NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I feel guilty, very guilty. And I KNOW that my bf was turning around a bit on Sat and Sun (his post was written Thurs night) as I can feel it. I can feel him not only putting in effort, but that he was actually regaining feelings for me. In fact, when he found out about the breakup and the new guy, he told me explicitly 'i was regaining feelings for you, things were improving, and I thought we had a chance to possibly make it work.' My bf is a good person. He really is. And deep inside, I know he still had feelings for me....they were just suppressed. I'm trying my best to stop hating on myself, but it's so hard not to with all this cr*p I put him through. I will try my best to not contact him again. Don't hate yourself. Again, everyone makes mistakes. Cheating can hurt the cheater, too! I think you may be finding this out the hard way! In the end, though, you're not the victim here. Break it off with him, tell him your sincerely sorry you hurt him, and go hang out with your 6'1" friend. Whatever you do, apologize. Many may not agree, but it does and will make a difference to him if you acknowledge you were wrong, even if you don't work it out.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 StarGazer and NuTuDating, with all due repsect I disagree with both of you. She has not crossed boundaries of a PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP. It is natural when one realtionship is ending to start being more open to other options. That's all she did.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 My bf is a good person. He really is. And deep inside, I know he still had feelings for me....they were just suppressed. I'm trying my best to stop hating on myself, but it's so hard not to with all this cr*p I put him through. I will try my best to not contact him again. Fray - It doesn't matter if he had feelings for you anymore, you really didn't have feelings for him, which you've posted (and then recanted) repeatedly throughout this thread. Be honest - you really were over him, probably just not sure what to do next. So stop hating yourself - actually you need to start loving yourself - which is something you will learn in therapy. A start might be just doing one single thing, really, really well. Something that will make you proud of yourself - even if you are the only one who knows about it. That thing would be to completely let him go. Maintain NC. Pat yourself on the back each and every time you overcome the urge to call him.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 StarGazer and NuTuDating, with all due repsect I disagree with both of you. She has not crossed boundaries of a PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP. It is natural when one realtionship is ending to start being more open to other options. That's all she did. Blue eyed girl I would agree with you - Fray did not necessarily do anything wrong with the new friend. HOWEVER in her fit of anger, she told her bf that she had been seeing another guy and that was wrong. 1. it was a lie 2. it was done spitefully 3. the only intent she had at that moment was to hurt him What on earth is acceptable about that?
curiousnycgirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Whatever you do, apologize. Many may not agree, but it does and will make a difference to him if you acknowledge you were wrong, even if you don't work it out. NuTuDating - she has already apologized and to tell the truth it is unlikely he will believe her. Not sure if you have been following this entire thread, coupled with Fray's other threads - but in a nutshell, he deserves to be left alone and allowed to heal.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Don't hate yourself. Again, everyone makes mistakes. Cheating can hurt the cheater, too! I think you may be finding this out the hard way! In the end, though, you're not the victim here. Break it off with him, tell him your sincerely sorry you hurt him, and go hang out with your 6'1" friend. Whatever you do, apologize. Many may not agree, but it does and will make a difference to him if you acknowledge you were wrong, even if you don't work it out. I did call him to apologize today at about 3pm. It now 7:30pm here. I posted this earlier and this is what I wrote: I became self destructive and txted my bf 3 hours ago telling him i feel very sorry and miserable right now. He didnt reply. 30 mins later I called him to tell him the truth via voicemail. When we broke up he assumed I dumped him for the new guy because he doesnt know that I'm not dating that guy anymore. But I told him the truth, which is I told the new guy that I had a bf that day. I told him that I never mean to hurt him, that I have a problem and he knows it, and that I hate that I hurt the one I love, that I hate hurting him which is why i have to let him go. I have to let everyone go, including the new guy. I told him I'm going to be alone to get better and see my therapist. I told him that i will be alone for however long it takes to heal myself. He never called me back and I dont want him to. Just want to know he heard my voicemail so that he knows the truth about how I feel about him. What do you think about what I said to him? I said this after I started to regret what I did and stopped wanting to hurt him for hurting me. In fact, I just want him to hurt less right now.
