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Posted

I am new to the forum but I wanted to get out there and see if I could find some advice with my LDR.

I am 21 years old and have been in an LDR for 3 years now. We really haven't spent a whole lot of time together. We met through the military, I am in the Air National Guard and he is Active Duty Air Force. I basically fell in love after 2 months of being with him. But then he went away to Korea for a year so I didn't see him for a whole year. This wasn't too bad because it was the beginning of our relationship and we both felt that there was something there between us and we were both curious to see what would happen. Now he is stationed in California which is better because I see him every couple months. It's not so bad being away because I have school to worry about but I do think of him all the time.

This whole relationship feels like we are just playing it as it goes, which is I guess how most relationships go. It's been 3 years and I don't know if I am having doubts about it or if I am too young for this. He is a year and a half older than I am. I really enjoy the time I spend with him, and I believe that someday when we get to be together all the time we will be fine but I just don't know.

Recently we started talking about our future and it just seems that he is more committed than I am. There are things in our lives that we both don't want to give up. We have put so much time, effort, money etc. into our relationship that I would hate for it to turn out to be nothing. I feel like I am afraid to take the risk of finding out because I am afraid of making a mistake. I am in college right now and I have 3 semesters left. Only until I graduate I will be able to be with him. I am willing to move out of my home state in order to be with him. I will most likely be able to find a job out of state.

I just want some advice to see if anyone is in the same kind of situation or if anyone one has any words of wisdom. I know this all may not make sense so ask questions if you have them. It's just that lately I've been thinking about our relationship a lot and just wondering what will happen, I guess I just have to wait and see. I am new to these forum things so you'll have to bear with me.

Posted

kt009,

 

Just wondering how long your b/f will be in the service? Is it likely he will be stationed in California the entire time? I see you're in Wisconsin. Where is you b/f from? After the military, where would he be likely to live?

 

Hope you don't mind all the questions. Just easier to try and help when you have a better idea of the issues. Welcome to the forum, BTW! Lots of friendly people here who are grappling with many of the same issues as you, so don't worry about asking for help and advice. And, remember, we all were newbies once, so nothing to worry about! :)

 

Best,

TMichaels

Posted (edited)

Hey I'm in a like situation but not nearly as far in it. I met my girl studying abroad and we were in the same city 2 months as a couple and 5 months total as friends we hung out a lot. We both have to finish college (she's got 2 years left... I got 1) and I have to get a job, but we have both commited to each other. We will be 3 months into the LDR in a few days...

 

You know if it works out another 10 months, we will get engaged and then get married as quickly as possible after that... If it doesn't work out, it was worth a try.

 

I don't think we are too young, I definitely do not think we are dumb. We were put in a rough situation and it will only make our relationship stronger. So far, the LDR has only reinforced how much I actually do care about my girl and how much better she is than the rest. I'm a "get married" type and I travel a lot; so a long, hard LDR was inevitable for me.

 

I will stress the importance of a plan... The plan for me has helped me out a lot. I think if you are mature enough to actually sit down and discuss your options you are definitely on the right track. If not, reconsider, because 3 years IS a long time, especially with no end in sight. Both me and my GF have already planned to make some major changes and we are willing to do what it takes to get together for real.

 

I could never take an LDR over 5 years... I think if two people are really commited they can find a way in a couple of years... (not in the military though because the military SUCKS and doesn't give you any freedom) Can he move to you?... can you both settle in a cheaper apartment? Can you transfer colleges? can you take Summer classes, and overload classes and graduate a year earlier?

 

But best of luck to you... for me, two and a half more months and I'll see her again on a vacation in D.C!!!!

Edited by j_hunt_12
Posted

I'm wondering why now you're having these doubts about your relationship.

 

What has happened to make you question it? Is it the fact that now you can see the end in sight and it's not as great as what you were thinking it was? What I mean by that is that wanting something when it is out of reach can seem not as appealing when you can actually have it.

  • Author
Posted
kt009,

 

Just wondering how long your b/f will be in the service? Is it likely he will be stationed in California the entire time? I see you're in Wisconsin. Where is you b/f from? After the military, where would he be likely to live?

 

We both have about 2 1/2 years left. He will probably end out going on another overseas rotation but just for a year and would come back at the 6 month mark. He will probably be stationed somewhere else maybe on the east coast for when he gets back. He is originally from Nebraska. We are both willing to move to anywhere. Since I am becoming a P.E. Teacher I want to move down south (AZ) or somewhere and start my teaching there. I would really like to go overseas and teach.

