Confused9 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I posted this twice. Once on the divorce thread and once on here. I know that is against LS's rules but I think both sites can help me and I am in need of advice. Thanks in advance! : ) He moved on with the OW. We have no contact. He doesn’t have contact with anyone from our old lives. I am trying hard to move on, but I know deep down I am not. I have tried to date (that was scary) and I realized I am not ready to date. I am working two jobs; my normal full time job and then my waitressing job because he left me with a sh*t load of debt so I am staying VERY busy. But, I am down a lot. I miss him a lot and it’s so hard to face the truth that he is gone. I struggle with the fact that he fell out of love with me. I still don’t believe he did. He said he did and he acted so cruel, but I believe it was the guilt causing him to act that way. But I hold on to that and try and make it something it isn't. Try to take his actions and swing them positively to mean something they can't possible mean. Then I realize how others must see it from their point of view after everything he did to me. How could I believe he loved me? I just don’t know. I feel so hopeless all the time. I worry about the wasted years. I worry that I will never see him again. I worry that I will never get over what he did. Besides therapy and keeping busy…what else can I do? How do I let him go?
carhill Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Therapy will help. Each moment of each day changes you. Each time you reject or accept the friendship of another human being, it changes both of you. Feelings change. People change. It is our destiny, until we finally can change no more on this earth and die. You will evolve to indifference. Therapy will help
Author Confused9 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 Thank you for your response! I don't have time for therapy!!! That is the thing that stinks. Working 2 jobs has made it impossible!!! I was in therapy for 6 weeks and it did help but I am having a hard time finding a therapist that fits my busy schedule. Any other ideas?
BetrayedMM Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Focus on the negative characteristics that destroyed the relationship. Keep reminding yourself. Try to quit dwelling on the positive aspects, after all, the negative aspects overshadowed everything in the end, didn't they? I know some folks might chime in and say negative thinking is unhealthy, but (and I may be wrong) I think this is an exception.
carhill Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Well, I can't offer anything else than to hang out here (free) and get support that way. I spent some of my retirement savings and time away from my business to get MC and it's helped a lot, regardless of whether our marriage survives or not. I personally don't think negative thoughts will help, but everyone's psyche is different, so I guess it's worth a try. My process, through therapy, is one of acceptance. I can accept my wife's behaviors; I can accept that I have a choice to live with them or not; I can accept my anger/frustration/guilt over her and my actions in our marriage. I can accept my responsibility for the success or failure of the relationship. I personally think acceptance is key to indifference. It's a process
Cobra_X30 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 But, I am down a lot. I miss him a lot and it’s so hard to face the truth that he is gone. I struggle with the fact that he fell out of love with me. I still don’t believe he did. I feel so hopeless all the time. I worry about the wasted years. I worry that I will never see him again. I worry that I will never get over what he did. Besides therapy and keeping busy…what else can I do? How do I let him go? Hey, don't worry. Right now you feel less because he rejected you, but that's not the truth. The truth is that your better than him... that you deserve more. Some day you will realize and understand that he was not good for you. Then you will be over him. Until then, rebuild your life and let this make you stronger!
Tomcat33 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 You give yourself time Confused, you do it in baby steps and by not trying to cut corners. Like everything in life, letting go is a process, you need to go step by step through all the facets of the breakup and you need to ride each step it out. Accept that it hurts, accept that you can't avoid this pain no matter how hard you try to and accept MOST of all that this won't last forever. It doesn't I PROMISE you that. Every emotion that you deal is a step closer to where you want to ultimately get. Every emotion you try to burry or neglect, stunts you. Dating right now is a bad idea, it will only reaffirm everything you miss about your ex because you are dating for all the wrong reasons your heart is very closed off right now therefore everyone will pale by comparison so don't do that to yourself. Being alone is scary at first especially when you know that the person that you loved so much had already moved on and has found happiness. But you need to find yourself again . I know it's hard it's VERY hard. But your time will come as well, just be patient. Keep writing out your emotions dump all your feelings on paper, shout at him scream at him claim what you still feel for him do as you please just put it on paper and purge your thoughts it will help immensely and don't forget that there will be better days than others not so great but this won't last forever. Everything in life happens for a reason, the beauty is you have NO idea what an amazing surprise is in store for you down the line there ALWAYS is. Trust that, and no matter how bad it feels today you will come out stronger in the end. I can guarantee you that. If you believe in god ask him for strength let him guide you allow him to take you under his wings. He was good to me in my time of need put your faith in him and let him guide you. I am not a religious person but I do have my relationship with god, it is very personal and very spiritual find your inner strength because only good can come from that.
