Marriage Breakdown

[Mrunhappy]

I am currently going through hell. I have been with my wife for almost 7 years,married for just over one.I moved 60 miles to live in my wifes area and ive never really settled in. Ive always had friends at work and i dont have a problem mixing,but the town we live in is a very small town where outsiders find it difficult to 'fit in' and employment has to found outside the area.Which means i havent got any real friends in this area and i have never settled in a job hence not keeping in touch with any friends from there. We have two young children and my wife had post-natal depression after second child which caused our first crisis. Which led to my wife cancelling our then booked wedding and saying 'she didnt love me anymore'

She was finally diagnosed and medicated/counselled and things improved and the wedding was booked[she loved me again!]

 

Now its happened again,it started with her feeling[and looking],very depressed. Then she decided it was my fault and she didnt feel anything for me anymore. Strangley i noticed the pattern this time but now four weeks or so on,she seems to be coping and is still out of love with me. Her wedding&engagement ring is off and it seems to be possibly over.

She says its stewed over the years with my attidude and negativity.

 

I must say i have to agree. Ive always suffered from low self esteem from being young. As i got older i suppose i did gain some in certain aspects.

But i would never tell anyone about it and found ways of dealing with it. Now i realise that ive been an idiot. In fact ive found it hard to compliment others,everymans a threat or competition,i struggle to trust people, for example male friends of my wife, ive had an agressive attitude towards almost evrything. I suppose ive hidden my low self esteem by trying to impose a macho,tough image to others. But inside im just scared really,afraid of failure and challenges.

My wife has now relluctantly agreed to Marriage counseling but im afraid it may be too late for a turn around.

This is my biggest fear in all honesty,at the moment i kind of accept it but once im back at my parents house 60 miles away from my kids[and wife], im afraid of how i might feel.

 

I dont expect it to be easy,but i want to start to deal with issues no matter what the outcome. I want to feel valued,be successfull,positive and feel alive. I will be seeing the counseler alone if my wife decides agaisnt it for herself.

 

I want to be able to turn to my wife in later life and tell her,in a non spitefull manner that our split,apart the from the kids was a good thing in the long run. I dont want this to affect me in a negative way for my future.

 

I will always be there for my kids no matter what,just as i always have been. A split seems like the end of the world at the minute but people go through this type of stuff all the time. Lifes a roller coaster,lots of ups and downs.

 

I want to get help and get involved in something that is confidence building.

 

Yesterday my wife said i could stay for the kids. She isnt a bad person, i know she doesnt want to hurt me. But im also not a foolish man. If i stay around a woman who i love so deeply and she doesnt feel the same it would drive me insane.Everytime she left the house i would wonder where she was going. Evertime she went out on the town,i would wonder who she might meet.

But im really struggling to leave the kids.Everymorning my little 3 year old girl climbs into bed with me and cuddles up to me. I keep breaking down in tears when im with them. They are mine,they came from my body just as they came from my wifes. I have bonded so closley with them and i spend more time with them than my wife do. It hurts so bad to have all that taken away from me.

 

Any advice will be welcomed in these hard times

 

And thank you for listening.

[Nomad1]

It seems like your wife is unhappy with her life at the moment. Removing the wedding ring implies that she does not feel the reponsibilities a wife has to her husband. Things like this always happen for a reason, usually an outside influence. It could be that someone has shown interest in her and she is planning to take it further, if she has not already done so. When they say I love you but I am not in love with you, it almost always means that someone else is on the scene. Whatever you do, don't beg or plead. Go to your parents or rent a place and maintain contact with your children. Whatever you do, if she is determined to test how green the grass is on the other site, nothing you can do will stop her. Life is not easy for a single woman with children. Let her get on with it and go and look after yourself. See every threat as an opportunity. eg. you will probably lose weight as a result of the endless worry, an opportunity to buy a new wardrobe. Go to the gym and work out. Start going out with other women for meals etc. Make new friends.

 

I was hit with the same BS. I was married for 17yrs. I have 3 children. I started the divorce a couple of months ago and the house is on the market. We are still living under the same roof. I bought a new wardrobe. I have dated 4 different women in the past two months, whom I am in regular contact with. No sex, going out for meals, cinema etc. I am taking my time. I have a great job at a University but I am aiming to double my salary in the next two years. I have nearly completed my PhD thesis. My STBXW gets really annoyed when I go out and tries to use the kids by telling me it is not nice when I go out too frequently. She always asks if I had sex with anyone yet. I just say that I am not prepared to talk about that.

