He finally broke up with me!!!

[lino]

But really, if he did care, cant he just FAKE it and tell me that 'yea ofcourse i'd call you, i'd love that, i'd love to always hear from you' as opposed to 'well, yea i guess i can try, i'll try to remember.' Seriuosly, that is why I'm so pissed at him. After all I do for him, set a freaking alarm to take his gosh darn sex pill, he cant even remmeber to call/txt me once a day! Maybe I'm unreasonable, maybe i'm pyscho but I don't know, I'm just so peeved and unhappy!!

 

Why would you even want this? Someone pretending to care about you enough by contacting you several times a day will make you happy? Really? I doubt it very much!

[D-Lish]

Do you really mean this Fray? Or, are you being gratuitious?

 

I don't know if I'd say you're psychotic, but your impulses are definitely erratic, and you are terribly emotionally unstable. I mean, I am sure in a more sober moment, you would have to agree that no one should put up with your tantrums, right?

 

I don't think anyone here is delighting in your breakup, as you intimated, but I do think they were all correct in saying you need some help, and some time away from relationships for a while.

 

 

NO ONE is feeling gratified over the pain of your break up!

Pain is pain- and seeing someone suffer isn't something most human beings want to see happen to another.

 

I do agree with Jilly that you have some impulse control issues, and that they are interfering with your ability to have a healthy relationship with someone.... Okay- having said that, this pattern of yours in not "undoable".

 

You seem to have some great insight into what your difficulties are.

I know that feeling of wanting so deseperately to handle things differently, but losing the impulse control. All this does is sabotage relationships that could otherwise be healthy and fulfilling.

 

Here me out here- I am sure your bf meant it when he said he can't make you happy. When we push the people we love into a corner- no matter how much they love us, eventually we will wear them down and push them away. No doubt he is frustrated and helpless when it comes to knowing how to handle you.

 

I have been a tantrum girl in the past. I have pushed many a good guy away by testing his limits and pushing his buttons just to convince myself he loved me.

 

You can learn from this. You have to want to make the change though- and make a concerted effort to do so. Yes talk therapy can help you.

 

Many men~ or just people in general will bolt from a needy person. They do so because it sucks the energy out of them. Try and look at your situation from your bf's perspective. He said he loved you, wanted to be with you... but you kept testing and insisting on more. I am not slamming you- I am just pointing out that this is about self sabotage here.... a self fulfilling prophecy if you will.

 

You don't believe you are worthy, that makes you insecure, so you need constant reassurance to feel good about your relationship and how dedicated he is to you. What ends up happening is that your behaviour will push the men you love away.

 

Independence and confidence is a quality partner's admire in a woman.

You have to learn to be secure with who you are. This guy loved you (and suspect still does)- he just didn't love your neediness. And for the record- in case you didn't realize it- you inspired the break up.... it's almost like you pushed it to happen.

 

Good place to start- where do these insecurities stem from?

Here are some questions you should ask yourself:

 

Why do you need constant reassurance to be happy in a relationship?

Why aren't you happy with yourself?

ARE you selfish in a relationship?

Do you want help, do you want to change?

Do you think you need to change?

 

Keep posting your story okay?

 

And PS... it's not possible to be friends with your ex so soon after the break up.... you're not being friends to one another... you're holding onto one another. This is your chance to make a difference.

Edited February 28, 2008 by D-Lish

[fray718]

Yes, indeed I did intentionally push him to break up with me. I wanted to do it so badly that day, and he kept asking me 'what are you trying to say/imply?' when I kept muttering 'i dont know' and 'i just dont see how this is going to work out' yet I could not get myself to say the actual break up words. I just couldn't do it.

 

The reason is, I just couldn't bring myself to hurt him that way again by 'abandoning' him. I know how much it hurts to be 'dumped' and I can't get myself to do it. I know he's not compatible with me. I just thought that if he's the one who does it though, it would make him 'hurt less' and make me feel 'less guilty'. And also, this would make it possible for us to remain friends. I also told him after the break up that I just wasn't ready for a relationship. And that now that we are broken up, all that 'craziness' inside of me went away because I don't expect anything from him anymore. Things are better this way.

