Addictive Relationships & The Realisation that they just werent right for you.

[GlamourBabe]

Hi Ladies & Gentlemen

 

Well I am approaching Day 13 NC. I have been doing a lot of self work in the mean time. They say "time is a great healer." But I would like to say that should be changed to " what you do with your time, is what will enable healing"

If you look through some of my early posts you will get to see my story. Me and my Ex have been broken up 4 months and I have only just gone true NC.

 

The last 4 months have been the hardest I have ever gone through. I have gone through child abuse, rape e.t.c but these last 4 months have really tested my inner strength. I felt that this man was really eating away at my inner core and one day I just couldnt take no more. I was physically and emotionally drained. Have you ever felt like you have given and given and given and there is nothing more to give but its still not enough? But the person your giving too is still not happy and is still taking from you? This is how it got with my ex. Our relationship was not equal. More like 80/20 . The larger portion being what I gave to him..

 

I have been reading a lot lately. I have been working on re-establishing my self respect. As a lot of my self worth has been completely trampled on to the point I thought I was garbage and hated myself. However, one day I woke up and I said to myself isnt the person who truly loves us meant to bring out the best in us. Even if they couldnt be with us, arent they meant to care about our wellbeing?

 

I am reading a book on " How to Break Your Addiction to a person " and I just thought I would share with you some of the things I have read. There are several signs of addiction that you can look for in yourself.

 

1) Even though your objective judgement ( and perhaps the judgement of others) tells you that the relationship is bad for you and you cannot expect any improvement, you take no effective steps to break with it.

 

2) You give yourself reasons for staying in it that do not hold water or that are not really strong enough to balance the negatives in the relationship.

 

3) When you think about ending the relationship, you feel dread, even terror, and you cling to it even harder.

 

4) When you take the steps to end it, you suffer acute withdrawal symptoms, including physical distress, that can only be relieved by restablishing contact...

I think we can all identify with this one

 

5) When the relationshipis really over - or you fantasize that it has ended, you feel the lostness, aloneness and the emptiness of a person eternally exiled - often follwed or even accompanied by a feeling of liberation..

 

If most of these sgns are there, you can be quite certain that you are in or was in a relationship where the addictive elements have become so large and so controlling that they destroy your capacity to direct your own life.

 

There is probably an addictive element in every love relationship, and that, in itself need not be bad. It can, in fact, add strength and delight to the relationship. After all, who is so complete, so self-contained, so "healthy" and " mature" that he doesnt need to feel good about himself through a close tie with anopther person? In fact, one sign of a good relationship is that it puts us in touch with the best in ourselves..

 

I identify with this in the sense that my ex did not bring out the best in me. I was frequently drained, tired and felt depleted in our relationship. Maybe it was the constant giving all the time! I read a lot of threads about people who are hanging on to their ex's even though they are romantically involved with someone else and I really think that would have happened to me if I didnt believe in myself to just go NC and deal with the pain..

 

So like the title of this thread...

 

Was you in an addictive relationship?

 

When did you realise your ex wasnt right for you?

&

Why werent they right for you?

What do you look for in a new partner

[BalancenLuv20]

Hi Ladies & Gentlemen

 

Well I am approaching Day 13 NC. I have been doing a lot of self work in the mean time. They say "time is a great healer." But I would like to say that should be changed to " what you do with your time, is what will enable healing"

 

This is absolutely, 100% true I was waiting for someone on here to say that props! Was I in an addictive relationship? It eventually became one. When did I realize the ex wasnt right for me? This sounds really messed up but the first day I knew it wasn't meant to be deep down, but I tried to hide from that fact because she was so immaculate in so many ways and I loved the attention and having her at my side. Why wasn't she right? Too young, too immature, found we had very different tastes, the only things we had in common were really the core values about life we shared. What do I look for in a partner? Loyalty, someone willing to adapt and compromise to make things work, intellectual, athletic, deep and meaningful personality. Nice post GlamourBabe

[mistie03]

The relationship that I had with my ex just ended a few months ago. He was a very self-absorbed, emotionally distant guy that demanded certain things from me, but gave little in return. He came over when it was convenient, expecting me to drop whatever I was doing (usually my work because I work at home) and if I couldn't he'd get mad and walk out. He sometimes disappeared for no apparent reason. He always called afterwards like nothing ever happened. There were times that I would get so upset about him taking off, that I couldn't eat. There was rarely a compliment, but plenty of derogratory remarks that he made seem like were just a joke. He basically treated me like a doormat that was to be around when he didn't have anything else to do.

