Complicated Situation - How To Get Her Back?

[LostInDoubt]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've been lurking on LS for awhile now, but haven't posted yet until today.

 

I would really love some advice on my situation and which path I should take.

 

So here's my story (sorry if it's a bit long)...

 

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years about 2 years ago, due to my own insecurities and not believing that I would be able to "take care of" her (we just graduated from university at that time and her parents had very high expectations for who's she is going to be with. FYI, her family is on the wealthy side and I'm from a middle class family - I'm in an Asian culture by the way).

 

When I broke up with her, we were both very much hurt. She waited for me for 6+ months (where we kept regular contact + some intimacy), before moving to the UK for 1 year for her Masters Degree. After she left for her Masters, we barely contacted each other again, until she came back last September.

 

When she returned, we resumed regular contact again as friends and hung out often. Then I found out that she had a new boyfriend.

 

The thing is, during the beginning of her relationship with her new boyfriend, she would call me up all the time to tell me how she's not happy with him, would always compare him to me, and wanted to break up with him several times but couldn't find the courage to do so.

 

She would also hint that she was expecting me to reconcile with her again, and even made some advancements sometimes (ie. suggesting that I kiss her), but I hesitated.

 

It wasn't until last Christmas that I asked her if she wanted to give us another try again. Her answer was that she would give us another chance, and gave me a deadline (15 February - about 1 1/2 months) to tell me whether or not she wanted to ultimately come back together. By the way, she still hasn't "decided" yet as she has told me and it's now end of February.

 

During the past 2 months (from beginning of January until now - end of February), things between us have been great - probably better than before. We really enjoyed our time together and literally met almost every day of the week. We are also now pretty intimate, and have come back to kissing once again like we once did long ago.

 

We were also talking a lot about our future together, her dream house, our plans for the future, etc. Everything seemed like it was going well for us both.

 

Mind you, all this time she was still seeing her new boyfriend.

 

Here's my dilemma though: I just found out recently that all this time she's been having a relationship with me, that she has also been building her relationship with her new boyfriend as well (all the time that I thought she was trying to "end things with him" as she hinted me). She would lie to me that she isn't free at certain times to go see him. She would send him the same cute text messages she also sent me.

 

When I confronted her about this, she told me that she loves me and I'm the "most important person in her life", that she knows we're meant for each other, and that we get along so well with each other, but that she can't break up with her boyfriend because "he did nothing wrong". (She still doesn't get along with him as well as with me).

 

She also told me that the major reason she can't break up with him is that her and his family has grown really close during these past months, and virtually everyone in her family is rooting for him (he's a doctor by the way). Because he's a doctor, he treated her parents and grandparents several times and generally made everyone in her family happy.

 

She told me that her feelings for him isn't of love, but that she likes everything that he does and can provide for her and her family. She also said that she fears that everyone in her family (as well as his) will view her badly if she chooses to break up with him to return to me.

 

In the end, she told me that if there are no other factors (family, etc.), that she would choose me. However, because of her current situation, she fears that she can't break up with him.

 

She even told me that sometimes, it might be fate that 2 people who really love each other so much (me & her) can't be together because of the situation she is in.

 

So yesterday, I told her that maybe it's best that I give her some space to think what she really wants, and that we shouldn't contact each other until she's sure of her answer. We both cried when I told her this, and she was visibly sad.

 

My dilemma is, did I do the right thing? Which path should I take, based on what I've done so far?

 

A). Go NC and give her time to think things through. The risk here is that, she may end up just going with her new boyfriend and lose her feelings for me due to no contact. Since her family and everyone is rooting for him, she might be swayed by their opinions... all the while I cannot do anything since I'd be NC. On the other hand, it might make her realize who she really wants to be with or what's important to her.

 

B). Continue to be there for her and give her fun/good times like we've been having for the past 2 months. Show her that I'm a changed man and try to just be there for her (she says that she's really happy every day she's with me... and lonely on days we're not together). However, I fear that I would end up being a "backup plan" for her (after pouring all my heart for her) until she either improves her relationship with her current boyfriend and ends up him, or ends up breaking up with him when she's "sure they can't make things better" (in her words). Sometimes I feel as though she's using me to fill the void in their relationship until things can improve more on their end.