 

The first time I broke up with him because I thought he's just not the one. And in fact once that feeling of him being the one went away, I lost interest in being with him as a couple. I was with him mainly because I missed him. The second time after I broke up with him I first asked if we can just be together as friends yet he was too mad at me to even want to talk to me anymore, so I thought the only way I can see him still was to be back with him. But now, it's like well I got what I wanted with him....to be able to see him but not be plauged by all the anxiety that comes with a relationship. But even though I got 'what i wanted', inside I'm still very sad because like all my friends and everyone here tells me, being friends with the ex will only cause more pain for both of us. But I figured if I don't be his friend, I'd crack and ask to get back with him which is even worse. But by letting him go first as a friend, it makes it more doable for me. I know this is crazy and selfish, but it's the only way that has ever worked for me in the past. Immediate clean breaks only made my impulses worse. The slowly letting go way seemed to work better.

[fray718]

Update!

 

I txted to ask if i can see him tonight and he was for the first time very short with me and just said 'see you saturday'. He was still uber nice with me yesterday when we agreed to be friends over the phone. Ugh, this is just not working. I'll just end up ruining both our saturdays. I think it's prob best if I just let it go and let us both move on quickly. You guys are right, this whole friends with ex thing is crap. It saddens me that I'll never get to see him again, but I'll get over it. I always do....

[fray718]

Why is it eventhough I've prepared myself for the breakup for so long, thought it over back and forth and in a way initiated it, and why eventhough this is the third time and it should be been there done that by now with him, why oh why must it still be THIS hard? Why must whoever it is that came up with breakups make them SO HARD!?!?!

[AriaIncognito]

Why is it eventhough I've prepared myself for the breakup for so long, thought it over back and forth and in a way initiated it, and why eventhough this is the third time and it should be been there done that by now with him, why oh why must it still be THIS hard? Why must whoever it is that came up with breakups make them SO HARD!?!?!

 

Breakups, are about 75% what we make of them, and 25% of actual problem. Looking back, my own worst enemy in a breakup was myself, not the man I was broken up with.

 

We are the ones that choose to hang on.

We are the ones that build the fantasy/fairy tale ending that will more than likely never happen unless it involves Tom Hanks or Meg Ryan.

We are the ones that tell ourselves "i'll never find anyone as good as X".

We are the ones that choose to keep ourselves in a mournful state longer than we need to be.

 

Now, I'm not saying there's no room for grieving, far from it. However, after it's been a few days or a week or whatever, you need to figure out a way to let yourself grieve a small percentage of the time while going out and living life and moving on a majority of the time.

 

It's really hard, and well I wish I'd have listened when the same advice was given to me, but of course we all learn on our own time. I hope for you, this time goes quickly and you're able to let go.

[curiousnycgirl]

Why is it eventhough I've prepared myself for the breakup for so long, thought it over back and forth and in a way initiated it, and why eventhough this is the third time and it should be been there done that by now with him, why oh why must it still be THIS hard? Why must whoever it is that came up with breakups make them SO HARD!?!?!

 

You are joking right? Are you now trying to say that once you decided to break up the first time, you were not really that into him? Come on Fray - let' s be honest.

 

Since your two break ups you told him you love him, you bought him what you consider to be a lavish valentine's day gift to "prove" your love to him, etc. etc.

 

So no I do not believe you prepared yourself, I believe when you got together it was fully with the intention of staying together forever. No one gets together (or back together) with the intent to end it.

 

Go through your mourning period and the move on. It will be hard, it's supposed to be. It's part of the growth process.

[fray718]

You are joking right? Are you now trying to say that once you decided to break up the first time, you were not really that into him? Come on Fray - let' s be honest.

 

Since your two break ups you told him you love him, you bought him what you consider to be a lavish valentine's day gift to "prove" your love to him, etc. etc.

 

So no I do not believe you prepared yourself, I believe when you got together it was fully with the intention of staying together forever. No one gets together (or back together) with the intent to end it.

 

Go through your mourning period and the move on. It will be hard, it's supposed to be. It's part of the growth process.

