tanbark813 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I mentioned how we hangout once every 2-3 weeks now (compared to before), and it is pretty easy for me to get the wrong idea about "us", especially for how much she supposedly likes me.Anyhow this all took place as she was on her way going out. She ended up drunk dialing me later that night around 2a.m. and told me she wished I was there with her at her apt. Read this many, many times, dude. Do you not see this? This is a prime example of actions not matching words. She wishes you were there but never invited you. And if she's SOOOOOO BUSY she wouldn't be going out. You need to pull way back. And to be honest it sounds like you're dead in the water. The whole afraid-of-getting-hurt-thing is complete bs.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 No man I KNOW....I was just responding to Stargazer.... trust me I know by now.
tanbark813 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 No man I KNOW....I was just responding to Stargazer.... trust me I know by now. Aight.
Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Read this many, many times, dude. Do you not see this? This is a prime example of actions not matching words. She wishes you were there but never invited you. And if she's SOOOOOO BUSY she wouldn't be going out. You need to pull way back. And to be honest it sounds like you're dead in the water. The whole afraid-of-getting-hurt-thing is complete bs. I really don't necessarily think you're right here, Tan. On occasion I drunk dialed BF when I was out and about, purposefully without him... and you KNOW how into him I was. You can't miss someone and wish they were there if they were in fact there...how is that "actions not matching words"? If anything, they match perfectly. She's busy BECAUSE she's going out and having a life outside of work. What's wrong with that? If she wasn't going out, she wouldn't be busy. Your logic doesn't make sense. To me, it sounds like she is legitimately busy, and has little free time. She's planned a trip out of town with him during her free time, that's gotta mean something. You seem to be ignoring that fact. Would you honestly go away on a little trip with someone you weren't into? I also understand her trying to keep a slow pace, particularly because she's so busy. I know that I have a really bad habit of letting everything go - other friendships/relationships, social time, community service, extracurricular work stuff, even working out - when I find someone I really like. I have to FORCE myself to keep myself busy and occupied with other things otherwise I find myself actually losing myself in my relationship. I have a feeling I'll be behaving much like this girl is if/when I next meet a guy I'm really interested in. On the other hand, if/when he calls me on it, and says he's thinkin' I'm not as invested, I'd probably step up my game with him. It's a tough balance.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 You really do have a good point Star... because she is very straightforward with me nonetheless, and her girlfriends always have a bunch of plans. She had a birthday to go to last night, a baby shower this weekend...then next week she wanted to go back up to Sac to see her mom, and she was still going to go on that trip with me (which I kind of called off now- its up in the air now) So your right she is legitimately busy...but Tan's point really makes me think twice as well. I mean I've been pretty blunt about making my point, and I know she is concerned that I might just cut out on her. She still makes the effort to keep in contect with me everyday in whichever means whether it be by phone/ text. But nonetheless I don't think it'll hurt to just sit back a little and be a little more reclusive. But like I said...I can only care about this so long, until I dont care at all - and by that I mean it's better for me because then I won't even have to worry about these feelings and her - back to the ol' putting green! lol
Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Baby showers and birthday parties and legitimate events to keep her busy. She's in contact with you daily, and made plans for that trip. At this point, I would not cut bait.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Well I already metioned that if she was going to be bust and wanted to see her mom that whole week, then don't worry bout the trip. So it's in the air, we'll see if she brings it up.
Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Here's the thing. You now seem to be acting indifferent towards her. If she's legitimately busy (which I think she is), I doubt she's going to make time in her schedule for someone who now seems he could care less.
tanbark813 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 You can't miss someone and wish they were there if they were in fact there...how is that "actions not matching words"? Because if she wanted to see him so badly she would have invited him along. She's busy BECAUSE she's going out and having a life outside of work. What's wrong with that? If she wasn't going out, she wouldn't be busy. Your logic doesn't make sense. I never said having a life outside of work was bad, but she doesn't include him in it. I'm busy, you're busy, everyone is busy. I still manage to go out on dates. It's not hard. And this from page one: We had plans to go to Monterey from the 7th of March to the 9th, but then it turned into just the 8th and 9th. Then I asked to see if she wanted to hang out sometime this weekend....and she was had something lined up for every day. ..does not sound like the actions of someone super interested. My guess is she kind of likes him but wants to keep her options open and is using the "oh boo hoo I'm so afraid of getting hurt" shyt to keep him strung along (which is having the desired effect).
Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Because if she wanted to see him so badly she would have invited him along. I dunno. I wouldn't invite a new guy along to a friend's birthday party. It's not my place to invite a straggler. Her other options for this weekend are to invite him to a baby shower or home to meet mom, or to ditch those plans. Reasonable? I think not. Sometimes it IS about timing. My guess is she kind of likes him but wants to keep her options open and is using the "oh boo hoo I'm so afraid of getting hurt" shyt to keep him strung along (which is having the desired effect). This might be true. But in all honesty, I don't really see a problem with keeping her options open...
tanbark813 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I wouldn't invite a new guy along to a friend's birthday party. You're getting too caught up in the details.
Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 You're getting too caught up in the details. I'm looking at the entire picture. The forest, the trees, and the pinecones. They're all relevant here.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Whatever...if she likes me she'll just call and make plans...simple. I'm really not acting in-different...yet. She knows very well how I feel. Maybe I sounded a lil hasty in my reply to you.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 I really appreciate your point of view Tan, but she is a woman and I value her perspective a lil more. Plus I wouldn't want to go a her friends B-day...being around of all her girlfriends isn't exactly a good time. Don't trip guys I'm sure I have this under control and my head is level enough to go about this in a reasonable manner. I'm not gonna ditch her or neglect her...I just want to be a little more reserved now for my own sake I do trust my gut feelings, and it isn't necessarily going hay-wire right now, so all I can do now is sit back.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Here's the thing. You now seem to be acting indifferent towards her. If she's legitimately busy (which I think she is), I doubt she's going to make time in her schedule for someone who now seems he could care less. SG is right. Ebel, despite you saying that you're not putting a rush into things, I noticed from your posts that you're trying to force the hand of an issue here that does not seem to be relative, only that your concerns are so much so that you're making it a problem. What I see from an outsiders point of view, is that you've had too much of a head start into this "race" and had not waited for your SO to fully prepare herself to meet you at the halfway point. I understand that you're frustrated, but who wouldn't be, when it seems that you're the only one putting in an effort? But she's only human. I'm sure she's suffered her fair share of disappointments, and it's only understandable that she's trying her hardest to incorporate you into her life, while balancing the hectic schedule that she has. From what you've written about her, I don't get the sense that she's trying to see things from an "optional" point, and her feelings seem entirely sincere. Note, that you've said yourself that you wanted her, wanted a relationship with her, but was already at this point, willing to jump ship. Why are you questioning her feelings, while you're not ever certain of yours? Your being lukewarm, hot, and now indifferent doesn't seem to be helping this situation one bit. Especially since it seems that your actions spell out ULTIMATUMS in capital letters.
tanbark813 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Of the two of us I'm betting I've been rejected by women more than SG. But fair enough. Good luck, bro.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 SG is right. Ebel, despite you saying that you're not putting a rush into things, I noticed from your posts that you're trying to force the hand of an issue here that does not seem to be relative, only that your concerns are so much so that you're making it a problem. What I see from an outsiders point of view, is that you've had too much of a head start into this "race" and had not waited for your SO to fully prepare herself to meet you at the halfway point. I understand that you're frustrated, but who wouldn't be, when it seems that you're the only one putting in an effort? But she's only human. I'm sure she's suffered her fair share of disappointments, and it's only understandable that she's trying her hardest to incorporate you into her life, while balancing the hectic schedule that she has. From what you've written about her, I don't get the sense that she's trying to see things from an "optional" point, and her feelings seem entirely sincere. Note, that you've said yourself that you wanted her, wanted a relationship with her, but was already at this point, willing to jump ship. Why are you questioning her feelings, while you're not ever certain of yours? Your being lukewarm, hot, and now indifferent doesn't seem to be helping this situation one bit. Especially since it seems that your actions spell out ULTIMATUMS in capital letters. Well I get your point, and I hope I'm not coming off too strong in that way, but call me selfish...I have needs too. But really I vent on LS about this (maybe it comes off stronger than it seems when your reading), but I really don't come off like when it comes to her. Ultimatums or not I word myself very sincerely to her and honestly I am just expressing my honest feelings about the situation when I address it to her, she seems to understand in a positive way. Anyhow thanks for the input...I know how I am going to go about this now regardless
