Is it cheating if my bisexual girlfriend wants to hook up with girls??

[cre8]

Hey all,

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year. She's bi-curious and comfortably talks to me about her interest in girls.

 

As a joke, we were talking about her female friend who also has another female friend, but they are unusually close together. One of the girls has a husband who is living in another country, so the topic came to if it's considered cheating if the two girls "play" together. She said that "it's not cheating if it's another girl."

 

Then she asked for my personal opinion and I said that it depends on the understanding that exists between the husband and the wife. I said that if it's with another guy, it's definitely cheating, but if it's with another girl, that's something I'd have to think about because I've never given it thought before.

 

Truth be told, the thought of her and another girl is a turn on, and the whole threesome possibility also sounds great. One thing I did tell her though, without giving a definite answer is that if the girl IS going to hook up with other girls, the guy should know.

 

Any thoughts on this? What are your opinions? I'm not sure how to handle this one. It's a big turn-on, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure how to approach this to make sure that our relationship isn't jeopardized. We are practically soul mates and I really treasure our relationship.

 

Thanks!

[Balthazar]

Theoretically, it is cheating whether she tells you or not. The question is if it is the kind of cheating you can live with. I know for a fact that having a bisexual GF is most guys' dream, because of the threesome possibility(as you noted).

If you and your GF are into venturing into such arrangements, why not?

However, keep in mind that if she is serious about your relationship, she will be extra careful before doing anything.

In any case, she is the one who may be jeopardizing your relationship, not you! After all, you are not the one who brought up such topics.

There is also the strong possibility(certainty?) that she has already ventured down such paths and may just be seeking to formalize it with you and test how much you will put up with her slightly deviant erotic preferences.

Good luck!

Edited February 28, 2008 by Balthazar

[cre8]

Theoretically, it is cheating whether she tells you or not. The question is if it is the kind of cheating you can live with. I know for a fact that having a bisexual GF is most guys' dream, because of the threesome possibility(as you noted).

If you and your GF are into venturing into such arrangements, why not?

However, keep in mind that if she is serious about your relationship, she will be extra careful before doing anything.

In any case, she is the one who may be jeopardizing your relationship, not you! After all, you are not the one who brought up such topics.

There is also the strong possibility(certainty?) that she has already ventured down such paths and may just be seeking to formalize it with you and test how much you will put up with her slightly deviant erotic preferences.

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the quick response. As far as her venturing down those paths, it may be possible, but as far as she has told me, the most she's done with another girl has just been body touching and caressing and that was at a nightclub, so she was fully clothed. I have the feeling that she hasn't explored out there, but really wants to, and she's testing the waters to see how comfortable I am with her doing it.

 

 

*The catch is* she's admitted to having a jealous/possessive personality, but it's not to the point where it bothers me since I do like a little bit of possessiveness. That said, I highly doubt she'd want to bring another girl into the picture *with me.* Then again, I don't think it's something I can't work my way around. It's just finding a way to make the agreement that she can have other girls around as long as I know about them, and as long as she's willing to allow me as much experimentation as she's willing to undertake .

 

She told me she'd never "date" another girl. So I'm assuming it's just for on-the-side play. Again, I wouldn't mind as long as 1) I know about the girls 2) She brings them into our sex life on occasion 3) She doesn't get emotionally involved with them 4) Safe sex!

[DanielMadr]

It is cheating in somewhat lesser degree (she cant get pregnant doing that...) However you should question her interest level in you anyway. Because she definetely made a stunt by telling you that. If you were madly in love with her would you risk suggesting something similiar - I dont know what exactly but you know what I mean.

 

And she made a stunt. Just look how she made your brain spin. Thats another thing - she maybe did what women love to do - making emotional wawes to rock your boat for the pleasure of rocking or for testing if you can hold your balance or probably both.

 

Anyway you doing 3some is definetely cheating. With her consent but still cheating - jealousy and lots of other problems involved.

[maynicholas]

I think that the label 'cheating' carries too many negative conotations. If it is something mutually agreed upon, it is not cheating. That being said, emotions are emotions. If you can trust that she will not become emotionally attached to these women, then it will be fine. But the human heart is inpredictable, so while she may say she wouldn't- she is a woman- and we women (in general) do become emotionally attached to those we share our bed with (make it two women and you have double the estrogen ).

