lino Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 But why would he still agree to give it one more month? Does he just not care to that point and just figures he'd get free sex from me? Like I said 2 pages or so ago, yes. If you want to determine whether this is true or not tell him no sex for that month & I'd be willing to bet anything that he'd disappear real quick. No offense, but only an absolute p*ssy would want to keep you as a gf after they way you've been with this guy. You've proven to him that you can't take a serious relationship with him so why should he bother anymore? Unless you want just sex from him too then IMO you should forget about him.
StartingOver07 Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Update! So of the 4-5 therapists I called, only that stanford one called me back. I'm thinking about this and the fact that he's a man makes me somewhat uncomfortable since we'd be discussing bout relationships and possibly about sex (since I have that birth control issue with my bf). I'm now thinking maybe I want a female therapist instead. Fray, you don't have a "birth control" issue. The only issue in that regard is that sex is not important to you and your propensity to twist events into being about you. And yes, a therapist will want to explore this and see if s/he can help you overcome the true/larger problems. You know, when I first read your posts here, I felt sorry for you, because of how you seemed to be floundering in your r/s. But frankly, your more recent posts smack of manipulation and spoiledness. You don't seem to care about what you put your BF through and are perfectly willing to sacrifice his feelings for your own. I hope you realise that the point of a therapist is for him/her to both challenge and look for the root causes of your faulty thinking and give it to you straight (if s/he is any good). Your goal should be to become someone capable of sustaining a healthy, adult relationship. If you are more comfortable with a woman, then seek one out. No good therapist -- male or female -- is going to share your skewed perspective, but will try to hep you adopt a healthier one.
Author fray718 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Like I said 2 pages or so ago, yes. If you want to determine whether this is true or not tell him no sex for that month & I'd be willing to bet anything that he'd disappear real quick. No offense, but only an absolute p*ssy would want to keep you as a gf after they way you've been with this guy. You've proven to him that you can't take a serious relationship with him so why should he bother anymore? Unless you want just sex from him too then IMO you should forget about him. Well call me in denial or call me naive, but I refuse to believe that my bf is using me for sex. I think he'd be a p*ssy/lacking in self dignifty if he stays with me despite how crappy I've treated him IF he stays only for the sex...I'm sorry but if he had any self dignity than he'd seek somewhere else for sex and doesn't have to stay with someone who so-called emotionally abuses him just to get some. He's not a bad-looking man and he can easily get free sex from a girl who's never broke his heart before. If in turn HE was the one who had repeatedly dump me and gets back with me then I'd understand the concept of him just using me for sex, but with the way things are, I've thought about it and just don't buy it. And another thing is that sex is afterall an important part of the r/s. I feel as if I remove sex then my bf will resent me and for sure this r/s willl be doomed. Call me crazy, but this is one risk I'm will to take. I'm risking being used for sex in hopes of possibly saving this r/s. Anyway, I talked to my sis and she is the best at giving advice. She told me that for the next few weeks just stop THINKING. She told me to focus on other stuff like on my hobbies etc and just stop thinking about whether my bf is really trying or whether he's just doing it without his heart in it. My sis told me that I just have to relax because all this thinking is driving me insane. She told me that if I just chill out, then everything will work out fine in the end. She told me that I'm always too hard on myself. I think I will follow her advice. Lishy - wow those words are very nice of you! I will certainly try for LS, and try to break this vicious cycle. Do miracles happen? I guess we shall wait and see in the next month or so...
