jenniferc1114 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 (edited) I haven't posted any recent updates, but as expected I've been wishy washy over the past few months. I posted early on how my husband's affair produced a child and I wanted nothing to do with him or the child. The child has since been born 02-08-08. My H went to the hospital after the birth and requested a paternity test, she refused. Not too sure why. Does she know it's not his, or is she punishing him for not leaving me for her? My H went to child support the next business day and filled out paperwork to get the test done. (since she's on public aid, she can't refuse the test, but we have to wait on red tape so it'll probably be another 4-5 weeks of waiting) After the baby was born, I kind of changed my feelings a bit. My 11 yr old has shown such a interest in this child that I've had to really look at what's best for my own children. I have agreed to try to accept the child, but obviously not until paternity has been proven. Needless to say, my rule right now is zero contact by everyone with this women & child till after there's proof, and then the only contact my in-laws are to have is thru my H. ( my mother-in-law & sister in-laws started their own contact with the OW during the pregnancy without my H's consent....huge family disagreements have thus resulted) There was a recent post about serious consequences of an affair and let me tell you, we're living proof of the worst of it right now. About a month before the child was born (01-04-08) my husband was informed he was put on administrative leave from his job and the county investigators would be getting a hold of him for questioning. He was not told why, what, anything. Come to find out he was accused of sexually abusing his mentally retarded client. (he works for a private home care for the disabled ) After weeks of waiting on the county and his lawyer to get the questioning of all parties completed, my husband has finally been cleared. Here's the kicker. It was the OW who made the accusations. (due to my personal obsession of looking at her myspace account, her friends myspace accounts and all her other public internet activities, she was proven to be lying) The saddest part of the false accusation is the client had to go thru a rape test and be temporary placed in a group home. We can't sue for defamination or anything since the county is obligated to investigate all allegations. And since she reported this to a county agency, and not directly to the police or sheriff's office, she can't be found fraudulent of any wrong doing. So here's my question to all of those who say the baby is innocent and deserves a father. We'll never prove her a bad mother. We don't have $$. (her home has been recently put in foreclosure, but other than that we don't have any thing more than her) My H will be lucky to get shared custody, but will probably only end up with every other weekend 1 day a week. After thinking maybe I can accept the child, I now again have grave reservations. The OW is obviously capable of making our lives hell for the next 18 years (and then some) Who's to say she's not capable of accusing me or my H or even my own children of physically abusing her child. I know I still have the option to leave this my marriage and not deal with this woman ever again....but here it is....would you still encourage my H to be active in this childs life? I don't see the drama exposed to this child ever ending. Edited February 27, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Mr. Lucky Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 For those who thought the child is innocent.... I would guess that most of us still do. Can adults screw up their own lives (and others)? They can and do as your situation attests. But none of the crap, drama and chaos has anything to do with this child and his needs. Your husband hosted the dance, now he's gotta pay the band. And his debts has many facets - financial, moral, ethical. If you're going to stay, get used to it... Mr. Lucky
Reckless Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 (edited) By projecting our personal feelings and dissapointments onto an innocent child the circle of resentment, rejecting is perpetuated. I always remember hearing Jada Smith (Will Smiths wife) refering to her situation with his ex and her child, she explained that this child was part of her husband and for the harmoney of her family she had to accept him (and by implication to a degree) his mother. Families are no longer neat little 2.4 units and it is for the adults to BE adults and create harmoney out of chaos so the next generation has a chance at learning what a family unit is; and hopefully how to respect it. Knowing a solid family unit is the best way for this child and your own of breaking the circle of divorce, double standards, lies and betrayal. Your call. Edited February 27, 2008 by Reckless
OWoman Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Jennifer, nothing you offer up has any bearing on the child's innocence. But boy do you have issues, and I can only hope that you can work through them before you have any contact with this child, FOR THE CHILD'S SAKE! How you can hold a child responsible for the actions of its parents I cannot understand, and how you can blame it for your own bitterness also eludes me. Please seek counselling before you go near this child, or allow your husband and children to have contact without your presence, as no child deserves the kind of baggage you're projecting onto it. WHATEVER its parents may have done.
melodymatters Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Knowing I personally would not be able to accept this situation, I would leave my husband. It's one thing to knowingly date and marry a man who fathered a child before he met you. THIS, is the ultimate betrayal, and i for one would not be able to live with it.
