He finally broke up with me!!!

[fray718]

How does your statement above, from one page ago, jive with what you typed immediately above stating that you feel the same attraction he does?

 

Frankly I am starting to think you might be OCD. Please do not let this new friend make you put therpay on the back burner!

 

I am very happy you are happy, but still am seeing huge red flags!

 

Lauriebelle who is a therapist did tell me I might (and ofcourse i'm not her patient so just a disclaimer here) have BPD. I researched it and saw that people with BPD can love someone one minute than absolutley hate them the next. I do that with my bf. So who knows, just maybe....

 

And thanks for reminding me to continue my search for a therapist. It's actually quite hard since I havent' been getting any call backs. I might try with the stanford guy even though he's male. Is that worth trying or should I just look for a female one? What ya think Lauriebelle?

[curiousnycgirl]

I am not Lauriebelle, nor am I a therapist, but I am in therapy, so I'll answer. I always thought I only wanted a woman - but ended up with a man. I do occassionally get uncomfortable discussing details about sex with him - but I find that getting the male perspective from him to be very helpful and far outweighs the limited discomfort.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know what that means...

 

It probably means you need to breakup with your BF for good this time. Don't you think?

[Star Gazer]

And thanks for reminding me to continue my search for a therapist. It's actually quite hard since I havent' been getting any call backs. I might try with the stanford guy even though he's male. Is that worth trying or should I just look for a female one? What ya think Lauriebelle?

 

You've previously expressed concern over transference, so I'd STRONGLY recommend sticking with your search for a female therapist...so keep trying!!

 

I'm actually really surprised you haven't received a return phone call. I called about 15, and every single one of them returned my call personally within 24 hours.

[fray718]

I don't know why I didn't get call backs actually. But I did only call the therapists who graduated from top medical schools and I know alot of em don't take new patients. Some explicitly specified in their voicemails that they aren't taking new patients...I didnt bother with them. Some didn't specify so I called those. And this stanford guy is the only one who said that he's taking new patients but he has very limited space. So I'm going to try him first to see and at the same time look for a female one to try out.

 

I feel sorry for myself, for my bf and now for my new friend. I hurt myself and those who 'sort of care' about me. I can totally see myself saying this to my new therapist.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know why I didn't get call backs actually. But I did only call the therapists who graduated from top medical schools and I know alot of em don't take new patients.

 

As far as I know, a therapist (MSW, LCSW) doesn't attend medical school. A psychiatrist does.

 

Try this: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

That's where I found mine before. Also, if you know of anyone in therapy who you trust, ask for a referral.

[fray718]

As far as I know, a therapist (MSW, LCSW) doesn't attend medical school. A psychiatrist does.

 

Try this: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

That's where I found mine before. Also, if you know of anyone in therapy who you trust, ask for a referral.

 

Oh gawd! No wonder! For cigna I do a search for 'psychiatrist' -- didnt see search keyword for therapist or anything else. Ugh! Oh well, thanks for the link.

[Star Gazer]

Oh gawd! No wonder! For cigna I do a search for 'psychiatrist' -- didnt see search keyword for therapist or anything else. Ugh! Oh well, thanks for the link.

 

There's probably a different search option if you're using your insurance company's website. You probably need to start someplace like here: http://apps.cignabehavioral.com/home.html#

[Citizen Erased]

2.5 years ago I dated a guy and when we broke up I couldn't date anyone for a year because the thought of anyone else disgusted me.

 

But now, I'm actually kind of excited about my new friend. I told him I prefer to start as friends and take it slow and he agreed to it and he said that he felt alot of connection and attraction between us so we'll see. In fact, I felt it too. And with him, I feel like I'm happy again and there is hope. I look at his facebook pic like every 30 minutes and I stored the pic of me and my bf away in some distant file. The butterflies are back again. I don't know what that means...

 

I texted my bf today 'Will prob be there after 6 tonight so get some sleep! :-)' and he replied back with 'k'.

