I broke NC, not doing good, I hate myspace

[Goodin]

So I just discovered by accident that my ex has a new myspace page. Of course I had to look around on her page and then I found out about her out of town weekend with the new dude she is dating....I was doing good with NC for 8 days and then I saw her myspace page so I had to send her an email. Very brief, just telling her I ran into her myspace page and asked how she was doing and that I was thinking about her. I know, totally wrong probably but, I did it.

 

Alittle background: I was the one who did the breaking up, and we have been going back and forth for awhile but decided to call it quits for sure a few months ago because I just was not able to make a commitment to her. We then had a few "roundevouz" since then while she was starting to date this new guy. I do not know why I cannot commit to her but that was something I felt I had to figure out on my own to be fair to her. I obviously have lots of very strong feelings for her still and I can't seem to shake them! This hurts so much!

 

I just don't know what to do right now so I thought I would post...I almost called her, but I tried calling my sister instead but she didn't answer. I am shaking with anxiety and pain right now, and trying to hold the tears back at work here.

 

Please just send some kind words and some love my way...I'm hurtin' here. ;(

[btc8]

Try to delete her myspace page so you don't find yourself looking at it compulsively. Also, try to erase her phone number-- hopefully you don't it by heart. That's what I did, and it made contacting my ex really difficult to do as I didn't know his phone number by heart!

 

Don't beat yourself up over the NC thing; it happens to the best of us. We are conditioned to think more about things that we aren't able to have. Tolerate the feelings that you have to contact your ex, and they will pass. Do whatever you think will keep you from calling when you the urge.

[Goodin]

Thanks for the comments btc8 -

 

I wish I could just delete her page. I am thinking of deleting mine and getting off myspace. Unfortunately I do know both her numbers by heart...ugh.

 

She replied to my email...so now it seems we might have a brief email conversation. Still feeling like sh*t.

[sedgwick]

So...is what you're feeling right now better than having to be committed to someone? I mean, I guess that's the real question.

[Goodin]

H*ll no - I feell like total sh*t. But I also felt bad when I was in a commitment with her...it felt like the walls were closing in on me or something and I dont quite know why...and that is not fair to her. Something I have to figure out. She just told me she is moving forward with this new dude.....I am crying right now like a freakin little kid. Geez...this sucks.

[mistie03]

(((((Goodin))))) Sorry you're feeling so down right now. I hope that one day, you can come to terms with why being committed makes you feel so much anxiety. I just read a book not long ago about guys that fear commitment. The book is called, "Men Who Can't Love". What you describe about the way you feel is exactly what the authors of that book describe.

 

I just ended a 7 1/2 year relationship with a commitmentphobe guy. The sad thing is, I KNOW that he cared about me at some point. I can't change him, I can only change myself. I haven't started dating yet because I am trying to heal, but eventually I will. I know that he won't like it, but what else can I do? We have to move on. We can't wait forever. Life is short. I haven't had contact with him in 6 weeks.

 

Try to stay off My Space. I have no idea if my ex is on dating sites or My Space. I can't bear to find out what he is doing right now because I know it will set me back.

 

Good luck to you.

[Meaplus3]

So I just discovered by accident that my ex has a new myspace page. Of course I had to look around on her page and then I found out about her out of town weekend with the new dude she is dating....I was doing good with NC for 8 days and then I saw her myspace page so I had to send her an email. Very brief, just telling her I ran into her myspace page and asked how she was doing and that I was thinking about her. I know, totally wrong probably but, I did it.

 

Alittle background: I was the one who did the breaking up, and we have been going back and forth for awhile but decided to call it quits for sure a few months ago because I just was not able to make a commitment to her. We then had a few "roundevouz" since then while she was starting to date this new guy. I do not know why I cannot commit to her but that was something I felt I had to figure out on my own to be fair to her. I obviously have lots of very strong feelings for her still and I can't seem to shake them! This hurts so much!

 

I just don't know what to do right now so I thought I would post...I almost called her, but I tried calling my sister instead but she didn't answer. I am shaking with anxiety and pain right now, and trying to hold the tears back at work here.

 

Please just send some kind words and some love my way...I'm hurtin' here. ;(

 

I know it's tough! NC in the early stages is very painful..I have been there! Don't feel bad that you broke it.. it's bound to happen..just try and remember the reason's that your in NC.. that might help! Hang in there.. you can do this. (((Hug's))).

 

AP:)

[superfox]

Goodin,

 

Sorry to hear this, don't worry you can get back to No Contact - you can restart anytime. When things like this occur remember to breath properly, pay attention to how you breathe and take a deep breath in and out, stay calm. Close your eyes and imagine the safest place you have been in your life or create one in your mind - get away from the negative bad thoughts, its gonna be okay!!! Everything will get better for you and this is your opportunity to become a better person.

 

Try to find new hobbies, or maybe old ones you haven't been paying attention to. Get out of the house as much as possible, keep yourself really busy. I strongly suggest DELETING YOUR MYSPACE OR HER PAGE. DO THIS IMMEDIATELY. I cannot stress this enough. My ex and I broke up I thought I'd be fine keeping him on msn and facebook. One day I just became so overwhelmed I was over 40 days of NC then decided to message him. Why? I have no clue, I was gonna ask him things he said in our breakup conversation, and why he lied so much. But really do I need to know? Will he tell the truth? Probably not.

