He finally broke up with me!!!

February 29, 2008

Ok I'll get back later to read all these postings more carefully (as I have to run really soon right now) but ok um maybe I've made this to be more twisted than it is. Alot of people here compare me to a kid and well that is an ongoing thing with me and my bf. My bf acknowledges that I have alot of kid-like qualities and behaviors and he knows that. That being said, it's not like something bad will happen to him if he breaks his promise or whatever (that's just part of the kid part of me making him 'swear his heart or else' kind of deal).

Basically, all in all, it's me asking him to give me one more chance. Asking him to promise to at least give it one more month to see if he can regain his feelings for me before calling it quits. I told my friend what happened and surprisingly he did not tell me to dump him! He told me that it is my call.

The reason is that my friend says 'when your bf told you he doesn't feel much for you anymore, it doesnt mean that he doesn't feel for you romantically anymore. He is actually instead forcing himself to shut down his emotions as a coping mechanism. Well in fact even your bf told you that -- he told you he's forcing himself to shut down so as to prevent himself from getting hurt. You described your bf as having a blank stare in the face. Well if most people just lose feeling for someone they'd lose those feelings without having that blank stare. I get that blank stare sometimes too and you know what, it's usually after something traumatic has happenend. You two broke up just yesterday -- ofcourse he is still trying to deal with it. I know for a fact that in just a few days he's gonna feel. Right now not only does he not feel for you, he doesnt' even feel ANYTHING. Not for the situation, nothing. A normal person who doesnt feel for you would at least feel some guilt over hurting you. But he doesnt even feel that because he has shut himself down.'

Sorry that was so long but does what my friend say make any sense? I must also add that in this one month, I told my bf that however if I make a tiff again or complain/argue then I told him he's allowed to dump me. But if I suck it up and not complain to him, then he has to at least stick it through to the month. If my bf was thinking straight, he wouldn't have agreed to my promise. A person who thinks straight would not do it if it involved such a 'promise or else.' Also, my bf only had 'she is the one' thoughts with two people in his life. One was in college and the other was 5 whole years after that and that person is me. It took him 5 years after her to find someone he thought was the one. I can see how traumatic it is to see an end to that. Everyone keeps saying it's only 3 months, but if you look at it big-picture, it's 3 months with someone it took him 5 years to find. And someone I took a lifetime to find.

The sad part is him telling me that he's going to try but that he really doesnt think he can make me happy and that he thinks all of this will end up being pointless. That is the one point I agree stands really badly for me. I'm still deciding on what to do right now.

Edited February 29, 2008 by fray718

February 29, 2008

Before he dated me he had a second gf that he also dated for 3 months. He said they didn't argue and she never complained when they'd go a day without talking to each other. He said she seemed fine with it. Things were 'perfect' and smooth throughout. Yet he said he never had the feeling that he wanted to be with her forever or that she was ever the one. He broke up with her because he said 'it didnt feel right'...hahaha. I told him that I feel sorry for her. In fact, she was the gf we ran into on our third date and he had pointed her out to me. I remember looking at her and feeling jealous because while I didnt see her face I can tell how attractive and thin she looked. I'm kind of on the chubby side myself though I lost 7 pounds since dating my bf. Not sure what my point is, dont think I even have a point. But it feels like right now I'm just in mourning, mourning over the inevitable end of our relationship to come really soon.

February 29, 2008

Why do you feel so sure that he's "the one"? You haven't specified anything that suggests you guys have some cosmic, deep connection. Do you guys have anything more in common than insecurity? I get the sense the pain you're now experiencing has more to do with being rejected/abandoned than anything about losing him in particular. Avoiding abandonment has driven you throughout the relationship. It was never really about how you felt about him, but how he felt about you.

I hate to judge....but from the way you've described him he sounds nice, but a tad bit lame and underdeveloped, tbh. He doesn't know what he wants, kind of like you.

Right now you want him back because you're trying to prove to yourself that you can win him over again. You don't really want him; you're just trying to repair your damaged self esteem. Been there done that, and it didn't end pretty. If you do manage to win him over (which I doubt), the cycle will resume.

Edited February 29, 2008 by shadowplay

February 29, 2008

Why do you feel so sure that he's "the one"? You haven't specified anything that suggests you guys have some cosmic, deep connection. I get the sense the pain you're now experiencing has more to do with being rejected/abandoned than anything about losing him in particular. Avoiding abandonment has been your driving force throughout the relationship. It was never really about how you felt about him, imo, but how he felt about you.