Tomcat33 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 (edited) Focus on the negative characteristics that destroyed the relationship. Keep reminding yourself. Try to quit dwelling on the positive aspects, after all, the negative aspects overshadowed everything in the end, didn't they? I know some folks might chime in and say negative thinking is unhealthy, but (and I may be wrong) I think this is an exception. Yes this totally works, and it is VERY much healthy. You have to break the patterns in your brain, seeing the bad is retraining to the brain to focus on another aspect and in turn it will help quiet the voices of doubt. The voices of doubt stem from all the good we remember. One of the first things I read after my breakup was to do this, it is highly recommended and it really WORKS. I used to imagine my guy in ugly situations I had to make some of it up since I really didn't see much ugliness in the state I was in and it really would help break up my days of extreme self inflicted torture, where I would only think of all the good things I missed. THAT is extremely unhealthy, to only dwell on the good, it does not allow you to let go and suspends you in a state of limbo with your raw emotional wounds wide open and with no room to heal. Edited February 27, 2008 by Tomcat33
Author Confused9 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 you are all wonderful, thank you!!! Tomcat, I appreciate your post and I hope you are right. I really hope one day I will get a nice suprise. It is so hard to let go but I will continue to post and continue to move forward. Perhaps I will try thinking negatively about him. too bad it's so hard to see the bad right now. After all he has done you would think it would be easy but it's not. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Author Confused9 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Dating right now is a bad idea, it will only reaffirm everything you miss about your ex because you are dating for all the wrong reasons your heart is very closed off right now therefore everyone will pale by comparison so don't do that to yourself. Being alone is scary at first especially when you know that the person that you loved so much had already moved on and has found happiness. But you need to find yourself again . I know it's hard it's VERY hard. But your time will come as well, just be patient.quote] I wanted to touch on this. It's so funny that dating for me is so hard. I think of him, compare him, miss him more, etc. But, him finding someone new, better, that is what got us in to this mess. Me even thinking about being with someone else was so hard, but he just ran off with someone else and never even thought about it. It's funny that I can't date and was almost turned off by the man that I sort of dated for about a month becasue he wasn't my X while my X was turned on by the fact that the OW wasn't me and was different, shiny, new. While I want the old, same, monotonaus x. So frustrating. Doesn't make sense. Such is life!
serial muse Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Dating right now is a bad idea, it will only reaffirm everything you miss about your ex because you are dating for all the wrong reasons your heart is very closed off right now therefore everyone will pale by comparison so don't do that to yourself. Being alone is scary at first especially when you know that the person that you loved so much had already moved on and has found happiness. But you need to find yourself again . I know it's hard it's VERY hard. But your time will come as well, just be patient.quote] I wanted to touch on this. It's so funny that dating for me is so hard. I think of him, compare him, miss him more, etc. But, him finding someone new, better, that is what got us in to this mess. Me even thinking about being with someone else was so hard, but he just ran off with someone else and never even thought about it. It's funny that I can't date and was almost turned off by the man that I sort of dated for about a month becasue he wasn't my X while my X was turned on by the fact that the OW wasn't me and was different, shiny, new. While I want the old, same, monotonaus x. So frustrating. Doesn't make sense. Such is life! Hi Confused - the dating thing is such a tough one. I think I wrote you a while back in another thread that your situation reminds me so much of mine, and I felt many of the same things you're talking about. It was really, really hard for me to start dating again. I got physically ill - about two months after the final split, someone asked me out and my friends were urging me to go, move on, etc. I went, and it was awful. He wasn't awful (not great, either, but that's another story ) but really not awful. I just was SO not ready. I was actually nauseous. So I stopped thinking about dating for a while. Months later, I met someone that I knew it wasn't going to work with (he was much younger and we lived in different cities) and had a fling with him, which I found both frightening and freeing (had never done that before). I don't necessarily advocate that, but I'm just saying that my return to the dating world was in phases, and the most important thing is not to rush it. I had people telling me to move on already, but I knew I wasn't ready for a real relationship. Not for some time. I know you've got two jobs and no time for therapy, but here are some of the things that helped me move forward: love from friends and family, loveshack (really! I didn't discover it until months after my separation, but when I did I found it so helpful to read others' stories and felt much less alone), therapy, and time. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest parts - it's very hard to date until you do that. One sign that you haven't yet is that you still want to figure out why he stopped loving you, as though it's your fault. It isn't! Whatever was going on with him, it's not that you weren't a good, loving and lovable partner. When I finally started feeling lovable again - in other words, when I started forgiving myself - was when I felt ready to date. As for him quickly moving on - well, think about this (although it may hurt a bit): he had months of slowly pulling away from you. For you, it was a sudden shock, and you're trying to absorb it. Of course he's going to be farther along than you are; he knew it was coming and you didn't. It really is apples and oranges. Please PM me if you need to; like I said, I see myself in your posts and I know how hard it is to move on. Hang in there. It really does get better, but you have to ride it out. And I'll say this, too - I would never wish it on anyone, but I have learned things about myself I think I would never have focused on if I hadn't had to. You can emerge stronger. Just don't rush yourself.