Author fray718 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Yes, I'm a therapist. Both a male and female therapist would be equally competant, however most of your issues do stem from relationships and things of that nature. You may be able to relate and connect better with a woman. And the main thing is that you are comfortable with whoever you are talking to. You need to be able to open up to them, and if you feel you would be able to do that less with a male, then a female therapist may be better. Good job on being pro-active! Thanks for the advice! I think perhaps a female therapist might be better for me (and call me lame but I also have this fear of transference -- I can totally see myself falling for my therapist esp that stanford guy as he is quite smart and handsome -- don't want to risk it haha!). I'm going to look for some more therapists today and report back
Author fray718 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 (edited) Update! I think my thought process is really screwed up....well my bf initiated the txt yesterday and I was hoping he'd do it again today. But he didn't because usually if he doesnt do it by 10am then he doesnt do it. Anyway, so I txted him at 10:20 or so and the convo went this way: Me: Hi baby, back to real work today Him: Aw that sucks! I was working in a new area last night and it was kinda boring Me: Where were you at? Hopefully you don't go back there tonight! Will you be busy tomorrow nite? Him: I made little plans, but I can probably adjust them. What did you have in mind? Me: Well just coming over and grabbing dinner after work...What plans did you have? Him: (insert one of his girl friends name here who has a bf if that matters and I met her before) was going to come over around 6. I've been teaching her to drive stick Me: I might be getting off work later tonight, but will tonight work better? Him: Yea tonight would be good Me: K it be really late like 9:30 or 10 Him: Ok. Just let me know. For some reason, I became really depressed when I heard he made plans. Because pretty much EVERY time I've asked him before he always says yes and never mentions having made plans. Then I became upset because he didn't text me this morning to ask to see me. If he doesnt see me today, and he anticipated not seeing me tomorrow because he had plans, that means he wouldnt mind not seeing me till the weekend. I just became unreasonably upset. Anyway, I called him like 3 mins after and well I hated myself because my voice sounded kinda weird/anxious, with 'hi baby, oh sorry to be messing with your plans' and he said 'oh it's ok' and i said 'how long do you think you'd be teaching your friend tomorrow' and he said 'oh prob just gonna be an hour' and i said 'oh, so you do think it will work better if i just see you afterward like at 7:30? Cuz I think I might be working really late tonight' and he said 'yea that will work' and we both said goodbye nicely to each other. When he first picked up and said 'hello' he sounded nervous and he was prob nervous throughout cuz he's prob afraid that i'd blow up on him again. But throughout he sounded nice and pleasant, not annoyed at me at all. Well for about a good 15 mins after this I felt really depressed and mad at him, thinking that he doesnt care to see me and I was just retardedly depressed. Well anyway, like 15 mins later, I rethought it all and realized that he actually did not reject me when I first asked to see him Wed. In fact, he ALREADY made plans and it was one of those plans where if he canceled on his friend he'd probably piss her off a bit. But he was willing to 'adjust' them just to see me. I mean, I really should feel like the luckiest gf in the world that my bf is willing to change his plans like this for me. Also, I just realized I'm almost always the one who initiates weekday dates anyway because I'm the one with the funky work schedule. But why, why must I think so negative??????? I hate myself. Edited March 4, 2008 by fray718
Lishy Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Dont hate yourself Fray! This is a hard one but there is a chance that maybe you hve had your time with this guy. Maybe you need to break away and work on yor self esteem, honey you have to make yourself happy before you can be happy with someone else. You also seem to be relying on HIM for your happiness. You need to get your own life going hon. I feel your pain and can bet you hate yourself for reacting like this. I think you have other problems with this guy, I could be wrong.
Kamille Posted March 4, 2008 Posted March 4, 2008 Well anyway, like 15 mins later, I rethought it all and realized that he actually did not reject me when I first asked to see him Wed. In fact, he ALREADY made plans and it was one of those plans where if he canceled on his friend he'd probably piss her off a bit. But he was willing to 'adjust' them just to see me. I mean, I really should feel like the luckiest gf in the world that my bf is willing to change his plans like this for me. Also, I just realized I'm almost always the one who initiates weekday dates anyway because I'm the one with the funky work schedule. But why, why must I think so negative??????? Hurray! Hurray! A breakthrough! Don't waste time hating yourself, be proud of yourself that you sorted it out and realized that you were unneccessarly putting a negative spin on an otherwise pretty normal occurence. You seem to evaluate his level of feelings for you in every single interaction. You even did so with the therapist (when you said you didn't know about him because he didn't answer your 'how are you'.) Are you someone who spends a lot of time worrying whether or not other people like you? Therapy could help you deal with those kinds of issue and then IMAGINE what your life would be like. Well, actually, it's hard to imagine but you could be confident and actually not be disconcerted every time someone does something that might indicate they don't like you. It's very freeing is my point.