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Truth be told I would be worried about what finger pointing and accusations the OW would do in the event that things weren't going her way, or if she felt slighted. I can't believe she reported your H for sexually abusing his client - and what his poor client had to go through because of her vindicitve, evil nature. I agree with MM - I would leave my H if he fathered a child by another woman. It really IS the ultimate betrayal. My whole opinion of infidelity is that yeah, if may happen - but if it does the offending party should at the VERY least have the good graces to use protection and birth control - at least 2 methods.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I really hope the DNA test shows that your H is not the father of this child. There really isn't much of a point in speculating or planning anything until you find that out.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 You're dealing with an OW who obviously, as witnessed in your other thread, is still a threat to your marriage and family. Should this child turn out to be your husband's, your rules for contact should be set out early, be extremely clear, and not include personal contact between OW and your husband. Rather these contacts should be "business-only" style emails or a phone call in the case of a medical emergency. Now, I disagree with folks who are trying to make you feel bad about your doubts in having contact with this child. I think it's a completely valid choice if you and your husband elect NC. What's more, this particular OW has already set a precedent for foul behavior with no care to whatever harm she might cause YOUR family. She didn't care when she made that false accusation that she was taking the bread out of YOUR children's mouths. In this, she's struck first blood. OWs who get pregnant by MM already KNOW that they're risking single parenthood. It's disingenuous of them to claim otherwise. Birth control is cheap, and easy, and usually 99% effective. So... sorry about her luck if it comes to NC. That's a potential choice that she made for herself and her child when she chose to get pregnant. If it were me, contact would depend on whether or not the OW were willing to make a WRITTEN and NOTARIZED admission of her guilt in this false claim she's made against your husband. I'd file that with my attorney as precedent against any other false claims she might make in the future. Without this protection in hand... I would NOT accept contact with the child. This leave the ball in her court... and she can't claim that she wasn't given a solution about how the matter might be resolved. p.s. If hubby puts one little toe out of line... I'd be gone so fast he wouldn't feel the breeze until five minutes after I left.
Lizzie60 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 and of course this child IS innocent... what does he have to do with this whole mess??? Who put everyone in this MESS???? Your H.. no one else. He's the ONLY one to blame... he cheated.. he didn't use protection ... (what a jerk!) This poor child is stuck in the middle... with a bitter/angry mother.. You are accepting the whole situation and the child... then you'll have to accept the mess that comes with it. I would have kicked him to the curb a loonng time ago..
Owl Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and of course this child IS innocent... what does he have to do with this whole mess??? Who put everyone in this MESS???? Your H.. no one else. He's the ONLY one to blame... he cheated.. he didn't use protection ... (what a jerk!) This poor child is stuck in the middle... with a bitter/angry mother.. You are accepting the whole situation and the child... then you'll have to accept the mess that comes with it. I would have kicked him to the curb a loonng time ago.. Lizzie, this post is almost directly contrary to your very lifestyle. Unless its the ONE thing... he didn't use protection ... (what a jerk!) Is he a jerk because he cheated, or is he a jerk for not using protection? Given your source of "supplementary income" and relationship with your "young MM"...I don't understand your vehement response to THIS particular WS?
OWoman Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I disagree with folks who are trying to make you feel bad about your doubts in having contact with this child. I agree NJ - I think Jennifer should avoid any contact with the child FOR THE CHILD'S SAKE. Jennifer is an adult and can deal with her own issues elsewise, but the child should not be subject to hostility and - at best - reluctant engagement because of issues which are not his fault. If Jennifer's H, or child, wish to have a relationship with the baby I think that should be conducted under safe, neutral conditions away from Jennifer - unless she is willing to sort out her issues in counselling. But from the rest of the post, I'd guess her high levels of resentment toward the child are a result of her unwillingness or inability to direct them to the true source - the H - and I suspect that until those issues are resolved in the M either through proper reconciliation or through ending the M, the child is going to serve as the innocent and undeserving focus of this anger. I'm not saying that anger is not justified - but what ISN'T justified is directing it an an innocent baby.
