fray718 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Ok guys I know you all wanted to hear this one, well yup, my 'poor' bf finally broke up with me! Just wanted to throw it out to all those who were waiting for it to happen so you can all celebrate! Enjoy!
Star Gazer Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Weird. I literally was just looking for this thread... as in, I did a search for your last thread, wondering what the status was. This is best for both of you, Fray. In time you'll see that.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Fray - I am very sorry as I am sure you are hurting. No one will celebrate the fact that you are hurting, or even that your boyfriend broke up with you. However we are all very hopeful that you will seek the therapy many of us have suggested you likely need - so that you will be more comfortable with yourself, and ready for the next relationship. As we say to everyone when a relationship ends, now is the time to work on you and take care of you. Good luck.
Angels&Airwaves Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I would just put on Angels and Airwaves’ I-Empire album and listen to it over and over again, Everything’s Magic and Secret Crowds will no doubt lift you spirits and remind that you, that no matter how bad things get, there’s always hope for the future.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Fray , Im sorry to hear that you and your bf broke up, but it was for the best. That guy had you on an emotional roller coaster for the longest. Im sure you will miss the the good times that you two shared, but it seemed like there was more bad than good. Take some time to self heal and go out with friends and family. Treat this experience as a lesson for your next relationship. Write down all your Pros & Cons about your relationship and apply it to the next one. Learn and Obeserve!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Fray, I am not happy or excited that your bf broke up with you. I'm sorry that that happened. But I agree with the others saying that it probably is for the best. I don't think either of you are ready for an adult long-term relationship. But take this break up/relationship and learn from it. And your relationship was fairly short term so you will get over it quick. Hang in there!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Fray, would you be willing to tell us what happened? Maybe we can help.
Author fray718 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 (edited) Fray, would you be willing to tell us what happened? Maybe we can help. I dont know if it's the combination of being on the pill for the first time last week and having the cold/flu or whatever, but everything was ok until last week I became extra needy/impatient. I txted/called him like abnormally more than normal. I initiated like 80% of it and the rest he only initiated it because I hinted at him to do it. Well same thing happenend this week and this morning I called him and asked if he's comfortable that I call/txt him this much (it's not even that much, but more like once or twice a day) and he just said 'yea, i'm...ok with it...i dont mind it.' Then I asked 'would you be comfortable with calling/txting me the same amount?' and he said 'well, i'm not used to that...i mean if you want me to, I can sort of give it a try.' I asked him how often he spoke to his exes and he said not often and that they'd go a whole day not having any contact and both were fine with it. I told him I"m used to my ex initiaiting contact (via IM) like every hour or so and he seemed shocked by that and I told him I don't expect that much but just once or twice a day will be nice. He just said 'i dont have the compulsion to contact u every hour like that, i dont have that desire, but i mean i can try to txt/call at least once a day or maybe twice.' At that point I just kinda went crazy and mad and I told him that it defeats the whole purpose when he's just doing it just because I tell him to. It's such a chore for him! He just tells me it doesnt occur to him to txt me and he said he's going to try to remember. I get peeved and yell at him 'why is it so hard? cant u set an alarm? (I guess I resent him because I set the alarm to take the pill exactly at 2pm everyday and just wonder why its so hard for him to remmeber just to txt his gf!) I ask him how often he thinks of me and he said 'all the time' and i said it doesnt make sense that he claims to think of me all the time if he doesnt even care to txt me to see how I'm doing. And esp since I'm sick! When he was sick last week I txted him or called him at least once a day to check up on him but he doesnt even do that to me. Then I go on to ask him if he actually loves me or cares about me, etc etc. He tells me he's going to 'try' to text me and I just bark at him telling him it just defeats the purpose and that I'm very unhappy and that I don't know if it's going to work out. I just go crazy and keep repeating 'i dont know'. I ask him if he's even going to be sad if he never sees me again and he asks me 'what r u trying to say?' and I just say 'i dont know' then I start to sob and hang up the phone. 30 mins later i txt him 'I'm so conflicted, i love u but i feel so hurt, unloved and unhappy this past week. I dont know anymore. Can things actually work out?' He replied 3 mins later 'It doesnt sound like i will be able to make you happy' He is right. But I'm still sad cuz I'm uncontrollably psychotic and because I still miss him. And yes I got what I deserve to those who hate me. Edited February 28, 2008 by fray718
curiousnycgirl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Fray - No one hates you and no you are not uncontrollably psychotic - you just need to become more comfortable in your own skin, and lose some of your insecurities. I completely understand your issue of not wanting your b/f to call because you told him to, but wanting him to want to. But by telling him you'll never be able to figure out why he's calling. More important you need to get to a point where you don't think about these things! Clearly this man was not the one for you - because he doesn't do things that are important to you. The key for you is to get to a point where you are ok with that too.
