Sad and Stuck - W*at to do!

[slphil]

Hey readers-

This is long but if some of you could please read this and respond..any words would be helpful please.

 

I am hoping to gain some insight from outside sources. I am with my boyfriend of 8 months. I left a 2 year relationship to be with him and my new relationship got serious incredibly fast. I fell in love hard...he is totally different than my ex - confident, involved, charasmatic, talented, funny. Both are caring and supportive guys but the passion for things in life my current BF have are what attracted me to him the most. He fell hard for me too and from the beginning I couldnt believe he liked me back. FIRST PROBLEM- I have always felt he is a bit too good for me.

 

So, first 6 months were great. I was happy, stayed confident, we could spend every minute together and it was fabulous. I slowly started to neglect myself and invested everything into him emotionally. He has always been good to me and treated me right but the things he has going on in his life are still his and he would never give them up for me. I have realized that I have nothing in my life that is solely MINE (hobbies, only a couple friends in town that dont know him as well, talents, etc). I guess you could say I lost myself when I fell in love. I got into everything he liked and I found myself starting to lack thinking critically about world issues and discussions. I just didn't care because I was with the man I loved.

 

So, a bit of a step back. Things were going well..he is a great boyfriend and the only thing that ever hurt my feelings is that he can be very strong in his opinions and isn't always open minded. He is like this with his friends and family too...he doesnt mean to be hurtful, he just thinks he is being passionate and likes when people disagree. I started to not like to disagree because I didn't want to argue (discuss heatedly...i dont mean really fight) because I felt like I didnt know what I was talking about most of the time. I brought it up to him occassionally by saying it hurt my feelings but gradually stopped. He encouraged me to disagree...he would say 'you know you dont have to agree with me, i just feel strongly about things' but for some reason I just wanted to please him so bad that it didn't matter.

 

Then Christmas day came and I was spending it with him and his family because I couldn't make it back to my home state to be with family. The eve before I had a crying fit because I felt insecure about sex ..which was another issue that had been creeping up. Then after the Christmas festivities, we came back to out apt (where he had moved in by the way) and i cried and cried. He begged me to come to another party we had planned but I pouted and refused. He had to leave so I stayed at home alone on christmas night. This was the first real and extended panic attack I have ever had. I had an absolute freak out and didn know what to do. After that it felt like a whirlwind into depression and anxiety. I became obsessed with not feeling well because I had always been a perfectly happy and content person. I feel hopeless, insecure, worried, lonely, hard to concentrate, make decisions. I would put on a facade during the day just trying to get through so by the time we were together later at night I would absolutely BREAK DOWN to him. Tell him all about how I feel and what should I do to get better.

 

Somehow I thought he could do something to make me feel better but I havent been able to make myself happy since. I started seeing a therapist and was put on wellbutrin a week ago. I have continued to cry to him day after day for the past 2 months. My insecurities about life and myself have crept into each and every part of our relationship. He has been incredibly patient and understanding...as most guys in a relationship as new as ours would have probably split after 2 weeks. I started using him as my only outlet and have since been in that habit and cant stop.

 

Now I asked him to move out because he has become emotionally disconnected and the stress is killing us both. Our relationship had no chance of enduring if I continued to do what I have been. The bottom line is I have to be happy with myself and learn to be okay on my own. Lately I have been miserable especially when alone..and i hvae turned into a clingy and scared girlfriend. I NEVER thought in a million years I could hvae turned into this but my depression has got me so far down I don't know what to do.

 

I want to continue our relationship so bad but at times I get angry and think if I just dump him..I can take on all the pain at once and just get it over with. But the truth is I love him dearly and am embarrassed about the way I have been treating him. It was like once the early stages of cloud 9 we're in love ended, I looked at myself and realized I hadnt been taking care of ME. I cant think of a single thing I would say no to him about at this time. I have tried so hard to keep him happy the remainder of the say because I knew at night I would go crying to him because I feel he is the onyl one who truly understands. I am continuing to drive him further away which is what I don't want...but when I am in my darkest moments I feel the need to talk to him like nothing else in the world. I know I have to learn to be truly happy with myself and content with my life before I have anything to give another person. Did i give too much too soon and now I am paying for it?

 

Can our relationship be saved? He is supportive and is insistent that I work on myself first and THEN we will worry about our relationship moving forward or not. But I continue to be obsessed with him because I feel a definite decision has to be made either to stay together or not..or else I cant cope. Why cant I just let our relationship be and take time to love myself? I am so scared of losing him that I cant loosen my grip on him. I cant seem to get over this mountain...I dont want to lose my best friend and boyfriend but I have let myself go so far down and I have been dragging him through the mud right along with me.

[Tripper]

I started seeing a therapist and was put on wellbutrin a week ago.