Jilly Bean Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 You seem to evaluate his level of feelings for you in every single interaction. You even did so with the therapist (when you said you didn't know about him because he didn't answer your 'how are you'.) Are you someone who spends a lot of time worrying whether or not other people like you?quote] This is EXCELLENT insight, K! Fray - you do seem to put up these expectations in advance of every interpersonal interaction you have, and if the person doesn't respond in EXACTLY the manner you would like, then you go postal and throw them out of your life. It's like you perceive EVERYTHING to be a slight - EVERYTHING to be rejection, and this is just not so. What are your relationships like with your gf's? Do you act the same way? Meaning, if "Beth" said she would call you TUE night to gab, and doesn't, do you instantly think she has rejected you, no longer likes you, and you decide to cut her off? It just seems like a pattern that Kamille has pointed out. I can tell you most definitely - if you continue to set up such unrealistic expectations for others behavior, then you will spend a lifetime being disappointed.
Author fray718 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 K and JB - Well it seems I'm only this way with guys I'm interested in romantically. I have good relations with my friends, in fact, I'm known to be quite easy going in the group. If a friend doesnt call when they say they will, i'd be a bit annoyed but then forget it about it the next second. It doesnt stay on my mind or bug me. But when it comes to bfs, I expect alot, and it's probably because Im giving them my heart, my body and my soul....and I'm deathly afraid of giving it to the wrong person or to someone who'd eventually reject/abandon me.
Kamille Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 K and JB - Well it seems I'm only this way with guys I'm interested in romantically. I have good relations with my friends, in fact, I'm known to be quite easy going in the group. If a friend doesnt call when they say they will, i'd be a bit annoyed but then forget it about it the next second. It doesnt stay on my mind or bug me. But when it comes to bfs, I expect alot, and it's probably because Im giving them my heart, my body and my soul....and I'm deathly afraid of giving it to the wrong person or to someone who'd eventually reject/abandon me. Fair enough. Could you spell out more clearly what it is that you expect from your bfs that you don't from your friends? My next question would be: how do you assess if your expectations are being met? Is it objective? And also: are those expectations reasonnable?
Author fray718 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) Fair enough. Could you spell out more clearly what it is that you expect from your bfs that you don't from your friends? My next question would be: how do you assess if your expectations are being met? Is it objective? And also: are those expectations reasonnable? Kamille, it's very interesting you brought this up actually! Because I was having this exact same discussion with my sister just last night. I told her 'you know sis, i'm so messed up in the head because i want him to have me as the center of his universe and as his number one priority with everything' and my sis said 'that's normal, i want that with my bf too' and i said 'yea its ok to want it, but to actually EXPECT it for reals? It's very unreasonable. I expect that of my bf -- i expect to be his everything -- and its very unreasonable for me to be that way.' And the thing is, I say the truth when I tell you that I've never been this happy with anyone until my bf. Fact is, he's never said no to anything I've ever asked of him. He's always been nice to me and even when I do crazy stuff like today where I call him and annoy him, he always remains mellow and doesn't get annoyed by me. In fact, part of the reason why it's so hard to let go of him is because like I've told my friends/sister: "you know, I don't know when/if I'd ever find another guy so crazy about me." Yet still I expect/want more. I'm so greedy. I want him to be perfect, and ofcourse no one can be perfect. Yet that is what my mind wants and is driving me crazy. I'm a perfectionist. I was anorexic and just like before how i had a distorted vision of my own body, i now have a distorted vision of this r/s. I still remember the first date with how my bf looked at me and talked to me, how shy he was and so nervous -- I knew just by looking at him that this guy was absolutely crazy about me...and he even admitted right after we finally became official that he was having trouble eating with me and with my friends because he'd be so nervous. And I was right. I'm the first girl in 5 years he's ever felt this way about he says. My bf is almost as close as anyone can get to having a guy see them as his center of his universe. Yet I ruined it. I ruined it all. Edited March 5, 2008 by fray718
Author fray718 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Kamille - You know, you're right. Thanks! I should be happy that I at least was able to think straight again (though it took like 15 mins to kick in haha!) on that texting incident I had with my bf again. Even my sis told me I'm too hard on myself. I really need to chill haha.