 

In other words, she seems to be confused now and wants to see if she can "improve things" with her current boyfriend before ultimately choosing who to go with.

 

So my question is, during this time, should I go with A) NC or B) Be with her and make her happy?

 

(By the way, when I asked her what's the most perfect scenario is for her... she said it's for me to be there for her like I always do, while she sees if things can get better between him and her - if not, then there's a *possibility* that she might choose me (if family and other circumstances doesn't get in the way - remember: her family is basically rooting for him).

 

I'm in shambles right now and have never experienced pain as much as this after experiencing all this. Each day for me is full of uncertainty and every minute passes by so slowly.

 

What should I do? Which path should I take? Or are there any alternatives? Thanks in advanced for your advice.

Edited February 28, 2008 by LostInDoubt

[KittenMoon]

This girl needs to grow up! This situation isn't complicated at all- it's her getting what she wants when she wants it, and you are willing to be on her string while she "figures" things out.

 

Love is not "you today, him tomorrow, the next day, who knows?".

 

Walk away from this girl. She's playing all sides, and she's being incredibly selfish. And until someone forces her into a decision, she will not make it on her own- and why would she, if she can have it all?

 

I'd say walk away from this kinda of manipulative, selfish person 100% and forever, but at the very least, walk away and refuse contact until she comes up with a solid decision and sticks with it.

[sedgwick]

What woman in 2008 looks for a man to provide for her? And do you really want a woman who feels that she needs that? Have you ever been with an independent woman who provides for HERSELF and, as an adult, doesn't allow her family to make her choices for her?

[Owl]

Congratulations...you are now "THE OTHER MAN".

 

She's not changing because she's happy with what she's got. She has TWO men who are meeting her emotional needs and making her feel good.

 

And its not going to change, because she's got no reason to change it. Why should she give one of you up when she can have you BOTH?

 

Personally, I think you need to let her know that she didn't honor her word of deciding by Feb 15, you feel that she's had plenty of time to 'make a choice'...and that you're no longer willing to be a part of this love triangle. Go NC and find someone who won't play these games with you.

[CaliGuy]

My vote?

 

Go complete NC and move on with your life. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, it won't.

 

There's nothing you can do to CONTROL the situation other than to life your life to the fullest.

 

If she really wants to be with you, she knows how to find you. You can do nothing to change things, but you can push her away completely if you pursue her.

 

Start dating someone else. That's my suggestion. When you're ready of course.

[Haohmaru]

(By the way, when I asked her what's the most perfect scenario is for her... she said it's for me to be there for her like I always do, while she sees if things can get better between him and her - if not, then there's a *possibility* that she might choose me

 

Ok, you have her perfect scenario, and you gave it to her.

 

Now what's yours?

 

Is she willing to give it to you?

 

Can both of your perfect scenarios even exist at the same time?

 

If not, I'd say it's time to start saving up for lots of hookers (joke, ha ha) until you feel healthy enough to start dating again.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think I say it for everyone that our responses to your dilemma would in no way give more answers than the answer that you've written out: you've become a part of a triangle and she's using you as the other man with no intention of breaking up with her current boyfriend. How old is she again? If she's past the age of 18, I'm sure she has every right to dictate her life the way she wants without the interference of her parents to pressure her to stay with the bf. You seem like a reasonable person, but your refusal to see that the relationship that you're carrying on with her is emotionally damaging, is not something that can be easily overlooked. Take your own advice, initiate NC until she can come to her own terms whether she chooses to be with the bf or you.

[prisonbreak]

Gotta go with plan A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

In your post it was all about her and now it's time for YOU! What do you want? Plus, plan B isn't really working for you. She's not going to chose you if you're still around. There is no decision for her to have to make cause she still gets to have you and him. I'd walk. Hopefully she will realize. I'm a believer of LOVE. Love conquers all. If she really loves you she will come back to you. How sad will her life be if she choses money over love, she'll regret if she does, but that's not your cross to carry. Set some boundaries!!!! Good luck, you can do it

[strife]

However, I fear that I would end up being a "backup plan" for her ...

 

In other words, she seems to be confused now and wants to see if she can "improve things" with her current boyfriend before ultimately choosing who to go with.

 

Go with A. You recognize yourself that you're a backup plan. I know women like her. They choose status over emotional connection but prefer to have both.