serial muse Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I agree NJ - I think Jennifer should avoid any contact with the child FOR THE CHILD'S SAKE. Jennifer is an adult and can deal with her own issues elsewise, but the child should not be subject to hostility and - at best - reluctant engagement because of issues which are not his fault. If Jennifer's H, or child, wish to have a relationship with the baby I think that should be conducted under safe, neutral conditions away from Jennifer - unless she is willing to sort out her issues in counselling. But from the rest of the post, I'd guess her high levels of resentment toward the child are a result of her unwillingness or inability to direct them to the true source - the H - and I suspect that until those issues are resolved in the M either through proper reconciliation or through ending the M, the child is going to serve as the innocent and undeserving focus of this anger. I'm not saying that anger is not justified - but what ISN'T justified is directing it an an innocent baby. This is weird...I didn't get the sense from the OP that harm toward the child was ever a factor - only a question of NC or not. That could be considered a different kind of harm, but as for hostility toward the child itself, I'm not sure that was implied. It seems like the question the OP was asking was about contact at all. Given what the OW in this case did, I think that's a completely reasonable question to be asking. She also has a responsibility to protecting her own family, and there may be a good reason to think about that. Someone who would falsely accuse another person of sexual assault on a mentally disabled client is NOT stable and could do considerable harm through her own ruthlessness. That's just despicable. That said, I think LJ's suggestion was an excellent one - get a signed and notarized statement from the OW that she made a false accusation, and file it away as insurance. As for contact with the child - wait for the paternity test, and then if that happens, make the decision. It may be that you'll decide the best choice is to give the child a chance to get to know your family, too, Jennifer. That could be a kindness. But do protect yourself.
OWoman Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 This is weird...I didn't get the sense from the OP that harm toward the child was ever a factor - only a question of NC or not. The title of the thread implies (very strongly) that the OP thinks the child is NOT innocent. That she bears him a grudge, because of the actions of his parents. Whether she would INTENTIONALLY harm a baby or not was not what I was suggesting. But if she's harbouring resentment towards him, any contact with him would not be in his best interests. The child IS innocent. And the child's best interests need to be protected in this - the adults are grown ups and can sort their own issues out.
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 The title of the thread implies (very strongly) that the OP thinks the child is NOT innocent. That she bears him a grudge, because of the actions of his parents. Whether she would INTENTIONALLY harm a baby or not was not what I was suggesting. But if she's harbouring resentment towards him, any contact with him would not be in his best interests. It's just the title of a post, man. People read way into things on here. Sometimes, well TBH, most of the time, people come on here to vent - I don't think she blames the child. What I do get from the post and what little info we get on here is that she is worried that the OW will use the child against her and her H. In which case the child is still innocent, but becomes the pawn of something bigger, more dangerous, and more malicious.
Lizzie60 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Lizzie, this post is almost directly contrary to your very lifestyle. Unless its the ONE thing... Huh???? no this is not against my lifestyle... I never said that the MM weren't cheating.. Plus when a child is involved.. I get very 'sensitive'.. lol Is he a jerk because he cheated, or is he a jerk for not using protection? He is a jerk when not using protection with a woman who can still have babies...
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I re-read this and I can't help but to feel really bad for that baby. The only shot this kid will have at a decent life is if he/she is given up for adoption to be raised by a stable family that really wants this kid, and has no ulterior motives for wanting the child outside of just wanting to provide love and stability. Not by a mother who used the baby as a pawn, and not by a father who will ultimately resent the child.
Owl Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Lizzie, Thanks for the clarification. I was confused, because while you've never said that the MM weren't cheating, you've always been a strong advocate in the past that there was nothing wrong with cheating. Most of the time, you've indicated you felt that the cheating that your MM were doing with you was helpful to their marriage. Then you call this guy a jerk. I couldn't reconcile the two. But if you felt that he's a jerk because of the unprotected sex rather than the actual cheating, that would fit along with what I've seen of your posts previously. Again, thanks for the clarification.
