DarkBlue Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) and I'm so afraid of falling and hurting myself. This is going to be long. PLEASE BARE WITH ME. I could really use some advice from folks who have been in a complicated situation. Earlier I came here and got some advice to back off and try no contact with a married guy that I had really strong feelings for, and worked with who seemed to be coming on to me in various ways... It wasn't really strong on his part at first.. He was flirty with me like he was with everyone. He's just naturally a flirt and that was fine... but then this obnoxious kid who was literally stalking me, started telilng other people that I wouldn't go out with him because I liked the married guy.. and It made me really nervous. I was worried word would get back to the married guy... We'll call him "K" from now on.. and he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore because he'd think it was true and would back off. The problem was it was kinda true but I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it... but since this kid was obsessed with me he figuired things out pretty quickly by noting the way I blushed when I was around "K" and I guess acted different because I was all infatuated. ( I couldn't tell at the time because I was too lost in my own world) So, when I came to "K" worried he said he didn't care and if we were gonna get in trouble for something we didn't do we might as well do it, because I Was hot. That was NOT the response I was expecting from him. AT ALL. I was totally thrown off and tried to laugh it off and take it as a joke.. but the way he looked at me when he said it... it didn't really seem like it was. Then I noticed ever since that convo we remained friends but it was like he would have days where he would test the waters with me and see how much he could get away with... and it messed with my head big time. It was just a mess... because I valued our friendship, but of course that always sounds like a cop out or excuse for hanging out more and more until something "accidently" happens. So, I tried what was suggested here and did the whole no contact thing several times...tried to ignore the flirting but failed miserably because he's too clever to be ignored, so switched shifts when we worked the same location, only to find he swapped shifts and we were back on the same shifts, which caused even more crazy problems because one of the managers there was a really nasty gossiping goose and would do everything to make me uncomfortable and point out things he would do different around me that he didn't with other people. I was on the verge of transferring when one of the other guys there asked me if he could use some of my talent for a seperate side project of his. I agreed because the project sounded really exciting and THEN he mentioned his business partner in this project was my married guy "K". I couldn't believe it. I almost backed down, but then after talking to a close friend we both decided the oppurtunity was to great. So then things got really wierd because "K" brings his wife and kids along with him while were working on this project several times. The wife seems pleasant at first... almost too nice... but as the project progresses, even though I do my best to stay focused on work and not talk, or look, or blink at "K" even remotely the wrong way.. just stay polite and professional... She would start saying things to me in this tone of voice that made me REALLY uncomfortable. She mentioned she "liked my shirt because her husband has one just like it, that she wears as pajamas when their in bed together" and other such things in a tone that was very catty like "Just want you to know, I'm the one he goes home to every night." Even though I wasn't even doing anything.. and I had been doing my best to not encourage it after I got some sense kicked in my head the first time I came here. She went from really pleasant, to catty, to not talking to me within 3 days time. I had a really strange feeling they had gotten in a fight and somehow my name popped up and he slipped and expressed feelings... or something. Because I didn't do anything to try to start anything with her. Infact I was kind of afraid of her and the whole situation from the minute I landed in it. Then, even crazier, one of the kids liked video games and liked that I liked video games too, so he followed me around all day. He just started blabbing everything that goes on at home and mentioned things like "Dad stays up till 3 in the morning playing video games and then mom shouts at him, and it always wakes us up." and "My Dad is the coolest. Do you like my dad?" and I would just be like "He's very clever". and he'd be like "But do you LIKE my dad? Cause if you do you could come over and we could all play video games together!" and then I got saved from that really akward convo by my friend who knew the whole situation and pulled me aside and said we needed to talk. She had been watching the other child, and apparantly she was very chatty too. She told me that she had commented on how well behaved the young girl was and it must have been because they had really good parents and she said back to her. "Yeah, There o.k. Except when they start cussing, and screaming, and saying they want a divorce..." and then started tearing up and crying and saying "I don't want mommy and daddy to have a divorce!" and so my friend tried to calm her down and explain it was going to be o.k. and even if they did it was not the kids fault at all, and she had been a child of divorce and after she'd calmed her down came immeadiately to me concerned asking if me and "K" had or were actually doing anything that I hadn't mentioned because it seemed like the marriage was on the rocks. I was shocked because we hadn't really.. At one point the flirting had gotten really intense and he seemed serious, but that's why I came here and realized I was heading into trouble if I didn't do something about it. We decided to keep what we knew to ourselves and not mention what the kids had said.. and just pretend to be clueless... but it kept bothering me. I was so worried for him, and them, and felt like if there was even a slight chance that I might be part of the problem that I needed to do something to not be part of the problem. I could just tell by the way he was around them and the way he fondly talked