Tomcat33 Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) Dating right now is a bad idea, it will only reaffirm everything you miss about your ex because you are dating for all the wrong reasons your heart is very closed off right now therefore everyone will pale by comparison so don't do that to yourself. Being alone is scary at first especially when you know that the person that you loved so much had already moved on and has found happiness. But you need to find yourself again . I know it's hard it's VERY hard. But your time will come as well, just be patient.quote] I wanted to touch on this. It's so funny that dating for me is so hard. I think of him, compare him, miss him more, etc. But, him finding someone new, better, that is what got us in to this mess. Me even thinking about being with someone else was so hard, but he just ran off with someone else and never even thought about it. It's funny that I can't date and was almost turned off by the man that I sort of dated for about a month becasue he wasn't my X while my X was turned on by the fact that the OW wasn't me and was different, shiny, new. While I want the old, same, monotonaus x. So frustrating. Doesn't make sense. Such is life! I understand how you feel, how frustrating, how much pain this evokes in you, the idea that someone you loved so much was ready to move on so easily is a hard one to digest. Especially for us women because we are wired slightly differently, we cannot compartmentalise our feelings where as men can. If you talk to men who wanted out of a relationship they tend to jump right back on the saddle almost instantly, and even those who ere dumped also want to put a bandaid on the pain and can't wait to head for rebound land (not ALL men but a lot do) Men have a different way of dealing with their feelings, and though I certainly DO NOT want to speak for men because I am a woman this is just my perception of how it is for them and my experience in talking to them. It is also fair to consider that perhaps you were both not on the same page in terms of wanting to end things. You were still in love with him and perhaps his feelings had changed. Again this is speculation but something worth considering and though very hard to digest, it is something that should help you in terms of moving on once you can accept this in a way that does crush you or make you feel even worse about yourself. It is not your fault his feelings changed and it is not HIS fault, he cannot control his feelings but circumstances of the dynamic that happens in a rel. do play a huge role in affecting those feelings. People feel things differently. When we fall in love "typically" it starts off on the same wavelength or same timeline and parallel to one other in terms of what we feel. In time and with the ups and downs of a relationship somewhere down the line the two people lose their place or they split up into two seperate channels and so the emotions that are felt are on different wavelengths. Think of two people who start off in a marathon together and after about 15mins their paths become distant from one another, they are both heading towards the same finish line only one will reach before the other. Now use that analogy towards your emotions, I think in the case of your guy maybe he just happened to get there first. You will get there Confused, you will get to where you find a new man exciting, interesting and desirable I promise you that. In fact you are doing it in such a way that is healthier than what your ex has done, when your time comes you will look back and think "I actually owe this man for doing me this favour because had he not done this to US I would have never met ____________(insert name of new and improved boyfriend/hubby here)" Look you have to have faith, I know it looks grim right now and you have a bit to go but you have to have faith in yourself in your abilities to call better energy your way and better people into your life. There are millions of people that become single every day who are looking for the exact same thing you are looking for, to fall in love, to respect and be respected by someone who will sweep them off their feet. The chances of you crossing paths with one of those people when your time is right IS EXTREMELY high, and I 'ain't no psychic' but I know life and its cycles. Don't rush into wanting to be where he is now, you have nothing to prove to him, you owe everything to yourself he and his life will soon be irrelevant. Dating won't solve anything, time is the only healer. Edited February 28, 2008 by Tomcat33
Author Confused9 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Serial Muse, thank you for your advice. It's been such a LONG, hard road. I appreaciate your words, I really do. the part that you said would hurt...did. It stung like a b*tch. But, he really gave me no signs it wasn't working. He didn't show it to anyone. There have still been no 'ah ha' moments when I think back and realize...he knew what he was doing. Initially I think his affair was a mistake. What happened after that I don't know. But, I honestly do not believe this was premeditated on his part. I know I could be wrong...but I just don't think it's possible. It was such a shock to everyone. A shock to himself. He has not been able to face anyone since and has moved far away taking himself out of the lives of everyone he knew. To me...that makes me believe he is not proud of what he did and it wasn't premeditated. Even his best friends were shocked. Wouldn't he have left on to someone that he was feeling this way? I don't know. Perhaps I am in denial. Loving myself is DEFINATELY something I need to work on. I have NO love for myself and this was a problem before my X left so you can imagine how bad it has gotten. I am also very immature when it comes to s*x. I have never been very s*xual and my x was my first at 19. So a late 20 year old dating me is not going to get what he wants in terms of s*x. I can tell know - after trying to date...this is a problem. OY! I am scr*wed. Thanks again. I appreciate your help. Can I ask...are you happy now?
