Chloe_Andersen Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 My boyfriend and I have known each other for less than a year, and have spent 5 months of this 1 year being physically together. My main frustration is that sometimes it feels like he expects me to treat him as a boyfriend, but yet he doesn't treat me like his girlfriend, and gets mad when I start to have expectations of him and our relationship. Another point of stress in this relationship for me, is that I have to figure out how to get a job back in his home country as soon as I can, so we can be together. The problem of course is that its not so easy to get a job back in his home country. I asked him before, what if it takes too long for me to get a job back there, will he still think its worth waiting for me? His reply was that if I visited every 5 months, we might make it work. Of late, I find that we are becoming more and more distant. When I try to talk to him online, he doesn't seem very willing to talk other than about superficial topics. This gets me upset, so I told him about it. I said, our relationship does not feel like a relationship. He got mad with me for bringing that up, saying that I was ruining things by trying to force things to happen. He also said that I was being over needy and insecure, and asked me to grow up, and left the conversation. [Honestly, I feel that I'm not being over needy, I just have basic expectations of what a relationship should be like.] A few days later he came back and told me that he loved me, so it seemed that things were fine again. And some time later, because I was getting worked up about figuring out how to get a job back there as soon as I could, I started asking him if he would even consider marriage as an option to bring me back to his country. (Yes I know its a bit soon to be talking about marriage, and I'm honestly not trying to scare him off, but I was just trying to have a discussion, and besides, if marriage is not even a possibility for us, why put ourselves through all the pain of a LDR?) His reply: you are too scared to find a job back here, so you are trying to find other ways of coming back. Im listing the details of all these conversations here because I'm trying to build up the context to our last conversation. So during that last conversation we had, I asked if he was going to pay for my part of ticket for visiting him in May. (I had already paid for my ticket for visiting him in Dec) Him: How about like $20, or $30? Me: Well ideally half but its up to you. Him: I'll try to save up some money. (He said he is broke) Me: Is it unfair of me to ask you to pay? Him: Here we go again..... you can't live without drama, bringing up the same **** every week. From now on im just going to ignore it. Me: This is not drama, this is real. Its not the same ****. I just want to know if you are not paying for part of my ticket because you are honestly broke, or because you think its unfair. Him: Signed off. Haven't spoken to him ever since as I have stayed offline. He hasn't contacted me either. I don't know if its still worth it to hang on to this relationship, to think of still visiting him even he's not going to contribute anything. Yes I know he says he is broke, but it would just be nice to know that he would try to contribute some at least. Yes I still love him, and I still think of him a lot. Yet it really seems like he doesn't care about us or our relationship.
Author Chloe_Andersen Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Is it true that, if you guys truly love each other, you won't have to ask whether that person loves or not? You would just know?
carhill Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Why doesn't he visit you? And pay for his own ticket? I could have and did do that when I was single more times than I can remember; even crossed oceans! Come on... He's just a player or a child with grown-up genitals. That's my take
bones1 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I think if a man is sincerely interested in a woman he will not be so irritated if you express feelings or want to talk about serious things. You asked about marriage and he claimed you are too scared to find a job? The conversation you posted sounds as if he either has no interest, or takes you completely for granted. He gets mad that you ask him to pay for half? And swears? Then just leaves? Now, as an example, lets pretend Pamela Anderson(just using this as an example to prove a point about how he might act towards someone he would really want to see), was asking him these questions.. He would not get mad or swear, he would buy her ticket, and he would want to listen...He would be doing anything on earth to see her. Thats how men would act if they are very into someone. So, do you want to be a woman he really wants? Or a woman he will tolerate if you go through all the effort.. If you want to know, tell him you have no money for the ticket, and see his reaction.. Will he come up with the money? Or just not see you and not care?
Author Chloe_Andersen Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Thanks for the replies so far =) After i typed it out, I realised that break-up is the only way to go. I'm just afraid of one thing. After we break-up, can we still be friends? (And u may ask, why do i care?) I'm also afraid that if i were to call him or have a video chat with him to tell him that we should break up, he will start blaming me for all the wasted time etc etc. I feel more comfortable with just sending him an email/IM because its less scary. But breaking-up over email/IM is so tragic. Oh sheesh why am I so silly =P
carhill Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 No worries...you'll grow out of it You can always be his friend. You have control over that. The sticky wicket is will he be your friend. Methinks that's doubtful. Try this. Go NC and see if he contacts you. If he does, see what he writes/says. FWIW, and I think you know this, no relationship is a "waste of time", even if it doesn't work out. I've been married nearly 8 years and, even if we divorced tomorrow, I'd look back on an incredibly moving and life-changing experience for myself. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, personal growth and change occurs and it can make you (and did me) a better, more loving person. NC....don't waffle on it...