 

So even if you think your gonna be strong and not look or not contact you just may one day when you feel down. Taking her off will send her a message, it will speak volumes like "Hey I'm doing just fine without you" and you will do just fine. Don't settle for scraps and crumb. Recognize your worth. You don't know how she really feels in your mind the guy she is with looks like hes a good catch and you are comparing yourself to him etc etc but you have no clue...he could be a bad person who knows? who cares? all that matters is YOU. YOU ARE NUMBER ONE, MAKE SURE YOU MAKE YOURSELF NUMBER ONE. Breakups can make us better people, we learn more about ourselves, we become stronger your gonna come out a superstar. Don't worry about her, please worry about yourself!

[Goodin]

Thanks for your kind words everyone.

 

I can't seem to look past all the bad thoughts. I am trying so hard, I have tried so hard to get over this depression and commitment issues (what caused our relationship to fail) and it has been going on for SO LONG, over a year now of clinical depression. I just want it to end and I want to be normal again, but it just seems like it won't go away! Therapy, meds, books, nothing helps. And now this? She told me she wasnt going to get serious with anyone for a long time...I didnt like it but I was ok with her casually dating someone but she had to go and get serious with the guy....I mean I know I cant expect her to wait on me, but it was just understood that when I get over this depression and commitment stuff that we could work it out. I swear this pain is unbearable...if it wasnt for my family I would have killed myself by now. i wish i could. f*ck this pain, I cant stand it.

[s_n_d]

I think you should delete your myspace for the time being. It helped me.

I deactivated my facebook page because I found myself looking at it all the time and obsessed almost with what he was up to. After a month of NC, I just reactivated my facebook page a week ago.

It helps A TON.

I hope you feel better soon. I know how your feeling. I was there about a month ago.

[datingmum]

Just to let you know, I know how she feels. I've been through a 3 year push/pull relationship with the man I believe is the love of my life. We broke up before we moved in together, before we got engaged, then when the plans for the wedding started he left. We've now had 10 months of off/on/off/on. Bear in mind I have two young daughters who have known him over half of their lives. I played it all by the rules, let him make all the gestures at reconciliation, backed off, no contact etc. We kept ending up back together because he would reach out to me.

 

Normally, I am the strongest, most independent and exciting woman I or most of my friends know. But this whole experience has left me broken. I am currently pulling up out of a serious breakdown wherein I've had to literally beg him not to contact me for a while until I feel strong again. I've had to shamefully go to the dr to get something to calm my hysteria and allow me to eat/sleep/take care of my girls/work. I am now in therapy. This last break was a week ago and my reaction after months of allowing this to happen in my life has resulted in a true meltdown.

 

And the damndest thing is this: I know he loves me and that he loves me *that way*. He even had counselling a while back over his commitment issues, before we got engaged, but the counsellor turned out to be a quack and I kept forcing him to go because I though "he's backing out because he can't even commit to counselling". He has a very similar background to you as well.

 

My take is this: he is scared of being like his father. He has little in the way of example of what it is like to be fully engaged with his equal. He is frightened that he will be unable to live up to the expectations of a long term relationship. His father used to tell him "if you have children, thats the death of your life" and he still plays that tape in his head when we get too close. HE EVEN HAS THE CLARITY TO ADMIT ALL OF THIS! The anxiety of commitment builds until he starts to nit pick and tear apart the relationship which brings up all of my issues around abandonment (bad childhood) jealousy etc and we end up in a big old mess. All of his friends think he is crazy. His mom still calls me all the time.

 

I just want to cry when I think of him sitting there in agony, like you. I know he can change if he will just reach out and take the hand that will help him - a qualified counsellor/psychotherapist/whatever.

 

this time, the break was so hard on me that my friends staged an 'intervention' and got involved. They blame me as much as him for allowing it all to continue and cause a detrimental effect on my daughters lives, and pointed out I was putting his problems and needs above my own and my family's. They are right.

 

So this time, I'm reacting differently. After a few days fo begging/stalking/crying/txting etc (me to him - it always used to be him begging me back but oh how the tables have turned), I have dropped all contact (he was still txting until I begged him to stop). I am now in therapy. I also lit the dual fire under his ass of telling him that I was finally drawing a psychological line under our relationship by joining some dating sites adn that I was going to pursue casual dating with a number of men whom I've previously said no to. Do I intend to really do this? NO. not yet at least. I might go out and chat with a few guys I've known or whatever, but the flame doesn't die that quickly.

 

The important message for you to remember is this. If this girl really really loved you, she is not so 'serious' with this guy yet. She could be trying to motivate you to heal yourself. There is nothing like the heady cocktail extreme pain, abject terror, loneliness and regret to force change in one's life. Pain is there for a reason, to tell you that you need to grow. I don't wan to build up false hopes for you regarding your ex, but if you want advice on how to get her back while preserving your dignity adn focusing on your issues adn all the good work you're doing/going to do on yourself then check out Homer McDonald's "Stop your Divorce" (applies to lovers as well). These techniques most definitely work. But if you get involved with someone before you have truly examined and worked on your issues, then you will just end up rushing headlong into disaster again, with her or another. Most say that comittment phobia is only cured by commitment.

 

Anyway, my main message to you is please please please remember my story. Please don't continue this pattern. Heal yourself so that you know the true joy of love and intimacy, not the false, melodramatic unrequited love you accept in the place of true feeling.

 

Hey, email me if you like. I would love someone to chat to about all of this on the other side of the fence.