He finally broke up with me!!!

[curiousnycgirl]

Fray -

 

As I was sitting here getting caught up and current on this thread I started thinking about things you have written in your past, and how you are contradicting them here.

 

On February 4th you told your b/f that you love him and could/would never leave him.

 

On February 18th you wrote all of the following: "I can tell you with 99% certainty that I love my bf MUCH more than your ex loves you"

 

So yes there is every reason for people on this website to believe you thought he was the one and that you were in love with him.

 

Also on February 18th you wrote the following: "Why haven't you closed the door on him yet? Be strong and just move on." and this "I've been in your shoes before and I'm glad I cut off contact wiht the ex."

 

I have to ask - why do you come to this site? As I read back in your posts, you have gotten some very solid advice and you have ignored all of it. Like oppath's input on your February 4th post - he wrote that you need to play it casual and just date for 2 months, and you profusely thanked him and agreed - but you couldn't do that.

 

So again I ask why do you come here? Just to update us on your soap opera?

 

You also said on February 4th that you are going to therapy - but you have not said that since, was that true? If so what does your therapist say about all this?

 

So if at times you feel attacked, it is because people are reading ALL of your words, not just the last ones you posted, and seeing inconsistencies, a woman who doesn't follow any advice given to her, etc.

[Star Gazer]

I have to ask - why do you come to this site?

 

So again I ask why do you come here? Just to update us on your soap opera?

 

You also said on February 4th that you are going to therapy - but you have not said that since, was that true? If so what does your therapist say about all this?

 

Great questions, Curious. I'm curious (no pun intended!) what the answers are as well.

[Lauriebell82]

Okay, so I just went through and got caught up on this thread. I agree with everyone else who is saying that you are contradicting yourself. Because you are!!! And you are totally disregarding everyone's advice here as well. It seems that whatever we say, it's not going to even matter because you are going to do whatever you want to do, whether it's good for you or not. I think you may have something called Borderline Personality Disorder if you know waht that is. Now, don't quote me, I'm not a pyschiatrist, but I work with clients just like you and I'm seeing all the signs. Please get some help Fray. For your own damn good!!!! The more you post, the more I see how much you need help.

 

The reason why some of us are getting tough with you is because you aren't listening. Star Gazer along, with many others are just getting frustrated because you aren't listening. We are trying to do whatever we can to help you and it's just not working. So what do you want from us? Why do you keep posting if you aren't going to listen or care?

[lino]

Fray CAN do whatever she wants. Only SHE really knows what is good for her. Not YOU.

 

 

Then quit trying to diagnose people via the internet..lol...especially since you have no knowledge with which to do so!

 

You give ADVICE....she is not obligated to listen to ANYTHING any of us has to say...just as we are not obligated to post advice. You have no right to get "tough" with her. Some of the arrogance around here is amazing!!

 

 

E..H

 

well said!

 

OP, if you stay with this guy another month all that will happen is that he'll get sex for 1 month more. If you say no sex he'll run like lightning or at best act in a way which he thinks you'll like so you'll have sex with him again.

[Lauriebell82]

Of course she doesn't HAVE to listen. I know this, I'm a therapist. All I was trying to say is Fray is asks us for advice, we give it, she rejects it, then goes out and does something even more erratic, then comes back for more advice. So you can see where the cycle is heading. She doesn't have to get therapy, but I honestly think it would help her.

 

As for Fray, you don't have to listen to me. I think you acknowledge that your behavior is incongruent too..which is good. When in one month you come back upset and hurt from breaking up with your bf, we will be here to help you if you need it. But I think what you are doing is just prolonging your pain.

[BlueEyedGirl]

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result, coming back here to tell Fray repeatedly that she needs to get therapy and end this relationship and deride her for her behavior, who's really the one acting insane?

 

I don't know where this definition has come from, but I don't agree with it. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, then 90% of the population are insane. Most people have bahavioural patterns that are hard to break (although some patterns are more negative than others). Also if enviroment or the situation have changed, doing the same thing will produce a different result.

[Lauriebell82]

I kind of agree with the last couple of posters.

 

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result, coming back here to tell Fray repeatedly that she needs to get therapy and end this relationship and deride her for her behavior, who's really the one acting insane?

