hopeful08 Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I am going to try not to make this a saga, but my relationship with mm has been a long six years, I was never lied to , and in the beginning was told that this would not happen for us until his daughter was older ( she was almost three) now she is eight. Recently( nine months ago) his wife found out about it and asked him to move out, she did not give him a time frame due to the fact that he had just started a new job, and it was a drastic cut in pay, she has given him time to get money together ( and herself also) he has been honest with me and not has not fabricated any information, they are not speaking, at all , but their has been discussion of divorce and the sale of the joint home, but due to a bad real estate market and work that needs to be done to the house and the fact that he broke his wrist right after Christmas thing are moving very slow, I am starting to freak out a bit and it is effecting our relationship. My question to all who have had a successful outcome is how do you deal with the waiting and the nagging doubts with out driving yourself , and him crazy, the what ifs, like what if he tells his daughter and then cant go thru with it, (even tho I have been told that he is worried about her but there has been no discussion of sweeping this under the rug and "staying together for the child" ) what if, she doesn't sell the house like he had hoped and he cant afford it, I dont know, I can come up with many others, when I speak my doubts to him he gets frustrated with me and tells me that there has been no changes , and he and her are just trying to get money together, I have asked him a few times if she has been pushing him to find an apartment ( her original request) but he says no not lately. One of the things that is unique to our situation is that he does not tell me what I want to hear, If there has been a recent conversation between him and his wife ( argument) I'm told if I ask, I there isn't I'm told that their has not been for awhile, when there has been no comments made for awhile, I get more worried .But he does not " make something up" to appease me, anyway this turned out to be a saga anyway, sorry, any stories or help from those who had to wait awhile and how they handled it would be appreciated thanks hopeful08
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 This man has lied to his wife, betrayed her, betrayed his whole family unit and you think he's never, ever lied to you, or omitted the truth from you? Bottomline if he wants out and wants a divorce, he'll just do it, no excuse. His actions, not his words is what you need to look at now. 6 years is a LONG time - How long do you intend on waiting?
Author hopeful08 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 Not much longer, that is why I joined this forum, I have already made plans to possibly sell my house and move, ( we live in the same town and it's not that big) but due to the fact that this has been going on for so long, and it is going to hurt , and I mean bad . I dont want to act unless I am sure. hopeful08
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 The best test here is to go no contact with him. Tell him goodbye and to call you when the D is final and he has the papers in his hands. Stop having sex with him, stop being there for him, stop it all. NO CONTACT. Then you'll see what really happens.. In the meantime, read threads here, read stampdaddy's threads, he's going through a rough time. See what you're up against.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 God six years with a lying deceitful two faced man who's married but messing with you on the side??? Wow where's your self respect as a woman? What did you attempt to gain by picking such a scumbag as a partner? Please tell me with some acsolute clarity that you was okay for 6 years being the side peace. Can you absloutely look your friends and family in the eyes and say I was having ana affair with a man for 6 yrs and now that it's out he still doesnt want me? Why would any woman et involved with it? You know he'll cheat on you and soon as he'll cheat on her. What goes around comes around.
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 (even tho I have been told that he is worried about her but there has been no discussion of sweeping this under the rug and "staying together for the child" ) No, that's what he has told you. You honestly have no idea if a discussion has taken place between him and his wife. Also, if he doesn't want to hurt his daughter, chances are he WILL decide to stay in the marriage and try his best to make it work, for the kids sake.