 

S, I feel your pain. I've struggle with depression and I know how debilitating it can be. However there is light at the end of the tunnel.

First keep in mind that the full effects of any AD take about 6 weeks to take full effect. Your Dr. may have started you at a very low level and it will take time to see if you need to increase your dosage. It may take 3 or 4 months before you finally stabilize. In the meantime continue to see your therapist. It's an essential part of treating depression.

 

I am with my boyfriend of 8 months. I left a 2 year relationship to be with him and my new relationship got serious incredibly fast. I fell in love hard...

 

Sweetie, you jumped from one relationship to another without taking time for yourself and figuring out what you need. No wonder you've become "blended" with him. You need to take time to figure out what you need, to heal and to grow as a person.

 

Can our relationship be saved? He is supportive and is insistent that I work on myself first and THEN we will worry about our relationship moving forward or not. But I continue to be obsessed with him because I feel a definite decision has to be made either to stay together or not..or else I cant cope. Why cant I just let our relationship be and take time to love myself? I am so scared of losing him that I cant loosen my grip on him. I cant seem to get over this mountain...I dont want to lose my best friend and boyfriend but I have let myself go so far down and I have been dragging him through the mud right along with me.

 

Time will tell. He sounds like a genuinely caring and intelligent guy and he's right. You need to focus on yourself. If he truly loves you he will wait for you to sort yourself out.

 

But that's the key. You really need to work on yourself. You need to be able to be alone and like yourself. Otherwise how can you be with someone in a relationship, expecting them to like you?

 

If you stay with the therapy and the meds, I promise you things will get better. You will come out a stronger, more whole person in the long run. It's not easy; there's a lot of work to do, but when you come up from the bottom you'll be amazed at how brightly the sun shines.

[slphil]

Tripper-

I don't know who you are or anything about you but THANK YOU. I did not think anyone would read that whole thing and reply. Your words were comforting and meant a lot to me. I am currently at the end of about an 11 day stay back home with my parents. When I return my bf will be moved out and I don't have another roommate. Being alone, physically and in terms of relationship status freak me out big time. I made the decision he had to move out because it was necessary, but the thought of an empty apartment is dreadful. Any ideas of how to soothe myself? how did you comfort yourself when you needed it the most? I have gotten into the bad habit of picking up the phone and calling my bf in my most desperate times. He can hardly take it anymore and I, after the fact, am pissed at what I did to him and myself (yet again!). Our relationship is badly hurt because of me using him as my sole lifeline and dragging him through some ridiculous things. I have to stop solely relying on him during this really hard time or he will end up throwing up his hands and refuse to keep me in his life.

 

I don't want that even though I recognize we need to take time apart from one another. Do you think a real break/break up is needed with NC? I'm afraid it will all get too awkward because its almost like I have forgotten how to act like myself around him. I dont even feel like myself so how am I supposed to be able to do that? I suppose its just not the time for me to be able to be in a relationship. Letting him go and focusing on myself is harder than anything I've ever had to do. Ridiculous right? ahh I used to display such a great sense of humor. Things feel like a serious emergency when you are depressed. I know you have been through it and I appreciate all you have shared with me.

-

[JerseyShortie]

While I am sure he does things that annoy you and make you unhappy...he is a man after all , you really are doing a good job on your own part of killing the relationship. But you know that and you know what you need to do.

 

He shouldn't be your emotional sponge. He SHOULD care about your feelings and want to listen to you but it sounds like you do want to force all your feelings on him all the time. You are looking to him to validate you. If you can't validate yourself, how do you expect him to?

 

I think it is a good idea that you guys have taken a break for the time being. If it is meant to be, it will be. If it isn't, there is someone else out there for you.

 

But you need to do the hard work to take care of yourself first.

[Tripper]

Being alone, physically and in terms of relationship status freak me out big time. I made the decision he had to move out because it was necessary, but the thought of an empty apartment is dreadful. Any ideas of how to soothe myself? how did you comfort yourself when you needed it the most?

 

I don't want that even though I recognize we need to take time apart from one another. Do you think a real break/break up is needed with NC?

-

 

 

Slphil, you've TEMPORARILY lost yourself and you need to do stuff for you to find your way back.

When I bottomed out I found myself living in a monk's cell of a studio apartment. I had divorced from my wife and left the house. My depression was caused by a failing marriage and overwork in a stressful job.

The first thing I did was make this tiny space mine. I painted the colours I wanted, added cheap colourful pictures and prints; truly made the space my own. It was my sanctuary from the world. Some plants and fresh flowers.

Everyday I went for a walk stopping at a Starbucks and treated myself to my favorite coffee. I would shop in the local greengrocers and bakeries and because I'm a classically trained chef, I would cook myself a good meal every evening. I guess in short you could say I made a very conscious effort to look after myself.