So really, you need to know how your lady will act in this situation. If she has a posessive personality, chances are she will become the same way with her women as well- that is where you two could run into trouble. If you know she is the type of woman who can easily separate sex from emotions, then go for it. If you know she can't- steer clear.

[Hoffle]

Dump her. She's in the closet

[blind_otter]

I think it's cheating. JMO.

 

Also I think it's really hilarious that people think lesbian's can't transmit STDs. They can, they do, it happens all the time, and lesbians rarely if ever use protection.

[dreamergrl]

I was in a similar situation with my ex, not quite the same, but he used to always ask if we could bring in another girl into our sex lives. I told him hell no - just the thought of it made me feel not good enough in bed. He tried to tell me that he wouldn't mind if one of his friends wanted to hook up with me, and I said hell no twice as loud. A week later he freaked out over a guy hitting on me, and the flirting wasn't returned by me. Goes to show you that while someone may be okay with the idea, there's still that jealous voice in the back of your mind.

 

While it may be consenting if you know about it, I think you need to ask yourself how it will make you feel afterwards. Do you really want to share your gf?

[O'Malley]

It's cheating if she hooks up with anyone without your consent. Keep in mind that if this other woman's husband doesn't know about it, you and your girlfriend will be helping her to cheat.

 

The hookup doesn't necessarily end when the sex ends; people are more jealous and insecure than they think themselves to be.

[cre8]

Do you really want to share your gf?

 

I don't mind, the thought of her with another girl turns me on, but it's only the thought. The thing is, I'm not sure what more to expect.

 

I suppose my main concern is being ok with it, and having it get blown out of proportion. That by OKing this type of an openness in our relationship, it might open doors to other things that I'm not ok with (and which I can't predict). I don't want to give her the message that I'm permissive, or that she can get away with things like this easily, and allow holes in our relationship. But if she has an interest in other girls, I wouldn't want to withhold her from doing that either. The last thing I'd want to do is have her feel that her freedom is being thwarted. Then again, she DID ask for my opinion, so she wants to see how I feel about this.

 

I do see this relationship going farther and getting more serious down the line...

Edited February 29, 2008 by cre8

[dreamergrl]

I don't mind, the thought of her with another girl turns me on, but it's only the thought. The thing is, I'm not sure what more to expect.

 

Maybe the thought of it is a turn on, but will you be able to handle it mentally and emotionally after all is said and done?

[terrus peeck]

Why do you care anyway if its cheating?

 

You want a threesome

 

Most relationships are about two people, manogomy.

 

so if you want a threesome, then its no longer manogomy anyway.

 

Thus, if she cheats, who cares?

[Angels&Airwaves]

Maybe the thought of it is a turn on, but will you be able to handle it mentally and emotionally after all is said and done?

 

That’s the crux of the debate in a nutshell; I’m not sure if he and she would be handle the implications of a threesome, especially if his girlfriend develops feelings towards the other female.

 

I heard a story that was doing the rounds in my University that a boy and girl who were in a committed relationship for a few years decided to spice up their sex life, so they had a threesome or several with a girl who agreed to it. Eventually the boy became physically attached to the other girl and he dumped his girlfriend and got into a relationship with the third party.

 

They are still together, but from what I’ve seen of the other girl; well she’s a complete mess who regularly drinks the red sea dry amongst other things. This is an isolated incident, I doubt it happens all the time, but in life there’s positives and negatives for everything, this person has to decide whether the reward is greater than the risk.

[dreamergrl]

That’s the crux of the debate in a nutshell; I’m not sure if he and she would be handle the implications of a threesome, especially if his girlfriend develops feelings towards the other female.

 

I heard a story that was doing the rounds in my University that a boy and girl who were in a committed relationship for a few years decided to spice up their sex life, so they had a threesome or several with a girl who agreed to it. Eventually the boy became physically attached to the other girl and he dumped his girlfriend and got into a relationship with the third party.

 

They are still together, but from what I’ve seen of the other girl; well she’s a complete mess who regularly drinks the red sea dry amongst other things. This is an isolated incident, I doubt it happens all the time, but in life there’s positives and negatives for everything, this person has to decide whether the reward is greater than the risk.

