Biggest taboo in the book. Guilty as charged.

[achilles27]

Hi, I'm new to this site but feel as though it's going to be a good sounding board for the unbelievable Jerry Springer like situation I now find myself in.

Let me explain. Seven years ago I met a guy. A great guy who at one point in my life I would have died for. I was only 17 when we started going out. He was 21. We were both young and both honestly thought that that was it - we'd found the person who we were going to spend the rest of our lives with. But people change and so did we. Three bouts of 'on again, off again,' some gigantic arguments, a failed attempt at house renovation and a good smattering of resentment towards one another and it eventually ended for good on New Year's Day this year. Seven years down the tubes.

We both admitted that we didn't love each other any more and he even said he knew that I had to be the one to end it because he didn't have the balls.

He took it badly, as you would if you'd been dumped on New Year's Day - but my timing, you'll understand, is unbelievably terrible.

That was nearly 2 months ago but it feels alot longer.

Okay - so now this is where my situation just gets ridculous.

A month ago a friend of ours (my ex and I) admitted to me that he had feelings for me but didn't want to do anything about it because it was too soon after the breakup. I have to admit I had had feelings for this guy about 18 months previously but did nothing about it of course because I was still with my ex. I honestly thought those feelings had gone away but unrequitted love has a nasty habit of biting you in the arse when you least expect it.

To cut a long story short we've spent A LOT of time together since. We go out walking, we chat, we laugh and I've fallen fall him. Hook line and sinker. He took me out for a very romatic meal on Valentine's ( the first time I've EVER been taken out on Valentine's Day) he does PDAs (something my ex would had run a million miles at) we have stupid amounts in common, he makes me laugh, he understands alot of what I've been through in the past because he's been there too. I've never felt like this about anyone - which is a horrible thing to admit after being with someone for 7 years I know.

Then last week, we slept together. I know I'm not cheating on anyone in a sense but at the end of the day my ex trusted both of us and I've betrayed him in the worst possible way.

But at the same time I actually really see a future with the other guy - which is why on Friday when my ex gets back from the States I'm going to tell him about us. I want to be the one to tell him because as my mum says 'you've made your bed so now you must lie in it.' I know I can't bury my head in the sand over this so I'm swallowing what little pride I have left in myself and facing it head on. But I'm absolutely petrified about what he's going to do. He's not a violent guy at all but the most awful thing about this is that a previous girlfriend slept with his best mate when he was 18. Although he's still friends with both of them - something I could never get my head around when we were together - I know how much it hurt him and to have more or less the same thing happen again very well might push him over the edge.

So what I'm asking for help with is how do I approach the subject without him completely loosing the plot? Is there someway I can soften the blow? Where should I tell him? How do I start the conversation? I've gone through every possible scenario but still don't know how to start to tell him.

Please be gentle with your responses. I know what I'm doing is totally taboo and is really going put the cat amongst the pidgeons but I think I love this new guy so I wouldn't be telling my ex if I wasn't serious about this new relationship. I hope this has made some sense and thank you for listening to me rant.

[mark982]

i fail to see the problem. you were broke up with your boyfriend,so he has no claim to you.alittle ackward yes,wrong no.

[achilles27]

Thank you. You've just made me smile for the first time today!

[Geishawhelk]

We both admitted that we didn't love each other any more and he even said he knew that I had to be the one to end it because he didn't have the balls.

 

You have no reason to feel guilty.

He's actually a bit spineless, if he left it to you to call it a day, because he didn't have the courage.

And now you're worried about hurting his feelings and what he'll do?

He has no right or hold over you to say or do anything.

What you do now you've broken up with him, is your business.

I don't know if his girlfiend (the one who slept with his best mate) was still going out with him at the time, but if she was, then that's a different issue altogether.

If he had already broken up with her, and she did it afterwards, then I'd say your ex- has attachment/control issueas.

You say he was heartbroken when you broke up with him - even if he'd already admitted you had come to the end of the road?

A healthy mutual break-up means you both admit it, and wish each other well, and if you want to, remain in touch as friends.

But he has no claim on you, or any right to get mad over this.