 

If you've said your peace and she's ignoring it, then wouldn't you accept it and move on? Not saying I don't agree with what some of you are saying, but you'll no more convince her at this point that you are "right" and she should listen to you the 5th time if you weren't successful on the first or second.

 

Yeah, I'm a therapist so accepting people's resistance is not something I'm trained to do. And no, I don't think when repeatedly advising someone to do something and you don't get through, you should just give up. Fray keeps coming back for advise..if she diddn't want help she wouldn't be here. She just needs to stop making excuses and using defense mechanisms to justify her behavior (i.e. saying she is sick, but can't "help it"). And no she doesn't have to listen to that peace of advise I just gave, but if she really wants to get better and improve herself, then those defense mechanisms need to be broken through.

[curiousnycgirl]

I kind of agree with the last couple of posters.

 

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result, coming back here to tell Fray repeatedly that she needs to get therapy and end this relationship and deride her for her behavior, who's really the one acting insane?

 

If you've said your peace and she's ignoring it, then wouldn't you accept it and move on? Not saying I don't agree with what some of you are saying, but you'll no more convince her at this point that you are "right" and she should listen to you the 5th time if you weren't successful on the first or second.

 

 

I would say you are 100% correct, in fact I had actually typed a PM to someone saying I could not figure out why I kept going back to these threads - it is sort of like a train wreck. However there are a couple of things you didn't cover. The first is that she keeps coming here seeking our input - and we are honestly trying to help.

 

Secondly she keeps calling herself psychotic and agrees she needs therapy - and in one post she actually said she had begun therapy. It finally hit me how much she has contradicted herself - it's very hard to offer valid advice to someone who is being less that honest.

 

Thirdly it is really shocking that she has not responded in hours - usually she responds in just moments.

 

Finally if you had read some of my early responses to Fray you would know that I really can understand her insecurities as I have been there. While I did not behave the way Fray is - it still held me back significantly. I have come close to begging Fray to not perpetuate this, and to seek help sooner rather than later, lest she end up as old as I am before she finds comfort in her life.

 

In other words - I truly and really want to help Fray. But that is not possible if she won't be honest or listen.

 

Does that help at all?

[Lauriebell82]

I noticed Fray hasn't responded lately! Where are you Fray????

[fray718]

I noticed Fray hasn't responded lately! Where are you Fray????

 

Hi all! Haven't replied in some time because I was with the bf all of yesterday and just got back from him place a few minutes ago. Sorry I went MIA for awhile. I don't know. It was our first day together 'back together.' He pretty much acted the same as before. No change. After all, he promised me that he would try (I told him that if he doesn't try then it would be pointless). But I know that I wasn't 100% the entire time. This is because always in the back of my head are those words he had told me that he doesn't think it will work...that he'll try but he doesnt see it going very far. So while he may possibly be trying, I still have zero hope for us. The feeling I get is still that of this all inevitably ending and right now we are just waiting to break up eventually.

 

So I finally looked online for therapists and I found a few names. I have no idea how I'd know which ones are good or are suitable for me. I guess I might just start with whoever's closest. On Monday I'm going to call some of these therapists to make appointments (I'll report back on it so you guys know I did it haha!).

 

Last night we hung out with his friends and it was us and 4 other couples! Tonight we are hanging out with his friends again. I know it's terrible but I kept thinking wow, in just a month he'd hang out with these friends and they'd all be like 'where's fray?' and he'd be like 'we broke up.'....i guess these are pretty sad thoughts.

 

For the first time, I guess I felt a bit betrayed by him. I know you'll all tell me I'm crazy, but when we got back together for the second time he told me that 'we're in this together' and that he'd be patient with me and try to understand my thoughts so that it would work out. He told me that together we'd make it work. I know I can't really hold him to it but being the naive person I am I thought he'd really push for it. But perhaps he just doesn't love/care for me enough to push through with it. Last night all the trust I had in him was shattered and I guess in a way I was having trouble in loving him like before and in just being warm with him. I wasn't as warm and loving towards him as before. I can tell he was trying to put in effort in the way he put his hands on my knee or around my waist and in the way he touched me, but it really is a lost cause. There really is nothing left in our relationship. It all dried up.