 

Just a week ago everyone tells me that I don't actually love him, that I'm just using him and that I only got him gifts because I expected them in return. Now after he dumps me, everyone tells me that I do in fact love him and want to be with him forever. Don't even know which it is anymore.

[fray718]

When he was short with me today and refused to see me today, I suddenly missed him so much that I wanted to get back with him again (it's an endless tiring cycle). He ofcourse told me that it just wouldn't work out and he's sick of me arguing with him all the time. I literally begged for another chance and he said that he'll try but that he doesn't think it's gonna go very far.

 

I talked to him in person for 1-2 hours today. We just reminiscienced about the time we've had together and about the past occurrences, as to why i broke up with him and how our feelings evolved throughout. He said I was the second girl he ever thought about wanting to be with forever and that he thought we'd be together forever until I broke up with him the first time. He said since then he forced himself to shut off his emotions and that everytime we had a tiff that his emotions became less and less. Now he says he basically feels nothing for me. When he said that, I knew he meant it, and I felt the most intense pain ever probably in my entire life. I knew I did this all to myself. I cried pretty much throughout while he maintained his usual straight face. He said he's trying right now (cuz I told him to earlier)..he's gonna try to see if he can get some feelings back for me.

 

I asked him if we could just be together for 3 more weeks since we had plans to go to Great America in just 2 weeks. He said i was weird and he said it's pointless but he agreed nonetheless. Then I changed my mind and I told him that we should be together for more than just 3 weeks, i asked 'why don't we be together for longer instead?' He said in his usual monotonous voice 'why? There's no point when we both know it's not going to work out. I'm not going to make you happy and you know it. I can feel it too.' I told him 'because i'm crazy. I often want things even when I know it's not right.'

 

He told me i'm weird. Then I told him 'just for a month then' and I said 'promise to be my bf for just another month, until march 28...but i mean you have to try though. You have to still have hope for us.'....I made him promise to not dump me for the next month (given that I dont argue with him during the time) and to try to regain feelings for me and I told him to cross his heart and swear and that if he breaks his promise then really bad things will happen to him. He asked me 'what bad things?' and I said 'anything i can imagine.' He promised me. I said 'you can't date anyone else, only me, for this month' and he said 'ok'. Then I said 'yay!' and he said 'we can still go to great america together' and i said 'yup!' and he said 'you're such a dork' and he teasingly poked me in the back as we were lying in bed.

 

I don't think I've ever felt this sad over someone in my entire life. It was just the way things panned out today. It was so strange. So bleak. I kissed him before I left and walked to my car.

Edited February 29, 2008 by fray718

[AriaIncognito]

Moral of your last post appears to be that you'll be single and posting about unhappiness starting on 3/29 instead of now.

 

You're beating a dead horse. You shouldn't have to get someone to agree to not dump you for a month. There shouldn't be any dumping to begin with. If there is, there's obviously a reason.

[Lauriebell82]

Ok, Fray seriously, I know that you are confused or whatever, but I can't believe what you just posted. Why the heck did you have to make him promise not to dump you? What is the point? And staying together just to go a trip together? That's not adult-like behavior. I think you are still somewhat immature and need some help on how to have an adult relationship.

 

Please, you gotta let this poor kid go. And PULEASE get some therapy..your last post just verified how much you need it, and it will help you!!!!!!

[Star Gazer]

He told me i'm weird. Then I told him 'just for a month then' and I said 'promise to be my bf for just another month, until march 28...but i mean you have to try though. You have to still have hope for us.'....I made him promise to not dump me for the next month (given that I dont argue with him during the time) and to try to regain feelings for me and I told him to cross his heart and swear and that if he breaks his promise then really bad things will happen to him. He asked me 'what bad things?' and I said 'anything i can imagine.' He promised me. I said 'you can't date anyone else, only me, for this month' and he said 'ok'. Then I said 'yay!' and he said 'we can still go to great america together' and i said 'yup!' and he said 'you're such a dork' and he teasingly poked me in the back as we were lying in bed.

 

That literally sounds like a conversation I had with this little boy named Bobby (boy was he cute...) in the playhouse of my kindergarten's playground when I was 5 years old...