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 SG is right. Why are you questioning her feelings, while you're not ever certain of yours? Your being lukewarm, hot, and now indifferent doesn't seem to be helping this situation one bit. Especially since it seems that your actions spell out ULTIMATUMS in capital letters. I am very certain of my feelings towards her, just trying to protect myself from something that is starting to not feel right, mostly from her end...not to drag this thread on anymore than it has already. The ball is in her court, it's been in her court. So why is it so wrong for me to want to kinda die things down? When it feels right again I would gladly pick up right where we left off...that's all.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I am very certain of my feelings towards her, just trying to protect myself from something that is starting to not feel right, mostly from her end...not to drag this thread on anymore than it has already. The ball is in her court, it's been in her court. So why is it so wrong for me to want to kinda die things down? When it feels right again I would gladly pick up right where we left off...that's all. Why you ask? Because you might be giving her the impression that you're sending out mixed signals. You've said that you've been putting in your effort, and have voiced your concerns constantly, and now that you've just completely want to let things die down. I mean I understand your position, and yes, the ball is definitely in her court. But I don't recommend that you worry yourself over the whole thing, because then you'll start feeling resentment that she's being quiet and/or haven't contacted you. Then you'll start going on about running from the relationship, etc. It'll become a cycle. If she's busy let her be. Go out yourself, and have fun. Relationships are casual, and it doesn't warrant that you worry yourself about it so much. I'm sure when she's free, she will definitely call you.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Alright I get where your coming from.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 SG is right. Ebel, despite you saying that you're not putting a rush into things, I noticed from your posts that you're trying to force the hand of an issue here that does not seem to be relative, only that your concerns are so much so that you're making it a problem. What I see from an outsiders point of view, is that you've had too much of a head start into this "race" and had not waited for your SO to fully prepare herself to meet you at the halfway point. I understand that you're frustrated, but who wouldn't be, when it seems that you're the only one putting in an effort? But she's only human. I'm sure she's suffered her fair share of disappointments, and it's only understandable that she's trying her hardest to incorporate you into her life, while balancing the hectic schedule that she has. From what you've written about her, I don't get the sense that she's trying to see things from an "optional" point, and her feelings seem entirely sincere. Note, that you've said yourself that you wanted her, wanted a relationship with her, but was already at this point, willing to jump ship. Why are you questioning her feelings, while you're not ever certain of yours? Your being lukewarm, hot, and now indifferent doesn't seem to be helping this situation one bit. Especially since it seems that your actions spell out ULTIMATUMS in capital letters. Papercuts....I kinda re-read over this last night....and your very right . I think more than anything my worrying has made this into a bigger problem than it really is and I can really see where my actions can feel like an ultimatum. If I had better game with women, I would know not to fall so hard for a girl (seems to be my pattern) and keep it casual. I wish I could of opened up my eyes to this a little earlier. I'm a sucker when I get caught up. I just hope it's not too late and that I haven't scared her off too much with how serious I have been getting.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Papercuts....I kinda re-read over this last night....and your very right . I think more than anything my worrying has made this into a bigger problem than it really is and I can really see where my actions can feel like an ultimatum. If I had better game with women, I would know not to fall so hard for a girl (seems to be my pattern) and keep it casual. I wish I could of opened up my eyes to this a little earlier. I'm a sucker when I get caught up. I just hope it's not too late and that I haven't scared her off too much with how serious I have been getting. I think it's safe to say that you haven't scared her off, as she hasn't done anything that suggests she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Your actions are normal, we as humans despite having so much, are still deprived of that one fundamental thing that makes us different from other creatures: the capacity to love and be loved in return. You were only following your heart and wishing for your feelings to be returned. Its understandable. Just try not to put pressure on her where therle should be none. At least give her a call wishing her a fun time with her mom and the baby showers.