 

When I think of my bf, I feel depressed. When I think of my new friend, I smile.

 

My opinion of you has gone down to about zero now. Do your boyfriend a favor and break up with him and leave him the hell alone.

 

Whatever your issues are, you have no right to jerk this guy around. You do not love him. You love having him around your little finger, have him on the backburner or whatever. You can't stand the thought of being alone, because the person you are turning into is not someone you want to be alone with.

[burning 4 revenge]

You can't stand the thought of being alone, because the person you are turning into is not someone you want to be alone with.

 

Is that line original? Pretty good if it is

[fray718]

Haha! It turns out not only is my bf NOT using me for sex, but he's actually LOSING interest in sex with me! Haha!

 

I went over to this place and we had dinner (I paid) and during dinner we talked like normal but aside from the kiss we had when I first saw him we didn't have any other romantic touching or anything. After dinner I went to the restroom and came out and he was in bed already as usual. I undressed as usual and hopped into bed and usually he'd start touching me but he didn't. I started stroking his hairy arm and asked if he was tired and he said yea and then I turned my body around to face the wall and he jokingly said 'you're touching my (arm) hair'. After 5 seconds I turned around and asked 'do you still like having sex with me?' and he put his hand on my forehead (not in a romantic or caressing way, more like he just put it there) right away and said 'yea, ofcourse.'

 

I then asked him whether he has regained any feeling for me or whether he's lost some...or whether it feels the same as last time. He said 'it feels pretty much the same as before.' I said 'well i guess it's only been a week' and then asked 'so if after a month, u don't regain feelings for me, is that just going to be it.' He didn't say anything and there was silence for a few minutes. Then I said 'guess that's a yes' and he said 'probably, yea.' Then I said 'so is there even a point of this? Even if I don't complain or do anything wrong for a month? Honestly, is there a point of all this? Honestly?'

 

He didn't say anything for a minute then said 'well i figured it's worth trying...at least for awhile.' I felt semi-relieved. Then I said 'well, as long as there's hope. If you tell me that it's worth it, then there's some hope.'

 

I then said (in retrospect I feel retarded for saying this) and smiled 'after all, it's not everyday you meet someone you think you can spend the rest of your life with' and he said 'yea' and then I said 'sometimes it takes years, if you're lucky' and smiled and he said 'yea'. I think my bf is afraid to tell me the truth. He said its worth trying only because he can't break the truth to me. But I know the truth. I know it's hopeless.

 

Then I told him goodnight, that i'm leaving now, i kissed him on the lips and left. As I drove home, I just cried all the way. Every moment with my bf or that I spend thinking of my bf breaks my heart.

 

Here I was saying i'm going to take Kamille's advice to let it run its course then doing this stupid questioning of my bf again and pressuring him. AH!

Edited March 7, 2008 by fray718

[Walk]

Your bf is scared shytless of getting hurt again. He's closed himself off in an attempt to protect his heart.

 

If you want this to work, then you've got to be stronger. You have to hold all the hope that you two can turn this around. He's scared. He doesn't have much hope right now. You were asking him to reassure you that things would work, and he CAN'T give you that. You need to give him hope, you need to be the stronger person in all this. You wanted the month to turn the relationship around, and give the two of you a shot. But YOU have to make it happen. Its all on your shoulders.

 

I see myself in you when you post, and I know how incredibly difficult it is to want something and feel so scared it won't work out. You're bf wouldn't have agreed to this if he didn't want to. Look at the bigger picture. There are a lot of things your bf is doing that say he wants this to work too. He spends time with you, he offers to drop things he's doing for you, he wants you around. I'm sure you could find a 100 other things he does that show he wants to make this work IF you'd just look around. Right now you're only seeing negatives. Its not all negative. Specifically look for the positives that are happening and pull your strength from that. When you start to feel aggitated and scared that this won't work, take a deep breath and think about the things he's done for you.