 

I am really looking forward to a single life. I know that I will be much happier than I have been with her sorry ass.

 

You take care.

 

Nomad1

[Mrunhappy]

Cheers for the reply and support mate. I try to be postive and i think if it wasnt for the distance from the kids it could help alot.Knowing that i could see them whenever i wanted as i know she wouldnt stop that.

 

Youve got me thinking on the 'outside influence' comment. She has sworn blind that there is noone else. But like you said,it may have just been some attention or a fling that wont continue that has made her realise she doesnt want to be with me forever.

 

We havent had sex for months,i felt she was hiding her phone a bit but she showed me her all the texts and there was nothing there.Shes defiantely been hiding something,even if its just guilt for feeling for someoneesle or the way she does about me.

 

I keep telling myself,im only 26. And ive got mates back in Machester where i'll be living again.

 

If/when i do end up back there. It'll be to the gym,maybe even back to boxing although a flattened nose isnt a good step for a Bachelor!

 

It hurts like hell and the highs will be met with lows but i have to get through.

 

My main worry is being away from the kids and the possible future of another man being around them. That makes me angry. Again the distance adds to this,as id see them everyday and still be the main male influence in their lives. Im afraid they'll start to look up to another man,as my daughter is only 3,and the little lad is 5.

[THEBIGARC]

You are not alone my friend. I too am going through all of these thoughts. I have a 4 y/o son and it makes me so angry thinking of him having a step dad to be there when I am not able. I guess it would be worse for the kids to grow up with their parents so unhappy all the time. My parents were divorced when I was 18. I had to go through so much with them until it was finally over. It was kind of a relief when my mom left my dad. You and I are just thinking of the pain we will feel being away from our kids. I believe it will make us have a better relationship with them. We will value our time with them more. I have already started that with my son. Everyday, I talk to him and tell him how much I love him. I didn't do that as much before.

Well, good luck and be strong. Just take solice in the fact that there are many men right this minute going through the same thing as you. We can make it though this most difficult time!

[Mrunhappy]

I dont mean to sound cruel when i post this. But the fact there are many men going through the same thing,just knowing this can be my only comfort.

 

I seem to be accepting everything but the distance thing. I feel helpless when i think that im not 'a stones throw away' from my kids. Its only an hour drive but it will still feel like we are living in different worlds.

 

Theres all sorts of thoughts entering my head.

 

- Will my kids reject me

- Will they think i have rejected them

- Will i lose my bond from them

- Will they even miss me

 

I have to stay positive,and strong. Its really hard as im sure many of you on here already know.

[Nomad1]

I think that it is normal to feel anxious about another man filling your shoes. It puts in question your manhood and fatherhood at the same time. But if you are really a good dad, you will not allow all the crap to affect that. Understand that the likelihood of these relationships with other men are transient, so it may not be the same man in a year or two, but there sure will be another man. This is why it is imperative to distance yourself from this woman and to aim to feel nothing for her. It is the feeling of so called love that snares and enslaves you. You are a free human being. A complete human who does not need another person to make them whole, certainly not such excuse of a woman. Be glad she is out of your life. I guarrantee you that you will be a much happier man the minute you get her out of your life and out of your mind.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[THEBIGARC]

I get those thoughts in my head too, but I know I won't let it happen. My son will feel my love every minute I am with him and when I call him on the phone. I have other fears. I fear losing my in-laws if you can believe that. I love my father-in-law so much. He is like my dad. I know he will always care for me, but I fear we will lose what we have as a son and father bond. And the rest of her family too. this other guy gets to take my place at the dinner table for Christmas, Thanks Giving, etc. That eats at me big time. I guess I am just being selfish though!

 

Just cherish every minute you have with them right now. Make that bond with them stronger than ever. It will last if you keep feeding it.

[guessjeans]

I have been post 4 yrs since me and my ex common law husband of 26 yrs split, and at the time, our son was 16 yrs old.

 

When we talk about it now, 4 yrs later, he does feel a certain amount of resentment towards the ending of his parents being together because he was robbed of a lot of things especially financially, because of going from one large income collectively, to a much smaller one on my own.

