beau_cauchemar Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) Weird thing happened the other day. My ex (broken up in Jul 07) broke nearly 4 months NC to apologize for having recently missed wishing my happy b-day and to see how things were doing. She has been dating a new guy since Oct 07 whom she now lives with. I let it ring calling her back 30mins later and had a friendly, articulated conversation about my recent art-related activities and other stuff. I kept it somewhat brief and had to do so anyway since I explained that I was running late for a hangout session. Chances are it was just a "still on a string?" issue. But why would a dumper care with a new live-in boyfriend? Sure we dated for nearly 4 years and she rebounded with a total-opposite, but why after all this time of total NC would she feel the need to give me a ring? Or really the question is if I should have talked to her at all. Is there the potential of having given her the *slight* (since I certainly gave her the impression of having moved on through my impartial friendliness, very positive convo, and my total 6-month NC) inkling that she still has me "on a string" simply by returning her call? Perhaps talking with her just quenched her desire for a quick-fix (due to our strong/long history) but I'm not convinced that it is something as simple/easy as that. I'm trying not to over-analyze this but I just found it really unexpected and unusual... -Me Edited February 28, 2008 by beau_cauchemar
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I dont think you should over-analyze this... Did you end on good terms with the hope of being friends in the long run? If so, what is the problem? If she called you, shes the weakest link. Not that NC is a power struggle, but it could seem that way sometimes. I think she just misses you and wanted to hear your voice again. Nothing wrong with that. And it will only be a "see if hes on a string" if you start calling and emailing her again. Just go NC again until she calls or until you feel comfortable enough to call her without even thinking if youre giving her that power...Because if you actually get there, you wont be thinking it and it will be all good! Just live your life, shes got hers, if she wants you back....do you really want her? Nothing is the same, nothing will ever be, its sad but true.....
Author beau_cauchemar Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) First of all, thanks for the advice. Our breakup was a bit emotional (my feelings being obvious and hers being repressed) and we nearly got back together at first. She had met the new guy at that point though so her new-found curiosity took over and left me with hardly any hope for reconcile and/or friendship. After moving out I went total NC and have not contacted once without her calling first (she called during NC once before months ago.) Like you said, this time was most likely a "wanted to hear my voice again" since we also had been best friends during our 3 1/2 years together. We lived together as well and that certainly lent a certain closeness that has been lost. Now that she's had time living with the new guy, I'm sure things have come into a new light for her (and it could be good or bad, who knows...) The only relationship comment mentioned during the call was her explaining that the hesitation to call was because "she didn't want to cause me any more pain." My response to that was so nonchalant and brief that I don't think it gave her much insight into how I currently felt at all. Hopefully (by the end of our convo) she could hear how much better/happier I have gotten overall and as a result that she doesn't feel as though I'm still waiting around for her. It was nice to hear that in your opinion I won't run the risk of being thought of as on-the-string provided I resume my NC (which I strictly will.) I'm just going to go about my busy, interesting life. However, how should I go about any future calls from her? Any advice for a possible ongoing on-off communication? I would hate to become "just friends" as much as I would ruining any possible future chances. Because you never know... Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to read this and any responses that may follow. -Me Edited February 29, 2008 by beau_cauchemar
prisonbreak Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I can try to give you some advice on what I would do, actually this is what I did with my situation. If she does contact you again in the future, I would politely say, "I enjoy hearing your voice and I'm glad you're doing well, but I'd appreciate it if you would not contact me unless you'd like me in your life" (or unless you can tell me the words I long to hear) or what ever it is you want from her. NC is for you to move on with your life and gather your strength, hopefully she'll respect that. But it also leaves the door open to future possiblities if she starts having regrets. Who knows, by that time, you may not even want her back. I don't know your full story, but it's just my 2 cents. Just be honest and clear about your boundaries. I know you might be thinking, this shows her you're still waiting around for her and you want to prove to her that your moving on with your life. So, you could modify this and just tell her you're not looking for friendship with her, but if she ever considers something more, then maybe the timing might be right down the road for you as well.
Author beau_cauchemar Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 P.S. Anguished, I have read many of your posts and am sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully things are going better for you as well.
Author beau_cauchemar Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) Prisonbreak (and others), Good advice on how to handle future messages. How did it work out in your situation? Sure, explaining the "unless you want me back in your life" would run the risk of showing any ongoing feelings for her, however, it could also show a stand of independence and my willingness to move on. But I suppose it's all how she perceives it. Perhaps this would be a better response in my case: "You know, I enjoy talking with you and am glad that you're doing well, however, I'm just not sure what to think in terms of why you still feel like giving me a call. Considering our history and how things ended, I'll be honest that it feels weird to spontaneously communicate like this. I just don't want to feel like you're simply checking up on me." You said something in your message about "leaving the door open..." Were you referring to your suggested response above or about remaining totally NC despite any future calls? I guess it depends on which method is the biggest bridge-burner that would determine any future possibilities. There has to be a point in time when the dumpee has been in NC on their end for so long that the string has disappeared in the dumper's mind (despite any efforts by the dumper to initiate every contact.) True? Anyway, thanks Prisonbreak. I feel like I'm making some positive headway here. Hopefully we'll get some more thoughts on this all-too-common issue. -Me Edited February 29, 2008 by beau_cauchemar
prisonbreak Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 The one thing about boundaries is, you're not responsible for their feelings. You only have control over your thoughts, feelings and behavior. So, if you set a clear boundary with her, it's not your job to worry how she is going to feel about it. In my situation, i felt as if he was always keepin me on that string. Giving me mixed signals. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore and went into NC. It took about a month, but he finally called and told me the things I needed to hear. So, it ended up turning out good in he end for me. But even if he would've never called, at least I knew I wasn't being played with and he was respecting my wishes and my boundaries. 4 yrs is a long time to spend with someone and I am sure she has her days of really missing you. But obviously her little checking in calls here and there aren't doing you any good. She doensn't need to know that they kinda set you back, but she probably she know you're not interested in that. Rebounds rarely work out, so I wouldn't be surprised if she calls once things die with this new guy...b prepared:bunny:
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Thanx for checking up on me....im doing better....life goes on You know what you need here....A CALIGUY pill....lol He´ll set you straight!
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