 

Don't second guess him after he's just spent the evening with you. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't want you there. You're basically telling him you don't trust him. When you asked him for the month, you committed to having to do all the work. His only part in this is to allow you to do the work. You dug your own hole, and now you have to dig your way out.

 

You're a good person Fray. You have some issues that can be resolved with some help. And you have a lot to offer a person if you would release those insecurities you have.

[Lishy]

Oh Fray!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I really do not know what to say other than I wish I could cast a spell on you for all of your insecurities to go - You are pushing him further away with the way you throw questions at him and that will in turn, turn him off of you.

 

You need to stop trying so hard and just be natural - And you also need to consider the fact that too much damage may have been done, I am sorry to say that Fray.

 

Walk has given you some great advice (as always)and you should really listen to her as she knows what she is talking about

 

x

[lino]

and then asked 'so if after a month, u don't regain feelings for me, is that just going to be it.' He didn't say anything and there was silence for a few minutes. Then I said 'guess that's a yes' and he said 'probably, yea.' Then I said 'so is there even a point of this? Even if I don't complain or do anything wrong for a month? Honestly, is there a point of all this? Honestly?'

 

this method you keep using of trying to get him to guarantee you that he'll stay with you won't work, EVER.

seriously just forget this guy. You found a new one, break up with your current bf (for the LAST time), start fresh with new guy & try not to make the mistakes you made with your current guy.

 

like I said in my last post you really are way past the point of no return with your current bf. way too much damage has been done

[Ocean-Blue]

Fray:

 

I've had a few "minor" bumps along the way with my bf (if you read my recent thread, you'll get what I'm talking about).

 

I can honestly tell you that if you yourself don't want to work it out...if your bf isn't someone that is important to you, you can't make it work. From what I've read, it seems like your boyfriend is just filling some void. He could be anyone. I don't think bodes well for your R.

 

I suggest you sit down and seriously consider if this is someone you want in your life. Don't stay with him b/c you're lonely... It's not fair to you nor is it fair to him.

[fray718]

Walk - I greatly appreciate your advice. I know you are right in that I'm too negative and insecure. I told my friend that sometimes I feel so tormented and trapped that I don't know how to cope. My question is, how exactly should I proceed in working it out? I agree for one I have to stop questioning him and act more natural. Thing is, he doesn't seem to initiate much and obviously acts indifferent at times....how should I react to this? Should I back off and give him space and wait for him to initiate? Or should I continue to initiate? For example, if he doesnt ask me out for next tues or wed, should I ask him out or just leave it be and assume he needs space? And what if Friday rolls around and he doesn't ask me out? It seems like I've been initiating most of the time, though he always says yes to all of them. I don't want to suffocate him, but at the same time I can see why he might be hesitant to initiate.

 

Lishy - Thanks for your words. I hate myself so much that I act this way. I really just wish we can turn back time sometimes. But I will try my best to take walk's advice.

 

lino - You may be right, and perhaps both my bf and I are still with each other for now for that 0.1% that this may still work. I honestly think deep inside we both wish it can somehow miraculously work, but we both basically know that the reality is that it's over.

 

Ocean-Blue - I think you know how I feel. I think the only thing that drives me to get back with him each time is because I need that void to be filled. That is not a good reason to get back with someone. But at the same time, my feelings fluctuate from that to thinking that he IS important to me, that I don't know if I can ever find someone like him again, and that I do wish it would still work. Today I pictured myself with my new friend, and it just didnt feel right.

[fray718]

And oh, so this morning i texted him 'Morning baby , traffic was sooo bad today! What time should I come tomorrow morning?'....he's working this friday and sat night so I prob can only see him for a few hours tomorrow (I couldnt see him friday night cuz i got a work function and well sunday is me and my new friend day tho my bf doesnt know that).

