Prosecco Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Having VERY recently been dumped 'for good', and it coming completely out of the blue for both myself and mutual friends... I still have a lot of questions - in that I don't understand his reason for the break up - and why it went straight from something non-stress and comfy to absolutely nothing. At least, not entirely. Anyway - do people recommend a meeting to ask those questions calmly, before beginning the period of NC? I'll go into more detail later, as I suspect it was the right decision for the wrong reasons, and will take any thoughts and sympathy I can get. But for now - what approach do people generally think is best? Straight NC after the breakup, or trying to get understanding, then NC?
sedona Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I know that going straight into NC without one last conversation would drive me batty. I spend the first weeks just thinking about what I wanted to ask or say. For me, it's much better to have gotten everything aired - even though our perceptions of what was said probably differ. Of course, it all depends on how bitter the break-up was and on what the two of you are like. Plus in the long run, the results are pretty much the same, I suppose. The relationship is over, and at some point in the future , you'll be over it. Still, if there's something that you just HAVE to know or say, then why not? As long as you know what you're really hoping to accomplish...
chenazah Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 IMO i would try to have a face-to-face chat about it, get more of an understanding of what the problems were/are, that way you can voice your questions rather than just thinking about them....otherwise you will never quite know, which would then make it harder to go NC and drive you mad. If you go down this route then be prepared to hear things that you may not want to! Best of luck
dfreeman Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Hello Prosecco ~ very sorry about your break up! I think this is one of those things that is different for everybody, but in my case, I wouldn't have even wanted to start NC until I had a couple of answers to build on. My ex was very cold, but very final when we spoke so I got little satisfaction from the things she had to say (I was also very decent in not responding in war-like fashion). I think the key for me was that I went into those last discussions looking for confirmation of the breakup (actually seeking closure for myself) - I was NOT looking for little clues that I could crack to fix the whole thing. Closure helped me realize (or, at least begin to realize) that she and I didn't really belong together. She saw the break up the same way she saw the whole relationship and I knew before the break up that we would never make it together seeing the world so differently. My advice, for the little that an outsider's advice can be worth right now is this... If you are going to ask him to talk with you about the break up, be prepared to listen way more than you talk (you are likely to only get one or maybe two chances at this, don't spend it arguing). Also, be prepared and brace yourself for pain - if he starts to see devastation, he may stop sharing. If you feel that you have the answers you need to move on, the end of that meeting might be a good time and place to request that the two of you have no contact for a few months???
Author Prosecco Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Mmm - I guess I am just trying to work out if I truly want answers so I can move on, or whether I'm kidding myself that's the case, and want answers so I can persuade him his behviour was too drastic. Still - I guess I'll wait and see if he even contacts me about meeting up. I'm going to leave him a message saying when would be best to contact me - then it's in his hands. He wants to give me my birthday present - he broke up with me exactly a week before my brithday. It's weird - I'm still in shock, as if it's not happening. I just can't quite believe it has.
s_n_d Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 It depends. If you feel like you need closure, then I think you should have a talk with your ex before starting NC. For me personally, I wish I did NC earlier. I started three agonizing months after the breakup and NC has been the best thing for me. As of tomorrow, Itll be a month NC. I never thought I could do it but Ive done it and as a result, Im starting to think of him less, dream of him less etc. I feel great. My advice...Start NC ASAP. Good luck!! Stay strong and keep smiling.
prideandcourage Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I think a lot of people would agree that closure is really important. I certainly made sure I got all the answers I wanted, and my breakup sounded a lot like yours. The kind of breakup that goes from everything to nothing instantly. Be careful though, you may get more than you bargained for (which was the case for me). The truth is sometimes something you don't expect and may be even more harmful. For me, that wasn't a problem, I wanted to know anyway, but you may be in a different situation. Often the relationship wasn't perceived by the other person in the same way, regardless of what you were thinking. Just be certain to do it in a mature way, so that they feel like they can be open with you. If you point fingers then they will likely get defensive and close up. Not that I'm an expert since I've only had one relationship which just ended, but I think getting your answers then going NC is probably the best idea. It might be a good idea to let your ex know you're going to sever contact for a while, so they don't try and keep in touch. You don't want to be struggling with NC when you're faced with them unexpectedly. If they are a reasonable person then they'll give you your space. If not then they weren't worth being with anyway. Give yourself some time to digest reality away from them and move on. It's what I'm doing, and although rocky seems to be working. I wish you the best of luck recovering. It sucks but things are certainly better in the end.
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