Jilly Bean Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I'm still sad cuz I'm uncontrollably psychotic Do you really mean this Fray? Or, are you being gratuitious? I don't know if I'd say you're psychotic, but your impulses are definitely erratic, and you are terribly emotionally unstable. I mean, I am sure in a more sober moment, you would have to agree that no one should put up with your tantrums, right? I don't think anyone here is delighting in your breakup, as you intimated, but I do think they were all correct in saying you need some help, and some time away from relationships for a while.
Author fray718 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Clearly this man was not the one for you - because he doesn't do things that are important to you. The key for you is to get to a point where you are ok with that too. Can you explain? Do you mean be ok with it as in accept it and still want to be with someone when they are like that in the future? Or you mean be ok with it and to accept the breakup as a good thing and to find someone who can give me the important things I want? Thanks.
Star Gazer Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I don't know if I'd say you're psychotic, but your impulses are definitely erratic, and you are terribly emotionally unstable. I mean, I am sure in a more sober moment, you would have to agree that no one should put up with your tantrums, right? I don't think anyone here is delighting in your breakup, as you intimated, but I do think they were all correct in saying you need some help, and some time away from relationships for a while. Agreed. Also... What's with your over-use of this: ? I mean, it seems like everything that's even remotely uncomfortable to you causes you to feel . You've GOT to find a way to deal with your emotions.
Author fray718 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Update! I miss him alot so I called him to ask him to be friends. He called me back and agreed to it. I hate to say it but I'm just not good with clean breaks. I've always needed a few weeks to truly let go of someone. I'm gonna see him this Saturday because he's working Friday. My friends tell me I'm selfish but unless I do this I know I'm going to just ask him to get back together again which will be even more humiliating. I know I'm weak.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Can you explain? Do you mean be ok with it as in accept it and still want to be with someone when they are like that in the future? Or you mean be ok with it and to accept the breakup as a good thing and to find someone who can give me the important things I want? Thanks. What I meant was that if you are dating someone who is not meeting your needs, you don't throw a fit and insist they change. You determine if it's a deal breaker or not. If it's a deal breaker, you move on. As so many of us keep saying to you Fray - you need to work on yourself to be ready for a long term, adult relationship. If you continue to follow your current patterns, each relationship will be the same. Stormy and unfulfilling for either one of you. To tell the truth I do feel badly for your now ex. You pushed him into a corner and basically forced him to break up with you. He wanted to make you happy - but no matter what he said on the call you described you were going to attack him. Bless his heart he really tried. Now you are back in touch with him (how many hours later?) - I am willing to bet you will try to get back together with him. Please fight that urge - you are not ready.
Star Gazer Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 My friends tell me I'm selfish ... Your poor EX BF! I guess there's use for one of these after all:
Jilly Bean Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Your poor EX BF! I guess there's use for one of these after all: LMAO. Star - if I hold your hair back, will you return the favor?
Star Gazer Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 LMAO. Star - if I hold your hair back, will you return the favor? Totally. Seriously, Fray. Sometimes I just see you as such a petulant child. Literally stomping your feet and throwing hissy fits when you don't get your way. I'm curious what kind of relationships you have with friends, family, colleagues? Do you have as difficult a time with any other type of relationship?
Author fray718 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Well whether I 'forced' him to break up with me or not, his non-calling IS a deal-breaker for me and that's basically the one thing that has been bothering me since our third week of dating. We dated for 3 months up till today. Other things that bugged me about him came and went, but this whole non-calling thing is a weekly battle I fight. I've told him about 3 times to call/txt me more and he'd do it for a day or two after I remind him, but afterward he'd just go back to MIA. I was learning to just accept it but then when he didnt get me a V day gift I just became really pissed and feel like this is all not worth it. I get him his ipod, card, take care of him when he's sick, i'm there for him, always calling/txting him everyday when he was sick to check up on him, i go on the pill (and for the past week he said he suspects the pill is what made me puke and is making me more sick than I should because I started the pill and got the cold/flu at the same time, yet he never uttered a word to tell me to possibly stop taking it for a bit). I caught the flu from him too while I took care of him yet he never txted me this past week to see how I"m doing. I dont know, I'm just so bitter and resentful right now. He kept telling me over the phone that just cuz he doesnt express it the same way it doesnt mean he doesnt care. But really, if he did care, cant he just FAKE it and tell me that 'yea ofcourse i'd call you, i'd love that, i'd love to always hear from you' as opposed to 'well, yea i guess i can try, i'll try to remember.' Seriuosly, that is why I'm so pissed at him. After all I do for him, set a freaking alarm to take his gosh darn sex pill, he cant even remmeber to call/txt me once a day! Maybe I'm unreasonable, maybe i'm pyscho but I don't know, I'm just so peeved and unhappy!!
