Cultural or not????

[monlin]

Hallo, I am a Swedish woman living in Sweden. Two years ago I met an American man, and he proposed to me a month go. We decided to get married this summer. I was so happy. Over a night HE deciced to move back to US and to not working here, and when I asked when we were going to get married, he said that we had to postpone it because he was going to search for a job. In my ears it sounded like he had changed his mind about the marriage. I couldn't come with him to US because of the money reason and no place to stay. When I asked when we were going to get married he had no answer, and when I pressed him, he said that there were no guarantee that we would get married. Here in Sweden we see like he broke the engagement and my family says the same. He says that the engagement is not broken and his family agrees with him that he did the right thing who postponed the wedding when he was going back to US and was not going to be able to support me. He claims that this is a cultural thing and that in US you do like this, but in my (and my families) ears it sounds like a bad way to get away and cancel the wedding. He also says that when he proposed the proposal had conditions, which was related to his job (which I didn't know anything about because he didn't mention any conditions). I don't see a job as a reason why getting or not getting married. And if you love eachother why postpone the wedding? What do you say????

[turtle]

It sounds like he wants to be able to support you before you guys get married. Also, he needs a good job to be able to pay for the wedding itself.

 

I think he would feel guilty if he brought you to the US and couldn't take care of you like a husband should.

 

If he says he loves you and if he has promised that he wants to marry you, then he does. It just may take a couple years for him to be financially able to do so. Just be patient with him.

[midori]

If I have read your story correctly, your fiance made a unilateral decision to return to the US. The fact that he didn't have a job lined up and would thus have to postpone the wedding until he had the means to support you is bad enough; it sounds like he didn't even ASK you if you wanted to move to the US. Is that so?

 

If that's what happened, I think you're right to think that the relationship is over. And even if he did discuss returning to the US with you, and even if he knew you would be willing to move there with him one day, the fact that he undertook this sudden move without discussing it with you beforehand indicates that he doesn't think he needs to make decisions jointly. He's still operating as an independent person, not as a partner. No matter what his rationale, that's just not right. Not a good sign of what's to come.

 

What if he decides one day in the future to take all of your joint savings and invest it in a get-rich-quick scheme -- without consulting with you? This guy doesn't take your wishes and your wisdom into consideration when making his choices -- choices which affect you. And that's not right. Are you sure you want to marry this guy? Are you sure you want to move to a foreign country to be with a guy who doesn't feel the need to consult with you about important decisions? I don't think I'd want to be with such a man.

 

So my advice is to forget about what is normal in your culture or his culture. Follow your common sense. I don't know about yours, but my common sense says that the best thing to do would be to break up with this guy. Find yourself a nice Dane who doesn't mind living in Sweden, and when he wants to go home it will just be a ferry ride across the sea to Copenhagen.

 

Good luck!