SeraBella Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 There's absolutely no chance I'd move anywhere, let alone out of the country, to be with a guy that treated me like that. I'm sorry you're going through this. He's putting nothing into it. And offering $20 or $30 for a plane ticket? OMG, that's pretty much an insult. You can barely get a meal at the aiport for that. Sheesh. How did he treat you those 5 months you were together? And, yes, you COULD remain friends. But, it's very hard to get over a relationship when you are "remaining friends." I cannot name anyone right now who was able to heal from a breakup while still in contact with an ex.
bones1 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 The only other thing I can think of is this.. Perhaps you have been way too easy, and too much of a doormat, for him to respect you. He talks to you like that, and you still say you love him, and still are worried about his friendship? You don't have to go through a dramatic break up, just stand up for yourself, at least at for now. Tell him you wont come, and mean it if he doesn't help. . If he doesn't care, forget about him. If he tries hard to figure something out, give him another chance. I can tell if you pull some email break up most likely you will run back if he shows any caring at all, then you will be back at square one.
TMichaels Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 My main frustration is that sometimes it feels like he expects me to treat him as a boyfriend, but yet he doesn't treat me like his girlfriend, and gets mad when I start to have expectations of him and our relationship. What is his definition of treating him like a boyfriend? Tolerating his rudeness and insensitivity? Sorry, but from what you wrote, he sounds like a total jerk not worthy of being anyone's time or attention, let alone qualifying for "boyfriend status." Another point of stress in this relationship for me, is that I have to figure out how to get a job back in his home country as soon as I can, so we can be together. The problem of course is that its not so easy to get a job back in his home country. I asked him before, what if it takes too long for me to get a job back there, will he still think its worth waiting for me? His reply was that if I visited every 5 months, we might make it work. Why is the weight of keeping the relationship all on your shoulders? Why does he (and you) think it's perfectly fine for him to do nothing, while you turn yourself inside out to make things work? Of late, I find that we are becoming more and more distant. When I try to talk to him online, he doesn't seem very willing to talk other than about superficial topics. This gets me upset, so I told him about it. I said, our relationship does not feel like a relationship. Hate to say it, but I agree with your boyfriend. It takes two to be in a relationship. Either he's unbelievably arrogant or just not interested. He got mad with me for bringing that up, saying that I was ruining things by trying to force things to happen. He also said that I was being over needy and insecure, and asked me to grow up, and left the conversation. [Honestly, I feel that I'm not being over needy, I just have basic expectations of what a relationship should be like.] Ruining or forcing what? What's *his* definition of a "relationship?" A one-way street that only focuses on him? A few days later he came back and told me that he loved me, so it seemed that things were fine again. Mind if I ask how old both of you are? And some time later, because I was getting worked up about figuring out how to get a job back there as soon as I could, I started asking him if he would even consider marriage as an option to bring me back to his country. (Yes I know its a bit soon to be talking about marriage, and I'm honestly not trying to scare him off, but I was just trying to have a discussion, and besides, if marriage is not even a possibility for us, why put ourselves through all the pain of a LDR?) His reply: you are too scared to find a job back here, so you are trying to find other ways of coming back. How does exploring possible options for the two of you to be together translate into being too scared to find a job in his country? Sorry, I don't follow your b/f's logic -- if there is any, that is. So during that last conversation we had, I asked if he was going to pay for my part of ticket for visiting him in May. (I had already paid for my ticket for visiting him in Dec)... Him: How about like $20, or $30? Me: Well ideally half but its up to you. Him: I'll try to save up some money. (He said he is broke) Me: Is it unfair of me to ask you to pay? Him: Here we go again..... you can't live without drama, bringing up the same **** every week. From now on im just going to ignore it. Me: This is not drama, this is real. Its not the same ****. I just want to know if you are not paying for part of my ticket because you are honestly broke, or because you think its unfair. Him: Signed off. At the risk of being redundant, why are you the one making all the sacrifices to keep this relationship alive? Is he THAT much of a catch to go to all this trouble and expense? He sounds like a total @ss, if you ask me. Haven't spoken to him ever since as I have stayed offline. He hasn't contacted me either. Good! I don't know if its still worth it to hang on to this relationship, to think of still visiting him even he's not going to contribute anything. Yes I know he says he is broke, but it would just be nice to know that he would try to contribute some at least. Yes I still love him, and I still think of him a lot. Yet it really seems like he doesn't care about us or our relationship. Chloe_Andersen, re-read what you wrote. If a friend of yours was going through/putting up with such crap from her boyfriend, would you tell her to keep going back for more? Run, don't walk, as fast as you can from this idiot. Don't contact him, be done with him, and move on. There are plenty of people out there who will treat you with respect and return your love, trust and affection. This guy isn't one of them. The sooner you get your head around that, the better off you'll be. Best, TMichaels