  • Author
Posted

I will stress the importance of a plan... The plan for me has helped me out a lot. I think if you are mature enough to actually sit down and discuss your options you are definitely on the right track. If not, reconsider, because 3 years IS a long time, especially with no end in sight. Both me and my GF have already planned to make some major changes and we are willing to do what it takes to get together for real.

I could never take an LDR over 5 years... I think if two people are really commited they can find a way in a couple of years... (not in the military though because the military SUCKS and doesn't give you any freedom) Can he move to you?... can you both settle in a cheaper apartment? Can you transfer colleges? can you take Summer classes, and overload classes and graduate a year earlier?

 

 

I don't see us being together until I am done with school in Dec of 2009 after that I can pretty much finally be with him wherever he is, considering I want to teach out of state anyways. At the beginning of the relationship we talked about me transfering schools but it was too hard to do that on an unsure thing. I am considering doing my student teaching out there so I can be with him, that is if he's even in the country around that time. This summer we are roadtripping across America so i'll get to be with him for like a month and a half. I think this will be able to reassure me that I want to be with him. We started kind of talking about our future it's just hard because my personality is that I am afraid to make mistakes. I know though with this situation I may have to make a mistake and that's life. I guess I don't want to have regrets about never knowing. Thanks for your input.

  • Author
Posted
I'm wondering why now you're having these doubts about your relationship.

What has happened to make you question it? Is it the fact that now you can see the end in sight and it's not as great as what you were thinking it was? What I mean by that is that wanting something when it is out of reach can seem not as appealing when you can actually have it.

 

Nothing has really happended to make me question it, it's just the fact that yeah the end is in sight but we don't have a solid plan of what will happen when that end gets here. I guess it is just so hard to tell what it will be like to be with him all the time in a couple years rather than just talking to him on the phone every night and seeing him every couple months if that. I am hoping that this is what I want, and people say that when they see us together we're perfect for each other. I love when I get to be with him I never want to leave. I can trust him completely I neve question anything he does. He worries way too much about me, but is getting better about it.

Posted

I don't see us being together until I am done with school in Dec of 2009 after that I can pretty much finally be with him wherever he is, considering I want to teach out of state anyways. At the beginning of the relationship we talked about me transfering schools but it was too hard to do that on an unsure thing. I am considering doing my student teaching out there so I can be with him, that is if he's even in the country around that time. This summer we are roadtripping across America so i'll get to be with him for like a month and a half. I think this will be able to reassure me that I want to be with him. We started kind of talking about our future it's just hard because my personality is that I am afraid to make mistakes. I know though with this situation I may have to make a mistake and that's life. I guess I don't want to have regrets about never knowing. Thanks for your input.

 

That is a rough situation actually. I'm at least graduating in a year, and my girl said she'd quit college and move if we could get together earlier, but I think the visa and stuff will take so long that it will take two years for us to move together, so she can probably continue at school (her degree won't matter so much in the U.S.). The good side is that you do have an end to look forward to now and I think if you've made it 3 years you might as well go another two, but I don't know your level of commitment, love, etc. etc. I think everything will become much more clear after that one month road trip. Just pretend that that is a new beginning and then decide from then on if you want to do the two year LDR after that.

 

LDRs are real relationships, just different. The only thing you are missing is everyday/everyweek physical intimacy. For some people that is important, for others not so much. You could date someone close-by for 5 years and then break it off. Would that mean it was a waist of time? No, because you were probably looking at them as a option for future life partner. You can have temporary relationships to fufill your sexual and intamacy desires, but some people really do not need this. As long as you are planning to be together, I don't see anything wrong, or even strange, about LDRs. You can't help the circumstances of where and how you met. If you stop loving him that is a different story.. but anyways....

 

peace and good luck...

Posted
This whole relationship feels like we are just playing it as it goes, which is I guess how most relationships go. It's been 3 years and I don't know if I am having doubts about it or if I am too young for this. He is a year and a half older than I am. I really enjoy the time I spend with him, and I believe that someday when we get to be together all the time we will be fine but I just don't know.

 

kt009, how many other relationships have you been in? How long were you in them?

 

We both have about 2 1/2 years left. He will probably end out going on another overseas rotation but just for a year and would come back at the 6 month mark. He will probably be stationed somewhere else maybe on the east coast for when he gets back. He is originally from Nebraska. We are both willing to move to anywhere. Since I am becoming a P.E. Teacher I want to move down south (AZ) or somewhere and start my teaching there. I would really like to go overseas and teach.