I went to therapy weekly and did the work on myself. I must have read over 100 self help books as well.

I came to realize 2 very important but liberating things. First everything you "own", your possessions, are simply stuff and transitory. You came into the world without them and you will leave without them. The second thing I realized is that you are truly alone in the world. You may form temporary or lasting relationships, but you will always be with "yourself" so you need to become someone you like.

Understanding and accepting those 2 simple truths empowered me to realize that it didn't matter what I had or where I was, what mattered was how I looked at life, how I lived life.

S, it wasn't easy at first, actually it was darn hard. And the hardest part was releasing my fears. And that's what the therapy was for.

 

In reinventing myself, I found the process sort of like coming up from the bottom of a lake. As I got closer to the surface, it kept getting brighter and brighter. No quantum leap, just making each day a tiny bit better than the day before.

 

Today, 10 years after I started my journey of reinvention, I lead a balanced life. I work hard, but make a point of keeping it to no more than 40 hours a week. I play hard; golf, skiing, vacations and I take the time just to sit, relax and ponder. And I also do volunteer work for my professional association and a charity.

 

Whether you go NC or not is really a decision you and your bf need to make together. At this point you may not be capable of being in a relationship. Relationships aren't meant to complete you. They're meant to enhance who and what you are. Once you've become "whole" again, after giving to yourself, you will then be able to give to another person.

 

Both you and your bf need to honestly and openly talk. Only then can you decide if you want to be together. At this point in your life, you need to focus on you.

[slphil]

In reinventing myself, I found the process sort of like coming up from the bottom of a lake. As I got closer to the surface, it kept getting brighter and brighter. No quantum leap, just making each day a tiny bit better than the day before.

 

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Tripper- I love how you put that. It seems easier to handle than putting pressure on myself to just snap out of it.

 

My bf and I haven't had the talk yet, but at this point I think I am going to tell him I can offer to be a good and decent friend but an equal partner I certainly cannot be. The questions with that are: Am I really going to be able to handle having him in my life under those terms? And also, is that something he can be patient through? I definitely don't own him so he is free to do whatever he thinks is best. I just don't see my life completely without him.

 

Tripper, I love reading what you have to say. You're wise and it makes me realize how much living I have yet to do. I am happy you now lead a balanced life and have found that place of real contentment.

[xpaperxcutx]

In reinventing myself, I found the process sort of like coming up from the bottom of a lake. As I got closer to the surface, it kept getting brighter and brighter. No quantum leap, just making each day a tiny bit better than the day before.

 

quote]

 

Tripper- I love how you put that. It seems easier to handle than putting pressure on myself to just snap out of it.

 

My bf and I haven't had the talk yet, but at this point I think I am going to tell him I can offer to be a good and decent friend but an equal partner I certainly cannot be. The questions with that are: Am I really going to be able to handle having him in my life under those terms? And also, is that something he can be patient through? I definitely don't own him so he is free to do whatever he thinks is best. I just don't see my life completely without him.

 

Tripper, I love reading what you have to say. You're wise and it makes me realize how much living I have yet to do. I am happy you now lead a balanced life and have found that place of real contentment.

 

Don't doubt yourself any longer, it's best that you have your talk with your bf about what's been bothering you. Currently what's holding you back is your fear that you might not make it without him. You have gotten so attached to your bf, that you've basically made him your full life support. I think that him being as understanding as he is, doesn't want to be the full reason that you're feeling this way, and you shouldn't assume that he wouldn't be patient as to walk down the road of recovery with you. Don't give yourself so much doubt. I understand you can't help it, but should you start feeling scared or upset over things, just create that image in your mind that you're going to get better because you have the full support of your bf to back you up.

[Tripper]

Thank you for the compliments, S. Wisdom comes with experience. And experience comes with making mistakes <grin>. It's what you learn from those mistakes that's important.

 

The questions with that are: Am I really going to be able to handle having him in my life under those terms? And also, is that something he can be patient through? I definitely don't own him so he is free to do whatever he thinks is best. I just don't see my life completely without him.

 

The scariest part of being alone is just that. Being alone. It may not be your comfort zone, but then you really don't grow as a person until you get out of your comfort zone. If your bf genuinely cares for you as a human being, he will be there as friend to offer support when you need it. And as a friend you need to be able to do the same for him. Depression is the same as any other "illness". Would you turn your back on someone if they had a broken arm, if you were a true friend?? Rhetorical question.

If you had a crystal ball and could see into the future it would great, wouldn't it? You could see where you are going, what's going to happen, where you would be. But we don't. Right now you want to know he will be in your life in the future. But here's the thing to remember...