Kamille Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) Fray I was thinking... What if you stopped monitoring his every move to evaluate how much he likes you? I know it sounds a lot simpler then it is. But wouldn't it take a weight off your shoulder? But just imagined if you just accepted what he can give you, no more no less. Try and see him as your friend, not your ennemy. What if you focused on the love that you can give? What if you believed in yourself, in your own strenght and in your capacity to deal with whatever is coming your way? I mean, it sounds to me like your instinct to monitor-evaluate his tone of voice, his inflections, his punctuation, his meanings stem from your own fears. I'm not sure what you are afraid of: most likely that you will get hurt - but you've been getting hurt and you get hurt a little more everyday. And it's probably safe to say that you hurt him by always needing more then what he is giving you. So think about it: think about just letting go and accepting things as they are. Repeat it to yourself. Go to the gym and tell yourself : i accept my life as it is. None of us can control the future. The only thing we have is believing in ourselves and our capacities to make the best decisions we can, to learn from our mistakes and to give without expecting to receive in return. Edited March 5, 2008 by Kamille
Author fray718 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 Fray I was thinking... What if you stopped monitoring his every move to evaluate how much he likes you? I know it sounds a lot simpler then it is. But wouldn't it take a weight off your shoulder? But just imagined if you just accepted what he can give you, no more no less. Try and see him as your friend, not your ennemy. What if you focused on the love that you can give? What if you believed in yourself, in your own strenght and in your capacity to deal with whatever is coming your way? I mean, it sounds to me like your instinct to monitor-evaluate his tone of voice, his inflections, his punctuation, his meanings stem from your own fears. I'm not sure what you are afraid of: most likely that you will get hurt - but you've been getting hurt and you get hurt a little more everyday. And it's probably safe to say that you hurt him by always needing more then what he is giving you. So think about it: think about just letting go and accepting things as they are. Repeat it to yourself. Go to the gym and tell yourself : i accept my life as it is. None of us can control the future. The only thing we have is believing in ourselves and our capacities to make the best decisions we can, to learn from our mistakes and to give without expecting to receive in return. Kamille, I really do appreciate all your advice. And you know, what you just wrote is so comforting and inspiring. In fact it was exactly what my sister told me to do yesterday. I'm going to try my best to follow your advice. I've been seeking new hobbies lately, decorating my place, and looking for a therapist. I've been trying to shift my focus on these things and to let it run its course with my bf. You are right in that none of us can control the future and that's very inspiring that you said that. I really like what you said (part I bolded) and I'm going to try my best to apply it to my life right now. Thanks.
Author fray718 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Well! I'm quite annoyed... I drove all the way to his place and when I got there he was saying how he didnt get to sleep much (that maybe he drank too much coffee at work) and that he's really tired (remember, he works graveyard from midnight to 9am so he sleeps before he goes to work usually). His girl friend he was teaching stick to cancelled because she got stuck at work. Anyway, he was saying 'i feel so bad' etc yet I kept thinking that he did sleep 5 hours which is not alot but not awfully lacking. I kept thinking he should just suck it up and do dinner as we planned. But when i asked him if it's a bad night tonight, he just said 'yea, but you can still stay and hang out if you want while i sleep'. I told him next time to let me know if he's tired so I won't have to drive to his place only to drive back...I said it nicely ofcourse. He said if we can try again tomorrow night and ofcourse with my depressed expression i just said 'i dont know, i might work late, im not sure, it depends....' I don't know, I was really pissed for a good hour eventhough I didnt show it to him. I was at his place for about those 5 minutes we talked then I left so he can sleep. I don't know. I'm this close to just giving up on him. What should I do about this? Should I try again tomorrow night or just forget it and see him on Saturday (we won't see each other Friday cuz i have a work function but he's working that night anyway)? I'm trying my best to be nice but he's just making it difficult for me. Edited March 6, 2008 by fray718
Lishy Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Fray I think you may have to come to the realisation that this guy is not the man for you. He has proven that he is not willing to put in the effort that you require. He has proven that he can be quite selfish, to not let you know he was cancelling plans and to allow you to drive to his house is quite selfish IMO. To then offer you the chance to stay whilst he sleeps is adding insult to injury. I would not be happy if that happened to me. Maybe you should consider your options Fray?
