lino Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 This has nothing to do with love it is just a matter of being a mature adult and treating someone else with a little respect. If I were with someone, it doesn't matter if I love them or not but I would still maintain a basic respect for their person and feelings. very well said.
Lishy Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Well Fray the only adice I can offer is to not call him and dont answer his calls. I hope you are ok though xx
Author fray718 Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 (edited) I returned his call this morning and while I didnt tell him I read what he wrote, I told him that I can feel he just wasnt in it anymore and that I tried so hard to make it work but it just seemed so pointless. I told him everyday Im with him that my heart breaks over and over again. He told me that he's really angry and hurt by what I did because he was starting to feel for me again and he thought things were improving and that we had a chance. He said he can tell I was trying very hard and he felt betrayed by what I did. I actually knew things were improving when I broke up with him yesterday (based on the huge improvment on Sat and Sun over Thurs night) but it just got to the point where eventhough I knew, I still needed to break up with him. I'm just not with him for the right reasons...I no longer saw him as long term potential and it just seemed pointless to drag it out. In return, I told him that I felt betrayed too. I told him I was naive and thought he would stick it through hard times with me and my mood swings while I got therapy and while the side effects of the BC pill subsided (doctor said I might have mood swings for first 3 months), but I was disappointed when he no longer wanted to be in it with me. Truth was, if he was willing to be in it with me, I would have pushed through with anything that came our way (I didnt tell him this but it's really how I felt). But I just lost faith in the r/s and in him. I just lost everything I guess. I told him that I just want to start fresh again, that I didn't feel the sparks anymore and that whatever we had is now gone. He got mad at me still for going out with that other guy and he said that he originally had a good feeling bout me and thought that even if things didnt work out that we could have still been friends, but not anymore because of what I did. I just told him there would have been no way we could ever just be friends if we broke up for any reason. His last words were...'well i hope you solve your problems first before you jump into another relationship...so that you don't screw up another guy's life'.....He is absolutely right, that is partially why I let my new friend go. Edited March 10, 2008 by fray718
curiousnycgirl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Fray - I am so glad you are going to take the time to work on you - I only hope you stick with that committment.
Author fray718 Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 I just cant believe what I put this guy through....I just don't even want to imagine the amount of hurt/pain he is in right now. I just remember how he repeated twice 'i just feel so hurt' I just want to go home and crash into my bed right now and just cease to function
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 There is one thing I just dont understand. Just on Thurs night my bf told me he still feels nothing for me and he even posted it on his msg board (so it's obviously true and not just him bluffing). But when in just a matter of 3 days, when I break up with him, why does he claim to be 'so hurt'? How can he be hurt if he doesnt feel for me anymore? Has anyone been in this same situation and can explain it to me? Has anyone not feel anything for someone anymore but once that person breaks up with them their feelings come back? Is my ex bf hurt because he feels rejected? Or is it because all those feelings that he has suppressed...just came back? Is it possible that he doesnt mean that he doesnt feel for me anymore? And just that he SUPPRESSED those feelings? I just need answers for closure so I can have a peace of mind. This is all so hard to comprehend.
