Distancing yourself from friends of the Ex.

[CaliGuy]

I mentioned some time ago about my friend who's husband committed suicide last year around this time. A few months later I helped her pack up her stuff, she rented the van and I drive it 800 miles, paid for the gas, paid for my flight back, etc.

 

I care about this friend, but she is a close friend of my ex. So over the course of the year I have been distancing myself from her and other mutual friends of my ex. They know that I don't want to be CC'd in emails to her or on a mailing list that includes her. I don't want to know what's going on in the ex's life. In fact, I've completely ex-communicated myself from her.

 

Today I received another message from my friend who actually asked the ex a question in regards to me and I finally had it. I told her basically that if she wanted to be my friend she would respect my decision to not only not talk to me about my ex, but not talk to my ex about me.

 

This upset her greatly as she feels that she can be friends with both of us and expects my ex and I to be "buds". Sorry. Ain't gonna happen with me. Essentially I told her I don't give a damn about my ex and I've done everything I could to keep her out of my life including banning her IP address from my web site, cutting off her family and most of our mutual friends sans a select few.

 

My question I guess is am I out of line for doing this? I care about this friend and she's had some hard times. At the same time, I really feel disrespected when my request for anonymity are ignored.

 

She's upset and I understand but she also needs to respect my position. At least that's how I feel.

 

Not sure if anyone else has gone through this but I worked really hard to get my ex completely out of my life and I don't feel like she deserves to have any information concerning me. Once she walked away, that was it. She made a conscious decision to walk and I am holding her accountable to that, as much as I can. At the same time the distance has really helped me immensely and I think it's what has truly made me a believer in NC.

 

Am I being a jerk or am I finally at the point where my self confidence has returned? I think it's the latter but would like a few opinions.

Edited February 26, 2008 by CaliGuy

[KittenMoon]

I think your friend should respect your wishes Cali. I've also had to deal with this. My ex and I had a large group of mutual friends, most of which I kept and he outright abandoned, despite long, close relationships with them. So mostly its not an issue, but it has come up recently that one friend who is friend w/ ex's roomie blah blah blah apparently they hung out briefly and brought it up in front of me.

 

All I can suggest is short sentences or silence. I will not be drawn into a conversation about the ex that I am not comfortable with.

 

But try not to fault those lapses- remember that they don't know the whole story, or the emotional layers. As far as I know, none of my friends know of the exchanges I've had with my ex (that were highly insensitive and/or inappropriate on his end), nor such things such as how he now has a tattoo that's part representative of me.

 

Your friend probably simply does not understand, and is maybe standing her ground to try to help you open up to the idea of "buddies" with your ex- which obviously you don't want nor have any obligation to.

 

And as an aside, you're blocking the ex's IP (which I can't do) makes me a bit jealous- mine still reads my blog daily, often multiple times, and checks up on my MySpace regularly. You'd think not wanting us in their life would make our life far less interesting to follow- but who knows what lurks in the minds of exes.

[CaliGuy]

I think your friend should respect your wishes Cali. I've also had to deal with this. My ex and I had a large group of mutual friends, most of which I kept and he outright abandoned, despite long, close relationships with them. So mostly its not an issue, but it has come up recently that one friend who is friend w/ ex's roomie blah blah blah apparently they hung out briefly and brought it up in front of me.

 

All I can suggest is short sentences or silence. I will not be drawn into a conversation about the ex that I am not comfortable with.

 

But try not to fault those lapses- remember that they don't know the whole story, or the emotional layers. As far as I know, none of my friends know of the exchanges I've had with my ex (that were highly insensitive and/or inappropriate on his end), nor such things such as how he now has a tattoo that's part representative of me.

 

Your friend probably simply does not understand, and is maybe standing her ground to try to help you open up to the idea of "buddies" with your ex- which obviously you don't want nor have any obligation to.

 

And as an aside, you're blocking the ex's IP (which I can't do) makes me a bit jealous- mine still reads my blog daily, often multiple times, and checks up on my MySpace regularly. You'd think not wanting us in their life would make our life far less interesting to follow- but who knows what lurks in the minds of exes.

 

 

I agree with you. I have been as understanding with her as possible and I guess she and I will never see eye to eye on why my Ex and I can't be "buds."

 

As for Myspace you can make you profile "Viewable by friends only" to stop the myspace hits. If your blog is on a site you own, you can edit the .htaccess file and block his IP that way.

 

Or you can be really mean and post a blog entry telling him you know he's cyber stalking you and pointing out what a loser he is.

 

Of course that could be construed as vindictive but it would drive the point home...