about them that his kids meant more to him then ANYTHING. So it motivated me to finally do what I really really didn't want to do but felt I needed to do because if I cared for him, then it meant caring for his kids.. and knowing his little girl felt that way just tore me apart. So after the project was done, I waited till he left on a trip with his family so he couldn't stop me or find out and I transferred to another area. I felt terrible about it, not telling him but I felt it was the right thing to do, I did NOT want to add to whatever problems were going on at home and be the one blamed for it later. So, I didn't see him for a few months and I was pretty proud of myself, but missed our friendship a lot... and felt like I had run away like a coward... constantly... Then one day a friend came to see me at work and mentioned trying to add "K" to his myspace buddy list and I just tried to change the subject by saying "Don't bother. He doesn't seem to even know how to work it properly." and so the guy goes and messages him saying I said he didn't know how to work his myspace properly and next thing I know we're fighting over myspace because I got mad and flipped out at something snarky he said and he apologized and said he really needed to talk to me in person. I said o.k. but avoided meeting up with him for weeks... actually probably like a month. Then I got some really exciting news. A project I had worked on gathered interest from some people for a much bigger project that could really help me career wise, but it was in another state. They told me I needed to be there on a date that wasn't even 2 weeks notice. Thankfully my boss was really understanding about it all, and I'm still welcome back at any time, which is comforting. I realized I had only a few days to say good bye to everyone and I'd come off like a total frigid bitch if I didn't at least say good-bye. Plus, I felt like I'd regret it forever because obviously I do have feelings for him. (I just hate to admit it anywhere but here where I'm safely annonoymous) So I go to say good-bye, and before I know it , somehow he's arranged to see me on my last day of work in my area. I just walked out in a daze thinking "He won't really come." But he does and we're right back to being all cuddly close flirty like we used to and I just sort of got weak in that moment and didn't care because I figuired "Hey. I'm leaving." Before I left I made up an excuse for not visiting often, saying I was shy and used myspace more often then visiting people in public. Now I don't know if that was a mistake or not. I'm here in another state now, and about a week after I moved I mentioned in one of my myspace blogs I was gonna be on the comp. every day so if anyone needed me they could contact me through myspace. I didn't even think about him using that as a form of communication because he never really used it before which is what we got in the stupid arguement about in the first place. So, now he's been coming on every day... and at first I ignored it.. but then it got hard and I got curious.. and we started chatting.. and I noticed he would change his emotion status and tag line to stuff indicating he was really angry, depressed, having a hard time, irate, had enough.. ect. It didnt look so good but I didn't ask because I felt like it wasn't my place. Every once and awhile I'd ask if he was ok? and he'd change the subject or put the focus on how I'm doing. Now, just the other day I find out he's been chatting with my friends on myspace. Like my closest best girl friends type friends and mentioned to one of them that he's going through the divorce process. She called me immeadiately and was like "I thought you'd want to know this" and I can't help but feel like he did it on purpose. Like he hasn't told me.. but he's telling my best friends, so he knows it's gonna get back to me. Should I continue to pretend to be clueless...? I don't get what's going on. On the one hand I realize he could be trying to do the smart thing and not involve me so that he does the right thing and tkaes care of his business before saying anything to me... but on the other hand it's like.. why go do something dumb like tell my best girl friends... he must have known it would get back to me? I'm not sure how to proceed from here. Obviously with caution... I'm far away;... like states away, so there's no worry about physical stuff or getting caught up in that... but until the divorce is final I'm guessing I should just play stupid? On the one hand I feel so incredibly helpless.. he seems to be going through so much pain right now and I can't be there for him... on the other hand I realize I probably shouldn't... go there... I dunno. It seems like this divorce has been long coming, so it's no wonder he was getting his flirt on with me... but I know there's no chance for us to really have a healthy trusting relationship (if we even do get together.. I might be getting way ahead of myself) if I don't make sure he's divorced first... but then I'm thinking this is a scary situation for him because he's the only one working, so he's got to have been holding off on this for awhile wondering about how the situation with taking care of the kids will work... and how can he do it alone? And I wish there was some way to assure him he'd have me as a friend to help no matter what, without... making it obvious that I have feelings for him back, so that he isn't influenced by that at all.. I just wanna make sure he's doing it for the right reasons. How would you handle this? (Or has anyone dealt with something similar?) Any advice, similar stories, thoughts? I am so confused.... Edited February 28, 2008 by DarkBlue
White Flower Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 After reading such a long post I thought I'd make it worth my while by answering, lol. Well, he could be just a flirt and wants to hook girls in by telling them he's divorcing when he's really not. Or, he could be divorcing and wants the news of it getting to you, but why in the world wouldn't he just tell you when you've been so cuddly close? You feel close enough to want to be there for him, but he doesn't feel close enough to let you be the first to know he's divorcing? It sounds kind of funny. I'm not sure I'd trust him. And I'm not sure why you feel the need to be there for him. Are you in love? Good luck and keep us posted.