Author Chloe_Andersen Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Thanks all, for the really prompt replies. T_Michaels: After I typed out my first entry, I realized that indeed, I should not put up with this nonsense anymore. The main reason why I have put up with this, is because I believed that he grew up in a really screwed-up environment of harshness and insensitivity, so in the past when he said mean things I tried to understand why he would say certain things and tell myself that he didn't really mean them. I also believed that he did truly love me after all, and was not playing with my feelings, and that perhaps over time we could iron things out and grow together. And in spite of all the bad stuff, there have been good times. His reasoning on why he thinks I'm trying to force things in our relationship is that he feels that we haven't had the time together to know each other well enough (By time together I mean being together in the same place, because he's not good at/isn't interested in developing the relationship further over a long distance) (Is 5 months really not enough for us to start talking about all these serious things?) Also he had broken up with his ex of 5 years a few months before we got to know each other, and 7 months before we decided to pursue the LDR. Which means he probably hadn't gotten over her completely and may have been seeing me as a rebound. But it is also the fact that he had such a long-lasting and deep relationship in the past which made me feel that we could have a good relationship too. Oh well, maybe he is really not interested in me. But I like to believe that even if a guy is not interested in a girl, if he is a good guy he would still treat her well (ie tell her frankly that its not working out instead of leading her on) His rationale on why he thinks i'm too scared to find a job back there is because we had conversations before about how unqualified and unconfident I felt right at this point about achieving that aim. He felt that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it was (maybe it isn't that out of reach for me, but it is definitely difficult) and was making a big deal out of it. I agree, I must have been too much of a doormat in the past, which has allowed this dysfunctional relationship to persist. He's 28 and I am 23. I know everyone who has responded thinks he is a player/user, but I'm not totally convinced of that, still. But it doesn't matter. I have broken up with him already (the proper way) and severed all possible ways of electronically staying in touch with him. (IM, facebook, MySpace)
TMichaels Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Thanks all, for the really prompt replies. T_Michaels: After I typed out my first entry, I realized that indeed, I should not put up with this nonsense anymore. Good for you, Chloe. I think you made the wise choice. The main reason why I have put up with this, is because I believed that he grew up in a really screwed-up environment of harshness and insensitivity, so in the past when he said mean things I tried to understand why he would say certain things and tell myself that he didn't really mean them. I also believed that he did truly love me after all, and was not playing with my feelings, and that perhaps over time we could iron things out and grow together. And in spite of all the bad stuff, there have been good times. I'm sure there were good times, or else you wouldn't have been trying to make this work. However, remember as much as you'd like to, you can't fix another person. They have to do that themselves. His reasoning on why he thinks I'm trying to force things in our relationship is that he feels that we haven't had the time together to know each other well enough (By time together I mean being together in the same place, because he's not good at/isn't interested in developing the relationship further over a long distance) (Is 5 months really not enough for us to start talking about all these serious things?) No, you should be talking about those things to find out whether it's worth both your time to continue. You are, he isn't, from the sounds of it. So, congratulations to you for taking trying to determine that, taking the high road, and making the tough decision. Also he had broken up with his ex of 5 years a few months before we got to know each other, and 7 months before we decided to pursue the LDR. Which means he probably hadn't gotten over her completely and may have been seeing me as a rebound. I don't know all the details, but what you've described doesn't sound like a rebound relationship to me. I think he has issues to work out, in general. But it is also the fact that he had such a long-lasting and deep relationship in the past which made me feel that we could have a good relationship too. Yes, a person's past history/treatment of loved ones usually has bearing on how they will act in the future. However, the dynamics are different depending on the two people involved. For whatever reason, he seems to think it's okay to treat you like dirt. Not the most attractive character trait in anyone's book. I just wishing *his next* girlfriend could be watching to see what a lovely "catch" he is. Oh well, maybe he is really not interested in me. But I like to believe that even if a guy is not interested in a girl, if he is a good guy he would still treat her well (ie tell her frankly that its not working out instead of leading her on) I agree. His rationale on why he thinks i'm too scared to find a job back there is because we had conversations