[Lauriebell82]

Hey Fray! I'm glad you started the search for a therapist..thats a great first step to getting better. Please stop calling yourself crazy though..YOU are not crazy, it's your BEHAVIOR that is erractic. Please realize the difference between the two. I'm glad you are still posting and at least trying to listen to what we are saying..because we really ARE trying to help you.

 

I still don't understand what this "month" thing is. You said that in one month you might not be around..so you think in exactly one month your bf is just going to be like "welp, ok see ya Fray." Then you are going to be right back where you started. So I'm trying to understand exactly what the purpose of this whole "don't break up with me for a month" thing is. You also said that you aren't the same warm and loving person towards your bf..I think that's because you know it's really over. And if that is the case, then why are you even trying to stick this out? I honestly think you need to take care of your own state of mind before you can love anyone else. So actually to me, I don't think it's your bf that isn't making the effort, it's you. And if this is the case, then why did you push him/threaten him to get back with you????

[fray718]

Hey Fray! I'm glad you started the search for a therapist..thats a great first step to getting better. Please stop calling yourself crazy though..YOU are not crazy, it's your BEHAVIOR that is erractic. Please realize the difference between the two. I'm glad you are still posting and at least trying to listen to what we are saying..because we really ARE trying to help you.

 

I still don't understand what this "month" thing is. You said that in one month you might not be around..so you think in exactly one month your bf is just going to be like "welp, ok see ya Fray." Then you are going to be right back where you started. So I'm trying to understand exactly what the purpose of this whole "don't break up with me for a month" thing is. You also said that you aren't the same warm and loving person towards your bf..I think that's because you know it's really over. And if that is the case, then why are you even trying to stick this out? I honestly think you need to take care of your own state of mind before you can love anyone else. So actually to me, I don't think it's your bf that isn't making the effort, it's you. And if this is the case, then why did you push him/threaten him to get back with you????

 

I think you make a good point. I know that it's over and I know that we aren't right for each other (even my bf told me 'we aren't right for each other and you KNOW it. I can tell you know fray!') yet I feel so lonely when I'm not with someone. Perhaps I prefer to be in a dead-end r/s than be in no r/s at all. Perhaps I fear being alone.

 

And perhaps you may ask why my bf, even when he knows its over, is still with me right now. Well he said he'd stick it out if we go the whole month without any arguing or tiffs. Our problems have all been me just creating drama and perhaps he thinks that if we can do without the drama for at least a month then there might possibly be hope after all. My bf did not tell me that he's going to end it after a month (that is just my thinking). In fact, he told me that he's going to 'try', just that he doenst think it will work out. Honeslty I dont even know why he promised to try or that he is even putting in any effort into it when he tells me he knows its over. I guess he's doing it because I pleaded him for one more chance haha. I stopped putting effort, but at this point I feel this is what I have to do. No point in putting effort into a lost cause.

Edited March 1, 2008 by fray718

[AriaIncognito]

I know that it's over and I know that we aren't right for each other (even my bf told me 'we aren't right for each other and you KNOW it. I can tell you know fray!') yet I feel so lonely when I'm not with someone. Perhaps I prefer to be in a dead-end r/s than be in no r/s at all. Perhaps I fear being alone.

 

 

I've been this way in the past. I'd stay with the wrong guy way too long because I just didnt' want to start over again, but the truth of the matter was, it didn't keep any of those men in my life for the long haul, so in retrospect, I can see how it did me no good.

 

The best advice I can give is the only thing that helped me, was time away from the ex. Tonight I'll be going out with a group of people and an ex is included in that group, and well, it doesn't bother me AT ALL now because I took the time to distance myself from it, and get over it, and even move onto someone else (who I'm also not with currently).

 

It's scary because when in relationships we can make our bf's our closest friends and our biggest cheerleaders and support system and then well, the idea of giving that up is really hard because you then feel like you no longer have any of that, but you still do, you just need to rely on different people for the different roles, rather than him.

 

For example, you can come here to vent out frustrations of being no contact and it's hard and whatnot. You have people that will listen. You can go to family/friends/etc. You just need to figure out a way to redirect the things you're getting from him so that they come from different parties.