 

He replied in 2 mins 'Hi, you can come as early as you want, i'll be home around 8:30'

 

Then at 2:30 this afternoon he gave me a surprise text (as he rarely texts in the middle of the day just to say hi) with 'I'm going to sleep now. Have fun at your work thing' and I replied with 'Thanks! Hope you sleep well and see you tomorrow! Mwah'

 

I dont know if its weird that he sends me these dead texts and I reply with so much excitment. I feel like this might be a turn off but I have no idea. I feel however like if I reply back with dead texts like he does then it would just be dead texts on both sides perpetually. Am I doing this right?

 

And like walk said to think posiitve, I should be happy that he gave me a surprise txt right? It means perhaps he is trying after all.....

Edited March 8, 2008 by fray718

[Walk]

I dont know if its weird that he sends me these dead texts and I reply with so much excitment. I feel like this might be a turn off but I have no idea. I feel however like if I reply back with dead texts like he does then it would just be dead texts on both sides perpetually. Am I doing this right?

 

You feel those are "dead" texts because he didn't use exclamation points? Or because he didn't put a smiley face?

 

'Hi, you can come as early as you want, i'll be home around 8:30'

I complete read something different in the text messages then you must have, because I read that he was letting you know what time he'd be home so you COULD come over and spend the evening with him.

 

'I'm going to sleep now. Have fun at your work thing'

In this message:

A. he initiated contact

B. he communicated why he would be unavailable if you needed him later that day (but had told you when he would be available later)

C. His last thought in the message was to express he hopes you have fun.

 

I think you need to really evaluate how you're interpreting messages. You have very little faith in the fact that he wants to see you, even when he says you know you can come over (as early as you'd like).

 

Try a little exercise (just for fun).... re-read the text messages he gave you and spin them in a positive light. What do they tell you after you've re-read them?

 

Also what did it tell you when he text messaged you right back that morning? And then when he initiated the text later that day?

 

You have to re-train your brain to see both sides, not just the negative. Which means you're going to have to force yourself to point out the positives for a while until it becomes more natural to you.

 

By the way... the text you sent back to him was great.

[fray718]

Walk - Thanks for all the advice. I tried applying your advice this weekend and tried my best to focus on the positives (see story below). It seems like each day is a struggle for me really, but I just keep reminding myself that no matter what happens at the end of the month, I'll be fine.

 

So update again!

 

Saturday morning I saw him and I told him that it's a nice day and would be cool if we can go to visit this town an hour way (he always talked bout going but he never actually said let's go) but I said it's a bit far and he might be tired though. He said that he should be fine and that we should go, then he said 'but before we do, i think there's something we should do first' (ie have sex). He had a big smile on this face and said 'for future reference, if you ever wanna have sex and I look like I'm tired, you can always seduce me, you shouldn't just give up so easily'....the smirk he had on his face while he said that was priceless. Anyway, I felt happy that he decided to go to that town because it is quite far away and he had to work that night. I noticed he got pretty sleep by the afternoon yet he didn't complain and said he still thought going to the town was a good idea.

 

I was quite happy about Saturday. When I left his place however, he didn't ask me to hang out on Sunday and that disappointed me as I feel like I always initiate. But on second thought, I guess I can see why he might hesitate to initiate dates (plus like Walk said I'm trying my best to think about the positives!). But I initiated nonetheless kind of last minute and he was cool with it. In the morning at 8am he texted me back and I called him up and said 'oh, feel so tired' and he said 'yea, prob cuz of daylight savings time, but i'll be up for awhile if you want to go back to sleep for a few hours more'...that was like one of the few times he's been selfless with me as I do know that he usually gets really sleepy by 2pm so for him to be ok with me sleeping for a few hours I guess meant he cared. But I told him that I had plans at 1pm today with friends so I'll get up right now. We had a pretty good time and when we passed by this cafe he said 'we went there for our second date' in a somewhat bittersweet/sad voice... that made me pretty sad for some reason.