before about how unqualified and unconfident I felt right at this point about achieving that aim. He felt that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it was (maybe it isn't that out of reach for me, but it is definitely difficult) and was making a big deal out of it. Aside from the issue that you may not have felt confident about your skills or job prospects, I don't know where you are or what country he lives in, but generally, you just can't move to another country and start working, legally. Manuevering the quagmire of red tape that usually is involved in getting a work permit as a non-resident can be daunting and stressful for even the most confident. Throw in the culture shock of moving to a new country, how business is conducted, not knowing anyone or having family there, etc. --and you're talking a BIG DEAL. The fact that his response to your apprehension was to belittle you was a blessing. His lack of sensitivity and concern saved you the pain to go through all that only to find out later he wouldn't be there for you at all. I agree, I must have been too much of a doormat in the past, which has allowed this dysfunctional relationship to persist. He's 28 and I am 23. Don't kick yourself around the block too hard, Chloe. He is at least 50% at fault here, too. You're young, you have a lifetime ahead of you. Chalk the whole thing up to experience, and move on. I know everyone who has responded thinks he is a player/user, but I'm not totally convinced of that, still. Maybe he isn't, maybe he is. Just remember what I said: It's not your job to fix him, it's his. But it doesn't matter. I have broken up with him already (the proper way) and severed all possible ways of electronically staying in touch with him. (IM, facebook, MySpace) You did the right thing, Chloe. Now, don't waver in your resolve. Learn from your mistakes, and start spending just half of all the energy you've been throwing away on this relationship into the people and things that you've probably been neglecting, and you'll get your life back on track in no time. Best, TMichaels
bones1 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I don't think anyone said he was a player, or user.. It just seems he did not have much respect for you, and was not that into you. . And he is only 23... You are 5 years older.. A man at 23 is usually not nearly as mature as he will be when he is 30.
TMichaels Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I don't think anyone said he was a player, or user.. It just seems he did not have much respect for you, and was not that into you. . And he is only 23... You are 5 years older.. A man at 23 is usually not nearly as mature as he will be when he is 30. Ummm.... No, bones1. SHE's 23. Prince Charming is 28. All the more reason why there's no excuse for him acting like a two-year-old. Best, TMichaels
carhill Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I don't think anyone said he was a player, or user.. It just seems he did not have much respect for you, and was not that into you. . And he is only 23... You are 5 years older.. A man at 23 is usually not nearly as mature as he will be when he is 30. I did http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1554708&postcount=3
Author Chloe_Andersen Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 I agree he did not treat me with much respect yes... but... If he really was not into me, why give me the impression that he wanted me to visit him often to keep our relationship alive, and make solid plans to find a job in his country, and stay clear of interacting with guys as much as possible? And be the one who proposed to move the relationship from a non-serious level to a serious level over the long distance, when I left his country? Ok i know its not good to be fixated on this too.
TMichaels Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I agree he did not treat me with much respect yes... but... If he really was not into me, why give me the impression that he wanted me to visit him often to keep our relationship alive, and make solid plans to find a job in his country, and stay clear of interacting with guys as much as possible? And be the one who proposed to move the relationship from a non-serious level to a serious level over the long distance, when I left his country? Ok i know its not good to be fixated on this too. Chloe, Re-read the highlighted paragraph. Notice that everything this guy said put the onus on you to keep the relationship going? Doesn't that seem a bit unfair and arrogant to you? Absence generally makes the heart grow fonder. However, hanging up on you, telling you you're a drama queen, and offering you 20 bucks toward the cost of an expensive overseas ticket, does not reek of a guy pining away for and wanting to get back together with his long-distance love. Based on how he's acting, I wouldn't be surprised that he's found someone else local, and instead of having the b@lls to tell you, he hopes if he insults and demeans you enough, you'll just go away. If you want to continue to hope things will work out with this guy and don't care how much and how often he takes you for granted and treats you like crap, that's your choice. But, if it were me, I'd stop the abuse immediately, and get on with my life. Best, TMichaels
bones1 Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Chloe, because some men keep others hanging around while they are searching for someone better. Maybe watch someones actions instead of their words. The most telling sign to me that he does not care at all was offering 20 dollars for a ticket, and then just signing off and not contacting you..
Author Chloe_Andersen Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Not to worry, I'm done with him already. I'm not hoping anything about this relationship anymore.
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