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Regardless of whether we have feelings for someone, none of us wants to be disrespected by being cheated on. It sucks no matter the situation. But what I expect hurts your Ex in this instance is that you told him you loved him and then cheated on him. It will be very difficult for him to trust another girl now.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 (edited) Regardless of whether we have feelings for someone, none of us wants to be disrespected by being cheated on. It sucks no matter the situation. But what I expect hurts your Ex in this instance is that you told him you loved him and then cheated on him. It will be very difficult for him to trust another girl now. I dont think I cheated on him. I hung out with the guy as friends and never even kissed him. But I did lie to my ex bf. That is what I feel really ****ty about. Actually I never told him I loved him since we got back together that third time. He didnt tell me he loved me either. But I did try really hard to make it work. And I guess the fact that I tried so very hard only to read what he wrote about me on the msg board just hurt me like hell. That is prob one thing that I have to take alot of time to recover from. I regret telling my ex bf about my new friend. Even he asked me why I had to tell him, and why cant i just leave it be as a breakup. My bf doesnt deserve this. I feel so crappy right now that I just dont know what to do with myself. I became self destructive and txted my bf 3 hours ago telling him i feel very sorry and miserable right now. He didnt reply. 30 mins later I called him to tell him the truth via voicemail. When we broke up he assumed I dumped him for the new guy because he doesnt know that I'm not dating that guy anymore. But I told him the truth, which is I told the new guy that I had a bf that day. I told him that I never mean to hurt him, that I have a problem and he knows it, and that I hate that I hurt the one I love, that I hate hurting him which is why i have to let him go. I have to let everyone go, including the new guy. I told him I'm going to be alone to get better and see my therapist. I told him that i will be alone for however long it takes to heal myself. He never called me back and I dont want him to. Just want to know he heard my voicemail so that he knows the truth about how I feel about him. But since I lied to him, I dont know if he'll beleive me. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for all this. Edited March 11, 2008 by fray718
curiousnycgirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 About 30 mins later I texted him that I lied about going out with friends to skating, and that I actually went out with a guy instead and that I just feel really guilty about it. He replied 7 mins later 'ok, guess that makes the breakup easier.' Then 30 mins later he txted me asking how long i've been going out with the guy and I wanted badly to ignore his txt but then I replied back an hour later telling him. He replied 2 mins later asking 'why didn't u just end it instead of going round my back?' and I just replied that I don't know and that i'm really sorry. He replied 2 mins later 'yea that's pretty lame. I thought u were better than that. I was wrong' Fray - You told your ex bf that you cheated on him - you told us so in your words above. You did not say I went and hung out with a guy friend, you said you went with a guy - how else could he have taken it? Please, Pleaes, PLEASE leave him alone now. You have hurt him so much that my heart is breaking for him. It's over, let it be and work on yourself.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 (edited) I dont think I cheated on him. I hung out with the guy as friends and never even kissed him. But I did lie to my ex bf. That is what I feel really ****ty about. You cheated. Cheating does not require any physical intimacy. Everyone makes mistakes, but you should feel ****ty. Next time, just end it with someone before you ever even meet someone else for a "date" or to "hang out". You have no idea how this crushes someone - for a long time. 1) He will hurt for a long time - years maybe. 2) He will question everyone else he dates after you. This is not fair to some lovely women he meets later on. 3) You've damaged his self esteem far worse than a breakup would have. He may not realize this at first, but he will. Edited March 11, 2008 by NuTuDating
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 You cheated. Cheating does not require any physical intimacy. Everyone makes mistakes, but you should feel ****ty. Next time, just end it with someone before you ever even meet someone else for a "date" or to "hang out". You have no idea how this crushes someone - for a long time. 1) He will hurt for a long time - years maybe. 2) He will question everyone else he dates after you. This is not fair to some lovely women he meets later on. 3) You've damaged his self esteem far worse than a breakup would have. He may not realize this at first, but he will. I've never been cheated on. Have you? Why would it hurt for so long? I feel like stabbing myself right now. Because I honesty have no idea how he feels right now. What does it feel like?!?!? I want to die!!!!!