 

What's the attraction to you to move/teach in the south, other than the obvious: Just about anywhere south of Wisconsin is WARM! :rolleyes:

 

I don't see us being together until I am done with school in Dec of 2009 after that I can pretty much finally be with him wherever he is, considering I want to teach out of state anyways. At the beginning of the relationship we talked about me transfering schools but it was too hard to do that on an unsure thing. I am considering doing my student teaching out there so I can be with him, that is if he's even in the country around that time.

 

Would it be so awful to move to where ever he is supposed to be in order for you to do your student teaching, even if he doesn't end up being there when you are? I mean, if you *didn't* move to where he might be to do your student teaching, bottom line it wouldn't be any different, would it? You two still wouldn't be together... but on the other hand, there's a chance you could be, if you were to try.

 

This summer we are roadtripping across America so i'll get to be with him for like a month and a half. I think this will be able to reassure me that I want to be with him. We started kind of talking about our future it's just hard because my personality is that I am afraid to make mistakes. I know though with this situation I may have to make a mistake and that's life. I guess I don't want to have regrets about never knowing.

 

Never knowing what? "What if" you didn't go directly from college to marrying him -- what might life have had in store for you then?

 

Nothing has really happended to make me question it, it's just the fact that yeah the end is in sight but we don't have a solid plan of what will happen when that end gets here. I guess it is just so hard to tell what it will be like to be with him all the time in a couple years rather than just talking to him on the phone every night and seeing him every couple months if that. I am hoping that this is what I want, and people say that when they see us together we're perfect for each other. I love when I get to be with him I never want to leave. I can trust him completely I neve question anything he does. He worries way too much about me, but is getting better about it.

 

While there's nothing wrong with making a mistake -- it's what makes us all human and is part of learning how to cope with what life throws our way -- I can understand where you're coming from kt009. Afterall, how much time have the two of you really spent together since you met? And, when you do get together, what's the longest period of time you've been together? Awfully hard to get a good idea of what a lifetime together might be like, that's for sure.

 

There's no law that says just because you've been "dating" a person for what will be five years, that you have to marry them. On the other hand, it's a lot to ask either of you to stay committed to one another all that time if the plan *isn't* to try and make a serious go of it at some point.

 

There's also no law that says it's wrong to change your mind. While it's good you have talked about future plans, having a future together assumes that's what both of you want, know and are sure of when the time comes.

 

The fact is, you have a good 2+ years to go before either of you will be free to any practical extent to make any major and/or lasting decisions in your lives. So, why not spend the next couple of years trying to determine what you want?

 

If it's pursuing educational or career goals, what's stopping you? Since you and your b/f are geographically separated, what's to prevent you from exploring opportunities that sound interesting? If you would like to teach overseas, look into what it takes. TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) is a popular route to do so, and you might decide you'd like to get pursue a TEFL certification alongside your studies for your major. If so, go for it!

 

Another option might be a study abroad program through your school. It's possible you may be able to spend a semester abroad and earn credit at the same time. It's a great way to see the world, and get some invaluable experience that will benefit you in your career.

 

In the same vein, since you're a P.E. major, have you ever considered an internship with the U.S. Olympic Team? See: http://www.usoc.org/12675.htm or http://www.princetonreview.com/cte/profiles/internshipGenInfo.asp?internshipID=797. Probably too late to be able to be part of the Beijing Olympics, but again, an opportunity to broaden your horizons while putting your interest in sports to work.

 

If a long-term relationship with your b/f is what you want (or think you do), then you need to spend more time together. Emails/phone calls/short visits are one thing, but being together for an extended period of time is a "whole 'nuther kettle of fish."

 

Your planned roadtrip is a good idea. You may find that reality isn't the same as when you're apart. You may find you two are more right for each other than you realized. Or, you might still be uncertain of what you want by the end of the trip. Knowledge about any subject empowers you -- and there's only one way to get it -- live and learn.

 

Remember, it doesn't have to be an either/or situation, here either. Nothing wrong with having *both* a fulfilling career and relationship or at least pursuing both, to discover what you want and/or need.

 

I guess what I am saying is quit worrying about whether you are making the right decision, and instead, spend the time exploring life, and you will have no regrets. If you do, it will become obvious at some point what is the right path for you.

 

 

Hope this helps.

 

Best,

TMichaels

  • Author
Posted
kt009, how many other relationships have you been in? How long were you in them?

 

I've only been in 2 other relationships one was about a year long and was in High School and we broke it off when I went to college. The other was about 6 months and that was prior to the year long. So this is really my first serious relationship. And for my bf it's his 2nd serious relationship.

