Relationship-sabotaging friends

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the relationship or friendship section since it encompasses them both, but I guess I'll put it here because nobody reads the friendship section anyway.

 

Around the beginning of the fall '06 school year, I met two people who became very important to me; one would become my boyfriend, and the other, for all intensive purposes, would become my best friend. The boyfriend was from my homecity, about 100 miles away. The bestfriend (although I prefer not to call her that not, so let's refer to her as X) was at university. For the duration of the school year, I spent my weeks at university and my weekends at home, so the two of them never met, but I spent countless hours talking to each of the other—especially to X of the boyfriend. She made it seem as though she was very happy for me, and I was very happy as well, and all was very well and happy.

 

When school finished and summer came, X wanted to travel, so it seemed only natural that she would come see me in my homecity—and, by obvious association, finally meet the boyfriend who she had heard so much about in the past many months. When she arrived, she was oddly shy around my boyfriend, and very adverse to any sort of affection between us (for example, if we held hands while walking, she would sulk, walk behind us, and not talk to us). I had the idea that she didn't like him, and I was saddened by this, so I asked her what she thought of him, and she said “He's seriously awesome,” and I could just tell she was completely genuine, and it made me happy, but also confused, because how she acted contradicted this.

 

One night near the end of her stay, we went out to a bar with a few of our friends and X got pretty drunk. Suddenly she wasn't very shy around my boyfriend at all. In fact, she was very openly flirtatious. This was probably the only time that the three of us got along non-awkwardly and happily, so I welcomed the change from her sulking, although in the back of my mind I really didn't like her flirting (for example, when we walked down the street after that, she insisted he hold her hand too—which I assumed was mostly for the reactions of the passersby, which were hilarious, so I let it go). I realized it went a little too far, however, when she insisted that night to sleep with us, in his bed. When we got home we talked about this, as I was a little disturbed by it (the two of us being far less drunk than she was), and he conceded that her intentions were not innocent, but would not tell me how he knew (although he didn't really have to at this point—it was all coming together and I was beginning to tell that she had a crush on him). We talked about it sober the next morning, and she denied that was what she meant, so we left it at that, not wanting to cause any more sulking.

 

When X went back home, my boyfriend finally told me how he knew X's intentions—when I was in another room, she had actually confessed to liking him! And although I could have (and did) guess this, I was furious that she wouldn't tell me, would tell him so behind my back! Some drama ensued, and I found out she told some people that my boyfriend had initiated hitting on her. I am an untrusting person by nature, and this almost shattered me. Although I knew by now she was not a trustworthy person, I wondered and wondered if what she said was true. He assured me constantly that it wasn't, and he had never given me a reason to distrust him—but then again, neither had she, up until this point. X and I ended up cutting off contact, but she left me with a cryptic feeling that my boyfriend was not to be trusted. The next months were very difficult for our relationship, and we struggled through them, and I eventually got to a point where I trusted him and what he said about the situation in the summer. Half a year passed; I eventually pushed the incident out of my mind, and managed to attain happiness.

 

On Valentine's Day, X contacted me again, after six months of not a word. I felt shattered all over again. I didn't want to hear what she had to say. Surprisingly however, what she offered me was an apology (the very first one since the incident). She admitted everything—her crush, her embarrassment at his rejection of her, and the subsequent stories she made up about him to “get back at him” or whatever you'd call it. This make me overjoyed, because I realized I made the right decision trusting him. I told her I forgave her (which may or may not have been a bad idea), and X and I began to talk again, tentatively. She started to fill me in on the happenings of her life since we had parted ways. One development was that she was no longer friends with a person she had formerly had a relationship with (let's call him Y), who I was on bad terms with. The reasoning—he thought she was a virgin before she met him (and so did I), but then she suddenly told me she had slept with someone before him. This was certainly news to me, so I decided to check out the story with a (former) mutual friend of ours (former, because she no longer associated with X). She had also never heard of this, so she confronted Y. Apparently, that wasn't the reason Y had cut of her friendship at all—it was because he had lost respect for her; after she got back from her visit with us the previous summer, she started sleeping around, big-time, and basically became what he called a huge slut. Bothered by this inconsistency, I relayed some of the other information X had told me to my friend, and sure enough, it turns out she was lying about a lot of things, making stuff up, embellishing—just generally being dishonest.

 

I realize now I might have made a very big mistake in forgiving her, and I'm not quite sure how to proceed. Cut off contact again? Confront her? Just let it go because her little lies have nothing to do with me (as far as I know)? Was I stupid to forgive her in the first place?

 

(Sorry for the length, by the way.)

[Lyssa]

I realize now I might have made a very big mistake in forgiving her, and I'm not quite sure how to proceed. Cut off contact again? Confront her? Just let it go because her little lies have nothing to do with me (as far as I know)? Was I stupid to forgive her in the first place?

 

Wow - what a woman that X!

 

I'd cut off contact because a friend (if you can call her that) like that can be toxic. Who knows what else she can come up with or say in the future? I don't think I can ever trust someone like X but that is just me.

 

You weren't stupid to forgive her, Chariot. You're just a human, a nice one at that.

[DanielMadr]

Reminds me of those thriller movies when one girl imitates and eventually kills her best friend to get to her boyfriend/husband to live the same happy life as her friend did. Awesome. Lock your doors and dont say 'I'll be back in a minute'. I hope you are still a virgin - they have so much better chance to survive the killing monster's attack.

[Balthazar]

I don't think you should do anything specifically. Your issues with her have been resolved.

It would be reasonable to stay in touch if you enjoy her company, but be wary of what you say to her as she is not in the best friend niche any longer.