[Lauriebell82]

I think you make a good point. I know that it's over and I know that we aren't right for each other (even my bf told me 'we aren't right for each other and you KNOW it. I can tell you know fray!') yet I feel so lonely when I'm not with someone. Perhaps I prefer to be in a dead-end r/s than be in no r/s at all. Perhaps I fear being alone.

 

And perhaps you may ask why my bf, even when he knows its over, is still with me right now. Well he said he'd stick it out if we go the whole month without any arguing or tiffs. Our problems have all been me just creating drama and perhaps he thinks that if we can do without the drama for at least a month then there might possibly be hope after all. My bf did not tell me that he's going to end it after a month (that is just my thinking). In fact, he told me that he's going to 'try', just that he doenst think it will work out. Honeslty I dont even know why he promised to try or that he is even putting in any effort into it when he tells me he knows its over. I guess he's doing it because I pleaded him for one more chance haha. I stopped putting effort, but at this point I feel this is what I have to do. No point in putting effort into a lost cause.

 

My best friend is a lot like that. She has stayed in really bad relationships with loser guys just because she doesn't like to be alone. She's married now to a good guy, but she has never liked to be single. If you don't want to put in effort then I think it may be best to just cut your losses now. Why waste both your time when you know it's over? I know you said you don't like to be alone, but don't you want to find someone who you can truly be happy with? But even more important than that, I think you need to find happiness in being by yourself as well. Yeah, being single is sometimes lonely, but I think you can't be happy in a good relationship until you are happy just being by yourself.

 

I think the most important thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not you think you have a future with this guy. That staying in this relationship for the next month or whatever time you are together is worth it. You are 25 right? I mean that's still young, but I don't know what the point in staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere is. So if you truely love this guy and see things working out then stay and try to make it work, but from everything that you have posted recently I don't think that's what your heart wants.

[fray718]

My best friend is a lot like that. She has stayed in really bad relationships with loser guys just because she doesn't like to be alone. She's married now to a good guy, but she has never liked to be single. If you don't want to put in effort then I think it may be best to just cut your losses now. Why waste both your time when you know it's over? I know you said you don't like to be alone, but don't you want to find someone who you can truly be happy with? But even more important than that, I think you need to find happiness in being by yourself as well. Yeah, being single is sometimes lonely, but I think you can't be happy in a good relationship until you are happy just being by yourself.

 

I think the most important thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not you think you have a future with this guy. That staying in this relationship for the next month or whatever time you are together is worth it. You are 25 right? I mean that's still young, but I don't know what the point in staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere is. So if you truely love this guy and see things working out then stay and try to make it work, but from everything that you have posted recently I don't think that's what your heart wants.

 

You make some very good points. Honeslty I dont know if I see a future with my bf. My friend told me that I don't know what I want. I guess after all I only started dating 2.5 years ago and this guy is my first real bf. My friend told me that's the reason I feel so conflicted and also why I have trouble letting go. Also, I don't trust my own judgement which also why it is so hard for me to stick to my decision, be it to stay or to go. My sister and my friend though say they are pretty confident that this guy is just not the right guy for me. They tell me that he's not the sensitive and caring type I need.

 

My bf is playing video games right now as I'm typing. This whole weekend everything pretty much is just like it is normally. He played with my hair over dinner with his friends and would always put his hand on my knee like before. We spent pretty much the entire weekend like we do always and he acts the same. But again, I still anticipate the end coming. There are still 26 days left, but I doubt my feeling on this will change soley because of what he said that Thurs night that 'fray, i'll try but honeslty i think it's pointless because i don't see it working.' Perhaps I should be glad he was so honest with me though, because it helps me to accept it and move on.

[Walk]

Fray, can't you place yourself in his shoes for a minute? The guy doesn't think it'll work out becasue you've dumped him numerous times in like 3 months. That doesn't instill a person with hope for a great relationship a month from now. In fact, everything you've done has undermined the development of the relationship. Your actions have caused distrust, uncertainty, and pain. And you seem to create conflict every month.