 

 

 

What's the attraction to you to move/teach in the south, other than the obvious: Just about anywhere south of Wisconsin is WARM! :rolleyes:

 

I want to teach out of state just because I want to get away for awhile. Even though I have an amazing family here in WI I just want to get out and see the world and do something differenfor awhile.

 

 

Would it be so awful to move to where ever he is supposed to be in order for you to do your student teaching, even if he doesn't end up being there when you are? I mean, if you *didn't* move to where he might be to do your student teaching, bottom line it wouldn't be any different, would it? You two still wouldn't be together... but on the other hand, there's a chance you could be, if you were to try.

 

I would love to move out by him to do my student teaching it just may be that he might take this overseas assignment for a year then there would be no point for me to move anywhere because he wouldn't be there. But I would definatley try to be whereever he gets stationed next beause I will be able to once I'm done with school. The main thing that is holding me back from doing what I want is that I am in the Guard so I have to come back once in a while to WI to do my duty or I can transfer units. I just really fell in love with my unit in WI it's like my second family. It's something I don't want to give up because it's my back up plan. That's why I really would like him to get out so I can stay in and he could maybe even just go guard then.

 

 

 

While there's nothing wrong with making a mistake -- it's what makes us all human and is part of learning how to cope with what life throws our way -- I can understand where you're coming from kt009. Afterall, how much time have the two of you really spent together since you met? And, when you do get together, what's the longest period of time you've been together? Awfully hard to get a good idea of what a lifetime together might be like, that's for sure.

 

When we visit each other it's for 2 to 3 weeks at a time. So we haven't been together much since we've met but it feels like it because we make that connection by communicating every day.

 

There's no law that says just because you've been "dating" a person for what will be five years, that you have to marry them. On the other hand, it's a lot to ask either of you to stay committed to one another all that time if the plan *isn't* to try and make a serious go of it at some point.

 

 

There's also no law that says it's wrong to change your mind. While it's good you have talked about future plans, having a future together assumes that's what both of you want, know and are sure of when the time comes.

 

I like this point that you make it's so true and I have to keep remembering that and that I will make mistakes in my life.

 

 

 

In the same vein, since you're a P.E. major, have you ever considered an internship with the U.S. Olympic Team? See: http://www.usoc.org/12675.htm or http://www.princetonreview.com/cte/profiles/internshipGenInfo.asp?internshipID=797. Probably too late to be able to be part of the Beijing Olympics, but again, an opportunity to broaden your horizons while putting your interest in sports to work.

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much for the advice it helps a lot and helps me to realize some points about life that I have forgotten along the way.

Posted

I think maybe you like to dot all your "i's" and cross all your "t's" - and that is a good trait to have although it doesn't quite work with relationships.

 

None of us ever can know, whether we've been together 10 years or 6 months, what a person is really like until we've lived with them for a while. You never know, it could be an absolute blast and you'll get along very well. I think the road trip is a great idea.

 

I admire you for being a teacher. I think I'd strangle the little beggars lol. :love:

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

I completly understand...I am going threw something simillar. My boyfriend and I fell madly in love after 2 months after we met each other on vacation. I live in california and he lives in the cayman islands. I love him, but recently i have been having doubts too, and I feel so bad because we would always talk about our future and he basically is ready to marry me...but i am not ready for marriage at all. He is defineatly way more serious than I am. I think our problem is we have problems with commiting to something that we are not 100% about. I dont wanna loose him, but im not entirely sure if I should be with him...is that how you are feeling? Right now only time will tell, just be honest with each other let him know how your feeling and maybe it will make you feel better.

  • Author
Posted

"I completly understand...I am going threw something simillar. My boyfriend and I fell madly in love after 2 months after we met each other on vacation. I live in california and he lives in the cayman islands. I love him, but recently i have been having doubts too, and I feel so bad because we would always talk about our future and he basically is ready to marry me...but i am not ready for marriage at all. He is defineatly way more serious than I am. I think our problem is we have problems with commiting to something that we are not 100% about. I dont wanna loose him, but im not entirely sure if I should be with him...is that how you are feeling? Right now only time will tell, just be honest with each other let him know how your feeling and maybe it will make you feel better. "

 

That is exactly how I am feeling. He wants me to move out there and do my student teaching, because I think once I'm actually with him all the time it would be better, but I am still unsure. I guess I am just afraid of taking risks and failing, but I would love to get out of Wisconsin for awhile and teach somewhere else when I graduate. I'm glad someone else out there feels the same way I do. Sorry it took me awhile to get back to this forum, but i'll check it more often!

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