Cool Chick Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Well, had a bad morning today. Actually, for some reason it’s been a bad week. It’s been over a month of no contact and I still go through the roller coaster of emotions. It’s really hard having ‘him’ living next door and try to go thought NC. It’s like no matter what you do, he’s still there. It’s not like I want to torment myself, there’s just no getting around the constant presence of the man who lied to me. The problem lately is anger. Lots and lots of anger. I get sooooo angry and then upset at how he treated me. I don’t want to feel like a piece of trash that was thrown away. What the F**k was he thinking? I don’t understand how a man can take a woman who cares deeply for him, who never lied or misled him, and throw it all away? I feel like an idiot for feeling this way, but it’s the betrayal of trust that hurts so damn much. I TRUSTED him. I feel like I was stabbed in the heart when it was most open to him. I finally relented after a year of him chasing after me and opened my heart to him…..and he stabbed me just at the right moment to hurt the most and cause the most lasting damage. I want to be forgiving and move on, but I’m having such a hard time trying to envision trusting someone else. I’m not a trusting person to begin with and I feel like that has made me all the more untrusting of men. They are so careless for the emotions of those who have feelings for them. I was hurt sooo badly when I trusted, how do I learn to trust again? Cool Chick
dfreeman Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Hi Cool Chick, I can't help you with the next door part - I only truly started to heal when I moved away from my ex. As much as I came on here and went to the gym, seeing her everyday seemed to keep me stuck on day 1. You are like so many on LS that have it extra tough, and I hope that means that any progress you make will be that much more gratifying to you. Are there any means you have to symbolically make less contact (parking your car the other way, leaving out a side door and not looking that way) - that may help ease your mind and build a little pride? On the trust issue... Learning to trust only comes from learning and appreciating the concept of trustworthiness. Most people start out trusting just about everybody until somebody (or, a few people) break that trust. Then, faced with a horrible life of loneliness and fear, they start to look really hard at what kind of people live up to their words. Sooner or later, you start to get good at figuring-out the ones that don't and you don't let them hurt you. I can't speak for you, but I usually arrive at pity and indifference long before I actually forgive someone that breaks my trust?
sedgwick Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I wish I knew how to trust again. I did the same thing, totally trusting him and telling him what a big deal that was for me, and then getting tossed aside. I can't imagine ever trusting or loving again, but I just keep trying to tell myself I might someday, anything is possible.
EllaDerSpin Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I know how this feels. Trust is kind of a matter of choice. You either choose to have faith (in someone new) or you don't. First though, realise that you deserve a good relationship. Then don't settle for less.
s_n_d Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I know how hard it is sometimes. Its completely acceptable that your angry at your ex. You deserve someone A MILLION TIMES BETTER than your ex. Stay strong && Keep smiling.
Author Cool Chick Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Thanks everyone, you thoughts and support do truly help. I think you guys have stopped me from contacting him a few times now. I don't like feeling so bitter toward another person, but I think this is something I have to go through in order to come out the other side a stronger woman. It's weird, I want to contact him and see how he's doing, but every time I really think on it my stomach starts to turn. It feels like I would be surrendering control over to him again and I would be right back to the same place I was before. I can't honestly see how a friendship with this man (and he wants one) would be beneficial to me at all. The last number of months it just seemed like I was trying to make him happy. I can't remember the last time he asked what I wanted to do, it always had to be on his terms. I don't want any relationship where it's on someone else's terms. I miss the person he was, I really truly do. It makes me so sad sometimes. I wish it was different. Coll Chick
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