 

I can understand where you're coming from, I think. When your dating experience is so short, and the self-confidence is low, then it creates conflicts inside a person. And mostly from what I've read of your posts, you tend to make big assumptions about your partners without attempting to talk to them before you decide your upset about what you've assumed to be true.

 

Basically what I'm saying is your screwed. You aren't going to miraculously become a different person over night. Things aren't going to magically get all better with your bf. The next several years of your life are going to be an uphill battle filled with misconceptions and learning experiences that you'll have to interpret correctly if you want to succeed. And you have the all powerful choice of attempting to become a person you will be happy with in the future, or you can continually say "I can't" and flounder. Its completely up to you. Your bf can't help you, we can't help you, your friends can't help you... because you have to do the work. (A therapist/counselor could help you) All the rest of the people in your life can only lend support and guidance, if you want it. You have to choose to change if you want a relationship that's going to actually last. (like stop assuming things without talking to your partner first.)

 

Last thought... an emotionally mature person would find time to talk to her bf about what needs to change in the relationship in order for it to continue, or she would discontinue the relationship if she didn't feel she wanted to put in the effort to change things. You're acting like a kid who wants the pony then pouts because it needs to be fed every day. Relationships are work. If you want the priviledge of having one, then you have to work for it.

[insideout1]

This should a learning experience not a let down.

[fray718]

Fray, can't you place yourself in his shoes for a minute? The guy doesn't think it'll work out becasue you've dumped him numerous times in like 3 months. That doesn't instill a person with hope for a great relationship a month from now. In fact, everything you've done has undermined the development of the relationship. Your actions have caused distrust, uncertainty, and pain. And you seem to create conflict every month.

 

Yes, I can totally understand why he doesnt think it will work. But why would he still agree to give it one more month? Does he just not care to that point and just figures he'd get free sex from me? Last night he got up from my place to go to work and normally I'd get up with him but I kind of was sleepy and continued to sleep. He woke me up because I have those doors that need the key to be locked, and when I got up he just walked to the door and opened it and went outside and looked at me and we said bye to each other. He didn't kiss me goodbye or really even gave me a chance to kiss him with how he walked out. And for some reason, that left me feeling very very heartbroken afterward and all night long. It's such a small thing, but perhaps like you said I'm just creating all these crazy assumptions in my head and jumping to conclusions about things.

 

Last thought... an emotionally mature person would find time to talk to her bf about what needs to change in the relationship in order for it to continue, or she would discontinue the relationship if she didn't feel she wanted to put in the effort to change things. You're acting like a kid who wants the pony then pouts because it needs to be fed every day. Relationships are work. If you want the priviledge of having one, then you have to work for it.

 

Should I even try with my current bf? It seems part of the reason why we're still together is becuase I'm the only second person in his life (and first in 5 years) he ever thought he wanted to be with forever and so maybe he is just having some trouble letting go of that so quickly. I'm not sure though. If say I choose to give it one more shot (since I still have 25 more days with him), what can I do for this next month? I'm calling for a therapist today (again, i shall report back on this haha!) and so should I tell my bf? What else can I say to my bf without creating drama and without him just telling me 'ok, i mean you can do this and do that and we can try, but i really think it will just be pointless.' It feels like if I give him an opportunity to say those words to me again, it would just make him lose more feelings for me. Walk, thank you for all the advice. What do you think I should do to even give this r/s a shot at being saved?

[fray718]

This should a learning experience not a let down.

 

In a way, that is why I don't exactly regret all my actions thus far. I can feel everyone screaming at me for saying this haha. But really, I'm learning everyday from this experience.

[Kamille]

Yes, I can totally understand why he doesnt think it will work. But why would he still agree to give it one more month? Does he just not care to that point and just figures he'd get free sex from me? Last night he got up from my place to go to work and normally I'd get up with him but I kind of was sleepy and continued to sleep. He woke me up because I have those doors that need the key to be locked, and when I got up he just walked to the door and opened it and went outside and looked at me and we said bye to each other. He didn't kiss me goodbye or really even gave me a chance to kiss him with how he walked out. And for some reason, that left me feeling very very heartbroken afterward and all night long. It's such a small thing, but perhaps like you said I'm just creating all these crazy assumptions in my head and jumping to conclusions about things.

