best to you. Yeah, i wish we could PM on here, but can't unless you are a premium member, I think....
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