rina_r Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Hi, My love came back from 1 year deployment in December. Before we were an awesome couple in a beautiful relationship. We wanted to get married; he could not wait to get home to be with me. We moved in together the day he returned, and i think it only added stress. The 1st week he only slept: i got home from work and he went to bed. I think i took it personally (but all i need is to hear "honey, iam tired, i really do need to sleep").Then he left for 2 weeks to see his family. As i got frustrated with not having his attention and with all household issues we had, the more i got stressted and frustrated. He had been and still is emotionally cold, no affection, no sex since december. It frustrates me even more. We used to be unseparable, and now every time i suggest activities to share, he calls me dependent and clingy. So, we are like in a circle, stuck, no way out. We set up an appointment for couples therapist, because i dont know how else to resolve it. He is cold as ice but says he loves me, and otherwise would not still be with me. I love him too but i cant be with an ice cold stone. My mother is being completely insupportive - to her every man who causes any kind of problem or inconveniece is a loser. I and my love have some issues too: he was abused as a child, i went through an abusive marriage. I hope we will be able to get out of this mess. I would like to know what you think, if any of you, guys, have been through anything similar, and just need some words of support and encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Curmudgeon Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Hi, My love came back from 1 year deployment in December. Before we were an awesome couple in a beautiful relationship. We wanted to get married; he could not wait to get home to be with me. We moved in together the day he returned, and i think it only added stress. The 1st week he only slept: i got home from work and he went to bed. I think i took it personally (but all i need is to hear "honey, iam tired, i really do need to sleep").Then he left for 2 weeks to see his family. As i got frustrated with not having his attention and with all household issues we had, the more i got stressted and frustrated. He had been and still is emotionally cold, no affection, no sex since december. It frustrates me even more. We used to be unseparable, and now every time i suggest activities to share, he calls me dependent and clingy. So, we are like in a circle, stuck, no way out. We set up an appointment for couples therapist, because i dont know how else to resolve it. He is cold as ice but says he loves me, and otherwise would not still be with me. I love him too but i cant be with an ice cold stone. My mother is being completely insupportive - to her every man who causes any kind of problem or inconveniece is a loser. I and my love have some issues too: he was abused as a child, i went through an abusive marriage. I hope we will be able to get out of this mess. I would like to know what you think, if any of you, guys, have been through anything similar, and just need some words of support and encouragement. You used the "d" word -- deployment. Assuming that means Afghanistan or Iraq, he was in a combat zone for at least a year, probably more. Combat experience changes people. I know. I was in it for 22 months. It takes time to decompress and come back. Some never do. For some it takes month. For others it takes years. Quite framkly, I'd tell your mother to go pound sand up the appropriate apperature. She doesn't count. As for the rest, the best you can do right now is love him and let him know it. You'll likely have to reinforce it daily. Counseling is a great start and I hope that in time, it all works out for you. If he has, in fact, returned from a combat zone, the "fix" may not be a quick one. My combat experience ended 39 years ago next month. According to my wife, I still very occasionally have night terrors in my sleep in which I relive it. My wife understands. The ex never did!
OpenBook Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 As for the rest, the best you can do right now is love him and let him know it. You'll likely have to reinforce it daily. Counseling is a great start and I hope that in time, it all works out for you. If he has, in fact, returned from a combat zone, the "fix" may not be a quick one. My combat experience ended 39 years ago next month. According to my wife, I still very occasionally have night terrors in my sleep in which I relive it. My wife understands. The ex never did! I totally agree. Right now it's his turn to be on the receiving end of your comfort and support. He has offered up the greatest sacrifice anyone could ever make for their home and country. He needs you to love him unconditionally. The household stuff is meaningless. I would suggest talking to other military W's, especially the older ones who have a lot of experience under their belt. They can provide valuable insight and guidance on how to handle your man who's just come home from the war. My guess is there's kid gloves involved. Good luck! Go love your man!:love:
Author rina_r Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 The point is..i am not a wife and he can be like this forever...that means i ll be wasting my life with him....
OpenBook Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 The point is..i am not a wife and he can be like this forever...that means i ll be wasting my life with him.... Then why are you setting up couples therapy appointments??? And nagging him about household issues??? You're acting like you're already married to him. Maybe that's part of what's wrong!
Author rina_r Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 And nagging him about household issues??? You're acting like you're already married to him. Maybe that's part of what's wrong! Excuse me, because I dont feel like paying bills for two, thats why!! If we live together, then he needs to be responsible for his part. I am not going to support a grown up man. And therapist was the idea that came from him.So no need to be nasty with me.
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