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 The more you contact him, the more you will hurt him. I know you're not a cruel person Fray, so please stop.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I've never been cheated on. Have you? Why would it hurt for so long? I feel like stabbing myself right now. Because I honesty have no idea how he feels right now. What does it feel like?!?!? I want to die!!!!! Well, don't go doing anything like that! It's definitely not worth doing anything drastic. And there's no reason to stay with him if you're not in love, so don't get back with him because you feel guilty. You'll just be unhappy and he'll be unhappy. I married young. We "waited til we were married" and all of that good stuff. We didn't even have sex the wedding night. I didn't know why. Three months later, when she left, I was destroyed. Thought there was something that I did wrong. Turns out she met someone while we were engaged and was seeing him while I was working my ass off 15 hours a day. It's truly deeply hurtful. Depending on how he's wired, and how long you've been dating, it can really cause some serious emotional issues for him down the road. It's like rejection x1000. If I go out with a girl that I'm interested in, and she turns out NOT to be interested, it's pretty disappointing. But you get over it quickly and move on. Multiply that by a 1000 and you might come close. Add to that the dishonesty, and he will feel stupid in addition to being hurt. Like I said, he'll feel like he's less than human, that he's not worthy of anyone's love since you betrayed his so easily. He may or may not have trust issues for a long time with other people. And the emotional pain can manifest itself physically. All of this I experienced almost 7 years ago. It still bothers me today - faintly. The fact that the guy she cheated on me with dumped her a month after we separated wasn't even much consolation. It makes you feel undesirable and used. It's much better and decent to break up with someone before you start a new relationship. What I WOULD do is apologize to him sincerely. Acknowledge that you hurt him and that you're sorry. That will mean something later on for him, even if it seems too late or insignificant. There's nothing worse than being cheated on and then having the girl try and justify it somehow or to act like she's done nothing wrong. It just makes things worse. Apologize, and move on. He will, too.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Fray, Stop beating yourself up. You haven't cheated. You have not done anything with that new guy and even told him you have a boyfriend. Sure, you haven't told the ex bf about hanging out with the new guy but you have only done this when you have sensed that your relationship with the bf was beyond repair. You were aware that it's basically over. Given what the ex bf has posted on that message board - I think that it's his ego that hurts the most. I have had men dump me and then get upset that I have started dating someone new straight away. I actually think that the reason you told your ex bf about the new guy was because you were hurt by what you read on the message board and you wanted to hurt him back - this is a natural reaction. That's why you didn't immediatly mention that nothing actually happened with the guy. You didn't destroy your relationship on purpose, you are inexperienced and insecure and what's done is done. You now need to take care of yourself, forget apologizing to the ex bf or judging yourself so harshly.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Fray, Stop beating yourself up. You haven't cheated. You have not done anything with that new guy and even told him you have a boyfriend. Sure, you haven't told the ex bf about hanging out with the new guy but you have only done this when you have sensed that your relationship with the bf was beyond repair. You were aware that it's basically over. Given what the ex bf has posted on that message board - I think that it's his ego that hurts the most. I have had men dump me and then get upset that I have started dating someone new straight away. I actually think that the reason you told your ex bf about the new guy was because you were hurt by what you read on the message board and you wanted to hurt him back - this is a natural reaction. That's why you didn't immediatly mention that nothing actually happened with the guy. You didn't destroy your relationship on purpose, you are inexperienced and insecure and what's done is done. You now need to take care of yourself, forget apologizing to the ex bf or judging yourself so harshly. I don't see how someone can justify being with someone else emotionally as not cheating. It's cheating. It's just about as painful when the other person finds out. It's completely different than seeing a hot girl or guy and thinking you'd like to jump his bones. Even if she didn't kiss him, she went to see him. That's cheating. If you're aware it's "basically over" then end it and THEN move on.