curiousnycgirl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 He was being honest, he said he would try. You did not date him for 3 months straight - you dated him on and off over the course of 3 months. Your treatment of him was incredibly mecurial - one minute you are furious and he is not "the one." Within only a few days you are buying him an IPOD for Valentine's day to show him how muc you love him. Then you are furioius he didn't buy you something, so in reality you didn't buy it because you love him, you bought it in exchange for what he was going to buy you. The next moment you are telling him you love him. I am not saying you are psycho, I am saying you are enormously insecure and erratic and need to sort yourself out before you can enter into a healthy relationship. How come you always ignore that part of my posts? I guess you really don't want help here. You just come to hear that you are correct and poor you. Hey I wish you all the best - but I can tell you it's not going to get you what you want.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I forgot to say - despite the fact that your break ups were each short lived, you need to think about how badly those break ups affected your relationship. Your push me pull you approach erroded the relationship more than anything else.
Author fray718 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) He was being honest, he said he would try. You did not date him for 3 months straight - you dated him on and off over the course of 3 months. Your treatment of him was incredibly mecurial - one minute you are furious and he is not "the one." Within only a few days you are buying him an IPOD for Valentine's day to show him how muc you love him. Then you are furioius he didn't buy you something, so in reality you didn't buy it because you love him, you bought it in exchange for what he was going to buy you. The next moment you are telling him you love him. I am not saying you are psycho, I am saying you are enormously insecure and erratic and need to sort yourself out before you can enter into a healthy relationship. How come you always ignore that part of my posts? I guess you really don't want help here. You just come to hear that you are correct and poor you. Hey I wish you all the best - but I can tell you it's not going to get you what you want. First time we broke up, we were apart for only 2 weekdays. Second time we broke up we were apart for less than 24 hours so we were only 'off dating' for 3 days....3 days I normally won't hear from him anyway. But I guess that aside from the fact for now. I'm not ignoring your advice. I'm erratic and I know it, which is why I call myself 'psychotic.' But at the same time I just need to vent my anger onto this forum. Plus I'm really trying to let him go. I really am. The fact that I'm so insecure and erratic is also PART of the reason why it's so hard for me to just let him go. I have to 'force' him to break up with me because I've tried twice to do it myself and I can't do it. And this time I just can't find it in me to do it. It's true when I say I can't leave him even if I want to. Don't worry I pretty much have two friends who've dragged me to find a therapist. And really, I appreciate your advice and I hope you keep giving them because I'm definitly reading them even if it seems like I'm not. Edited February 28, 2008 by fray718
curiousnycgirl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I know your break ups were very short, and between them I know you expressed signficant disappointment in your ex. Behaviour like this kills the trust - so despite the fact that the break ups were short - they were likely very damaging to the relationship. So when you say that you are your ex had been dating for 3 months, you are implying that it was a continuous, loving relationship - which it was not. That was my point. I am very glad your friends are taking you to see a therapist - and I hope you are open to it and gain the benefits that will help you deal with all this.
Author fray718 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 I know your break ups were very short, and between them I know you expressed signficant disappointment in your ex. Behaviour like this kills the trust - so despite the fact that the break ups were short - they were likely very damaging to the relationship. So when you say that you are your ex had been dating for 3 months, you are implying that it was a continuous, loving relationship - which it was not. That was my point. I am very glad your friends are taking you to see a therapist - and I hope you are open to it and gain the benefits that will help you deal with all this. Thanks curious. One thing I wonder, do you think he is someone who could have been right for me? I think the saddest part of this is possibly him being someone I could actually spend the rest of my life being happy with had I been 'healthy' to start with and not so crazy. In a way, I hope he was someone who's wrong for me anyway, so that I'd feel less grief over this break up. But I dont know.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks curious. One thing I wonder, do you think he is someone who could have been right for me? I think the saddest part of this is possibly him being someone I could actually spend the rest of my life being happy with had I been 'healthy' to start with and not so crazy. In a way, I hope he was someone who's wrong for me anyway, so that I'd feel less grief over this break up. But I dont know. Actually I think not. You want someone who will "feed and water" the relationship more than this guy was able to. There are guys like that out there - for me they always seem to be too needy - but they sound right up your alley. You kept asking this guy to do things that were just not in him to do naturally, so no I don't think he was necessarily what you were looking for. Once again let me say I do not think you are crazy, I think you are insecure and uncomfortable in your own skin, and I believe therapy will help you significantly.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Everybody here seems to blame fray. While I agree she has made lots of mistakes, I'm pretty sure that this guy's calling pattern would have remained the same even if fray was 100% perfect girlfriend (she said after all that he was like that since the beginning). From reading her posts, I have always had a feeling that this guy didn't really care all that much, even the fact that he took her back after breakups doesn't mean anything. He could have been like "Eh whatever" and just went with the flow in the hope of getting a bit more of the sex. The thing is, even though fray is insecure, when we are in the "wrong" relationship our insecurites grow exponentially. Requesting more contact after 3 months is not unreasonable at all.
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