dfreeman Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Hi all, I have been broken up with my ex of 5 years for about 8 weeks and I just made my first move to go out on a date since. (Background: we stopped sleeping together in November and the break was close to 4 months coming before it became official in early Jan). This woman is somebody I knew (and liked a LOT) briefly a couple years before my last relationship and I just found out through a friend that she has been single since September. I am safe in that my ex doesn't know her (might mean less drama for me ), but my main concern is what I might be doing to myself. I hold little-to-zero hope that my ex and I will reconcile, and I only have to contact her with stuff related to the buyout of the house, but she is still in my head quite a bit. Am I just being selfish seeking out another woman so quick? How slow do I start with this new woman? She has spunk and sparkle in areas that my last relationship lacked - is this attached to some rebound function in my brain? She just went through the same thing I did (owning a house with her ex, but selling it together as opposed to our buyout) - is this going to be a scary first date? We were friends in the past - if it gets too weird, should I fall back into friend mode? Please help - I think my intentions are good and I just want to spend some time with a woman that doesn't have the anger and coldness of my ex! Oh, and I forgot to mention how cute she is (think of a good cross between Meg Ryan and Diane Keaton).
CaliGuy Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 General rule of thumb: If you can go out on a date and not talk or think about your ex, you're ready to date. If you can not, don't do it.
Author dfreeman Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 ...can't I just leave my thumb at home? Thanks Cali, At the time I made the date, I had those intentions (she doesn't even know my ex, I don't know hers and we only have three friends in common), but I was hoping that both of us could use the break from talking about breakup crap. She knows the timeline of my situation and having just gone through this three months earlier, she will probably approach this more like a friend-date anyways Is your advice strict or general rule-ish? I can't bring myself to cancel on her, so should I try to set some rules up ahead of time? Is it okay if she feels like talking about her break?
sedgwick Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 DO IT!!!! If I am ever capable of being attracted to anyone again, I'll go out with him in a heartbeat! She sounds great, and if you're even capable of looking at anyone else 8 weeks after your breakup, go for it! Just go do something casual -- maybe go out to lunch so it doesn't feel so much like a "date." Just hang out and don't put any pressure on yourselves.
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 ...can't I just leave my thumb at home? Thanks Cali, At the time I made the date, I had those intentions (she doesn't even know my ex, I don't know hers and we only have three friends in common), but I was hoping that both of us could use the break from talking about breakup crap. She knows the timeline of my situation and having just gone through this three months earlier, she will probably approach this more like a friend-date anyways Is your advice strict or general rule-ish? I can't bring myself to cancel on her, so should I try to set some rules up ahead of time? Is it okay if she feels like talking about her break? Yarg! Do NOT talk about your ex on a date. And if she starts talking about hers, nip it in the bud. I once dated a guy, briefly when I had just broken up with someone, and he had as well. All we did when we were together was talk about our ex's. It was extremely unhealthy.
Author dfreeman Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 DO IT!!!! If I am ever capable of being attracted to anyone again, I'll go out with him in a heartbeat! She sounds great, and if you're even capable of looking at anyone else 8 weeks after your breakup, go for it! Just go do something casual -- maybe go out to lunch so it doesn't feel so much like a "date." Just hang out and don't put any pressure on yourselves. We are meeting at a bar of her choice (not picking her up, not doing the full dinner thing) - this should be casual enough? Thanks for the encouragement!
Author dfreeman Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 Yarg! Do NOT talk about your ex on a date. And if she starts talking about hers, nip it in the bud. I once dated a guy, briefly when I had just broken up with someone, and he had as well. All we did when we were together was talk about our ex's. It was extremely unhealthy. A friend of mine made this suggestion: If the subject comes up (and it will), just respond with details about the practical elements of the break up. She suggested I just let her know that the break is amicable, you are processing the buyout, have moved out to get separation and closure - steer the conversation to a place that doesn't really include the ex. Personally, I wouldn't mind finding out where she is with herself following her last relationship, but I am not real interested in how it went bad. I plan on just giving her the same courtesy that I expect for myself.
Goodin Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I tried to date soon after me and my ex broke up (I was the one that broke up too) and I realized I still had feelings for my ex and I felt it was wrong to lead on another woman, so I stopped. So yeah I agree totally with CaliGuys advice. But there is no harm in trying! One date won't hurt...just keep it friendly and casual.
sandflea Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Freeman! Best of luck - you sound like you have your head on straight - and if she does too, just take it SLOW, and remember to have fun. I'm only about 2 months out, and my situation is a bit more complicated, so I'm not out of the gate yet. I'll live vicariously through you for now! LOL~! SF
prisonbreak Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 The only way you'll know (if you'll think about your ex) is to try it. Go on the date and see how you do. It'll be a nice change of pace from the conversations you keep having with yourself! I say go for it!
Author dfreeman Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Goodin ~ Good point - if I at all feel that I am leading her on, I will probably freak-out and flip the switch into friend mode myself? SF ~ Thanks man - I will keep your advice right in the hip pocket Saturday night and remember that I am going out to have a good time with a fun (and cute) woman. PB ~ Welcome back PB and thanks for the encouragement (I love it...all the women are telling me to go for it)! Funny thing is, I decided to call her because I was sick and tired of having those conversations with myself.
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Again, I don't think anyone should date until you are sure the thought of your ex or talking about them during the date won't happen. Until then, get to know YOU better (and I don't mean personal gratification). I mean just get to know who you are again and what you like to do. Essentially, find yourself again!
