btc8 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 So, I've been in NC with my ex for about 5 days, and while I feel like I am coming to my senses (as in, I am actually coming to grips that he really did treat me horribly), it's so dang hard not to call/text/email him! I've erased his phone number, so it's kind of impossible for me to call him because I don't remember his number, but AHHHHHHH! I've been trying to keep myself busy, and I find that I am not obsessing over him as much as I used to, it's still hard. I guess I don't really have a question, but I am just looking for advice on what you guys do to battle with this angst of NC. Is there an initial hump that once you break, NC gets easier? Thanks guys.
tonyeltiger Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 My ex of a 4 year relationship broke up with me officially about 3 weeks ago. It's been over 2 weeks since I've heard her voice, and only 2 days since our final e-mails. I am going through hell as well. I'm trying to keep busy, but it is hard. hanging out with people that are so happy when I am so sad is kinda tough. I certainly am still desperately in love with her, but realize that it is over. On top of that she's already dating after only a few days since the break up was finalized! It's tough no matter what the situation, but the only thing that kind of helps me is knowing that it could have been far worse. Imagine if you would have gotten married, had a kid, were financially dependent, and then got divorced. In this light it may feel that you're not in such a bad position. Still hurts like hell to still have feelings for that person you spent so much of your life with though!
realgone Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 it gets easier, then it gets harder, then easier, then harder... eventually it will turn into a downward slope where it continually gets easier and easier until it's habitual and you don't think about it or care, but for now you can expect plenty more angst. all you can do is try to occupy your time. if you're really struggling, find something to do where you can't call. go out and leave your phone at home. call somebody else. just get away from telecommunication until it passes, then do it all over again next time. it's super hard, but it'll get better and you'll be much better off if you maintain.
wyrllish Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 My 5th day of NC as well and it sucks, longest we've ever gone w/o contact. You will read that NC is the best thing to do and just work on yourself. I hate not texting/calling her, especially since I know she would respond. Personally I'm not at that point where I'm fully moving on knowing she doesn't want me back in some sense. Do know though that if I have any chance I just need to disappear and never initiate contact. Fight w/ myself all the time if I should contact but just have to remember that doing it will only make things worse for the both of you. I'm better than I was two months ago when it happened. I still think about the things I did back then but the empty/depressed/laze around feeling isn't there as often(was yesterday though cause Sundays suck ). Just know that it WILL get better after time and sticking to NC.
superfox Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 No contact is hard - its not easy, but you will be okay keep staying strong, be proud of yourself for going five days. Don't think about even making contact, if you do it will send you back to day one of the breakup. Do you really want to face more rejection? What about this person is more important than making yourself whole again? Don't put so much value on this person. Think about it like a job, if you have a job and they call you in and you get fired will you call them the next day?? will you ask them why? or if maybe you can pick up some extra shifts and settle for a demotion? Ofcourse you won't you don't need that humiliation!!! I had to write myself a short blurb on how my conversation with go with an ex if I tried to call them and compared it to being fired from a job it went like this: Ex: I’m sorry this isn’t working out, I just don’t think we can work together, we aren’t on the same wavelength. I just don’t feel we have chemistry, and I don’t feel the spark. I don’t think you are a good worker, your not good enough for me. I have talked to the other managers and that is how we feel about you. We just don’t see a future with you, I am really sorry, we aren’t trying to be malicious or anything. We have been thinking about it for the past two weeks, we know we made future plans with you to attend the company field trip, and party etc, but we think it would be wrong to keep leading you on, your fired. You (in a few days): Hi ex, how are you? I was just calling to see how you were doing. Maybe we can be friends, maybe I won’t work as much as I used to, just do some casual stuff. Why did you fire me anyways? Was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if I screwed up, I just really enjoyed my work here, I don’t care if you fired me I still want to work here! I felt so happy when I worked here, I have great memories of us. And are you sure I didn’t do anything wrong? I just want a few minutes to talk about what went wrong. I need answers. I want to know why you fired me. I feel so sad about it. I mean did you find another worker to replace me? Why didn’t we have chemistry? I don’t mind if I can’t be here everyday just a few days a month even, I will take any scraps you throw me, I don’t care I just want to be around you, even though you fired me I still want to be around you. I just feel we made a good partnership. Trust me you don't want to contact the person...it will just make you feel worse, and make you seem pathetic and desperate, I have been there I have gone in that vicious cycle. Think about the WORST thing that can happen in you contacting them like them hanging up, or saying they are busy or not answering. Then you will try to keep calling them and it won't be good, you are giving them POWER with every thought of them, with every desire of calling them DON'T GIVE THEM THAT POWER. Don't let their thoughts on you have any bearing on you as a person. Remember you are perfectly lovable and anyone not wanting to be with you is not worth your time!