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I don't see how someone can justify being with someone else emotionally as not cheating. It's cheating. It's just about as painful when the other person finds out. It's completely different than seeing a hot girl or guy and thinking you'd like to jump his bones. Even if she didn't kiss him, she went to see him. That's cheating. If you're aware it's "basically over" then end it and THEN move on. I agree. She spent time with her "new friend" with romantic intentions. She wouldn't have felt badly about it if it wasn't inappropriate.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I don't see how someone can justify being with someone else emotionally as not cheating. It's cheating. It's just about as painful when the other person finds out. It's completely different than seeing a hot girl or guy and thinking you'd like to jump his bones. Even if she didn't kiss him, she went to see him. That's cheating. If you're aware it's "basically over" then end it and THEN move on. Yeah, in the perfect world we would all end our relationships before we even thought about someone new. But this is not the perfect world. I hate how people on here act like saints - real life is a lot different than that. How can you say that she had an emotional connection with someone she hang out twice? WTF? You need to know someone for a LOT longer than that. I'm sorry that your wife chated on you but I hope that you realize that your situation was a lot different than this.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I agree. She spent time with her "new friend" with romantic intentions. She wouldn't have felt badly about it if it wasn't inappropriate. Her bf has lost his feelings for her. He itended to break up with her. He has NO right to be this upset. It would have been a lot different if he was deeply in love, everything was peachy and she hang out with someone behind his back.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Yeah, in the perfect world we would all end our relationships before we even thought about someone new. But this is not the perfect world. I hate how people on here act like saints - real life is a lot different than that. How can you say that she had an emotional connection with someone she hang out twice? WTF? You need to know someone for a LOT longer than that. I'm sorry that your wife chated on you but I hope that you realize that your situation was a lot different than this. If you get to the point where you would entertain the idea of seeing someone else, you're done. End it. Sure, it's NOT a perfect world and that's why people CHEAT. It's still cheating, perfect world or not. For instance, I'm pretty into the girl I'm dating. I could turn down any girl who asked me out right now, no problem. I wouldn't even think twice about it. Saint or no saint, perfect world or not, it's still cheating. That's a fact. If you "hang out" with someone and have to hide it, it's cheating. If you "hang out" with someone and feel guilty about it, it's revealing your true intentions, even if only to yourself. Cheating is cheating.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Her bf has lost his feelings for her. He itended to break up with her. He has NO right to be this upset. It would have been a lot different if he was deeply in love, everything was peachy and she hang out with someone behind his back. It really doesn't matter, being cheated on still does unnecessary damage.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 It really doesn't matter, being cheated on still does unnecessary damage. Yes but it hurts a lot more if you are in love with someone. I'm just amazed how people on here go on about damage she has caused to this guy. I'm more worried about Fray causing damage to herself. This guy is going to forget all about this in a week.
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 BlueEyedGirl - with all due respect, I don't think you've paid attention to how things have been going here. Date #1 with the "new friend": I've been having doubts about whether I should post this cuz I fear chastising from everyone, but well there's this one guy I met during that short break up I had with my bf last week. It was so random and unexpected at a coffee shop. Anyway, he doesnt know I have a bf. I met up with him just on Tuesday night for some coffee and desert after work. He's well very different from my bf -- my bf is mellow, 5'7, awkward -- while this guy is 6'1", very animated like me (and I mean I'm an INCREDIBLY animated person when I talk so to alot of people it's funny how I'm with my bf cuz my bf has the SAME expression all the time and is VERY mellow) and he's much more confidant and smart than my bf. Basically, 99% of the population would say he's a much better catch than my current bf, but then I dated my current bf because we had those magical sparks when we dated that probably only happens like once or twice in a lifetime. Well during the date this guy hinted that he's not into casual dating because he see's no point of it. Anyway, after the date, I 1) was disappointed because I didn't feel the sparks I had hoped for and 2) felt guilty, so I told the guy via email that I don't feel sparks but would like to hang out as friends. He replied saying that he had a great time with me but was saddened that I felt no sparks. He said that he doesn't expect sparks to be immediate and that it might take a few more dates. Anyway, after the incident last night with my bf I was so upset that I emailed this guy back and told him that he's probably right and that it should take a few more dates for sparks to happen, but that I guess a part of me was hoping it just to be at first sight (like it felt with my