 

So at 1pm I met up with my new friend and I offered to pay for the ice skating ofcourse and he was a bit surprised and said 'are you sure?'. Then as we started putting on our skates I confessed that I got back with my bf (I had thought about telling him for days and finally decided I should as I just felt so guilty about hiding it). I told him sorry and that I should have called him earlier to tell him and he said that even if I had told him earlier that he would have been totally cool with hanging out still. So we did ice skating and eventually got over that awkwardness and chatted and well he is incredibly cute and we were clicking really well... I said 'wow, been skating for an hour already' and he said 'wow we did, went by so fast..well, you made it go by fast since you're so good to talk to.'

 

The original plan was that after ice skating we'd go get desert at this one place. At one point he asked 'so what are the plans for the rest of the day?' and I said 'well, i dont know, i mean, it's up to you to decide....i told you my story, so i'll let you decide' and he said 'haha ok, well if you're worried, just to let you know that I still want to be your friend' and I grabbed his arm and said 'really? That's cool!'

 

When we walked out of the skating rink, I was waiting to see if he'd ask for us to go grab desert, but ofcourse he just said 'well thank you for coming' and I thanked him back. He reached out for a hug and said 'well, see you around...maybe' and we just said bye to each other and left.

 

Thing is, I actually clicked really well with this new friend. But 90% of the reason why I can't date him is simply because he just seemed too goodlooking (he is incredibly cute, my bf is just average), he's tall (he's 6'1, my bf is 5'7), too smart, too funny, too cool. I know that's a dumb reason to not want to date someone (insecurity issues) but that's really the reason. That, and while we connected really really well, there were no magical sparks like with my bf (that was the first time those movie-like sparks ever happened though with anyone for me so I dont expect it to happen again really).

Edited March 9, 2008 by fray718

[fray718]

Deleted because this thread is over. I'm over all this cr*p.

Edited March 10, 2008 by fray718

[fray718]

Ok guys, I deleted the post I wrote above because I just had enough of all this crap right now. After hours of calming down, I feel I need to vent this out or else it will eat me all up inside.

 

Basically, I read that my bf wrote in his car message board that he's so sick of his gf (me) and that he's basically lost all feelings for her because she's so emotionally unstable and he's tired of it all. The part that made me feel like he stabbed me in the heart was when he wrote 'This is so frustrating. My old feelings for her are not coming back, I just feel like she's a friend, nothing more at this point.' He also said that he hates to see me cry and that is why he gave it another chance but that he basically thinks its pointless and that he should just end it even before the one month is up so as to not make it worse for me.

 

This post was written by him that Thurs night after I quesitioned him, and granted Sat and Sun were much better (if you read above, you will see that I thought he was starting to turn around or something) I just felt so gosh darn hurt! I didn't read the post until I got back from my get-together with my friend today. But when I did, I basically went crazy. I know all of you will say I'm being crazy/impulsive again but the pain was so unbearable that I knew I could no long have any strength left to try to turn things around. It's so obvious that my bf is done that it's not even funny anymore.

 

I felt sooo hurt that I called him like one hour after I read the post and just said 'i'm letting you go....i'm just, letting you go...your sick of me anyways' and he just said 'so, this is it then?' and I said 'yea' and said bye and hung up. The pain was killing me and the only way I could try to lessen the pain was to try to make my bf feel for me again, even if it meant hurting him. I couldn't stand the idea of him just thining of me as a friend and have no feelings for me. I wanted to make him feel hurt because I thought 'well if u see me as just a friend, then see if a friend can make you feel this way!' As much as some of you tell me I'm a good person, I'm not. I'm really not.

 

About 30 mins later I texted him that I lied about going out with friends to skating, and that I actually went out with a guy instead and that I just feel really guilty about it. He replied 7 mins later 'ok, guess that makes the breakup easier.'

