gullible Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Do other people find it as difficult as I do to tell their spouse that they are getting a divorce? I finally made up my mind last week after contemplating it for over two years. I spent all last week psyching myself up for it. I knew that W would cry, tell me that I was being totally unfair, plead with me, etc. I have difficulty with conflict and I knew it was going to be very difficult for me. My worst fear is that I will wimp out and agree to stay in the marriage. First I decided that I'd do it on Saturday morning. Then W informed me that she was going to get her mother Saturday morning and bring her over to our house for the day. OK, I thought, I'll do it Sunday morning. Sunday we woke up and the cat was missing. I wouldn't mind if the cat disappeared completely, but W loves the cat and was devastated. The cat goes out every night and comes back in the early morning. W said there was a strange, mean looking dog roaming the neighborhood yesterday and she was certain the cat had met his demise. I thought 'Is this is a sign that I shouldn't get a D?' I thought W was going to have the cat to keep her company, now she'll be completely alone. Two hours later we found the cat hiding in the closet. He had been taken for shots Saturday and was apparently traumatized and was hiding in the closet. However at that point I was no longer psyched up for a conversation, so I didn't bring it up. I don't know if I can psyche myself up again for next weekend.
meandmydog Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 hey man i mean if you dont love her its best to just do it then... its unfair to her that you are there not loving her and just basically a body around her... but if you have some love towards her then buddy get some help with her like a marriage counslor... i mean remember your vows and why you married her... make time to spend with her and only her like when you were dating her time ago.. but like i said if you dont love her anymore stop doing this to her and yourself, just be man enough to live with the consequeneces.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Gull what has happen since last post in Jan? you were to meet this OM, the 3 of you, did that ever take place? what has taken place since that time? what was the deciding factor to leave?
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 There isn't going to be any good time to tell her. Have you done any counselling to help you feel stronger so you can tell her and stick to your guns? I mean, is there anything she can do effort wise to make you want to stay and try again? Maybe moving out and being separated for a while is a good idea instead of doing the D bomb.
Author gullible Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 what has happen since last post in Jan? you were to meet this OM, the 3 of you, did that ever take place? what has taken place since that time? what was the deciding factor to leave?The meeting was supposedly postponed three times. Turns out W probably never talked to OM about the three of us meeting. I let it ride until late January, and then confronted her about it and she said that she severed all contact with him and that she would be embarrassed to call and ask him to meet with us. Obviously she was more concerned with what he would think if she called him and tried to set up a meeting, than what I thought, so I didn't pursue it. That's when I came to the conclusion that she probably had not ever talked to him about it. I think I probably made the decision at that time. Or perhaps it was a little later when I suspected that she had had an affair with a woman she works with. I posted a thread about that under a different user name since I was embarrassed that I hadn't followed the advice that I had received on this board. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t144754/
Author gullible Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Have you done any counselling to help you feel stronger so you can tell her and stick to your guns? I mean, is there anything she can do effort wise to make you want to stay and try again? I've been to three counselors. One said that she had already divorced me by her actions, another said that she appeared to living in fairy-tale land, and the third said that trust was the most important thing in a relationship and that if you don't have trust you need to get out. I mean, is there anything she can do effort wise to make you want to stay and try again? At this point I think it's too late for me to want to stay. However, that doesn't mean that I won't due it out of a feeling of obligation. I do remember my vows. When she was changing jobs a few months ago she went on three interviews and got three job offers. She said that because of her personality style that she could play the interviewers like an instrument. I think that's what she's doing to me. She knows my weaknesses. My worst fear is that she'll play on those weaknesses and I'll wind up staying in the marriage and continue feeling like she's manipulating me. That's not a good feeling.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Wow, that was you??? The only thing holding you back is divorce papers!!! What the hell are you waiting for!? Run!!!!
Darth Vader Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I've been to three counselors. One said that she had already divorced me by her actions, another said that she appeared to living in fairy-tale land, and the third said that trust was the most important thing in a relationship and that if you don't have trust you need to get out. At this point I think it's too late for me to want to stay. However, that doesn't mean that I won't due it out of a feeling of obligation. I do remember my vows. When she was changing jobs a few months ago she went on three interviews and got three job offers. She said that because of her personality style that she could play the interviewers like an instrument. I think that's what she's doing to me. She knows my weaknesses. My worst fear is that she'll play on those weaknesses and I'll wind up staying in the marriage and continue feeling like she's manipulating me. That's not a good feeling. That tells you something right there. When all 3 counselors are telling you to get away from this woman, some more obvious that others. Drop this dumb chic, MAN!