Ocean-Blue Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Fray, I just finished reading this thread. I'm not sure what motivation there is for your bf to stay in this relationship with you at the moment. However, that is his issue. I seriously question your commitment to him. Why the need to constantly critique his every move? Things are not going to get better over night. He cannot turn on a switch one day and begin behaving the way you want him to. You need to accept this. If you insist on continuing this R, you need to accept that you have to change your expectations and keep yourself busy. You need to allow him to slowly rebuild his trust and confidence in you and the R. So the guy was tired and wants to sleep. Perhaps you should've just thought to yourself, "OK, yeah, five hours isn't enough. I'll be mature here and just let him get some rest and get catch up with him later." That said, I really really do know where you are coming from. I have been battling with myself for a while now - trying to reevaluate my behaviour and change my expectations. I expected a great deal of my bf and really took him on the ride of his life. This is not healthy. I wanted things my way - ALL THE TIME. I interpreted everything he did as a slight. I was never happy. I managed to find things wrong and constantly question his love/devotion to me. It got so bad that I really pushed him away. He became indifferent after a while and non responsive. Since then, I've realized that I was the one that messed up. I've had to learn that I am not a princess that lives in a castle with little servant people to do her every bidding. I've realized that he too is a human being with feelings and a LIMIT. I've also learned to be happy with what is given to me and not question things to such an obsessive degree. In the time that it took me to realize this and make some concrete changes in my behaviour, he has come around. I see a marked difference in his approach to me and "us". However, the journey/battle is not over. I still struggle with my thoughts of confusion and frustration a few times a week. I still freak out b/c I don't think he loves me enough. I have to remind myself that I am an adult and that worrying unnecessarily or reacting inappropriately to a given stimulus does not help me. It only hinders. My point in all of this: you need to give it time. If you want to be with this guy, you need to chill out and give him some breathing room. Try changing some of your behaviour. Even if you brain is screaming for attention and yearns for words of comfort from him, do not allow your behaviour to betray this. Just calm down. See him and try to use that time with him to enjoy yourself. Leave all worries and stress at the door. Remind yourself of how things were at start of all of this. What made him enjoy your company and want to date you? What made you like him so much? Try to get back there - focus on the positive. Once you two are on a path of consistency and he can trust you, perhaps then you can slowly begin to work on your communication issues, etc. Give him the time to believe that perhaps you two can work out. But only if you want this to work. As the others have said, I think it's great that you're pursuing some form of counseling. Good luck! Edited March 6, 2008 by Ocean-Blue
lino Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 The bad thing is that his txt just said 'Hi. I wasn't too tired at work'....that's bad becuase before 100% if his txts would have him sounding very excited with a 'Hi!' with exclamation marks etc and this is basically the first time I've ever received such a 'dead-sounding' text from him. So it seems like he's trying for me, but his heart is not in it at all. And it's making me pretty depressed right now. missing exclamation marks!?!?!? Well call me in denial or call me naive, but I refuse to believe that my bf is using me for sex. I think he'd be a p*ssy/lacking in self dignifty if he stays with me despite how crappy I've treated him IF he stays only for the sex...I'm sorry but if he had any self dignity than he'd seek somewhere else for sex and doesn't have to stay with someone who so-called emotionally abuses him just to get some. He's not a bad-looking man and he can easily get free sex from a girl who's never broke his heart before. If in turn HE was the one who had repeatedly dump me and gets back with me then I'd understand the concept of him just using me for sex, but with the way things are, I've thought about it and just don't buy it. And another thing is that sex is afterall an important part of the r/s. I feel as if I remove sex then my bf will resent me and for sure this r/s willl be doomed. Call me crazy, but this is one risk I'm will to take. I'm risking being used for sex in hopes of possibly saving this r/s. I'd say he already resents you, any guy put through what he's been through with you would. because usually if he doesnt do it by 10am then he doesnt do it. Anyway, so I txted him at 10:20 so if a guy doesn't message you by 10am it's not good enough?!?!? And you only gave him 20 minutes leeway? Seriously, these things I've quoted you on are absolutely ridiculous. This is probably the only time I can safely speak for all guys & say no guy on earth would EVER put up with this stuff from a gf. You've also dumped him a couple of times for no real reason. Can you genuinely tell me that you'd be willing to put any effort into having a relationship with this guy if the roles were reversed & he'd done all these things to you? I can honestly say that you're well beyond the point of no return with him & I can guarantee he's sticking around only for sex. If I was you I'd take in all the things learned from this & try better with someone else.