 

Then 30 mins later he txted me asking how long i've been going out with the guy and I wanted badly to ignore his txt but then I replied back an hour later telling him. He replied 2 mins later asking 'why didn't u just end it instead of going round my back?' and I just replied that I don't know and that i'm really sorry. He replied 2 mins later 'yea that's pretty lame. I thought u were better than that. I was wrong'

 

I'm sure by now he's lost all feelings for me for good.

 

He is a good person. He never once wronged me. Even after all I put him through, he still posted on his msg board that he doesn't want to hurt me and hates to see me cry. Why, eventhough he is a good person, did he ever get so unfortuante to have fallen for someone like me...

Edited March 10, 2008 by fray718

[Kamille]

I'm speechless Fray.

 

But I will ask you this: stop being so hard on yourself. You have made mistakes, big ones, but hating yourself right now is the least productive thing you can do. I know this is hard, especially right now, but tell yourself you will learn from all this. That you can and will grow from this.

 

I can remember two instances where you said you hated yourself in this thread (I didn't go back and check to see if there were more) but that's a very negative expression to use about one self. Do you really mean it? Could you change your attitudes about yourself, thost inner voices that let you make such strong statements about the person you should care for the most?

 

Do you see how your own love-hate relationship with yourself is likely at the root of all the insecurities and negative analysis that have led you where you are? Led you to rely on other people to provide that love you refuse to give yourself?

[nylah]

why would you say that we would be happy about this? i'm so sorry. i'm not really up on everything that's going on LS lately, as i have not been on in a while, but i do know that the people on the forums are usually very understanding, and very helpful. again, i am very sorry... cngirl seems to understand what's going on with your situation and it sounds like great advice. keep your head up.

[fray718]

Our txt messaging was 4 hours ago and we had no communication for those 4 hours. Just now he called me twice in a row and left a voicemail telling me in his normal monotonous voice that he can't believe I did this to him and he has to hear it from me to actually believe it, that he feels so hurt, that he doesnt know what to believe anymore, that he doesnt know how long I've been lying to him, that he's never had a girl do something like this to him, that feels like our whole r/s was just a lie. He also asked me why I told him and why can't I just break up with him without telling him this...that he feels like crap right now and feels pissed off.

 

When I heard his voicemail, I cried, but for some reason it was totally different from the other 3 times we broke up. I didn't feel like I wanted to just hold him and tell him everything will be ok like I did before when we broke up. In fact, I actually thought 'well you see me as a friend, so has a girl who you see as just a friend ever made you feel so hurt!'

 

I couldn't pick up and I really don't want to call him back. That seems so cruel. But really, I felt like ever since he broke up with me that he's betrayed me because he told me before that we're in it together and that he's going to try to understand when we break up again and that's he's willing to be extra patient (he even emphasized 'extra') with me. But basically he told me that he's not in it with me anymore after we broke up that third time. I just don't even feel that guilty about all this...this is how terrible I am as a person.

 

Kamile and nylah - Everyone on this board has the right to hate me and wish bad things on me. Truth is, I'm a bad person. And truth is, I don't think I ever loved my bf, because if I loved him then I would not have done all this these things to him. While for him, even after all I put him through, he still could not stand to hurt me by breaking up with me. He still gave me a chance eventhough he thougth it was hopeless. I really have no more respect for myself and I feel like I just dont' know what to do with myself anymore.

 

I'm also curious as to how my initial consulation with my therapist this Friday will be like. I hope he takes my case, unless he thinks I'm just utterly hopeless and doesnt even want to waste time with me...

[lovelorcet]

And truth is, I don't think I ever loved my bf, because if I loved him then I would not have done all this these things to him. While for him, even after all I put him through, he still could not stand to hurt me by breaking up with me.

 

This has nothing to do with love it is just a matter of being a mature adult and treating someone else with a little respect. If I were with someone, it doesn't matter if I love them or not but I would still maintain a basic respect for their person and feelings.