By all means tell him you've started seeing*whomever*.... but don't ,what ever you do, let him make you feel guilty about it, or have any feelings of guilt yourself.

You have a life.

Live it.

[achilles27]

"You have a life

Live it"

 

Too damn right - as they say, life isn't a dress rehearsal. Thank you for your advice. I'm starting to feel much stronger about this now. Roll on Friday.

[paladin1]

Let me say this from a guys perspective. My girlfriend had "feelings" for another guy, and handled them in a COMPLETELY different way, resulting in numerous lies on her part.

I wish that she had the respect for me and our relationship to write, or think, what you did above. Yes, this is going to hurt him. However, I'd ask you to be honest with him and tell him the truth as you plan to do. Be prepared for an emotional conversation...but if he is anything like me; he will eventually respect you for your honesty and concern for his feelings. You have a remarkably mature attitude towards this, and your concern for his feelings is admirable. I, from a guys perspective, applaud what you are doing and think you are doing one of the best things you could do. Many people would take the easy route, avoid the conversation, hope he didn't find out, and be secretive about it...you are taking the initially harder route, but one that will not only leave him with a good image, eventually, of the respect you had for him but would allow for the possibility of friendship in the future as you continued to treat him with honesty and integrity. Good luck.

[achilles27]

Thank you paladin1. Honesty as they say is the best policy and I'd like to think that once this is over, he'd still like to be friends. I'm prepared for the fact that I'm going to be last person on earth he's going to want to see for a while but hopefully that'll pass.

I hope your own situation is okay now - girls can be incredibly mean when they want to be. A friend of mine did exactly the same to her boyfriend - I don't think she's ever got over the guilt. Thank you again for your reply.

[Trimmer]

I agree with the posters above: I don't see anything you've done wrong, and, assuming you didn't act on the new relationship until you were definitively broken up, you should not consider that you broke any kind of taboo or "betrayed" your ex-BF.

 

And while I appreciate the general spirit of Paladin's comments, (and I'm a guy, too) I want to point out that "honesty is the best policy" goes only so far as a blanket rule. I think telling your ex-BF is a courtesy you are extending, but that it is not a responsibility or an obligation. Further, I think that you should enforce some reasonable boundaries on your honesty, to encompass only the limited information that affects him. The fact that you are now seeing someone and, if asked, the fact that your new relationship developed entirely after the two of you broke up are reasonable, and pertinent to your ex-BF.

 

On the other hand, if he starts pressing you for more details (are you sleeping together, details about how they are different or similar as BF's or lovers...) I think you are entitled - and wise - to define those things as being within the private boundary of your new relationship and your new life. "Honesty is the best policy" is not a fishing license for your ex.

 

Bottom line: you seem to feel a great responsibility for your ex-bf's feelings, reflected, among other things, in your comment that your girlfriend "did the same thing to her boyfriend," and never got over the guilt. Guilt for what? Living her (your) life? As long as you have clearly broken up, and you were honorable in closing out that now-ended relationship, his feelings about himself and you are his responsibility and his alone.

 

You are extending him a very mature courtesy, but don't let that pull you back in to relationship issues for a relationship that you have both agreed is over. You are now separate people with your own lives to live.

Edited February 26, 2008 by Trimmer

[D-Lish]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

You're being upfront and honest about your feelings with both men...and it sounds as if you are experiencing happiness for the first time in a very long time.

 

Nothing wrong with choosing that happiness.

I'm glad this guy makes you happy, sounds like you had a rough go and you deserve it.

[Reckless]

you're not telling us because this is in no way either a tabou or a Jerry Springer situation.

 

You broke up with your boyfrend and started dating someone else, a mutual friend.

 

The fact that its a mutual friend may indeed make for some awkward situations and there is little chance you three will be having sleepovers, but you both handled the situation honorably and there is nothing to feel guilty about.

 

I wouldn't even inform your ex but if you choose to he will be furious (and jealous) and will probably make a play to win you back but you have made a decision to split and you are with someone new. To look back or begin spending time with both your ex and your new guy WOULD be 'Springer' so don't do that.