Darth Vader Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 In your case, I would say just leave her when she leaves for work, but, she'd end up with the house and everything, because she'd go for abandonment. Have you thought about contacting a Good men's rights Lawyer, on your own, and have the papers drawn up. I wouldn't tell her squat until the last possible second, then drop it on her, have your Lawyer deliver the divorce papers to her workplace. Then, if it's legal by then, get out of the house before she comes home, and don't answer the phone!
Author gullible Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 Tonight we were supposed to meet with W's best friend, who used to be bi-curious but is no longer curious and her boyfriend for drinks. My goal was to try to get confirmation that W and BF had had a sexual encounter (is that a good word for it?) and use that as an reason to tell W that I was getting a divorce. However the meeting was cancelled and now she's going to a movie with best friend next week instead. Even so, my plans are still to tell her tomorrow that I want a divorce. My goal is to get her to agree to it so that we don't have to have the expense and the emotional drain of going through a contested divorce. Hopefully I won't wimp out.
Author gullible Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 I finally had the discussion with W last night and told her I wanted a divorce. The conversation went about like I had anticipated. She insisted that she hadn't done anything wrong, that the OM was just a friend and she hadn't told me about meeting him because of her experience with her prior H. She said that there were lots of things that I had done in our marriage that hurt her, but that she loved me and she had forgiven me. She said that if I had put 10% of the effort into improving the marriage rather than obsessing about this non-issue with her meeting with another man that we would have had a great marriage. She said the only reason that she started communicating with OM was that I wasn't giving her what she needed. She said that I was so self-absorbed in myself that I never thought about anybody else. She said that I didn't act like normal husbands, and that I never tried to make our marriage better. I asked for examples. I never surprised her with weekend trips that I had planned by myself, I never gave her little gifts, I never put my arms around her when we were watching television. A few months ago she had surgery and we stopped for take-home food on the way home. When we got in the driveway we both opened our doors, and not realizing that she needed help getting out of the car I took the food and went inside the house. She immediately called me on her cellphone and asked me to come back outside and help her out of the car. She said that really hurt thinking that I was more concerned about the food than her. She told me that I was quite fortunate to her as a wife because she had put up with this kind of stuff and hadn't complained like most wives would have, and that I would never be able to find another wife that would do that. She said that she should have told me about talking to and meeting OM but the punishment FAR outweighed the crime. I said that my biggest problem was that she had lied to me about it, and that if he was really just a friend I would have had no problem with her talking to him or meeting him. By the time we were finished with the discussion I was apologizing for being such a jerk and a bad husband. I was convinced that everything was my fault and was on the verge of begging her to give me another chance. However, I didn't. Today I feel horrible.
Darth Vader Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I finally had the discussion with W last night and told her I wanted a divorce. The conversation went about like I had anticipated. She insisted that she hadn't done anything wrong, that the OM was just a friend and she hadn't told me about meeting him because of her experience with her prior H. She said that there were lots of things that I had done in our marriage that hurt her, but that she loved me and she had forgiven me. She said that if I had put 10% of the effort into improving the marriage rather than obsessing about this non-issue with her meeting with another man that we would have had a great marriage. She said the only reason that she started communicating with OM was that I wasn't giving her what she needed. She said that I was so self-absorbed in myself that I never thought about anybody else. She said that I didn't act like normal husbands, and that I never tried to make our marriage better. I asked for examples. I never surprised her with weekend trips that I had planned by myself, I never gave her little gifts, I never put my arms around her when we were watching television. A few months ago she had surgery and we stopped for take-home food on the way home. When we got in the driveway we both opened our doors, and not realizing that she needed help getting out of the car I took the food and went inside the house. She immediately called me on her cellphone and asked me to come back outside and help her out of the car. She said that really hurt thinking that I was more concerned about the food than her. She told me that I was quite fortunate to her as a wife because she had put up with this kind of stuff and hadn't complained like most wives would have, and that I would never be able to find another wife that would do that. She said that she should have told me about talking to and meeting OM but the punishment FAR outweighed the crime. I said that my biggest problem was that she had lied to me about it, and that if he was really just a friend I would have had no problem with her talking to him or meeting him. By the time we were finished with the discussion I was apologizing for being such a jerk and a bad husband. I was convinced that everything was my fault and was on the verge of begging her to give me another chance. However, I didn't. Today I feel horrible. She's just projecting the blame on you, and is not accepting any responsibility for her actions! We can't help you if you're not willing to help yourself! YOU got to do something for yourself!
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