Author DarkBlue Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) I think.. unfortunately... it's gotten to that point... me falling for him that is. I will not confirm it with him until he's divorced though! Will be very careful about that! He's hinted there's something... wrong.. before... but has never told me straight out "I'm getting divorced." but it was my best friend he talked to... and he knows she's my best friend because I've mentioned her in conversations we've had before... and I don't know... It could be that he's just trying to have some fun flirting getting his mind off the situation.. or it could be he doesn't want to drag me into his mess. He knows this oppurtunity for me is really good, and I'll only be gone a year, so it could also be that he's trying to do the right thing and deal with his situation first and keep things light so as not to rush things or put the idea in my head I need to come back. I think it's pretty smart really.. I'd be more concerned if he were trying to jump into a relationship right away before the divorce was even done and over with. We've both slipped up and expressed feelings multiple times over.... so we both know there's feelings there... and yet... we're still doing pretty o.k. just being friends (with some flirting) online now. I just... don't know... I do know the kids wouldn't make up stories or start crying about mommy and daddy screaming at each other saying there getting divorcedso it can't be something he's just saying to my friend to get me to warm up to him. There have been too many signs lately. Friends at work who knew about the gossip before have been calling me asking if "I know what's going on" because he's not wearing his ring anymore and "We noticed you've been chatting together a lot online"... (They've been peeking at both our myspace pages) -_-; (Too many nosy people at my work) Plus he knows I'm not coming back anytime soon. That's a whole lot of effort if he's lying for the possibility of an emotional affair online. He just keeps popping back up... and he's getting under my skin... nestling there.. like a tick. Edited February 28, 2008 by DarkBlue
bentnotbroken Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Stick to your guns. If he divorces, then he is free to be with you openly. Don't except less.
Owl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Even though I wasn't even doing anything.. and I had been doing my best to not encourage it after I got some sense kicked in my head the first time I came here. She went from really pleasant, to catty, to not talking to me within 3 days time. His wife wasn't stupid. She could sense your interest in him, and his potential interest in you. What did you expect? Others had already started noticing...why wouldn't she? And how did you expect her to respond once she 'caught on'? He's "hinted at"...but not "said" he's getting a divorce. As a guy, I'll tell you that he's covering his tracks. He's trying to get with you, and knows that if it looks like he might leave his wife, that increases his chances. But he's avoiding a direct lie to you so that he can tap dance his way out of the blame later. Common tactic for a MM. He's fishing, and hoping to get a nibble from you. Drop him...and the only way to drop a guy is BLUNTLY. We don't communicate in the same fashion that most women do...we speak bluntly, and we listen the same way. If we don't bluntly hear something, we won't respond to it. And he'll also use that same "tap dance" methodology to justify pursuing you that way too..."you never TOLD me that it was over". Make sense?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 It sounds like his wife is used to his behavior, and messing with other women is nothing new for this guy. I doubt you are the first woman his wife has had to be catty to. If you end up with him, understand this: you will be stuck with the short end of the stick. You'll get to help him pay alimony and child support, and you will get to watch him mess with a variety of women - like your friend for instance. He just keeps popping back up... and he's getting under my skin... nestling there.. like a tick. That's because you let him. You may want to take a really close look at why you are so smitten with this guy. It may well be that you are smitten more with the 'ideal' version of him you have created out of your own hopes and wishful thinking rather than the guy he really is.