 

[serendip]

I think if you truly moved on and regained control of your life...it shouldn't matter if your friend talks to your ex about you...you shouldn't really care what they talk about.

 

It shouldn't bother you at all b/c you are living your life.

 

But if it bothers you...then try to explain it to your friend better.

[CaliGuy]

I think if you truly moved on and regained control of your life...it shouldn't matter if your friend talks to your ex about you...you shouldn't really care what they talk about.

 

It shouldn't bother you at all b/c you are living your life.

 

It bothers me because of what is being said, not particularly that it's her. It's the context and referrals which have no respect for me as a person. If it was just junk mail, no biggie.

 

But if it bothers you...then try to explain it to your friend better.

 

I did and I think she understands.

[KittenMoon]

Or you can be really mean and post a blog entry telling him you know he's cyber stalking you and pointing out what a loser he is.

 

Aren't you one who has pointed out that the best revenge is a well-lived life? Let's just say what makes it into my blog is mostly the well-living stuff. Let him read it.

 

I doubt your friend will ever really understand. And having suffered the loss she has, maybe it's her own issues manifesting themselves- suicide is a horrible loss. Maybe she's feeling like since she can't resolve what happened in her life, she can gently nudge others into amicability?

[CaliGuy]

Aren't you one who has pointed out that the best revenge is a well-lived life? Let's just say what makes it into my blog is mostly the well-living stuff. Let him read it.

 

I was being facetious

 

I doubt your friend will ever really understand. And having suffered the loss she has, maybe it's her own issues manifesting themselves- suicide is a horrible loss. Maybe she's feeling like since she can't resolve what happened in her life, she can gently nudge others into amicability?

 

Perhaps. I think my note to her was kind yet firm in my stance. She's since remarried so I don't know that she is amicable quite yet She apparently recovered quite quickly

[frd150]

Hey cali,

 

Well I am in kinda the same situation. I am still good friends with the couple that introduced me to my ex. Heck, the guy is one of my best friends so needless to say I see them often.

 

It almost happened without me never saying a word about my wishes to remain oblivious to my ex's adventures. To this day we hang out and not a word about what my ex is up to and frankly I dont care. Ive come too far and who knows the wrong thing might set me back as I still have feelings.. Now I know you handled you split alot better than me but on this im with you.

 

Like you told me along time ago "the best revenge is a life well lived" I think everyone on here knows you for that saying but Ive used it (sorry) and I believe it. Funny thing is that couple spares me but word is they do not spare her stories of my adventures.

 

 

As far as your friend, I her out would gently remind her until she gets it. Its a tricky deal given her situation. You dont want to be labled as the a$$ that chewed her out. Tread lightly I guess. Your a pretty smart dude,you'll figure out a way.

 

 

Buuuut if she remaried and you exhaust all attempts then game on! She'll get over it.

Edited February 26, 2008 by frd150

[CaliGuy]

Heh, I fully believe the best revenge is a life well lived. I didn't come up with that, that's someone else on LS but I do use it a lot. It's true.

 

I am living life well. La Via Loca (sorry, couldn't resist). I just want to live it without her in it, ya know? I don't care about her life and when I am presented with it, most of the time I just ignore it. It's just when it happens too much for my taste, I have to put my foot down.

 

The note I wrote to my friend was firm but kind. I think she gets the point.

 

Thanks

[D-Lish]

I think you have every right to expect privacy and have your wishes adhered to. I'd be angry if someone pushed those boundaries with me after I asked them not to on numerous occasions.

 

I always see my ex brother in law at my local supermarket... and it always affects me and reminds me of things I don't want to be reminded of when I see him. I've done everything possible to cut all ties to my ex.

 

I think you have every right to ask for that and have your wishes respected.

[frd150]

Heh, I fully believe the best revenge is a life well lived. I didn't come up with that, that's someone else on LS but I do use it a lot. It's true.

 

I am living life well. La Via Loca (sorry, couldn't resist). I just want to live it without her in it, ya know? I don't care about her life and when I am presented with it, most of the time I just ignore it. It's just when it happens too much for my taste, I have to put my foot down.

 

The note I wrote to my friend was firm but kind. I think she gets the point.

 

Thanks

 

Its ok Ricky Martin is way back in the "where are they now" file,he'll never know.

 

Its all about protecting your progress I guess. Dont get me wrong I still have my moments and today was know exception but the last thing I need is to hear what shes up to and with whom...ya know?

 

Sounds like problem solved wit little or no drama. Its your right so dont feel otherwise. Sounds like self confidence returned to me.