 

 

 

Should I even try with my current bf? It seems part of the reason why we're still together is becuase I'm the only second person in his life (and first in 5 years) he ever thought he wanted to be with forever and so maybe he is just having some trouble letting go of that so quickly. I'm not sure though. If say I choose to give it one more shot (since I still have 25 more days with him), what can I do for this next month? I'm calling for a therapist today (again, i shall report back on this haha!) and so should I tell my bf? What else can I say to my bf without creating drama and without him just telling me 'ok, i mean you can do this and do that and we can try, but i really think it will just be pointless.' It feels like if I give him an opportunity to say those words to me again, it would just make him lose more feelings for me. Walk, thank you for all the advice. What do you think I should do to even give this r/s a shot at being saved?

 

It seems to me that a lot of your insecurities stem from your propensity to second guess everything. Therefore, I think making that appointment is a great first step Fray. You will hopefully feel empowered as you will be telling yourself that you are doing something to help your situation.

 

As for the relationship, take it one day at a time. There is no need or no pressure as no one can tell where you will be in 25 days from now. Grant yourself the right to change and grow. You're entering an self-healing process and maybe you will discover that you can work on this relationship in a healthy way. Maybe, on the other hand, you will discover that it would be better for you right now to steer clear of situations that cause you anguish.

 

Make that call. Take it from there.

[fray718]

It seems to me that a lot of your insecurities stem from your propensity to second guess everything. Therefore, I think making that appointment is a great first step Fray. You will hopefully feel empowered as you will be telling yourself that you are doing something to help your situation.

 

As for the relationship, take it one day at a time. There is no need or no pressure as no one can tell where you will be in 25 days from now. Grant yourself the right to change and grow. You're entering an self-healing process and maybe you will discover that you can work on this relationship in a healthy way. Maybe, on the other hand, you will discover that it would be better for you right now to steer clear of situations that cause you anguish.

 

Make that call. Take it from there.

 

 

So about 30 mins ago he txted me (as you may all recall we broke up last time because I chastised him for never txting/calling me and when we got back together he told me that he's just not the type of person to need constant communication and he told me to not expect that from him and I agreed and said that I can accept that about him). The good thing is that it seems maybe this is a sign of him actually trying for me. The bad thing is that his txt just said 'Hi. I wasn't too tired at work'....that's bad becuase before 100% if his txts would have him sounding very excited with a 'Hi!' with exclamation marks etc and this is basically the first time I've ever received such a 'dead-sounding' text from him. So it seems like he's trying for me, but his heart is not in it at all. And it's making me pretty depressed right now.

 

I tried my best and replied back with excitement 'Hi baby, glad to hear that. I'm 'working' from home again :-). Enjoy your nap!' and well just like one minute ago he replied 'Lucky! I want to work from home'. I was depressed for the last 30 minutes until I just got this txt and it made me feel alot better because he actually sounded excited in it. Things are happening as I'm writing this so haha it's like this post is all up and down.

 

Also, I got a call back from one therapists to set up a consultation. He's a stanford guy and he told me to email him so hopefully this guy will work out. He seems kind of arrogant though becuase when he called me back I said 'Hi! How are you?' and he ignored my greeting and just went straight to the point. But we'll see....

 

K - you know your post really made me feel alot better, esp how you told me to take it one day at a time. I always put so much pressure on him and on myself and that is why it's been so rough for us. Perhaps I just need to learn to 'chill' and just stop with all this pressure and let things take their course. Thanks.

[starlite]

Hi Fray! I was actually wondering how old you are...

 

Now for my advice: I know it is hard to let go of someone. It seems to me like the second you think you have lost him you want him back. The whole wanting what you cant have theory. I think you take a blow to your self esteem and suddenly need him back.

 

NEVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN FRAY beg for a man to be with you. That must have been one of the most pathetic posts I have EVER read on loveshack. Keep your dignity chicky. And you threatened him with bad things if he leaves you. AUGH! I want to reach through this screen and shake you. If a man wants to be with you he will be.