I think you misread. I never thought he was the one. NEVER. Starting on the 4th date I thought he might POSSIBLY be the one until I realized he couldn't be, thus that is why I broke up with him the first time. I never even thought he was possibly the one again after that. But I got back with him because I felt lonely and I missed him. And each time I tried or broke up with him again because I felt like I was in the r/s only because I was lonely and it's not a good reason to be with someone, but each time I fail and get back with him all due to my loneliness. The pain I'm feeling right now is definitely due to rejection. It hurts. Eventhough I know that we won't work out, I'm still holding on to him mainly because 1) I hate rejection and 2) I feel lonely and I miss him. Both are not good reasons to hold on to someone.

But like I said I'm currently in mourning. Because eventhough we are for now temporarily 'together', our souls have drifted apart and the connection is no longer there. It's like I'm just here waiting for the inevitable end to come with not much more energy left. He txted me this morning that his weekend work got cancelled and he asked me if i wanted to watch a movie tonight. I just said yes. There was no more excitement. Just sadness. We are technically together, but in a way we are already pretty much broken up in reality.

February 29, 2008

I think you misread. I never thought he was the one. NEVER. Starting on the 4th date I thought he might POSSIBLY be the one until I realized he couldn't be, thus that is why I broke up with him the first time. I never even thought he was possibly the one again after that. But I got back with him because I felt lonely and I missed him. And each time I tried or broke up with him again because I felt like I was in the r/s only because I was lonely and it's not a good reason to be with someone, but each time I fail and get back with him all due to my loneliness. The pain I'm feeling right now is definitely due to rejection. It hurts. Eventhough I know that we won't work out, I'm still holding on to him mainly because 1) I hate rejection and 2) I feel lonely and I miss him. Both are not good reasons to hold on to someone.

But like I said I'm currently in mourning. Because eventhough we are for now temporarily 'together', our souls have drifted apart and the connection is no longer there. It's like I'm just here waiting for the inevitable end to come with not much more energy left. He txted me this morning that his weekend work got cancelled and he asked me if i wanted to watch a movie tonight. I just said yes. There was no more excitement. Just sadness. We are technically together, but in a way we are already pretty much broken up in reality.

You're rewriting history. If I remember correctly you said several times that you were in love with him, etc. Now that he's rejecting you, you change your story to make yourself feel better.

But you're right. I don't think you ever loved him. You just used him as a pawn in a battle with your self esteem.

February 29, 2008

UUUGGGGHHH - Fray you need to find yourself! You are so very insecure - you scream it in your posts! Such as the one on page 4 where an ex of his was clearly thinner. Indeed she may have been, but he wasn't with her was he? He was with YOU.

Obviously someone has put these thoughts in your head. I understand that as I was there too, my family did it to me. This is why I keep going back to telling you to seek therapy - I promise it helps! I can also assure you that each and every relationship you have before you gain more confidence will follow the same pattern.

You insecurities are what cause you to need so much contact, and so much validation and so much of everything. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you won't need those things. You may want them - but you won't NEED them.

As far as your post earlier (I can't remember what page) that there are times you are very childlike and say things you don't mean - frankly that is unacceptable - you are a grown woman and need to take responsibility for both what you do as well as what you say. Frankly I would say that to a child too - however I would have slightly lower expectations.

I do not understand what staying with this man is giving you, other than a reason to delay your healing process.

February 29, 2008

UUUGGGGHHH - Fray you need to find yourself! You are so very insecure - you scream it in your posts! Such as the one on page 4 where an ex of his was clearly thinner. Indeed she may have been, but he wasn't with her was he? He was with YOU.

Obviously someone has put these thoughts in your head. I understand that as I was there too, my family did it to me. This is why I keep going back to telling you to seek therapy - I promise it helps! I can also assure you that each and every relationship you have before you gain more confidence will follow the same pattern.

You insecurities are what cause you to need so much contact, and so much validation and so much of everything. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you won't need those things. You may want them - but you won't NEED them.

As far as your post earlier (I can't remember what page) that there are times you are very childlike and say things you don't mean - frankly that is unacceptable - you are a grown woman and need to take responsibility for both what you do as well as what you say. Frankly I would say that to a child too - however I would have slightly lower expectations.