Author Confused9 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks Tomcat, I know what you are saying with maybe he had left before I had but wouldn't I have noticed. Wouldn't someone have noticed? Would he have been so angry leaving? Why wouldn't he have been able to face me and what he had done? Wouldn't someone in his life have known? Someone in his life would have been privy to the info? Plus, he was so open about how he felt. Before he went to another state to start working to pay for our wedding in late August we went to an egagement party and he was talking about how much he was going to miss me and how much he loved me and couldn't wait to come back and be my husband. 4 days before he cheated he sent me a video of himself professing his love. Why do that if he was already checked out? It doesn't make sense to me. Do people really do that? This is so hard! So so hard!
CodependentKate Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I'm sorry for what you are going through, but ultimately time does heal all wounds. There is no magic way to get over things, but it does happen. I think that having the ability to post on message boards like this probably helps a lot. Here you are able to post about your saddest and darkest feelings, and you can get responses all while maintaining anonymity. I think that journalling can be a great way to help a person get over something like this. If it doesn't serve any other purpose, writing in a journal can help to show you how far you have come. For example, I broke up with a guy that I had been living with for a few years (he also cheated), and I started an anonymous online blog. The first few entries were pretty pathetic, full of self loathing and incredibly depressing, but then I started to get better. Being able to see how bad it was in the beginning helped me to realize that I was actually getting over it. While it still hurt when I heard about his new girlfriend or saw that he had changed his relationship status on his myspace to indicate that he was officially in a relationship with her, it was nowhere near as bad as the first few weeks were. Good luck to you, and I hope that you find someone who actually deserves you and treats you well!
abeliever Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hello dear friend! Sorry to hear you are still struggling. Try to remember that you are hurting and it will take some time but it will pass. You can remember your feelings and what you felt for him. No real way to know if he did or didn't really love you or not. But you KNOW you did really love him! So try to stay busy and with time passing it will be ok. I know this isn't much help cause everytime someone says time will heal you I want to scratch their eyes out! But it is true. You are a amazing women!! I mean that. You deserve someone who thinks of you that way. So push on and even if you have to make yourself later you will look back and laugh. Hard to believe- but it will happen! abeliever
serial muse Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 (edited) Serial Muse, thank you for your advice. It's been such a LONG, hard road. I appreaciate your words, I really do. the part that you said would hurt...did. It stung like a b*tch. But, he really gave me no signs it wasn't working. He didn't show it to anyone. There have still been no 'ah ha' moments when I think back and realize...he knew what he was doing. Initially I think his affair was a mistake. What happened after that I don't know. But, I honestly do not believe this was premeditated on his part. I know I could be wrong...but I just don't think it's possible. It was such a shock to everyone. A shock to himself. He has not been able to face anyone since and has moved far away taking himself out of the lives of everyone he knew. To me...that makes me believe he is not proud of what he did and it wasn't premeditated. Even his best friends were shocked. Wouldn't he have left on to someone that he was feeling this way? I don't know. Perhaps I am in denial. Loving myself is DEFINATELY something I need to work on. I have NO love for myself and this was a problem before my X left so you can imagine how bad it has gotten. I am also very immature when it comes to s*x. I have never been very s*xual and my x was my first at 19. So a late 20 year old dating me is not going to get what he wants in terms of s*x. I can tell know - after trying to date...this is a problem. OY! I am scr*wed. Thanks again. I appreciate your help. Can I ask...are you happy now? Am I happy...hmm. Well, I have my ups and downs...but then, I always have. Yes, I am very happy at times. I like me again, and that's been the most difficult part. It has taken time, but I got to know me again (through my own eyes and not his) and decided hey - I'm all right. I’m lovable. I can't say I haven't been changed - I know I have, because I went through a lot of pain. So there are some things that are different. But it’s less important because I like me again and I feel whole again and