You can't undo the past; it's gone... You can't see into the future; no crystal ball... You are stuck in the present; you live your life one day at a time. Sooooo.... make each day count, make it the best you can possibly make it. Take the time to laugh, cry, sing, dance, think, play... whatever you feel like. Don't waste a day... It will be tough at times as you wrestle with depression, but I promise you it will get better. Go outside and stand in the sun... smell the air... grasp and embrace the day no matter how difficult it may seem...

Worrying what the future will bring, I file that under "future worry". Try not to do it... If you must worry, worry about what you are going to do today to heal, grow and make yourself a better, whole person.

[slphil]

Thanks guys.

I have an update. I got back from my 11 day trip back home to stay with my parents for a bit. It was supposed to be a time of NC between my boyfriend and me but of course I broke that pretty much day one. I worried and obsessed over him just as much as ever. I sent text messages and called till he would answer sometimes...when I was having a major freak out. Just typing that makes me realize how awful it really is. Its hard to see what you are doing when you are messed up and in the moment. Anyway, he is still talking to me even though he has every right not to be. I think I tried to push him to the limit just to see how far I could push him till he broke...just for some attention and validation, I think. I got so over involved with him that it just made me more depressed and when I didn't get the attention I felt I deserved, I did something else negative to get the attention. And so goes the cycle.

 

I started on Wellbutrin at home and am now on day 11. The first week was extremely difficult, especially in the mornings. The last two days I have finally had a clear enough head to get a more objective look at the situation. I still had some moments of obsessing about him today but I was more able to shift my attention back to something else. I can't tell you the last time I was able to not think about my depression, him or our relationship until the past 48 hours.

 

Anyway, we are broken up and he is totally moved out. I spent the last two days furnishing MY apartment with the things I wanted. He never cared about not having furniture cause we were poor and it wasnt really that big of a deal to him. It always bothered me though so I financed and got some nice stuff! I am really trying to focus on myself and get my life back to being about me first...because if I can't do that, I am no good to anyone else. He said he loved me the last night before he left gave me a giant hug. We are going to hang out as friends probably a couple times a week, doing fun things we both can enjoy. and doing just that... *gasp* actually having fun again. No sex or staying over at eachothers houses. I guess we will see what happens from here...we both care about eachother deeply. And either way, it is better to have kept a friend than made an enemy right?

 

I did a fantastic job of losing my identity the past few months and it's time to get it back. I have spent a good amount of time of, in some ways, blaming him for not giving me enough attention or not being romantic..whatever it is I thought I needed from someone else to make me happy. But I can more easily see now that standing by me the way he has and still wanting to spend time with me after all this... things like that are how he shows he cares. I have to approve of myself ...aren't I the only one who can take away my self worth? Depression is a tricky thing but I hope I am on the right road back to being ME.

 

You guys are awesome. I really get into writing a novel for some reason. I am such a talker about this stuff lately...its really the only thing I feel I know anything about at this moment. Someone assured me I will get tired of talking about it one day.

[Trimmer]

You guys are awesome. I really get into writing a novel for some reason. I am such a talker about this stuff lately...its really the only thing I feel I know anything about at this moment. Someone assured me I will get tired of talking about it one day.

 

slphil - being able to talk about it isn't really a problem. I think a lot of people tend to have the other problem - they bury it down and suppress it to the point that it eventually boils over in some unfortunate way.

 

Do you feel comfortable enough with your therapist (I know it sounds pretty new...) to be able to be as honest and open with him/her as you are being here? If you can, it will be a big help to you as you explore these things and get yourself figured out.

 

It will be a great gift to yourself - both as an individual, and in the context of a future relationship - to "find yourself", to find your identity, to know yourself, and to become comfortable and confident with yourself as a whole individual. This is an important and sturdy foundation upon which to build a relationship with someone else.

[slphil]

Anybody still out there? My ex (weird) and I have talked a few times in the last few days. He wants to know how I'm doing and we talk about our day. Then of course I tend to bring up the inevetible ... that I don't want to be without him and I wish it didn't have to be this way. I did okay last night with it being my first night alone in my apartment without him. This morning was harder. Anyway, he asked if I wanted to go to a movie this week? I really would like to go, but will seeing him be too much?

 

We are officially broken up. He says he wants me to be okay without him and that he needs more time alone too, but that I'm the only girl he wants to date. Things were really stressful the past couple months and we both did things to make it worse. We moved things along REALLY fast and I developed a major dependency issue. We are on good terms...things just need to calm down a lot.

 

If we both arent interested in dating other people and still want to continue a friendship, can it happen? Anyone out there break up with a partner because of issues like these and continued to see each other sometimes as friends and talked on the phone? I want to be strong enough to handle this because I don't want him out of my life.