PinkRibbon Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 You'll know when you are ready for dating. But I think it is great that you are able to get out there. Enjoy the dateand don't think about anyone else but you and your date. Good luck!
Author dfreeman Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Again, I don't think anyone should date until you are sure the thought of your ex or talking about them during the date won't happen. Sure? Wow - I'd be waiting for 5 years if I wanted to be sure that I won't think about my ex. We were very close friends for almost four years and together for 5 years, so I don't think I will be doing much of anything for a while without little thoughts of her popping into my head? Your advice is always solid and consistent, so I will be trying my best to adhere to what you say. Right now, I think the best I can do is just acknowledge my current situation if it comes up in conversation and steer the subject towards happier subjects.
Author dfreeman Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 You'll know when you are ready for dating. But I think it is great that you are able to get out there. Enjoy the dateand don't think about anyone else but you and your date. Good luck! I think the ready part will be debated on here, and rightfully so, but I really just want to spend a few hours enjoying this woman's company. If you count the last 4 months of my relationship with X, I haven't been on a fun date in about 6 months (and most of the ones before that weren't great with X either). I really like this woman's energy and always had a good feel for her kooky/spunky personality - after 5 years of anger and control, I think I just need to go out with someone that will let things fly around freely for a few hours. Is it possible in my case, that because I was actually being controlled for so long that getting out there might be more important than being ready?
eagle5 Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Go and have a good time mate, if it takes your mind off your ex then it's got to be good. Just take it easy......good luck
prisonbreak Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Absolutely!! Studies show attitude follows behavior, before everyone thought it was the other way around (attitude then behavior). So, if this is true, then we need to start doing and hope the attitude follows. Take the gym for instance, if you waited until you felt ready to go, you'd probably never get there. Sometimes you have to just go do it 1st and then your attitude will follow. Everyone has their opinion, what works for CaliGuy might not work for you. I actually ended up going on a date, it was such a growing experience for me. I wasn't ready, but thought I was. He knew I had just gotten out of a serious relationship. I ended thinking about my ex the whole time. Later, when he asked me out again, I just said, "I thought I was ready to date, but I realized I wasn't" and I explained a few more things, but he graciously thanked me for my honesty. Now I wouldn't have known this until I got out there. Hopefully for you, you'll want a 2nd date! Everyones outcomes are different. I wouldn't stress out about it now, before the date...just go and have fun. She sounds like a fun and upbeat girl, (which means no pressure or stress) and thats the kinda people you need to be around.
Roller EastCoaster Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Dfree, you know what I would say.. go for it! I know how emotionally fragile or unstable or vulnerable we can be after a breakup, but common, its not the end of the world! Get out there and have some fun if the opportunity presents itself. The only reason we worry about whether its right or wrong as in will I think too much about my ex.. or am i really ready is because we are thinking so much about the ex, we are attached to the thought of having them in our thoughts. Its almost like if we dont think about them we woudl wonder whats wrong with ourselves. I know I would take such an opportunity if it came my way, at the least for the learning experience. And I would say 7 out of 10 times its gonna make you feel positive albeit for a little while. But hey its sumthin'. Enjoy yourself...
Author dfreeman Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 You all three touched on little but important points - 1)My break up was painful, but not the end of the world, 2) this woman will definitely take my mind off of my ex for a bit and 3) I should just start doing this girl and my attitude will certainly follow I really think that I have nothing to lose by giving it a try - if I sense that it is not going well, we can just have a couple of drinks and call it a night. If it is fun and spontaneous, we can extend it over dinner and maybe a dance somewhere? Plus, my reflections on my past relationship haven't really been positive ones lately, so if I am not sitting around moping about my ex, I doubt I will want to kill a fun date with a great gal over her? The problem with ignoring Cali's advice is that I always agree with his advice for other people
prisonbreak Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Dfree- Lovely response to my advice:eek: LOL But hey, when is this date anyway? Keep me posted on how it goes. Who knows, maybe you'll be moving to the dating forum!
miami45uconn Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Caliguy has it exactly right. I was told if i go on a date i may bcome attached quickly become im used to being in a relationship and used to be loved and all of that. So yeah if you won't think about your ex go ahead
Crestfallen_KH Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I tend to think this falls under the category of "if you have to ask, you are." At least, it was for me.
Author dfreeman Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Dfree- Lovely response to my advice:eek: LOL But hey, when is this date anyway? Keep me posted on how it goes. Who knows, maybe you'll be moving to the dating forum! Hi pb - date is tonight, and I am really looking forward to it! I think it should go good, but I won't really know until I see her whether this is a friend-ish thing or not (maybe we can just let the alcohol decide that)? I will definitely update you, dfree
Author dfreeman Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 I tend to think this falls under the category of "if you have to ask, you are." At least, it was for me. Are you saying that if I had to ask if it is too soon, it is?
Author dfreeman Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Caliguy has it exactly right. I was told if i go on a date i may bcome attached quickly become im used to being in a relationship and used to be loved and all of that. So yeah if you won't think about your ex go ahead I think this has a chance of being the reverse of that... Over the last 6 months of my relationship, I never got the true sense that my ex was all that into me (kinda trying to make the R work, but not really loving me). I asked this woman out because I know she likes me (plus, I was fairly certain that she wouldn't say no). I don't think I will be able to avoid thoughts of my ex, but I am definitely not going to go on about it and let her ruin my date!
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