Author fray718 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Seriously, these things I've quoted you on are absolutely ridiculous. This is probably the only time I can safely speak for all guys & say no guy on earth would EVER put up with this stuff from a gf. You've also dumped him a couple of times for no real reason. Can you genuinely tell me that you'd be willing to put any effort into having a relationship with this guy if the roles were reversed & he'd done all these things to you?lino - One thing you have to note is that while this drives me insane inside, I don't actually complain to him about it. I let him sleep. I kiss him and say goodbye. It's all internal thinking and I didn't blow up on him. Because I DO think about how he can be resenting me right now and how it will take ALOT of work on my end if he is to ever come around again like Ocean Blue said. And I have to accept the fact that even after all my hard work, he might not even come around at all. It's a risk I have to take. I can honestly say that you're well beyond the point of no return with him & I can guarantee he's sticking around only for sex. If I was you I'd take in all the things learned from this & try better with someone else.I still stick to the belief that only a complete loser would stick around with someone who's broke his heart and emotionally abused him just for sex. Would you say honestly that's something you would do? Well if so then that's just a loser thing to do. Fray I think you may have to come to the realisation that this guy is not the man for you. He has proven that he is not willing to put in the effort that you require. He has proven that he can be quite selfish, to not let you know he was cancelling plans and to allow you to drive to his house is quite selfish IMO. To then offer you the chance to stay whilst he sleeps is adding insult to injury. I would not be happy if that happened to me. Maybe you should consider your options Fray?Lishy - You know, you're right. Part of the thing is that while he may resent me, alot of these selfish actions on his part are just him being selfish independent of this all. It's the core of who he is. Since day one when we started dating, he only did what benefited him. Perhaps he may not be the right one for me after all. Ocean-Blue - Wow! You went through nearly the same EXACT thing as me! How long did it take your bf to finally come around? I know it differs for everyone and every situation, but just curious. Relationships are certainly alot of work and like I said, it may all be for nothing. Well at least in the end I hope to learn from this all no matter what the outcome is. For now, while I was mad for an hour over what happened last night. I've pretty much forced myself to not think about it (about his motivations, his feelings for me, whehter this is all worth it -- well except for when i type on LS ofcourse haha)....or at least obsess over it like I would use to....because I'm trying to take Kamille's advice to just let things be for now. Edited March 6, 2008 by fray718
Author fray718 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Ocean Blue - Almost forgot, before any of the stuff above, quick what should I do about tonight?!??!?! Should I go out with my bf eventhough I'm so pissed at him about last night? Will it make doormat-like, or is given the situatin this is something I have to do because my bf is currently resenting me and I have to work extra hard to hopefully have him come around? Not sure what to do and I have to let him know by 10am! That's like 2 hours away! Thanks! New twist!! To add another complexity to all this!! I've been having doubts about whether I should post this cuz I fear chastising from everyone, but well there's this one guy I met during that short break up I had with my bf last week. It was so random and unexpected at a coffee shop. Anyway, he doesnt know I have a bf. I met up with him just on Tuesday night for some coffee and desert after work. He's well very different from my bf -- my bf is mellow, 5'7, awkward -- while this guy is 6'1", very animated like me (and I mean I'm an INCREDIBLY animated person when I talk so to alot of people it's funny how I'm with my bf cuz my bf has the SAME expression all the time and is VERY mellow) and he's much more confidant and smart than my bf. Basically, 99% of the population would say he's a much better catch than my current bf, but then I dated my current bf because we had those magical sparks when we dated that probably only happens like once or twice in a lifetime. Well during the date this guy hinted that he's not into casual dating because he see's no point of it. Anyway, after the date, I 1) was disappointed becuase I didn't feel the sparks I had hoped for and 2) felt guilty, so I told the guy via email that I don't feel sparks but would like to hang out as friends. He replied saying that he had a great time with me but was saddened that I felt no sparks. He said that he doesnt expect sparks to be immediate and that it might take a few more dates. But still, he said he appreciates having an extra friend to do things with still and wants us to hang out again. Anyway, after the incident last night with my bf I was so upset