current bf -- though ofcourse I didnt' mention the bf part in my email). Plus I'm like on the brink of 'cheating' right now. I feel so guilty but then when my bf pisses me off I i'm like 'f*ck it, Im going out with this guy!' Now things are starting to turn into shadowplay's thread, with a third person coming into the picture. I find myself thinking and fantasizing about him alot though...I have this gut feeling like I'd probably lose both my bf and this guy and be utterly miserable in the end of it all. My new friend and I are going ice skating this Sunday... But now, I'm actually kind of excited about my new friend. I told him I prefer to start as friends and take it slow and he agreed to it and he said that he felt alot of connection and attraction between us so we'll see. In fact, I felt it too. And with him, I feel like I'm happy again and there is hope. I look at his facebook pic like every 30 minutes and I stored the pic of me and my bf away in some distant file. The butterflies are back again. I don't know what that means... So at 1pm I met up with my new friend and I offered to pay for the ice skating of course and he was a bit surprised and said 'are you sure?'. Then as we started putting on our skates I confessed that I got back with my bf (I had thought about telling him for days and finally decided I should as I just felt so guilty about hiding it). When we walked out of the skating rink, I was waiting to see if he'd ask for us to go grab desert, but of course he just said 'well thank you for coming' and I thanked him back. He reached out for a hug and said 'well, see you around...maybe' and we just said bye to each other and left. Thing is, I actually clicked really well with this new friend. But 90% of the reason why I can't date him is simply because he just seemed too goodlooking (he is incredibly cute, my bf is just average), he's tall (he's 6'1, my bf is 5'7), too smart, too funny, too cool. I know that's a dumb reason to not want to date someone (insecurity issues) but that's really the reason. The pain was killing me and the only way I could try to lessen the pain [for myself] was to try to make my bf feel for me again, even if it meant hurting him. I couldn't stand the idea of him just thinking of me as a friend and have no feelings for me. I wanted to make him feel hurt because I thought 'well if u see me as just a friend, then see if a friend can make you feel this way!' As much as some of you tell me I'm a good person, I'm not. I'm really not. About 30 mins later I texted him that I lied about going out with friends to skating, and that I actually went out with a guy instead and that I just feel really guilty about it. He replied 7 mins later 'ok, guess that makes the breakup easier.' Then 30 mins later he txted me asking how long i've been going out with the guy and I wanted badly to ignore his txt but then I replied back an hour later telling him. He replied 2 mins later asking 'why didn't u just end it instead of going round my back?' and I just replied that I don't know and that i'm really sorry. He replied 2 mins later 'yea that's pretty lame. I thought u were better than that. I was wrong' I'm sure to at least half of the LS membership, this amounts to cheating. At the very least, it's totally inappropriate behavior. Whether her BF loved her or not, it's wrong. Please Fray, just leave him alone. Do not contact him, do not pass go and collect $200. Just let him be.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 For me, what hurt me the most was that while I felt guilty about seeing my friend, I decided to end it before we got to kiss or whatever. It just feels like I chose him over my new friend by ending it with the friend, and I try my best to think positive and make it work, then I go home and read what he wrote about me, about how he see's me as a friend and nothing more at this point. It was the most emotionally painful moment of my life.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 BlueEyedGirl - with all due respect, we can agree to disagree. She cheated. No matter what this guy says to protect his ego (i.e. - I was going to break up with her anyway) he has been hurt more than he should have been. I would be preaching the same sermon if this was a guy doing this to a girl. It's not right no matter who is doing the cheating. He has EVERY right to be upset. Even if he was thinking about breaking up with her, he seems to still have been faithful.
Author fray718 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 BlueEyedGirl - with all due respect, we can agree to disagree. She cheated. No matter what this guy says to protect his ego (i.e. - I was going to break up with her anyway) he has been hurt more than he should have been. I would be preaching the same sermon if this was a guy doing this to a girl. It's not right no matter who is doing the cheating. He has EVERY right to be upset. Even if he was thinking about breaking up with her, he seems to still have been faithful. I feel guilty, very guilty. And I KNOW that my bf was turning around a bit on Sat and Sun (his post was written Thurs night) as I can feel it. I can feel him not only putting in effort, but that he was actually regaining feelings for me. In fact, when he found out about the breakup and the new guy, he told me explicitly 'i was regaining feelings for you, things were improving, and I thought we had a chance to possibly make it work.' My bf is a good person. He really is. And deep inside, I know he still had feelings for me....they were just suppressed. I'm trying my best to stop hating on myself, but it's so hard not to with all this cr*p I put him through. I will try my best to not contact him again.
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