sync Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 So heres' my story. You may have read my other thread Here So I broke it off with her last night. I've been going out with her for almost three years and it was a decision I didn't want to come to. I did it face-to-face like I was advised. It didn't go well. She handled it well but I didnt say everything I wanted to say, like I knew would happen. However, I feel so lousy. I'm in tears as I write this. I'm so guilty because I know I hurt her badly, she hasnt turned into work today, and that worries me because she never ever missed work, no matter what happened. So I feel horrible. I also feel self doubt, I'm questioning my decision but deep down I know I had to end it with her because I couldn't see a future for us. I've written a letter to her to tell her everything I couldn't say to her face to face. Are these normal feelings after breaking up with someone?
prisonbreak Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 it sounds like you are really hurting. Do you think there may be a future for the 2 of you if you are given some space and time to think things thru? Usually the one that does the dumping doesnt feel quite as bad, so i was curious if maybe there still is a chance? Were you just not attracted to her anymore or was it more a personality thing? But regardless, you are not in control of her feelings. Yes, she is sad and may be taking this really hard, but you did the right thing by being honest and true to her and YOURSELF. If I were you, I'd hang on to the letter and give it to her if she tries asking you more questions and needs more closure. These feelings are normal, they are yours and it's ok. I commend you for your honesty and bravery.
Author sync Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 We lost that 'spark'. Im starting to think there could be a chance because I feel so bad, I think that maybe things could work out but I don't think she'd be willing to try now. She messaged me today and has basically called our relationship a lie, that really hurts me. When I started having these doubts, I didn't tell her about them and she is now saying that huirt her more than anything. I told her thats how I deal with things, by conealing it but she is kind of lashing out, which I totally understand. I feel absolutely horrible, I just wish she saw it the way you do.
Author sync Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 I told her there could be a chance for us. She asked me if I genuinely want us to work on our problems or whether Im just saying it because I know how much I've hurt her. Problem is, I don't know that myself. I honesty cant make my mind up. What do I do now?
dfreeman Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Feeling guilty and horrible are no reasons to stay with someone. Do some quick soul-searching my friend and decide if this relationship has just gone stale or if it needs to end. If it is just stale, and there is something she can do to breathe new life into it, let her know and get to it. If you are only think there is a chance because you feel bad, there isn't really a chance - newsflash...breaking up with someone usually does feel pretty s#1tty. If you feel that it needs to end, be prepared to be wrong down the road and still lose a good woman.
Cool Chick Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Sync, Are you sure your not mistaking loosing the 'spark' of the relationship with moving into a different stage of the relationship? Face it, no relationship is ever going to have the same 'high' as when you first meet and fall in love. At some point you will come down off that high and learn to be with one another on a different level. This is more what I consider the 'reality' level. This is where you either have enough things in common with each other that you can still be together, or you find out that the things that you didn't approve of while you were in the 'infatuation' stage of the relationship now drive you crazy. Relationships are work, don't kid yourself. If you take each other for granted it'll never work out in the end. Have you done anything to revive the 'spark', or have you stopped doing the things that made the 'spark' in the first place? Just some thoughts. Cool Chick
Author sync Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Well. I've been getting more and more distant from her for a while and without realising it, I stopped putting the effort in a while ago, she made me see that. But I did decide I didn't want to be with her not just because we lost that spark but I feel that we didn't have a future together either. She is giving me some time to sort myself out and decide whether I think we could work again. I just dont know whether I want to work at it because I hurt her and feel bad or because I really do want to work at it. Im having trouble decideing how I feel. Im going to take some time to think and if I feel that im only willing to work because I feel guilty, I will call it off. On the other hand, if I feel like we could genuinely work again, I will work my hardest to get us back on track.
Goodin Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Time apart is good in these situations...if she is willing to give that to you. Just don't jump to any decisions that you think you might regret unless you are sure that's what you want to do. Take the time...good luck!
s_n_d Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Goodin is right. Be ABSOLUTELY sure you want this.
Author sync Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 I spent the night with my friends tonight, two really good friends. Had a good time, I needed to clear my mind but Im not nearer a decision yet. Hopefully I can sort myself out and decide what I want Thanks for the advice. Its appreciated.
eagle5 Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I read somewhere recently that is is very easy to mistake your own guilty and hurting feelings with love for the other person. Whether you are the dumper or dumpee. You are right to take your time over this one, like everyones said you need to be sure, if you go back for the wrong reasons, it will only happen again.
Author sync Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 I spent my night with my best friend, the first time i've been able to have a heart to heart and talk to someone. I guilty and I'm not in love with her anymore, I care so hugely for her and I know it will hurt her so much but I don't think I can go back into the relationship. I'm going to take a few more days and be certain. Like you said, I think I mistook my guilt for wanted to get back with her. I feel devastated about hurting like I have and I think that confused me. I think the answer was there all along. I only felt the need to try to work through it when she texted me saying how much I'd hurt her. She's really hurting, and feels like I mistreated her and I guess she needs that right now. Hopefully she will realise that I didnt want to hurt her but there is no use being in a relationship if Im not fully 'in' it.
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