Author btc8 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 You all gave PERFECT advice! In vain, I decided to go to dinner with my friend, and she and I studied physiology together. I didn't think about my ex that much, and when I returned to my dorm, the urge to call/break NC dissipated! I think now I am just trying to reply all the crap he did to me (or what he's missing). I'm a catch, damn it! Why people don't realize what they have until it's gone is beyond me... But thanks y'all for your advice!
sedona Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I haven't broken up with my BF - we're on a no contact break. He's going to get in touch with me when he knows more. That could be anytime between now and forever. Well, ok, not forever. But it could be a long time. He says, among other things, that he needs to feel what it's like not to have me in his life. I guess he needs to see whether he misses me or not. This is only day 8. Every day has been a struggle for me. I really, really, really want to contact him. I miss him. I want to know what's he's been thinking. I want to know when this waiting will be over. What do I do?!?!? Help, help, help please!
Author btc8 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 I haven't broken up with my BF - we're on a no contact break. He's going to get in touch with me when he knows more. That could be anytime between now and forever. Well, ok, not forever. But it could be a long time. He says, among other things, that he needs to feel what it's like not to have me in his life. I guess he needs to see whether he misses me or not. This is only day 8. Every day has been a struggle for me. I really, really, really want to contact him. I miss him. I want to know what's he's been thinking. I want to know when this waiting will be over. What do I do?!?!? Help, help, help please! There doesn't seem like there's much you can do but wait. The whole thing about what you explained seems rather unfair in my opinion. Just hear me out. He should already have the slightest inkling of what his life would be like without you; he shouldn't need to test drive the situation. It's not entirely fair of him to make you wait around for his decision. If you both agreed to take the break, then that's one thing, but if one of you initiated it (seems like it was him), it's almost always at the discretion or the hesitation of the other. Just think about this break as your time to find yourself. What has this relationship given you? Has it brought you joy? Has it expanded your life or has it left you drained? Look at it holistically, and try to come to the reality that, regardless of the decision he makes, you do not need to base your life solely on how someone else makes you feel (read: you deserve to have someone who knows what he wants and doesn't just have an vague idea of what he wants because it's obvious you care greatly for him). Good Luck.
sedgwick Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I've been NC for 6 months now, and it's 7.5 since the breakup. It gets easier, then harder. The last couple of days it's been easier, but this doesn't mean I'm not still completely in love with him. Ah well...it's much easier now than it was the first week, that's for sure.
sedona Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 The last time I spoke to my BF, I drove to his house to break up with him. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I was sooooo happy with him, but over the past few months he's been slowly pulling away from me and it's been driving me nuts. He doesn't have an explanation for why, just that he feels some sort of block and can't open himself. In the end, I couldn't break up with him. After all, I love him. He couldn't break up with me either because he had such strong feelings for me and doesn't understand what happened, plus we get along so well. There are absolutely no practical things in the way, we share many of the same interests, can talk about everything, etc...So we ended things up with this break so he can figure things out. How long do I wait???? I know he'll get in touch with me one day- that's how I calm myself down sometimes...but how many days is too many? Can I ever ask him to get a move on or do I just have to wait until the day I can't wait anymore and say enough is enough? I know that best thing is to wait until he contacts me when he's decided something, but WHEN, WHEN, WHEN?? Give it time, yes. Please, how much time?? Any ideas? We were together for 7 months- Not a long time, I know, but I want this to work out if at all possible.
sedona Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Just think about this break as your time to find yourself. What has this relationship given you? Has it brought you joy? Has it expanded your life or has it left you drained? Look at it holistically, and try to come to the reality that, regardless of the decision he makes, you do not need to base your life solely on how someone else makes you feel (read: you deserve to have someone who knows what he wants and doesn't just have an vague idea of what he wants because it's obvious you care greatly for him). And yes, thanks. I know that I don't need him to validate me. And if the realtionship had been terrific, then we wouldn't be here now. It brought me all of those things you mentioned: Joy, expansion.. and then left me completely drained. So I'm doing all the things you're supposed to be doing. the gym, work, kids, friends, etc. Still, my mind is somewhere else. With him. AARGH.
Author btc8 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 And yes, thanks. I know that I don't need him to validate me. And if the realtionship had been terrific, then we wouldn't be here now. It brought me all of those things you mentioned: Joy, expansion.. and then left me completely drained. So I'm doing all the things you're supposed to be doing. the gym, work, kids, friends, etc. Still, my mind is somewhere else. With him. AARGH. That's good. With time your longing for him will soon dissipate to more tolerable levels in the coming weeks. I was in a similar relationship that brought me joy, growth, but also times of a plunging sense of self-security and independence--in fact, I turned rather dependent on him. Such dependency, while seemingly irrational at the time, went nevertheless unrealized in my heart, and I grew emotionally drained. It's been a solid week now since I've heard his voice. How do I feel? Well, I guess you could say ambivalent. Happy in realizing that my attachment to him can be made into a detachment with time, but also a bit sad because I do miss him. We're allowed to feel such things as longing. This longing is also exacerbated by the fact that I did receive an email from my ex without a subject line, but only reading 'I miss you. Take care.' At least he misses me.
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