 

I felt incredible guilt for leaving my ex and encouraged my son to make sure he spent a lot of time with his father. I would have his father over to our house quite often, invited him over christmas eve to stay the night with us, or come over christmas morning with us. I invited him to family functions with me and our son, had him over for dinner quite often...the thing us, I still felt we were a family, but just living apart. I just felt me and his father needed time apart. I still love my ex very much and hoped that one day we could start a new life together.

 

Now that my ex has a girlfriend, abviously things between him and I have changed. We never see each other anymore, we never talk anymore, and he calls for his son every 7 to 10 days or so. Our son goes over to his house usually once a week for dinner, and then he doesnt usually hear from him again until the same time the next week.

 

I have just started to date and this is my ex's first relationship since we split 4 yrs ago. So it takes getting use to, since i was only 16 yrs old when I met him, and I am now 47 yrs old.

 

The thing is, things look different with time and space. I understand things much more clearly now than i did 4 yrs ago. Although my son, i believe, is healthly emotionally, we kid ourselves if we dont think all of this doesnt effect them. Just remain a huge part of their life. If you are lucky enough to have a spouse that wants to still have a strong connect with you, capitalize on that if you feel it is emotionally healthy for you.

 

My problem is i fell back in love with my ex, but he isnt in love with me anymore. So if you are able to keep your feelings at a distance, remain good friends with your spouse, the children will benefit from this. Even if the other is seeing someone else, and if it is possible, do things as a family still. When i stopped talking to my ex in the beginning of his new relationship with this woman, it upset our son. He didnt like that his parents were mad at each other, or dont want to see the other, or talk to each other. I had to put my feelings aside for what was best for our son.

 

Things will get better, but just remember, this isnt about you or the other spouse, its about co-existing for your children. Your childrens minds are like sponges, soaking up everything you say and do. We dont want our children to be saddled with a lot of emotionally baggage because we just cant live together anymore. Co-exist. Do everything in your power to think in terms of remaining like a family, but just at a distance. Your children will thank you for it.

[Mrunhappy]

Just like to thank eveyone for their support up to now before i go on. It has helped me,really!

 

Im not sure if my wife is having a bit of a crisis. Ive noticed some out o f charachter behaviour in the last couple of months. Just yesterday,she rang me whilst i was picking up our son from school. Her Mother works at the school so i was stood talking to her when i answered the phone. When i told her i was talking to her mum,she blurted out 'I suppose your both slagging me off!'

I found it a bit shocking,as why would her own mother want to slag off her daughter[especially in times like this!] and why would i for that matter want to slag her off. And if i did[which i wouldnt for the record],i wouldnt be stupid enough to go to her family to do it!

 

She has suffered from depression in the past. Its as if she thinks people are plotting against her at times. I was talking to my sister on the phone yesterday about the house,finances etc. and i she stormed in with the same kind of response.

My sister has had depression and also works in Nursing so has more an understanding of the illness. I explained to her about my wifes behaviour and she said its possible she could be Bi-polar and that its easily treatable.

 

I explained to my wife that she may be ill but again she thinks im trying to blame our problems on 'her depression'. I explained that i was genually worried and id like to help her. I explained that this wasnt my last attempt at saving our marriage and i would respect her decision,but id still like to know shes alright. I explained that,it may just be the upset that is causing this,and if so then thats fine. But i have noticed her behaviour and it just isnt her.Surely its better to be 'safe than sorry'

I thought she was seeing someone else when she had post-natal because she was avoiding our home,staying at work late etc. And the same pattern started again just before our split.

 

She said about a month ago that she thought about suicide but wouldnt do it. Before bed last night,she said if she was diagnosed then she may lose the kids. I told her i would never let her lose her kids which i wouldnt. To me,that comment was almost self-admittance that she wasnt her usual self.

 

This is just added an even bigger twist to our problems. Ive even more to worry about now. She had an appointment with her mental health specialist and didnt attend due to 'work'.Its been re-booked for mid March but she said she would only attend if she could get out of work.It all seems like denial to me. Whats more important,her health or her job.

Personally,i think shes hiding all her problems by keeping busy at work,and using it as an escape.

 

Unfortunatley,her Mother doesnt help. Ive tried to speak to her regarding the possible depression,but she seems to hold the old stigma that tends to go with it and sees it as the plague or some kind of weakness. Shes even said to my wife' You havent got depression'

Unfortunately,my wife has always took too much notice of her parents 'right or wrong'. What she doesnt realise,im the one who has been living with her for the last 7 years. In a way i know her as an adult more than her parents do.

 

How can you help someone that wont help herself.