[CaliGuy]

I think you have every right to expect privacy and have your wishes adhered to. I'd be angry if someone pushed those boundaries with me after I asked them not to on numerous occasions.

 

I always see my ex brother in law at my local supermarket... and it always affects me and reminds me of things I don't want to be reminded of when I see him. I've done everything possible to cut all ties to my ex.

 

I think you have every right to ask for that and have your wishes respected.

 

D, you can't shop for groceries somewhere else? Since I've moved the chances of bumping into my ex or any of her relatives have diminished and that's a good thing.

 

Cutting ties with an ex makes NC much easier, however you do it.

[whichwayisup]

This upset her greatly as she feels that she can be friends with both of us and expects my ex and I to be "buds". This upset her greatly as she feels that she can be friends with both of us and expects my ex and I to be "buds".

 

She is NO real friend of yours if she has put 'rules' on the friendship by saying that she expects you and the ex to be friends as well. If she cannot respect your privacy and feels the need to be the 'gossiper' about your life to your ex, then end the friendship as it serves NO purpose in your life.

[CaliGuy]

Its ok Ricky Martin is way back in the "where are they now" file,he'll never know.

 

Its all about protecting your progress I guess. Dont get me wrong I still have my moments and today was know exception but the last thing I need is to hear what shes up to and with whom...ya know?

 

Sounds like problem solved wit little or no drama. Its your right so dont feel otherwise. Sounds like self confidence returned to me.

 

Thanks. That's how I feel and I know I am happy with the decision I have made to excommunicate the ex from my life.

 

Best decision I've made in a long time

[CaliGuy]

She is NO real friend of yours if she has put 'rules' on the friendship by saying that she expects you and the ex to be friends as well. If she cannot respect your privacy and feels the need to be the 'gossiper' about your life to your ex, then end the friendship as it serves NO purpose in your life.

 

Ah see that's how I felt about it. I've been gentle with her because of her situation with her husband committing suicide. She doesn't understand the crap I went through with the ex and I haven't told her that about 6 months ago I told the ex to stay out of my life in every capacity, including stalking me online....

[whichwayisup]

And don't ever tell her because then she'll go straight to your ex and TELL her. Telling her only gives her (your friend) the POWER. For some reason she really is needing to be the inbetween and she wants something out of it. Weird...

 

Your ex is just plain nosy.

[CaliGuy]

And don't ever tell her because then she'll go straight to your ex and TELL her. Telling her only gives her (your friend) the POWER. For some reason she really is needing to be the inbetween and she wants something out of it. Weird...

 

My ex might be pumping her for info since I booted her from access to my web site. I think my friend genuinely wants us both in her life and wants us to get along but that's not going to happen.

 

I'm not asking her to choose sides, I am simply asking her to keep our conversations private. I don't talk about my ex to her but if she continues to include my ex in our conversations I will cut off contact with the friend.

 

Your ex is just plain nosy.

 

Yep. And I think she would get off if I was miserable without her and I think it does bug her that I am not. Ex's have a nose for when you are happy without them and I think she's feeling it now.

[EllaDerSpin]

This upset her greatly as she feels that she can be friends with both of us and expects my ex and I to be "buds". Sorry. Ain't gonna happen with me. Essentially I told her I don't give a damn about my ex and I've done everything I could to keep her out of my life including banning her IP address from my web site, cutting off her family and most of our mutual friends sans a select few.

Not sure if anyone else has gone through this but I worked really hard to get my ex completely out of my life and I don't feel like she deserves to have any information concerning me. Once she walked away, that was it. She made a conscious decision to walk and I am holding her accountable to that, as much as I can. At the same time the distance has really helped me immensely and I think it's what has truly made me a believer in NC.

You sound very angry at your ex. Perhaps your friend does not understand the anger. But I do agree that if you know what you need in order to heal then it is nicer if friends do respect that.

Am I being a jerk or am I finally at the point where my self confidence has returned? I think it's the latter but would like a few opinions.

If something is not helping you to grow then it's not helping you to grow.

It is okay to recognise what you need to do. I suppose the danger is always that you forget your own higher motivation (that is, you want to heal yourself, and whatever caused you to take rejection so badly, and any other self realisations you have had), and you begin to see it as a punishment to your ex.

[CaliGuy]

You sound very angry at your ex. Perhaps your friend does not understand the anger. But I do agree that if you know what you need in order to heal then it is nicer if friends do respect that.

 

One of my friends pointed out that he felt I wanted control. I agree in a sense, I want to control her access to my life by simply not letting her in on it whenever I can. Given the way that relationship ended, I don't feel that she deserves to peek into my life. I think we all should have that right (especially given that my ex was poking around in my life for a long time after we broke up).

