Mac and I........ where do we stand?

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Alright, THIS IS INCREDIBLY LONG, SO PREPARE, but everything I typed is needed for the sense of the story. I will sum this up as quickly as possible……..

 

This girl McKenzie (I will call her Mac from now on) and I have known each other going on 6 years now. The first year we met we hit it off well, hung out got a long great. After about 5 or 6 months of knowing one another I was looking for a new place to live and Mac and her roommates were in search of a roommate. So naturally it was a perfect fit and so I moved in. the first few weeks the other roomies were all gone for various reasons, so we literally spent all day everyday together. To cut to the chase, we ended becoming a couple and stayed together for nearly a year. After about 6 months of living together, I had to move out due to financial problems and move back with the parents. No biggie, I was only 19 at the time. Anyway, Mac and I ended up splitting up amicably (more or less) 11 months into the relationship. It was more her breaking it off then me, but it wasn’t because of any horrible things. No cheating, no bad blood at all or anything. I more or less just took for granted the relationship and didn’t really put everything I had into it. Mac is someone I have always cared for dearly. A few months after we split, I tried to get us back together. Being young and dumb at the time, I came on a bit to strong and caught her completely off guard by saying I was in love with her and that I wanted to be back with her blah blah. She said she only wanted to be friends now. So we didn’t talk much for a couple years, but again no bad blood or ill feelings towards one another. We would talk every blue moon via instant messenger or the occasional e-mail. Well about a year ago for whatever the reason we started talking a lot more online and sending e-mails frequently. I was dating someone at that point, but honestly my feelings for Mac never went away. They died down obviously, b/c after so many years you just move on, but I honestly never lost it for her. As we began to converse more and more I did my best to talk myself into believing that just being friends was great and that’s how it should stay yadda yadda. This past july we decided to meet up face to face for the first time in over 2 ½ years. And literally the second I saw her everything just came rushing back to me. Ive always found her to be absolutely stunning and amazingly gorgeous. Now mind you, I have been in 3 other pretty serious relationships besides her. One girl I even considered marrying, so this isn’t a first crush type deal at all. This is legit! She does something too me, that I honestly never have felt, not even with the marriage candidate I mentioned previously. Im normally quite cold and lack any emotion towards females. Im just indifferent really. But with her, its completely different! every time I see her, talk to her, talk about her, anything her I beam with joy and am genuinely happy. Anyway to get back on track, mac and I had a wonderful time together. We got a bite to eat, saw a stand up comedy act, got some drinks at a bar, hung out for like 7 hours and had a blast. I felt it all once again, like I said, but I subdued my feelings and hid them away and didn’t put much thought or effort towards again, b/c I didn’t problems with my girlfriend at the time. We continue our frequent IM chats and e-mails and about a month or so later we hang out again, this time at our cities oktoberfest party. The two of us hang out with a group of her friends. We have another great evening talking, drinking and dancing a bit. Then as the evening began to wind down and her friends left just us two together, she started being real flirty with me. She was fairly buzzed not drunk, but buzzed. She started rubbing my back and my shoulders, trying to hold my hand, walk arm and arm with me, etc. part of me loved it and the other part of me felt incredibly guilty b/c of my g/f. I didn’t want to feel like I was betraying her. So I did my very best and did quite well of keeping her from holding my hand. I kept my hands in my pockets and when she would do the arm and arm thing I would kind of keep my arm loose, so it would be less couple like. Yah know?! And like I said, a part of me loved her doing this, it felt so damn good and so right, but I knew I had another great girl at home. So this went on for about an hour or so and we walked back to my car, so I could drive her to her car at a parking lot a few blocks down. We sat in my car and talked for a while and to wrap the evening up we gave each other a long hug. She pulled away and gave me the look like “I want to kiss you”. but I refrained. We end up talking a bit more and hug again to finally call it an evening, I pull back and she leans in and kisses me on the lips. I swear to god she kissed me, not the other way around. I didn’t even have my lips puckered, b/c I wasn’t expecting it. After a second I realized what happened and I wanted so badly to grab her and kiss her back, as this was something I had longed for for almost 3 years now. But again, knowing I had a g/f I didn’t. well a few days later, our first contact she kind of acted weird and acted like it never happened, didn’t mention it again. We actually ended up not having any contact for about a month or so. After that I was confused as to what she wanted. Mac is a hard girl to read when it comes to stuff like this. Even back in the day when we lived together and grew into a couple, it wasn’t obvious how into me she was on the outside. Shes very private about that kind of stuff. It wasn’t until we were actually together her feelings came to fruition. My girlfriend I kept mentioning and I broke up a handful of months back and Mac is also single. By the way my former g/f and I did not break up b/c of Mac. It just ran its course. Anyway so now it’s the end of February and I d say the last 2 months or so Mac and I have hung out approximately 6 or 7 times. Movies, out to eat, snow tubing road trip, stand up comedy show, bars, etc. But here is the problem, I honestly for the life of me cannot figure out if she is into me as a boyfriend again or not. I know from reading this it may seem like a no brainer, but its honestly not easy to figure out at all. Now when we end the evening with a hug its like she goes out of her way to make sure we don’t get in that position again to kiss. But we do a lot of “date” type activities by ourselves. Its incredibly confusing. So I have said all that, to say this…… without just coming out and saying “hey do you want to be together” how can I stealth like try to piece the puzzle together? What are some clues or hints to look out for? From reading this, what is your opinion on the situation? Do u think she could be interested or is it no shot in hell? Obviously I would prefer to date, but im not seeking out that being the answer. I just want whatever is the truth honestly. So what say you loveshackers? Help out a brotha! Thanks for your time and effort to those of you who do read and reply to this. I know its brutally long. Thanks a ton! Peace

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if you have any questions about the situation, feel free to ask. i'll answer anything. thanks

[Nintenja]

Paragraphs ftw, man.

[D-Lish]

It's hard to read the post without paragraphs....

 

But- if you have known Mac forever- I don't see why you don't feel like you can just come out and ask her what she wants. Otherwise you are just going to spin in circles!

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It Wont Let Me Edit The Post To Break It Up Into Paragraphs. So I Created A New Post With Paragraphs, So Mods Please Feel Free To Delete This. Sorry For The Confusion. Thanks Guys!!

[xpaperxcutx]

Okay that was a long read.

But in my opinion, I don't think that she was intentionally trying to give off mixed signals. The last time you guys supposedly " kissed" occurred when she was tipsy you say? Well you do know that the effect of alcohol is that it lowers a persons inhibitions?

 

From what you've posted, after all these years, you've have not really moved on emotionally. You still have and hold feelings for her, but besides physical attraction, do you find that you're physically ready to date her? Her actions speaks volumes. She's being really tentative at this moment, not exactly sure of herself whether she wants to pursue something more stay on a frienship basis. I suppose the best and easiest thing would be to ask her, but you're adamant that the to the belief that she will reject you. The best approach? Spend more time with her first to truly see whether the feelings you have for her is genuine. She will reciprocate through her actions should she feel the same.