I do not understand what staying with this man is giving you, other than a reason to delay your healing process.

She's trying to prove to herself that she can win him back.

February 29, 2008

In this post, December 18, you weren't even an official couple yet: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1454683&postcount=46

That's JUST over two months ago.

Since then, you've broken up and gotten back together THREE times.

In that same thread, you said he said he told you he was falling in love with you. When called on it, you admitted that he didn't love you, that he just liked you a lot.

In the thread before that, you thought he was "done" with you because he was indifferent towards you.

I think you make up his passion towards you in your head, Fray. It's as if this entire relationship is a figment of your imagination sometimes. I doubt he gives even a fraction of the brain space to this "relationship" that you do.

February 29, 2008

Here's an excerpt from a post you made over the summer, about another guy. Deja vu?

Then there was this misunderstanding a week ago, and he said something that was mean and hurtful, and I got so mad that I broke up with him and then he apologized and that's when I found out it was a misunderstanding BUT he just said he doesnt like drama either and he let me go! He didnt even chase after me!! I was so hurt!!! I was immature and eventhough he apologized I sent him a mean email telling him that I will give him a second chance if he acts less rude...and I did it in the bitchiest way possible! Ofcourse he said he's not interested and I got a blow to my self-esteem and felt 10x more hurt than before.

Then because of that me just wanting a bf thing, I freaking emailed him and apologized and basically told him that really I just want a bf to take me to my own birthday party coming up soon. I emailed him Sunday morning and haven't heard back since (he has a habit of not returning such emails of complicated issues until a week later...he takes alot of time to decide on things maybe i dunno). But for some reason, this time I have this really bad gut feeling that he isnt even going to reply....and it's hurting me....I guess when my birthday party comes in 3 weeks and no reply, well then that is my answer. Gosh, why do I do this to myself??? I don't even like him that much, but I still want him as my bf (because of my god damn ex who screwed my mind over). WTF!!!!! :lmao:

February 29, 2008

UUUGGGGHHH - Fray you need to find yourself! You are so very insecure - you scream it in your posts! Such as the one on page 4 where an ex of his was clearly thinner. Indeed she may have been, but he wasn't with her was he? He was with YOU.

Obviously someone has put these thoughts in your head. I understand that as I was there too, my family did it to me. This is why I keep going back to telling you to seek therapy - I promise it helps! I can also assure you that each and every relationship you have before you gain more confidence will follow the same pattern.

You insecurities are what cause you to need so much contact, and so much validation and so much of everything. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you won't need those things. You may want them - but you won't NEED them.

As far as your post earlier (I can't remember what page) that there are times you are very childlike and say things you don't mean - frankly that is unacceptable - you are a grown woman and need to take responsibility for both what you do as well as what you say. Frankly I would say that to a child too - however I would have slightly lower expectations.

I do not understand what staying with this man is giving you, other than a reason to delay your healing process.

Curious, you are right. I'm like a drug addict. I'm so addicted to all this yet I can't seem to get myself out of it. I feel so helpless. In fact, I used to be anorexic, which may explain my low self esteem and insecurity. I just feel so dead and empty inside right now. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I don't know how to cope.

February 29, 2008

She's trying to prove to herself that she can win him back.

You know, I don't think I even have the energy to do that. I KNOW I can't win him back. I can see it in his eyes that he's done with me. This is why I feel so empty inside.

February 29, 2008

She's trying to prove to herself that she can win him back.

Of course she can win him back - as someone posted earlier - he is likely only coming back to have sex (ok they didn't say it that way, but I can't repeat what they said)

February 29, 2008

he is likely only coming back to have sex (ok they didn't say it that way, but I can't repeat what they said)

Totally agree.

February 29, 2008

I think you make up his passion towards you in your head, Fray. It's as if this entire relationship is a figment of your imagination sometimes. I doubt he gives even a fraction of the brain space to this "relationship" that you do.

I would equate Fray in a relationship to say a blind man... lost in a dark forest... at night... with sunglasses on... and a bag over his head... without a cain... or a seeing eye dog... with frightening sounds all around.

I believe that Fray would not let her BF fall in love with her... It might have happened in time... but with poor treatment and constant drama it ensures relationship failure.