 

That's exactly why I don't understand how people can bring in other people into their bed. I'm sure there are some people out there who can handle it afterwards, but both people have to be fully ready not to get emotional about it. I knew a couple who led that type of life, had 3 or 4 kids, then ended up getting divorced - I believe the husband divorced the woman because he had issues with who she was being shared with.

[harmonystar]

No Duh!

If she wants to hook up with chicks or dudes and you are in a serious relationship then yes it is cheating.

 

If you want your relationship with her to be exclusive between you and her it is cheating!

 

However if you are okay with it why are you asking if it is cheating?:lmao:

[mental_traveller]

Of course it is cheating, unless she has asked permission beforehand and got it from her boyfriend. It makes no difference if she goes with a guy or girl - going with another person when you are in a monogamous relationship is cheating.

 

Now a lot of guys will be much more chilled about it - so she can ask "do you mind if I make out with girls" or even sleep with them, if he agrees then it's fine and not cheating. But doing it behind someone's back is cheating, end of story.

 

Remember, she can catch STDs off a girl just as much as from a guy. If she sleeps around with another girl without telling the bf, she is putting him at risk.

[mental_traveller]

Theoretically, it is cheating whether she tells you or not.

 

No it isn't. Cheating requires deception. If he is fully aware of it, and agrees with her going with other girls, it's not deceptive at all - it's open and honest. Hence it cannot be cheating.

 

Personally I'd be fine with playing with another girl, but only if it was me and my gf together. I wouldn't want her to see another woman solo, or for me to see another woman solo. That way lies jealousy, emotional attachments, jealousy etc.

 

My advice is say you'd be ok with you, your gf, and another girl having a session together - you could let them make out while you watch, then maybe join in But tell her you can't accept her going privately with another woman, and would consider it cheating and thus the end of the relationship if it happened.

[mental_traveller]

Why do you care anyway if its cheating?

 

You want a threesome

 

Most relationships are about two people, manogomy.

 

so if you want a threesome, then its no longer manogomy anyway.

 

Thus, if she cheats, who cares?

 

Obviously he cares, or he wouldn't be asking, would he? Most relationships are *not* about monogamy, because most relationships have cheating at some point. And in any case, most does not mean "all" - and this guy and his gf are potentially gonna move out of monogamy into something else.

 

Also, there aren't just two relationship states - monogamy, and carte blanche to screw anyone you like. There can be varying levels in between e.g. the couple that occasionally invite another girl or guy for a 3some, couples that have totally open relationships, couples that sometimes go to swinger clubs and hook up with other couples or get into orgies etc, and you even have relationships where 3+ people live together!

[Arch]

Would your gf be mad if she walked in on a guy giving you oral sex?

[nylah]

just curious.......and please correct me if I'm wrong, but i think the "bi" part means that she prefers both men and women...right? was there an arrangement that you two would break up before she started seeing women again....or did you believe she would give up women for you....?

[Fishcake108]

if my girl got with another girl i would be cut, and get pretty upset, i think its cheating for that reason.

 

If we talked about it though, then its honest and not so cheating. I dont think id be ok with it, but who knows.

[cre8]

No it isn't. Cheating requires deception. If he is fully aware of it, and agrees with her going with other girls, it's not deceptive at all - it's open and honest. Hence it cannot be cheating.

 

Personally I'd be fine with playing with another girl, but only if it was me and my gf together. I wouldn't want her to see another woman solo, or for me to see another woman solo. That way lies jealousy, emotional attachments, jealousy etc.

 

My advice is say you'd be ok with you, your gf, and another girl having a session together - you could let them make out while you watch, then maybe join in But tell her you can't accept her going privately with another woman, and would consider it cheating and thus the end of the relationship if it happened.

 

I like this piece of advice. It really doesn't bother me to have her hook up with girls as long as I know about it and it's with me in the picture. So your suggestion pretty much explains it dead-on. I plan on going to strip clubs with her, getting her lap dances and such... it's fun! But yeah, I do plan on being more serious with this girl -- just met her entire family and extended family this weekend.