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 His wife wasn't stupid. She could sense your interest in him, and his potential interest in you. What did you expect? Others had already started noticing...why wouldn't she? And how did you expect her to respond once she 'caught on'? I agree. She probably has picked up on some things he's said, mentioned your name casually in conversation, and noticed how he acted, giddy or something and that got her antenna up. This is HER husband, so ofcourse she is going to come out fighting. She isn't just going to hand him over to you. Anyway, I would back off and not get sucked into his drama. Obviously what he tells you is different than what's really going on with him and his wife.
Author DarkBlue Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 With not understanding why she was pikcing up on things.. at first we both acted stupid and obvious... but then when the gossip starteed it really bothered me so I started trying really hard to learn how to cover up my facial expressions and such. By the time we were all working on that project I felt guilty and strange (even though we hadn't really done anything except kissed once) so I felt this sense of "needing to be on my best behavior" the way one does when they go in for a job interivew you know? I deff. wasn't giving off signals that I was into him and he wasn't either. I just kept my head buried in my work...or tried to anyway. The only other thing I can think is she heard about it from someone else. Everyone's made interesting points here so far... It's very likely he's done this before and she's just burnt out on him... I've worried about that... I'm very afraid of my feelings. I think I've fallen completely.. or I'm really REALLY infatuated... ugh. I feel very strongly for him even though my head keeps screaming stay away because I don't want to get hurt... so your probably all right... I thought leaving the state it would be all over... I wouldn't hear anything more from him and I could move on that way. It caught me so off guard to have him suddenly pop up again. Hmmm... but no matter what... seems I should just wait it out. Basically... Don't nibble and ignore flirting until divorce is finalized? I think I can do that online... He can't see my face.. so... I can just step back from the computer when he sends messages and think of the smartest response... never type anything to hastily or get carried away... this could actually work! I still feel helpless though.. I wish I could be there for him now... He seems so sad most days. but I know it's not my place, and it would prob. just make things worse right now.
Owl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Basically...just break off any kind of contact at all with him whatsoever...online or off. That's the only REAL way to avoid things from happening. Anything less is just a placebo that will allow things to continue and get worse.
Author DarkBlue Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Uhm no. I was on myspace first, and I use it every day to keep in contact with other people for the project I'm working on. I'm not about to delete mine because he's started coming on... and I'm not gonna block him or take him off my buddy list either, because he knows everyone else I know and that'll just cause everyone to ask even more questions now that certain people have noticed he's on every day. It does really bother me on some days because it's just emotionally draining to think about it, and I thought about deleting my myspace at first because I didn't feel strong enough to deal with the situation anymore... I had thought I'd be able to block everything out of my head once I moved so it's been hard to adjust to the whole.... "Oh. Here he is. Again." thing. I thought I'd be getting away with an out of sight out of my mind kind of deal... but I've made it this far by just coming here whenever I feel weak (and I appreciate everyones input and sharing their experiences to keep me level headed so far) So I think as long as I keep getting good advice like is being given I can deal with this without slipping up. It's just... tricky. Never dealt with anything like this before.
Owl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Well, you've got my advice. Doing anything less than breaking off contact completely is going to be a waste of time and simply prolong the hurt and agony that everyone goes through. I've got no other suggestions beyond what I've offered. Good luck to you.
Author DarkBlue Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks. I do appreciate it. I understand the reasoning behind it. I just already weighed that option out and was like NO. I'm not rearranging my entire way of communication because I'm that incapable of dealing with my emotions towards him. So I just keep telling myself to "suck it up" but it get's really hard on the days where he seems really frustrated or sad and it's just really obvious they had another fight. Some nice kicks to the head here reminding me why I need to stay strong help out SO MUCH. Thanks everyone. I don't feel so alone in this situation after coming on here. Never in my life before this happened could I have ever imagined being in a situation like this. I remember when I was younger I had a pedestal no one could reach. Guys who even looked at other girls when they were already dating or married were slime in my book... and then this happened... and I started realizing It's easy to not be tempted when there's no temptation... and that I was human and everyone around me was human and we all make mistakes... and reading all these threads... It's just been so eye opening... If nothing else this whole situation has been a powerful learning lesson.
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