 

When Christmas came and went without a phone call, I knew it was time to wake up. I was wasting my time. I knew things weren't going to get better. When I told him how much it upset me that he disappeared for a week at Christmas and didn't call on Christmas Day, he turned very cold and callous. He basically told me that we didn't have plans and why should he call? I got so upset that I told him I had to go and ended the call. That was pretty much the end of our relationship. It has been 6 weeks of NC. I'm gonna be Ok. I still miss him sometimes, but I have no idea why. He was a horrible boyfriend the last few years.

 

He still has one of my garages full of his stuff. I haven't contacted him about it yet because I still need some time before I talk to him again. I thought I passed by his silver Mercedez a few weeks ago. My heart skipped a beat. That let me know that I am still not ready to see or talk to him. He doesn't call me anymore, so I guess he can worry about all of his stuff.

[Issues & tissues]

I was in an addictive relationship for a very long time. No matter how nasty or abusive my ex would be towards me, I continued to live in total denial and the fear of losing him was often so overwhelming that I did everything I could within my power to appease him even to the point of putting myself at risk. My friends and family didn't like him and I often found myself making excuses for him. Everyone thought we were a bad match, except for me which just made me want to work harder at proving everybody wrong.

 

I only realized how addictive and unhealthy this relationship was when he broke up with me and moved out of our apartment earlier this year and although I felt deeply hurt, sad and lonely at first, I now feel completely liberated. What he doesn't know is that him leaving me was the one kind thing he ever did for me.

Edited March 1, 2008 by Issues & tissues

[Issues & tissues]

Hi Ladies & Gentlemen

 

I was frequently drained, tired and felt depleted in our relationship. Maybe it was the constant giving all the time!

 

I certainly can identify with this. When I was with my ex I was constantly tired and slept very badly (tossing and turning most nights). I often suffered from insomnia. Since we have been apart I have been sleeping like a log - sometimes up to 10 or 12 hours straight. I have never felt better.

Edited March 1, 2008 by Issues & tissues

[Geishawhelk]

He still has one of my garages full of his stuff. I haven't contacted him about it yet because I still need some time before I talk to him again. ..... He doesn't call me anymore, so I guess he can worry about all of his stuff.

 

If it begins to be there for too long, then I would get a mutual friend to give him a letter, stating that his stuff is still in your garage, but you are only pepared to keep it for a further month from the date of the letter. if he doesn't collect it, you will dispose of it.

Keep a copy of the letter, and make sure you keep it businesslike and un-emotive. Be polite, and simply stick to the facts.

And add somewhere, that if you do not receive a reply within, say 10 days (definitely less than the month he has until the get-rid-of deadline) you will assume he has no further need for the stuff.

If he tries to exceed the deadline, tell, him the stuff has already been there for however-long, and a month is rerasonable.

That's it.

 

keep it all above board, and keep a record of everything you do.

Remember, this is business. He's encroaching on your space, and you'd like it back. otherwise, it's just another indication of how convenient you were to him.

Steer away from the emotional comment, and it will do the trick.

 

And by the way... when the month is up, and the stuff is still there?

 

Get rid of it.

 

I watch Judge Judy, you know....!!

[GlamourBabe]

Oh my god judge judy is the best. lol. x

[xpaperxcutx]

Relationships are suppose to fulfill us, but when the only things that happen are more takes than gives, thats when you know you got to get out. But its that obsession with being fulfilled that's more addicting than anything else. My ex was my first bf, but he took more from me than I could give. I was under so much re pressuto please him, I gave up my dignity and self respect. He made me more depressed than happy. But I didnt get out as quickly as I should've was because he constantly played the role of the needy bf, that I was his everything and that he loved me. That if I left him he wouldn't know how to live on with his life.

 

Now that I've moved on, I feel absolutely no sympathy towards him. He could die for all I care, and I wouldn't even cry a tear for him. That's how I feel.

[Issues & tissues]

Now that I've moved on, I feel absolutely no sympathy towards him. He could die for all I care, and I wouldn't even cry a tear for him. That's how I feel.

 

I can totally relate to this. I am starting to feel this way too and I have never felt better. Not sure if this is healthy in the longrun but it is certainly helping me on my way to recovery in the meantime. Oh and did I happen to mention how good it feels!