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Hey well I have been pretty chill since this thread and gaining all this insight from these responses. I mentioned to her (via email) that I felt a lil foolish to have been bringing up so many of my worries to her and hoped that she hasn't felt pressured from it all, and apologized if I wasn't acting like myself. She responded back with: "you're super sweet. you don't have to apologize. i kinda understand where you're coming from. i like hanging out with you. i am taking everything in very slowly and i am very comfortable with that and you. i hope to see you this coming weekend. if you still want, i would love to go to monterey or somewhere with nice weather and just chill. maybe bring a bottle of champagne and just sit there.i miss the beach and nice weather and of course you. :)" That was very nice to hear in response... I responded back saying that I knew of this awesome beach that i would want to take her to instead of our original plans to Monterey and that i was looking forward to seeing her. She responded back with (keep in mind these are the actual emails...excuse her grammar a lil): "hey maybe change of plan. haha. my co-worker and i are doing this detox thing for 10 days. its our first day today so i guess we'll see how long i will last. i won't be able to drink any alcohol or eat for those days except what is on the cleansing detox plan. i am excited. i've never been able to have the will power to do anything like this so if i even last for 7 days i will be happy. i still want to see you. i just don't know if i will have the power to reject a glass of champagne. the beach sounds amazing. i have to look at a house in sf on saturday and than i don't have anything on sunday. also i was thinking if there weather is as nice as it is today for this weekend you can come here and we can go take a walk at the wharf or something mellow because i don't know how much energy i will have as this detox progresses. i miss you and i can't wait to see you. i will call you later. i called in sick today because the landlord was really loud upstairs and i havne't been able to sleep the whole day. its would just be too dangerous for me to go to work. plus i am exhausted from all those partying. i'm ready to clean my intestine and maybe when you see me next, i will be less cranky. hahaha. muah." hahaha sorry...towards the end makes me kinda laugh (she came from Thailand when she was 9, her Enlgish is actually very good, but lacks when it's on paper) anyhow...I think its safe to say that she's very upfront about everything with me...but nonetheless... I swear everytime we have plans, lately it just seems little things just seem to come up our plans always get trimmed to just maybe a short "day-visit". You may think I am just reading into things too much. But I just don't understand how this girl will party her ass off with her gf's on her days off, and when it comes to me - I'm getting just a fraction of her time maybe once every 2-3 weeks. To me I can't help but to think otherwise about where this is all going (trust me it's not overly obsessive either, I just have these questions floating in my head)...I'm not going to run off or start acting indifferent, but I cant help but to really feed into what Tan has been saying. I also start to wonder if this is just the mother-load of being strung along...I mean damn...can a girl really go that out of her way to make something seem right to the SO? Is this just the sweetest way to shrug someone off their shoulders? Am I just one big ol' sucker?! haha Ladies...? Do these words sound like honest words? Or is something rotten in ...Denmark? Is that the right expression? hahahha I'm blinded from getting making my own judgements at this point, because i have never been in a situation/ relationship like this. I'm really in good spirits about this, despite my concerns...just thought I could hear some input from the wonderful peeps of LS again.
Star Gazer Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Ya know, E. This girl is really, really confusing - but you already knew that! I think she's still very interested, but admittedly she doesn't seem as invested as you are... and frankly, she seems quite ditzy. I know you really like her a hell of a whole lot, but have you asked yourself what she really offers you as a relationship partner? I mean, the girl (who's a nurse!) is putting an unsafe 10-day liquid detox diet ahead of spending quality time with you now...
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 sheeeit you know what I mean??? Why do you think I'm bashing my head in over this?! It's very confusing to me, and one second I feel like I want to GTF out! The next I think I'm being overly inpatient and not very understanding. I am a very level-headed invidual for the most part when it comes to a relationship, and I try to be very understanding of things given the circumstances. This is just really hard for me to deal with - and yes I do ask myself that... I really don't have a hard time just dropping something when it doesn't feel right...but this one is just retarded. I don't want to feel like I let her get away, more so let myself get away.... funny though huh? she still wants to hang out, but your right...how the hell does detox just pop-up and poof hinder our plans. I'm still going to give this an honest shot...but it's just getting tough and friggin hillarious at the same time!
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