 

If something is not helping you to grow then it's not helping you to grow.

It is okay to recognise what you need to do. I suppose the danger is always that you forget your own higher motivation (that is, you want to heal yourself, and whatever caused you to take rejection so badly, and any other self realisations you have had), and you begin to see it as a punishment to your ex.

 

The message to my friends has been the same.

 

A) Don't tell me anything about my ex, I don't care, don't want to hear it.

B) Don't tell my ex anything about my life. It's none of her business anymore.

 

Maybe in a sense I am trying to punish her, I don't know. What I do know is that she's not a good person and not someone who I want in my life nor do I want any part of hers. And if it takes me distancing myself from friends who won't respect that request then I'll do it.

 

Not out of anger or bitterness but simply a need to move on with my life.

[emalkoc]

Cali, you are doing exactly what "No More Nice Guy" should do...:-) Dont let EXes be friends with you...The woman tend to believe that they can have securities even if they are someone else's husband..it is strange but I saw in many woman that they like having guy caring for them even if they are not theirs.

 

So making clear to them that you dont care for them, it is an actually sign of mature guy!

 

dont take bs!

 

cheers

 

eric

[CaliGuy]

Cali, you are doing exactly what "No More Nice Guy" should do...:-) Dont let EXes be friends with you...The woman tend to believe that they can have securities even if they are someone else's husband..it is strange but I saw in many woman that they like having guy caring for them even if they are not theirs.

 

So making clear to them that you dont care for them, it is an actually sign of mature guy!

 

dont take bs!

 

cheers

 

eric

 

Yup. I don't remember if I learned that from no more Mr Nice Guy or not. I just know I don't want the mutual friends feeding her information about my personal life. It's none of her business.

 

I know for a fact this freind does feed her info so I had to nip that in the bud. If she (the friend) wants to remain friends with me she has to respect my desire for privacy. If she can't do it, she can't remain my friend.

 

I have plenty of friends (I make them easily enough). I just want people around me that genuinely care about me, not the ones that want to take advantage of me. Those aren't friends. Those are "takers"

[Chinook]

heya Cali

 

Been a while since I was here. Bad day today I guess.

 

Your initial post rang so true with me. I completely severed all contact with ALL of my friends who are/were friends with my ex. I had to. Sanity required it. Even now, I can't face emailing anyone from my running club or triathlon club to see how everyone is - just can't associate myself with any of it. I'm better in complete NC. It sucks like a really bad sucky thing... but it's necessary.

 

I hope your friend sees the point sooner or later.

 

Cx

[CaliGuy]

heya Cali

 

Been a while since I was here. Bad day today I guess.

 

Your initial post rang so true with me. I completely severed all contact with ALL of my friends who are/were friends with my ex. I had to. Sanity required it. Even now, I can't face emailing anyone from my running club or triathlon club to see how everyone is - just can't associate myself with any of it. I'm better in complete NC. It sucks like a really bad sucky thing... but it's necessary.

 

I hope your friend sees the point sooner or later.

 

Cx

 

Sorry to hear about that, Cx.

 

I don't think my friend is going to be a friend for much longer. After I had this "heart to heart" talk with her she removed me from her top friends list. That didn't bother me so much. What did is that I believe she lied to me as well and that doesn't sit right with me. I'll know for sure if she did on Monday and if she did, she's done.

 

I just don't have the time in my life for people who disrespect my wishes. If being my friend means you can't share info with my ex about me and you do so anyway, well then, you're just not my friend anymore.

 

And I'm cool with that. There's so many positive things going on in my life that I don't have/want/need to waste my time on anything related to the ex, including her friends

 

Cheers

[AvgJoeDoe]

Well when i fell over toes for my ex I quit all my friends in a way to be with her most of the time. The only so called "friends" were the ones she had including her sister and cousins. I talked to them a few times but i got a feeling they don't want to know about me, which sucks cause I thought we created a good friendship. I haven't spoken to them since and well not that im too concerned but they said once "If it don't work out with your ex that don't mean we cant have communication" well i called them once after the break up and they seem too busy on their lives. Which is kinda messed up since when they had issues I always listen and try to help them out.

[CaliGuy]

FYI the mutual friend lied to me so now I know I have to remove her from my circle of friends. I won't go into any details but suffice to say she knew what she was doing and I think she had some malicious intent. With friends like that who needs enemies? LOL.

 

Either way, I'm good to go. Even went on a date Saturday which I had a blast. The best part is I'm getting approached by women more often which I like. Not sure if my attitude has changed that much but I'm liking me some me. Haha.