pretty much feel nothing but “eh” about him now. Really truly. What your ex did may not have been premeditated; I don't really think it was for my exH either...in fact, at least initially he said he never intended it to be anything more than a brief fling, although it later extended into an exit affair. I think that over those months, while it was going on, he began to explain to himself all the reasons why his affair was my fault, and that he had always intended to leave. But he had to talk himself into it, and in the process he changed the past. Our past. He made it sound like we were never good together. (Which was just one of the things that really hurt.) Seriously, I remember things he said back then that felt completely cruel and out of left field and, well...bizarrely inaccurate. But you know, I now realize that he didn't even mean most of that. He was just saying whatever he could to justify the affair to himself. And that meant casting me as the Enemy, some sort of she-beast. If he hadn’t made it so black and white, I think the guilt would have been too much for him. It was very important to him to be perceived as a “good guy.” He simply couldn’t face the prospect that he had done something really, really crappy and really, really not nice. Anyway, I understand him now, and I see it for what it was. At the same time, I just don't respect him for that selfish cruelty. (Years later, he did kind of apologize, out of the blue, in an email. To which I didn’t respond, because eh, I was done.) I wish him well in life, but I don't want him around or to stay in touch. Strange as it seems, I couldn’t even fully acknowledge his jerkiness for a while, because blaming myself made me feel like there was something I could have done – which gave me a sense of control over a situation that felt so completely out of my control. And I also preferred to blame myself for doing something wrong within the relationship than to acknowledge – and this was the tough part! – that I had married someone who really wasn’t right for me. I didn’t know if I could forgive myself for such a HUGE mistake. Because how would I know I wouldn't do it again, if my radar was so bad?? But I have forgiven myself. There's just so much uncertainty in any relationship, and it’s scary to think of how much you can't control or predict. Human beings are complex creatures and you can’t always protect yourself from being blindsided. And as angry as I once was at myself that I didn’t see it coming, I accept now that that’s really okay. It sucks but it doesn't make me a weak, or hateful, or stupid person. LS helped a lot with putting that in context, by the way. And one of the things that's changed in me is that I'm more conscious of letting go and not trying to anticipate everything. Being willing to take risks and be vulnerable. And listen, things are always evolving, and that definitely includes your sexuality. You may even find that with a new person you can feel freer and enjoy sex more. You've only ever experienced it with one person - maybe he was part of the problem? Edited March 3, 2008 by serial muse
Author Confused9 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 Thank you abeliever. I appreciate your kind words. I think you are pretty awesome as well : ) Serialmuse, WOW...your post really really makes a lot of sense. I am going to save it and reread it. It's amazing how someone else can sort of put your own life in prospective. I think for me the hardest part is what he said and how he did things while we broke up. I was completely blindesided by the whole thing and shocked. I think that's why it's so hard to get over. I really really really don't think that he set out to do this. I really believe he was in love with me and wanted to marry me but made a mistake and couldn't live wtih it. I just can't understand the anger. I can understand him wanting to justify what he did though...so maybe now the anger makes sense. I also believe he couldn't face me and the hurt he caused me. He continously said 'I'll leave you alone now for the rest of your life' like almost everytime we had a communication. Perhaps becasue it was too hard to talk to me? I just can't believe that he is happy or okay with what he has done. He has pulled away from everyone in our life. He has moved and is said to never be coming back. I think it's too hard and painful for him to come back and see the hurt and disapointment on my face. I truley believe he loved me. I am sure he still does. But the damage he caused is unfixable. We'd never be the same. But that doesn't mean he should have done what he did to me. He shouldn't have been so cruel. I just miss him and wish I knew if I will ever talk to him again or see him again. He was my best friend. Now we are nothing. That is hard. Plus, I would love to know if she was really worth it. She probably has no idea about me or what he did to me. If she does...then she deserves his lying, cheating, @ss. I guess that really doesn't matter though.
Recommended Posts