When do you feel 'married'

[overanalytical]

I don't know how else to say it...i do feel married (got married a month ago) and love the feeling of complete commitment but i still go back and question things and i know i shouldn't. i've done this throughout my relationship with my husband...always jealous of other women. he's never strayed but i'm just jealuos and don't want him to think other women are pretty (which i know is never going to happen! lol)

 

so on that note, i have his email password...he's currently looking for a new job and i've been helping apply at places. he sent his resume out to a nice/good paying job so i checked yesterday to see if he got a response yet (he was at work and couldn't) and when i got on i see an email from his ex gf from prob 5 years ago...they have kept in touch, she's nice to me, kinda pretty, but a huge flirt. so she sent him an email of her picture in the paper and made a comment to the extent of look, she's old she's in the newspaper teaching a student...whatever...so i look and he has replied to her instantly...all he wrote was 'looks good to me!! HA' and that's it...now the insecure person comes out of me nad wonders why he put that...if he meant it looks good to be geting old, she looks good or what...i know, i know, stupid. anyways so i come to work this morning and check his email to see if anyone sent him jobs last night...well he has since deleted his response to her. is he hiding it?? am i overreacting?

 

she has a bf, she's never wrote him anything bad on email or from waht i know they talk when i'm around...but it's just kinda getting to me. and probably because i read the email...and then he deleted his response...it wasn't like he was cleaning up his outbox, he only deleted that one. did he do it so i didn't see it and think something?? he didn't delete her email...

 

ugh...i'm a worry wart, i know...any advice/opinions/ideas????? thx

[Tripper]

Whoa!! Slow down..

I don't think you are a worry wart. I think you are insecure and wonder if you have some self esteem and jealousy issues.

I see nothing in his reply to his ex to get in a flap about. The bottom line is he married you; chose you for his life's partner.

If you continue to obsess about his looking/speaking/meeting other women, which he will do through the course of work/life interactions, you will a) eventually p1ss him off and b) make yourself miserable. Is this how you want to live your life??

You need to do some work on yourself. You may need to find a therapist to help guide you or recommend some self-help reading material.

Personal growth is never easy, but oh so necessary for a balanced, healthy life.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but now that your married, it's time to take stock and figure out how you are going to build a life together.

[overanalytical]

thanks tripper, i needed that!! i go through these jealousy phases with him...i don't know why if its my insecurity or what. i'm going to look into some books to help me. can't afford a therapist right now. i guess i need to repeat...he chose me to be his life partner. and i need to work on me.

[Tomcat33]

Your title is a little misleading....wasn't sure what you meant by that...

 

What does feeling married mean to you?

 

 

I think firstly, as Trimmer said, you need to slow right down. Your man is with you his ex wrote him and email and he curtly responded "looks good to me" it's a polite way of saying, nothing at all really. I think you should look at the positive rather than look at the negative. If he were flirting with her he would have put a bit more effort into the response. And it seems like it was a message enough to be polite but small enough to say "I am not that interested in opening the channels of communication with you"

He deleted it because he knows you are checking his emials and he knows by now he knows you will overreact and he does not want to fight over something as silly as that.

 

I think in these situations the BEST way to deal with it is to get it right out in the open, calmly ask him any questions or concerns you might have re. their corresponding with one another and get it out in the open. It is quite liberating to face your fear dead in its tracks and talk it through.

 

 

I would recommend you work on your selfesteem the thing about having such low selfesteem and having such unrealistic expectations of your H is that in time this will eat away at the trust you have together. when he sees that these little things make you so jealous and threatened he will start to hide more little things from you and then where does that leave honesty? If he is honest with you, you don't want to hear it if it means he is telling you "I find Jessica Alba hot, or my ex wrote me a silly letter to aske me if she looked old" so where does that leave him in terms of what he can and cannot discuss with you?

[Tripper]

...he chose me to be his life partner

 

Start your journey of healing, awareness and growth by making this your mantra....

[shoegal5683]

Hi Overanalytical,

 

I used to be the same way with the guys I dated. Sometimes I would even make these little tests so that the guy could prove to me that he loved me.

 

I have since met a wonderful man and even though I have gotten much better about my jealousy, I still occassionaly have jealous episodes. The difference now is that I can talk to my bf about these "fits". I tell him how I am feeling, what made me jealous and then we talk about it. We usually both feel a lot better after these talks.

 

I really advise talking to your husband. Sometimes these little misunderstanding can get way out of control. If you continue to not talk to him about it, you will just spin terrible scenarios in your head. Maybe he is cheating, maybe he always loved his ex and you were second best. These ideas are silly. He married you! It is best to clear the air. Also, there is a possiblitly you are treating him differently now that you are suspicious. He probably has no idea what he did. Talk to him. Tell him what you found, how you saw he deleted it and how that made you feel.

 

Best of luck! Keep us updated on how things go.

[Enema]

any advice/opinions/ideas????? thx

 

You know what you're doing is stupid, you said it numerous times in the post.

 

Just stop. Make him change the password and stop "helping" him.

 

Having access to his mail to help him look for jobs and accidentally seeing an email to him is one thing.

 

Logging on and checking the Sent Items because you're insecure and jealous is another and is a breach of his privacy.

 

His comment was to tell her she looks good. Just as you're supposed to when a friend sends you a picture of themselves in the paper.

[carhill]

Concur regarding suggesting hubby change his passwords and keep them to himself.

 

IMO, time to nip this in the bud and get some MC, if nothing to better improve communication. Hubby can learn techniques to facilitate your growth and self-esteem.