Author hopeful08 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 The sex is already stopped my choice, I just show no interest, contact has not. who is stampdaddy, sorry to sound ignorant but I just found this forum last night, Thank's hopeful08
LILA BELL Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I was involved with a MM i am also M . MM told me alot of bullsh** I'm only there for the kids. I'm not in love with my wife. We don't get along. I'm leaving her next month.. well i cant leave this month because my kids,i'll do it next month..... Uhh you know what sorry but it will have to waut til my kids soccer season is over. Umm how about we wait til the holidays are over.... Well we didnt even make it to the holidays W found out by him she left him and MM realized she is what he wanted and she is who he really loved and he threw me under the bus so damn fast i didnt even see it coming
Author hopeful08 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 I know first hand that his wife found out. As far a any discussion between them, that is one of my doubts, I know that it is easy to judge, but I know him well, we have spent alot of time together, and two years into this it was almost over , I was not told, just give me a little more time ect.... he was straight with me , and said that I cant make that decision for you to wait or not that has to be up to you, I would like you to but it will be years and not months ( men who string woman for sex do not say that, I was there the decision was mine) hopeful08
LILA BELL Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Ok you have been happy sharing him for soooooo many years that this is a way of life for you. I guess waiting another six more years for him would'nt be so bad considering you waited this long Hell why not just go for a full 10 more yr's of sharing him.
bentnotbroken Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 So you decide to wait for six years, s-i-x(long)y-e-a-r-s. Wow.
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I know first hand that his wife found out. As far a any discussion between them, that is one of my doubts, I know that it is easy to judge, but I know him well, we have spent alot of time together, and two years into this it was almost over , You think his wife doesn't know him then? They shared alot more, have a history together, children, a life, inlaws, friends...Don't think when push comes to shove he is going to come running to you and dump everything that he knows and is used to. sorry to sound harsh, but you need to detach and take a step back. Let him be and figure out what he is doing. If he really loves you, he'll do everything possible to make it happen sooner, rather than later. I was not told, just give me a little more time ect.... he was straight with me , and said that I cant make that decision for you to wait or not that has to be up to you, I would like you to but it will be years and not months ( men who string woman for sex do not say that, I was there the decision was mine) hopeful08 You'd be surprised what some MM and MW's tell their OW and OM to keep them hanging on. Just go read stampdaddy's threads in this same section (ow/om section) and you'll see.
OWoman Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Hopeful, I tried to post earlier but the site hung. And since no one has posted since, it's clearly waiting for me . The posters so far on your thread have offered doom and gloom, but there are those of us out there whose MMs have crossed the rainbow bridge to a "successful outcome", even if none have posted on your thread so far. If you look up some of the other threads (aside from Stamp's, which everyone so far has referred you to as a prime example of a _less_ successful outcome) you'll see which OW had the "happy endings" among us. But to attempt an answer to your question - how to deal with the waiting and the nagging doubts... I suppose if I must be honest, speaking only for myself: there were no nagging doubts. Once we'd decided we wanted to be together, we both set about making it happen, and although there was - and still is - waiting involved (everything always takes longer than your patience threshold!), we could both see the other working towards being together and that kept our faith and hope strong. I suppose if there hadn't been enough evidence, or if the waiting had taken TOO long, there'd have come a time where the costs outweighed the benefits of one or both of us, and we'd have had to make a call on it. If your relationship with your MM is as open and honest as you say - and despite all the "if he lies to his W, he's lying to you" wisdom that gets tossed around I do believe it's possible to be honest to one person but not another - then the key for me would be to keep communication channels open between you, and to let him know where you stand: when your patience is wearing thin, when the costs start piling up for you and the benefits start receding... so that he can make his decisions and act on them appropriately. And if those actions are not what you're wanting to see, then you can make your decisions and act on those appropriately.
nextel Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 You know what....there are certain things that are out of your control. Once a man walks out of your door, there is not much you can do. So, stop worrying about things you have no control over. MM is going to make whatever decision is best for you him. You need to make the best decision for you. Alot has been said about him lying, you waiting to x# of years and the truth is that....that has nothing to do with the price of corn. You are the best judge of your relationship. It is very possible for MM to leave his situation and be with OW if that is what he really wants. People enter unions for various reasons. Very few get married or marry for love. I dont know why your MM got M in the first place, but if you have waited this long, you deserve to get some answers from him. If nothing else, get your questions answered. Yes, I understand the whole housing market issue. Yes, I also understand the whole issue of children. That is why you are the best judge of your relationship. Look at things realistically, and if there is anything in you that is telling you that he is lying, then he probably is. If you trust him as you are implying in your post, then just get some answers and let it be known that it is not fair to keep you waiting. What are his intentions as far as you and him are concerned.