Pyro Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Wow, that is one huge mess. Pretty much everything that I wanted to say has been said already on here by others. Don't panic anymore then you have already until you get the tests back. Unless your H decides to give up his parental rights for that child, then be prepared for a long rocky road with many bumps in it because the OW sounds like trouble. Even if he doesn't give up his rights, then she may still cause some major drama. If he does keep the child, then you might want to consider divorce.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 If he does keep the child, then you might want to consider divorce. If the child indeed proves to be his, then why would the OP even want to consider being married to a man that would walk away from that responsibility? What does that say about him? Although, I'm sure there's many like me that are wondering why the OP stays regardless of the paternity test outcome... Mr. Lucky
Pyro Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 If the child indeed proves to be his, then why would the OP even want to consider being married to a man that would walk away from that responsibility? What does that say about him? Although, I'm sure there's many like me that are wondering why the OP stays regardless of the paternity test outcome... Mr. Lucky Walk away from what responsibility?
Lizzie60 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Lizzie, Thanks for the clarification. I was confused, because while you've never said that the MM weren't cheating, you've always been a strong advocate in the past that there was nothing wrong with cheating. Most of the time, you've indicated you felt that the cheating that your MM were doing with you was helpful to their marriage. Then you call this guy a jerk. I couldn't reconcile the two. But if you felt that he's a jerk because of the unprotected sex rather than the actual cheating, that would fit along with what I've seen of your posts previously. Again, thanks for the clarification. This guy is a jerk for having unprotected sex... AND to resent this child...
Frances Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 You're dealing with an OW who obviously, as witnessed in your other thread, is still a threat to your marriage and family. Should this child turn out to be your husband's, your rules for contact should be set out early, be extremely clear, and not include personal contact between OW and your husband. Rather these contacts should be "business-only" style emails or a phone call in the case of a medical emergency. Now, I disagree with folks who are trying to make you feel bad about your doubts in having contact with this child. I think it's a completely valid choice if you and your husband elect NC. What's more, this particular OW has already set a precedent for foul behavior with no care to whatever harm she might cause YOUR family. She didn't care when she made that false accusation that she was taking the bread out of YOUR children's mouths. In this, she's struck first blood. OWs who get pregnant by MM already KNOW that they're risking single parenthood. It's disingenuous of them to claim otherwise. Birth control is cheap, and easy, and usually 99% effective. So... sorry about her luck if it comes to NC. That's a potential choice that she made for herself and her child when she chose to get pregnant. If it were me, contact would depend on whether or not the OW were willing to make a WRITTEN and NOTARIZED admission of her guilt in this false claim she's made against your husband. I'd file that with my attorney as precedent against any other false claims she might make in the future. Without this protection in hand... I would NOT accept contact with the child. This leave the ball in her court... and she can't claim that she wasn't given a solution about how the matter might be resolved. p.s. If hubby puts one little toe out of line... I'd be gone so fast he wouldn't feel the breeze until five minutes after I left. Very good advice as usual. Glad to see you back. you were missed here.
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Lizzie, Thanks for the clarification. I was confused, because while you've never said that the MM weren't cheating, you've always been a strong advocate in the past that there was nothing wrong with cheating. Most of the time, you've indicated you felt that the cheating that your MM were doing with you was helpful to their marriage. Then you call this guy a jerk. I couldn't reconcile the two. But if you felt that he's a jerk because of the unprotected sex rather than the actual cheating, that would fit along with what I've seen of your posts previously. Again, thanks for the clarification. I agree the MM is a jerk for about a billion reasons but also, it takes two to tango. If she wasn't using or insisting on birth control, she's even more responsible since she has full control of her own body and allowing access to it. She can't possibly be that stupid and still be breathing.
Lizzie60 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I agree the MM is a jerk for about a billion reasons but also, it takes two to tango. If she wasn't using or insisting on birth control, she's even more responsible since she has full control of her own body and allowing access to it. She can't possibly be that stupid and still be breathing. No she's not... he is.. some OW will get pregnant on purpose to get the MM or to blackmail him in some ways... SO he's the jerk for having unprotected sex with a woman who CAN have babies.. If she wanted to have his balls by having his baby.. then she GOT him..
Lizzie60 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I,ve read a few posts where posters are 'speculating' about this woman... She might be bitter, angry, etc.. but to say she will be a BAD mother is a little extreme.. She might be the best mother even better than the OP.. who knows? who are we to judge her mother skills... If I could talk to her I would tell her to keep her baby and to keep him/her all to herself.. like I did...
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