Kamille Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I think what she did is paramount to cheating considering that she kept mentionning it on here as a possible out to her current relationship. But I think that's the least of her worries. She really needs to learn to find balance within herself (damn I sound like a yoga instructor). I wish she would stop "hating" herself because to me it's pretty obvious this sentiment is not the result of everything that happened, but the cause of it. It's also keeping her in a very unhealthy dynamic where she gives up on herself, hurls herself into a whirlwind of self hate, instead of taking a moment to take stock, take responsibility, think through what the best way to move foward is and then learn from it. No, she just sits there and wallows in self-pity and self-hate which means she also believes only her ex-boyfriend can redeem her. She's just not taking responsibility for her own emotions, her own well-being. And I think this is where she needs help: taking responsibility for her actions in a constructive, non self destructive way. She does understand she hurt him. In fact, the better she understands that, the more she can punish herself and keep herself down. The more she is likely to reproduce exactly the same pattern over again. Fray, I'm happy you have an appointment with a therapist this Friday. Please believe in your own power to heal yourself.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 StarGazer and NuTuDating, with all due repsect I disagree with both of you. She has not crossed boundaries of a PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP. It is natural when one realtionship is ending to start being more open to other options. That's all she did. Again, she might not have crossed the line physically, but she did mentally. There's really no difference. The fact that she stated she had to hide this (or these) meetings says it all. Again, I'm not saying this because I'm a guy or a saint. I'm saying it because it's true.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 (edited) I feel guilty, very guilty. And I KNOW that my bf was turning around a bit on Sat and Sun (his post was written Thurs night) as I can feel it. I can feel him not only putting in effort, but that he was actually regaining feelings for me. In fact, when he found out about the breakup and the new guy, he told me explicitly 'i was regaining feelings for you, things were improving, and I thought we had a chance to possibly make it work.' My bf is a good person. He really is. And deep inside, I know he still had feelings for me....they were just suppressed. I'm trying my best to stop hating on myself, but it's so hard not to with all this cr*p I put him through. I will try my best to not contact him again. Now you are getting deluded. Someone's feelings don't just return in 2 days. It is perhaps easier for you now to put all the blame on yourself because if it's all your fault then you can fix it. The truth is, it's over, you can't fix it and now you are beating up the dead horse. Despite your faults there are some things about your bf that triggered your insecurities (his dislike for regular contact for instance) and you are just not compatible. If you keep contacting him you might end up with a restraining order. Edited March 11, 2008 by BlueEyedGirl
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Now you are getting deluded. Someone's feelings don't just return in 2 days. It is perhaps easier for you now to put all the blame on yourself because if it's all your fault then you can fix it. The truth is, it's over, you can't fix it and now you are beating up the dead horse. Despite your faults there are some things about your bf that triggered your insecurities (his dislike for regular contact for instance) and you are just not compatible. If you keep contacting him might end up with a restraining order. This much I do agree with. No sense in beating a dead horse. If you're not compatible, break up and move on.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Also, even though some of us disagree on the cheating matter, we ALL think that you should stay the hell away from this guy.
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 (edited) HOWEVER in her fit of anger, she told her bf that she had been seeing another guy and that was wrong. 1. it was a lie 2. it was done spitefully 3. the only intent she had at that moment was to hurt him What on earth is acceptable about that? I still think it WAS cheating, but your point is equally compelling. Now you are getting deluded. Someone's feelings don't just return in 2 days. It is perhaps easier for you now to put all the blame on yourself because if it's all your fault then you can fix it. The truth is, it's over, you can't fix it and now you are beating up the dead horse. Despite your faults there are some things about your bf that triggered your insecurities (his dislike for regular contact for instance) and you are just not compatible. If you keep contacting him you might end up with a restraining order. THIS I do agree with, BEG. Edited March 12, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Okay... he's a jerk. Have you read the rest of that thread, Fray? He speaks of Craigslist revenge and has posted your picture.