[fray718]

My guy friend told me 'listen to me, fray, the guy tells you he doesnt feel anything for you right now, but that's not true. That is just a coping mechanism. He might have shut down his emotions temporarily. But give it a few days or so and trust me he's gonna feel something if he's human.'....do you think my friend is right?

 

I feel so strange right now. The pain I felt when he muttered those words 'i dont feel much for you anymore, at all' really hurt like hell. He doesn't hate me, he's just apathetic. I've never had a guy appear to feel so apathetic towards me EVER and it really really hurts...

[Jilly Bean]

Moral of your last post appears to be that you'll be single and posting about unhappiness starting on 3/29 instead of now.

 

That's hysterical. OMG!

 

But I think she'll be posting FAR sooner than 3/29 as I don't think he's going to stick around longer than a week. He already told her he has no feelings for her and doesn't want to be with her.

 

It's pretty Alex from Fatal Attraction what she's doing now, IMO. The whole dramatic begging for him back, how she won't let him go. It's really rather sick...

[fray718]

That's hysterical. OMG!

 

But I think she'll be posting FAR sooner than 3/29 as I don't think he's going to stick around longer than a week. He already told her he has no feelings for her and doesn't want to be with her.

 

If he doesnt even try to stick around for longer than a week, then he's breaking a really scary promise (bad things happening). The fact that he made the promise and especially in such an apathetic way actually now strikes me as very very strange.

[shadowplay]

If he doesnt even try to stick around for longer than a week, then he's breaking a really scary promise (bad things happening). The fact that he made the promise and especially in such an apathetic way actually now strikes me as very very strange.

 

Do you really want somebody who you have to beg to be with you? That can't be good for your self esteem.

[fray718]

Do you really want somebody who you have to beg to be with you? That can't be good for your self esteem.

 

I know, it is the regret and hatred I have for myself for turning someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me into this, which is nothing left. But according to my friend, his apatheticism is just temporary and that it's a coping mechanism. I've had days like this before where for some time I feel nothing for him then the feelings come back. I just hope this is the case with my (once again) boyfriend. I know its sick what I do, but it's like I can't help it.

[Star Gazer]

I know, it is the regret and hatred I have for myself for turning someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me into this, which is nothing left.

 

You're kidding yourself here, Fray. Seriously.

[fray718]

You're kidding yourself here, Fray. Seriously.

 

Um no, I'm just repeating what he told me just earlier today. He said when we first went out that he 'wanted us to be together forever' and that he thought i was 'the one'...and he had hinted this to me at the time as well...until ofcourse I broke up with him for the first time and it all went to hell....

[Star Gazer]

Um no, I'm just repeating what he told me just earlier today. He said when we first went out that he 'wanted us to be together forever' and that he thought i was 'the one'...and he had hinted this to me at the time as well...until ofcourse I broke up with him for the first time and it all went to hell....

 

*Sigh*

 

You don't get it. You likely never will.

[Lauriebell82]

I know, it is the regret and hatred I have for myself for turning someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me into this, which is nothing left. But according to my friend, his apatheticism is just temporary and that it's a coping mechanism. I've had days like this before where for some time I feel nothing for him then the feelings come back. I just hope this is the case with my (once again) boyfriend. I know its sick what I do, but it's like I can't help it.

 

No you CAN help it. That's just an excuse people use to continue erractic and destructive behavior. I don't think you realize how twisted this sounds. You begged him to get back with one for one month, and then cursed him by telling him something bad will happen if he dumps you before the month is up. Do you not get how weird that sounds? He even called you weird!!!!

 

Come on now, please just end it with this guy and try to get better. Get some therapy, I guarantee that your therapist will tell you the same thing I just did.

[Lishy]

Hey this girl is real and she is hurting.

 

I see alot of advice from people who do not follow their own advice, and wake up and smell the coffee! You should only give advice that you are willing to take!

 

Fray I am guessing that you are really young and really full of insecurities.

 

Your guy has told you how he feels honey, you just need to find a way of dealing with that and I wish you all the strength to do it!

xx

[Lauriebell82]

Hey this girl is real and she is hurting.