February 29, 2008

Fray,

You need to get out of all relationships and get happy with just yourself before you can even think about being happy with a man. As other posters have pointed out, you are lacking in self esteem. This is evident because of how much you "need" these men, even when you know it's over. I understand how you're feeling, all too well, I've been that girl, I could still be that girl, but I've been single again now for 10 months and living my own life and moving forward, without anyone to validate me but myself.

It's not so bad, you really should try it. Then maybe you'll be able to someday find the relationship you seek. Until then, if you continue this pattern, you're pretty much destined to keep reliving this same problem over and over again.

February 29, 2008

Good point. I'll just tell him I think it's best to not have sex until he makes his decision about me. If he says no, then he obviously is just in it for sex and well forget that. If he says yes, still don't know if he actually wants to try, but at least I wont get used.

This reminds me 2 years ago of this guy who tried to fwb me. Somehow, I was able to not give him any while he hung around me. I somehow managed to never cave into that one. Thank god, cuz I just recently learned that he's developed a reputation of being one of the biggest players at work.

February 29, 2008

Good point. I'll just tell him I think it's best to not have sex until he makes his decision about me. If he says no, then he obviously is just in it for sex and well forget that. If he says yes, still don't know if he actually wants to try, but at least I wont get used.

This reminds me 2 years ago of this guy who tried to fwb me. Somehow, I was able to not give him any while he hung around me. I somehow managed to never cave into that one. Thank god, cuz I just recently learned that he's developed a reputation of being one of the biggest players at work.

When were we discussing having sex? Maybe I missed something.

Break it off ENTIRELY. No contact. Nothing. Find YOURSELF. Build your OWN happiness that's not contigent upon having a man on your arm. This is really your best shot at having a shot in the future of a HEALTHY relationship.

Of course you can just continue on your current path and just have unhealthy relationships forever, but why would you want that for yourself?

February 29, 2008

When were we discussing having sex? Maybe I missed something.

Break it off ENTIRELY. No contact. Nothing. Find YOURSELF. Build your OWN happiness that's not contigent upon having a man on your arm. This is really your best shot at having a shot in the future of a HEALTHY relationship.

Of course you can just continue on your current path and just have unhealthy relationships forever, but why would you want that for yourself?

Yes best scenario would be for me to cut him off entirely. But I'm not choosing that path as of now so I guess lesser of two evils is be with him but not have sex with him. If you read some threads above, you will see that everyone is saying he is just promising to get back with me to get free sex. That he is just using me for sex.

February 29, 2008

Yes best scenario would be for me to cut him off entirely. But I'm not choosing that path as of now so I guess lesser of two evils is be with him but not have sex with him. If you read some threads above, you will see that everyone is saying he is just promising to get back with me to get free sex. That he is just using me for sex.

What isn't clear to me is what you are thinking of acheiving by staying with him?

February 29, 2008

What isn't clear to me is what you are thinking of acheiving by staying with him?

I'm not out to achieve anything. I just need some time to let him go and mourn because going cold turkey doesn't work for me.

February 29, 2008

I'm not out to achieve anything. I just need some time to let him go and mourn because going cold turkey doesn't work for me.

So you want a few weeks where you two slowly prepare to part with each other? Does he know this?

February 29, 2008

So you want a few weeks where you two slowly prepare to part with each other? Does he know this?

Yes, he knew this before I did. He is indifferent to all this. He doesn't seem to care whether in a few weeks we'd be lovers or just friends. That is why I made him promise, so that I know the timeline I have to let him go.

February 29, 2008

Yes, he knew this before I did. He is indifferent to all this. He doesn't seem to care whether in a few weeks we'd be lovers or just friends. That is why I made him promise, so that I know the timeline I have to let him go.

You're just delaying the loss. It will be just as hard to let go of him then as it is now. There's no point in dragging it out and causing you both more grief. You're exactly the kind of person who needs to go cold turkey since you have such trouble sticking to your guns.

February 29, 2008

I'm not out to achieve anything. I just need some time to let him go and mourn because going cold turkey doesn't work for me.

This sounds like something an addict in denial would say. I used to say this all the time when I was supposed to be getting sober, but I didn't really WANT to get sober.

February 29, 2008

And the cycle repeats

Never a good time or way to "let him go". It's always going to be "bad". You "mourn" after.

Let us know how your way works out....

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He finally broke up with me!!!

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