Citizen Erased Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Okay... he's a jerk. Have you read the rest of that thread, Fray? He speaks of Craigslist revenge and has posted your picture. Uh yeah. It was really easy to find that thread of his. He's annoyed about the other guy, but it is no need to be such a dick. DO NOT have any contact with this guy. He has no positive intentions when it comes to you now, and you two are far better off without each other. I'm sorry it has fallen apart like this, but you need to leave him alone now, not just for his sake, but your own.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Now you are getting deluded. Someone's feelings don't just return in 2 days. It is perhaps easier for you now to put all the blame on yourself because if it's all your fault then you can fix it. The truth is, it's over, you can't fix it and now you are beating up the dead horse. Despite your faults there are some things about your bf that triggered your insecurities (his dislike for regular contact for instance) and you are just not compatible. If you keep contacting him you might end up with a restraining order. Why the hell then would he tell me when we broke up that he thought things were improving, that he was regaining feelings, and that he thought there was a chance? Was he just trying to make me feel guitly? I just dont' get it !??!?!??! Please, can someone explain, I NEED TO KNOW! I know you all say it doesnt matter, but it matters to ME! thanks.
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Why the hell then would he tell me when we broke up that he thought things were improving, that he was regaining feelings, and that he thought there was a chance? Was he just trying to make me feel guitly? I just dont' get it !??!?!??! Please, can someone explain, I NEED TO KNOW! I know you all say it doesnt matter, but it matters to ME! thanks. He doesn't understand why you would tell him you had been hanging out with someone else either. Why would you say that? To make him feel bad? The "whys" just don't matter anymore, Fray. Your relationship is not something that can be repaired at this point. You need to let him go, move on, and work on YOURSELF. Take responsibility for YOUR actions and YOUR emotions.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 People think with their head and their heart. Sometimes the two don't agree. If he really IS a nice guy, then the idiotic craigslist thing is a defense mechanism, a response to anger, etc. It's not a good response by him whatever the case may be. It's entirely probable that he has some serious feelings for you but he's been hurt and is a little conflicted. His brain is telling him that he's going to get hurt again and his heart is telling him he still has feelings for you. It's still best that you end it and move on.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Uh yeah. It was really easy to find that thread of his. He's annoyed about the other guy, but it is no need to be such a dick. DO NOT have any contact with this guy. He has no positive intentions when it comes to you now, and you two are far better off without each other. I'm sorry it has fallen apart like this, but you need to leave him alone now, not just for his sake, but your own. I know I"m really pissed he posted a pic of me after saying all those negative things about me. How do you think I can get my pic off that site without contacting my bf to do so?
Citizen Erased Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I know I"m really pissed he posted a pic of me after saying all those negative things about me. How do you think I can get my pic off that site without contacting my bf to do so? Perhaps contact the moderators? You may have to join to do so, but send them a message saying you do not give permission for your photo to be on their forum, and as it is not even keeping in tone with the purpose of the forum in the first place, you would like it removed. You weren't the one who posted it so I don't see why there should be a problem in removing it.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 NuTuDating and SG - I know that this is over and I have to move on, but part of it is also closure. I know it doesnt matter whether he had feelings for me or not, but it is part of my closure process. I just feel like I need to understand how he really feels about me. Either way, it's over, but I just need to know.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Yep, send one of the moderators a nice e-mail asking them to remove it. They should remove it in a flash if you ask.
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 NuTuDating and SG - I know that this is over and I have to move on, but part of it is also closure. I know it doesnt matter whether he had feelings for me or not, but it is part of my closure process. I just feel like I need to understand how he really feels about me. Either way, it's over, but I just need to know. But you're not going to get it, Fray. This is part of the growth process: You will NEVER get "closure" from someone else. You have to find it within yourself.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 But you're not going to get it, Fray. This is part of the growth process: You will NEVER get "closure" from someone else. You have to find it within yourself. This is the exact truth. Learned it the hard way myself.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Am I deluded if I say I like to believe and actually do believe that really deep inside that my bf has never actually lost feelings for me? He might have suppressed them, but he never actually lost it for me. Or am I just thinking what I'm thinking to ease the pain? I just hate the idea of me having sex with him and spending all this time with him while to him I"m just a friend/f*ck buddy-like girl. That may be the truth thought. It hurts like hell.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I doubt that you were just a sex buddy. Remember where he's posting and who he's talking to. Lots of testosterone there and he's acting macho now. He probably did have real feelings for you until he found out you met someone else. Now he's saving face.
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