Is he a commitmentphobe, emotionally unavailable, or just not that into me?

[lovesickgurl]

Hi, everyone. I am hoping that someone can please help me get some insight on this guy before I lose my mind. I met him over a year ago when I moved into my new neighborhood, and he lives very close to me. (He is 31, and I am 30). We seemed to hit it off right away, and he came on strong for the first couple of months (until I became very interested). I was in the process of ending a relationship when I met new guy so I wasn't as interested in him at first as he seemed to be in me. During the first few months of dating new guy, I was still having issues with the old guy. I told new guy that I needed a little space to figure out what I wanted, and he offered to stand by and be a friend while I figured it all out.

 

As time went by, I really started falling for new guy, and we kind of fell back into a dating relationship. We began hanging out more often, and I met his friends, his family, and his co-workers. I tried to casually address the "where is this relationship going" issue, and he went out of his way to avoid discussing it. He basically told me there were some "issues" and he was not sure we were entirely compatible. He thought that given time, maybe the issues would resolve themselves, but he did not want to discuss them with me because he didn't want me to feel pressure to change them. I told him that was crazy because if the "issues" were things I wouldn't want to change, then we are just wasting our time. He still refused to discuss them with me.

 

Now this has been going on for nearly a year and a half. We have had plenty of ups and downs. There have been times I have ended it because of certain things he was doing. Then he would change those behaviors so I wouldn't leave. As time goes by, things do seem to get better. He spends more time with me, and I feel like we are much closer. However, he will not commit to being my boyfriend or to even being in an exclusive relationship with me. I recently told him that I have enjoyed spending time with him but want to make sure we are on the same page because I am looking for someone that would be interested in eventually getting married, having kids...settling down with me! And if he is not on the same page, I maybe should consider dating others that are. He told me he needed time to think about it and two weeks later has still given me no response.

 

His actions indicate that he cares for me, but he refuses to communicate or to open up so I have no clue where I stand with him. At times I feel like a booty call, and other times I feel like a girlfriend. We go on dates, and he takes me to work functions, family functions, out with his friends, etc.

 

Over the last year, he has come a long way, but is this guy worth waiting for? Will he eventually commit if I wait it out, or is he just going to continue stringing me along as long as I allow him to? I have noticed that with any decision he makes (no matter how big or small), he has to contemplate it for a great deal of time so is that just part of his personality that I should accept? I love him and would hate to lose him, but would also hate to lose out on bigger and better things because I was too hung up on him. I would really appreciate any thoughts or opinions!

[Star Gazer]

You know, I'm guilty of pining over a guy who's unworthy of me, and who clearly isn't ready for a relationship... but I only let that crap go on so long (a few months). I am always amazed at how long women will let men string them along. A year and a half?? That should be your answer right there.

 

He basically told me there were some "issues" and he was not sure we were entirely compatible.

 

Now this has been going on for nearly a year and a half. We have had plenty of ups and downs.

 

However, he will not commit to being my boyfriend or to even being in an exclusive relationship with me.

 

All bad signs. Very, very, very bad signs.

 

I recently told him that I have enjoyed spending time with him but want to make sure we are on the same page because I am looking for someone that would be interested in eventually getting married, having kids...settling down with me! And if he is not on the same page, I maybe should consider dating others that are. He told me he needed time to think about it and two weeks later has still given me no response.

 

If he hasn't even committed to being exclusive with you after a YEAR AND A HALF, what in God's name makes you think he'd be willing to consider marriage (which is your ultimate goal)? This guy is just stringing you along, and he knows it.

 

I love him and would hate to lose him, but would also hate to lose out on bigger and better things because I was too hung up on him.

 

You can't lose something you don't even have to begin with. I hate to admit this, but you ARE missing out on bigger and better things with someone who wants the same things you do because you're wasting your time with this guy.

 

Commitmentphobic? Emotionally unavailable? Just not that into you? Who cares what the cause is - just know that he's not going to commit to you. It's time to find someone who will... ((HUG))

[lovesickgurl]

Thanks for the response, Star Gazer! I guess I never really thought about it the way you put it. I have been scared to lose him, but as you said, I can't lose something I never really had. I guess I fool myself into believing we have something when things seem to be going well.

[Star Gazer]

He cannot even commit to being with you and only you.

 

In other words, he's dating and sleeping with other people.

 

I KNOW you know you're worth more than that, and deserve a hell of a whole lot more too, right?

 

Who knows, maybe walking will actually cause him to sit up and take notice of what an awesome thing he's losing. But you have to be prepared that he very well might let you walk away. I know it's a tough spot to be in, particularly after we've invested so much time and energy and sooooooo want things to work out.

[lovesickgurl]

I know you are right, and I guess I have managed to somehow convince myself that we are in a "relationship" even though he won't verbally commit to one. He is my neighbor so I am able to monitor his goings and comings fairly easily and inconspicuously, as he also does mine. He is with me 3 to 4 evenings/nights a week, and the others he is home for the most part. I do not think he is seeing anyone else, and if he is, then they are getting even less of him than I am. But that makes it all even more frustrating because if he isn't seeing anyone else then why can't he commit to being exclusive to me???

 

By the way, I noticed that you are also a lawyer. Is there something related to our occupation and our relationship issues??

[xpaperxcutx]

I know you are right, and I guess I have managed to somehow convince myself that we are in a "relationship" even though he won't verbally commit to one. He is my neighbor so I am able to monitor his goings and comings fairly easily and inconspicuously, as he also does mine. He is with me 3 to 4 evenings/nights a week, and the others he is home for the most part. I do not think he is seeing anyone else, and if he is, then they are getting even less of him than I am. But that makes it all even more frustrating because if he isn't seeing anyone else then why can't he commit to being exclusive to me???

 

By the way, I noticed that you are also a lawyer. Is there something related to our occupation and our relationship issues??

 

You know that saying where the guy chooses to be with you until the next best thing comes along?

I don't know, his behaviour does show alot of red flags. The fact that you have together for the last year and a half and are still dealing with the ambiguities of whether you're "official" or not does say alot.

[Jilly Bean]

I would think his pathology is really irrelevant here, right? I mean, who cares if hes a CP, EU or JNTIU? It's all the same result to you, right?

 

And that is that your needs have not been getting met for a very long time. Only you can decide if this is worth seeing if it's more of the same, or he's going to change...