that I emailed this guy back and told him that he's probably right and that it should take a few more dates for sparks to happen, but that I guess a part of me was hoping it just to be at first sight (like it felt with my current bf -- though ofcourse I didnt' mention the bf part in my email). And I said the positive side of this is that if its meant to be then the friendship will develop into something more and if not well then we'd both at least make a good friend out of it all. I guess I'm just not ready for dating again even if I break up with my bf so better still to keep it as friends. Plus I'm like on the brink of 'cheating' right now. I feel so guilty but then when my bf pisses me off I i'm like 'f*ck it, Im going out with this guy!' Now things are starting to turn into shadowplay's thread, with a third person coming into the picture. But who knows, if this guy is smart he'd ditch me in a heartbreak since I friendzoned him. Well I mean at least I was honest with him about it. I find myself thinking and fantasizing about him alot though, like I hope he can save me from my bf...I have this gut feeling like I'd probably lose both my bf and this guy and be utterly miserable in the end of it all. Edited March 6, 2008 by fray718
Star Gazer Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I've been having doubts about whether I should post this cuz I fear chastising from everyone, but well there's this one guy I met during that short break up I had with my bf last week. It was so random and unexpected at a coffee shop. Anyway, he doesnt know I have a bf. I met up with him just on Tuesday night for some coffee and desert after work. He's well very different from my bf -- my bf is mellow, 5'7, awkward -- while this guy is 6'1", very animated like me (and I mean I'm an INCREDIBLY animated person when I talk so to alot of people it's funny how I'm with my bf cuz my bf has the SAME expression all the time and is VERY mellow) and he's much more confidant and smart than my bf. Basically, 99% of the population would say he's a much better catch than my current bf, but then I dated my current bf because we had those magical sparks when we dated that probably only happens like once or twice in a lifetime. Well during the date this guy hinted that he's not into casual dating because he see's no point of it. Anyway, after the date, I 1) was disappointed becuase I didn't feel the sparks I had hoped for and 2) felt guilty, so I told the guy via email that I don't feel sparks but would like to hang out as friends. He replied saying that he had a great time with me but was saddened that I felt no sparks. He said that he doesnt expect sparks to be immediate and that it might take a few more dates. But still, he said he appreciates having an extra friend to do things with still and wants us to hang out again. You do realize that you cheated on your BF, right?
Author fray718 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 My new friend and I are going ice skating this Sunday...
curiousnycgirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Holy cow, you were broken up for like 6 hours, how on earth did you manage to meet someone and have a date in that time?! Fray - you are NOT into your b/f at all if you could do that. That is just a fact. If my b/f and I broke up today - there is no way in the world I could consider any man who approached me. I'd be too heartbroken.
Author fray718 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Holy cow, you were broken up for like 6 hours, how on earth did you manage to meet someone and have a date in that time?! Fray - you are NOT into your b/f at all if you could do that. That is just a fact. If my b/f and I broke up today - there is no way in the world I could consider any man who approached me. I'd be too heartbroken. 2.5 years ago I dated a guy and when we broke up I couldn't date anyone for a year because the thought of anyone else disgusted me. But now, I'm actually kind of excited about my new friend. I told him I prefer to start as friends and take it slow and he agreed to it and he said that he felt alot of connection and attraction between us so we'll see. In fact, I felt it too. And with him, I feel like I'm happy again and there is hope. I look at his facebook pic like every 30 minutes and I stored the pic of me and my bf away in some distant file. The butterflies are back again. I don't know what that means... I texted my bf today 'Will prob be there after 6 tonight so get some sleep! :-)' and he replied back with 'k'. When I think of my bf, I feel depressed. When I think of my new friend, I smile. Edited March 6, 2008 by fray718
curiousnycgirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Ocean Blue -Anyway, after the date, I 1) was disappointed becuase I didn't feel the sparks I had hoped for and 2) felt guilty, How does your statement above, from one page ago, jive with what you typed immediately above stating that you feel the same attraction he does? Frankly I am starting to think you might be OCD. Please do not let this new friend make you put therpay on the back burner! I am very happy you are happy, but still am seeing huge red flags!
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