 

I think your guy friends theory is wrong. Men tend to say what they think, and nieve women think "I can change that" and wind up very disappointed in the end. And you are going to take sex away from him, he has already told you it's not going to work... you know it too....walk away now, tell him you have smelled the coffee and realize it is not going to work (for real) and gain a bit of dignity back.

 

I just went through an AWFUL break up 4 months ago. I was absolutely devastated. But I kept my dignity, there was no begging or pleading, no pathetic late night phone calls...3 months later I receieve a flood of emails from him telling me how bad he misses me and how miserable he was. I Will NOT be looked back upon as the "Crazy Ex" I will be the "One who got away".

 

You are better than this Fray. Your self esteem will grow when you hold yourself in a more mature manner...Definately get a therapist to work on this 16 year old mentality you have going on...

 

Best of luck to you!!!

[fray718]

Update!

 

So of the 4-5 therapists I called, only that stanford one called me back. I'm thinking about this and the fact that he's a man makes me somewhat uncomfortable since we'd be discussing bout relationships and possibly about sex (since I have that birth control issue with my bf). I'm now thinking maybe I want a female therapist instead.

 

Lauriebelle -- you're a therapist right? Any advice on this? What happened to you??

 

Hi Fray! I was actually wondering how old you are...

 

Now for my advice: I know it is hard to let go of someone. It seems to me like the second you think you have lost him you want him back. The whole wanting what you cant have theory. I think you take a blow to your self esteem and suddenly need him back.

 

NEVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN FRAY beg for a man to be with you. That must have been one of the most pathetic posts I have EVER read on loveshack. Keep your dignity chicky. And you threatened him with bad things if he leaves you. AUGH! I want to reach through this screen and shake you. If a man wants to be with you he will be.

 

I think your guy friends theory is wrong. Men tend to say what they think, and nieve women think "I can change that" and wind up very disappointed in the end. And you are going to take sex away from him, he has already told you it's not going to work... you know it too....walk away now, tell him you have smelled the coffee and realize it is not going to work (for real) and gain a bit of dignity back.

 

I just went through an AWFUL break up 4 months ago. I was absolutely devastated. But I kept my dignity, there was no begging or pleading, no pathetic late night phone calls...3 months later I receieve a flood of emails from him telling me how bad he misses me and how miserable he was. I Will NOT be looked back upon as the "Crazy Ex" I will be the "One who got away".

 

You are better than this Fray. Your self esteem will grow when you hold yourself in a more mature manner...Definately get a therapist to work on this 16 year old mentality you have going on...

 

Best of luck to you!!!

 

Hi Starlite, thanks for the input. You know, I AM humiliated many times with my actions. But I guess the differnce here is that I was the one who broke up with him multiple times (and eventhough he technically broke up with me this third time, he told me he thought I was the one who broke up with him again). But anyway, alot of this is self-hatred on my part. It's my fault he lost feelings for me and it's my fault all of this is happening. If I break up with him for good, I dont' think I'd really regain much dignity, I'd prob just feel alot of guilt and hurt over all of this again and repeat the disgusting cycle until my bf calls it quits for reals and just ignores me.

[Lishy]

I agree that you will continue this cycle honey unless you break it. I am pleased you are looking for a therapist as your behaviour and actions will push any man away, this guy must love you alot to have dealt with it and still give you chances!

 

It is good that you can see what you are doing Fray and the manic way you are acting as that is half of the battle won. NOw all you have to do is win the war! You can do it girl!

 

x

[Lauriebell82]

Update!

 

So of the 4-5 therapists I called, only that stanford one called me back. I'm thinking about this and the fact that he's a man makes me somewhat uncomfortable since we'd be discussing bout relationships and possibly about sex (since I have that birth control issue with my bf). I'm now thinking maybe I want a female therapist instead.

 

Lauriebelle -- you're a therapist right? Any advice on this? What happened to you??

 

Yes, I'm a therapist. Both a male and female therapist would be equally competant, however most of your issues do stem from relationships and things of that nature. You may be able to relate and connect better with a woman. And the main thing is that you are comfortable with whoever you are talking to. You need to be able to open up to them, and if you feel you would be able to do that less with a male, then a female therapist may be better.

 

Good job on being pro-active!