 

I see alot of advice from people who do not follow their own advice, and wake up and smell the coffee! You should only give advice that you are willing to take!

 

Fray I am guessing that you are really young and really full of insecurities.

 

Your guy has told you how he feels honey, you just need to find a way of dealing with that and I wish you all the strength to do it!

xx

 

Which is why she needs therapy. When someone says "they can't help the way they are" or have such irregular thinking patterns, then they have to be challenged. Straight sympathy/supportive counseling doesn't usually help them change the behavior, it just reinforces it actually. I'm probably one of the nicer posters who are challenging her because I'm trying to make her see that her behavior can helped and changed and that she's not just a "victim" in this whole thing. I work with some clients who have been convicted of a crime, and they think that the were wrongly convicted and that they can't help the way they are. That it's the criminal justice system who "wrongly convicted them" or whatever. It's just the way they justify breaking the law. Just like Fray is justifying what is happening with her ex/current bf.

 

Fray I know you are hurting and I sympthasize with you, but you have to realize your behavior is incongruent in order to change it. Do you realize it? Because if you don't, therapy is not going to help.

 

Oh and Fray is like 25 I think, which I think is too old to be doing these kinds of behaviors.

[curiousnycgirl]

OK this is scary. Fray let's be serious, this guy did not dump you - you pushed him into a corner, so he agreed that he could never make you happy.

 

I'm not sure what masochistic tendencies he has that make him keep up this dance, but that is a whole other issue.

 

The issue here, on this thread right now, is YOU. If your b/f posts, then it will be about him.

 

1. You keep pushing him away

2. You have acknowledged that this guy really can't make you happy

3. You have implied that you have been easing into this break up for weeks now.

4. You are now saying if he breaks up with you something bad will happen?

 

Newsflash he's never really broken up with you!!!! How can you threaten him in that manner?! And why do you want to perpetuate this?

 

I know that withdrawal is painful and emoitional - but you need to get through it to be able to move on. What you are doing right now is so very unhealthy.

 

Think of it like cigarettes. You start to quit, but want one soooo badly - should you have that one? Of course not, cigarettes will never be good for you. Each time you overcome that urge, you are stronger for it. And each cigarette you don't smoke makes you that much healthier.

 

Fray I don't even know what to tell you at this point. You begged him back, and now we all seem to be telling you to end it again. I actually don't think that is at all fair to your EX b/f, it's more push me pull you.

 

You really have put yourself in quite a pickle here. How's the therapist hunt going for you?

[lino]

I asked him if we could just be together for 3 more weeks since we had plans to go to Great America in just 2 weeks. He said i was weird and he said it's pointless but he agreed nonetheless. Then I changed my mind and I told him that we should be together for more than just 3 weeks, i asked 'why don't we be together for longer instead?' He said in his usual monotonous voice 'why? There's no point when we both know it's not going to work out. I'm not going to make you happy and you know it. I can feel it too.' I told him 'because i'm crazy. I often want things even when I know it's not right.'

 

He told me i'm weird. Then I told him 'just for a month then' and I said 'promise to be my bf for just another month, until march 28...but i mean you have to try though. You have to still have hope for us.'....I made him promise to not dump me for the next month (given that I dont argue with him during the time) and to try to regain feelings for me and I told him to cross his heart and swear and that if he breaks his promise then really bad things will happen to him. He asked me 'what bad things?' and I said 'anything i can imagine.' He promised me. I said 'you can't date anyone else, only me, for this month' and he said 'ok'. Then I said 'yay!' and he said 'we can still go to great america together' and i said 'yup!' and he said 'you're such a dork' and he teasingly poked me in the back as we were lying in bed.

 

surely this isn't serious.

 

The only reason this guy would have agreed to such a ridiculous agreement is because he knows no matter what that he's going to get some p*ssy that he doesn't have to work for & that even if you leave you'll just come back like you've already done like 3/4 times. Don't you see that?

If he genuinely agreed to your demand he would have 1st of all been one of the most gutless guys alive & secondly he would have asked you to promise the same back to him!

this guy doesn't view you as gf material at all & I don't blame him one bit. A fwb arrangement is the best you'll get from this.