Owl Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Hey Nextel! How about an update on your thread about your situation?? Good to 'see' you! Sorry for the t/j.
nextel Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Hey Nextel! How about an update on your thread about your situation?? Good to 'see' you! Sorry for the t/j. Hey Owl, Post it and I shall give you the update!
Author hopeful08 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 Thankyou very much for your advise, I dont want to look at this thru rose colored glasses but the doom and gloom is a little much also...... So is the no contact thx hopeful08
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I disagree with some of the posts above... I don't see the point in saying "Wow six years" etc etc when that isn't addressing the OP (original posters) question? I also can't understand why an OW would be asked to "test" her MM with NC when she has waited six years for him, when she is now thinking about her future with him and supporting him through this time. It may work in the textbooks but in real life emotions don't bend that way. I've never been a fan of no contact unless it's for one thing - to rid him from your life. Sorry OP, just wanted to make that point. Did you have nagging doubts about MM's plans before discovery day? I can imagine that since he has been found out and hasn't left of his own accord, that makes your relationship foundations shakey. The thing is, no-one can predict the future. MM himself may well have the best intentions to you, his wife, his child, his relationships. But those intentions mean nothing without actions. However, I would also be wary of second-guessing him. What you need to concentrate on is YOU. I know that sounds easier than it is, but these doubts will burn away at your relationship and if he is, as you say, being completely honest in his communication with you, I can see how defending himself after six years of understanding may now come as a surprise. Don't concentrate solely on him. If you need to move, move. Don't base your relationship in the present around one that possibly will happen in the future, as I think this is where the most of your insecurities will stem from. Do things for YOU, live your life for YOU. I think once the focus isn't solely on him, your nagging doubts may subside a little
bentnotbroken Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I see the point, Wow six years. That's a long time to waste on someone else's spouse.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 BNB, my point was that these sorts of general observations (heavily loaded with opinion) is not really assisting the OP. Just an observation
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Read stampdaddy's thread(s). 6 years is too long..
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I have read it WWIU and in my opinion, six years? Depends on the circumstances... My point is that talking about the posters past when she is questioning the future is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I doubt the OP needed "Six years was way too long" in answer to her question of "How do you deal with nagging doubts"
Author hopeful08 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 Je Ne Regrette Rien, Thankyou , your comments have been very helpful, a little history, I moved here from the western US about seven 1/2 years ago, "here" being the south, there was a bit of a culture shock as you can imagine, and at the time I was still married (badly) My parents are/were both Britt's and I was exposed very heavily to the culture as a kid, all relatives with the exception of my maternal grandparents live in the UK. This man is British... and is from the same part of the UK as my Dad was (he is now dead) I never thought that I would ever, succumb to a relationship like this, we were friends for a year before anything happened between us (included in the six) and neither of us entered into the situation without thought. He was to me like finding a needle in a haystack and the same goes for himself, as stated by him, His wife is not from the UK, and there were problems in his marriage before he met me, he had at one point asked her for a divorce but she go pregnant, and so he decided to stay. Some, I guess some would say to that , if the relationship was that bad how could that have happened, but he is after all, a man. My marriage was bad and I was on my way out, same thing happened to me, I stayed because I go pregnant....... my daughter was 10 when we separated. One of my major concerns is his wife will not speak to him , she swings from losing her temper, to weeks of silence, I guess I had hoped at some point she would calm down, and so did he, But...... Trying to come to a workable situation with someone like that, is difficult, especially with a child involved. He a mellow calm person, she is not. I think we all know what kind of damage can be done in a situation like that. That is the primary reason that I am concerned. I recently told him that maybe he should stay. But he said no that is not an option, but I can see that he is very concerned about his daughter, as he should be. just a little history, Thank's hopeful08
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