shes not sorry

[hurtsimon]

my wife of 18 years recently had a 3 month affair, i suspected this, and eventually confronted her with evidence and she admitted it.

the relationship between her and the other man was not very physical, (i think they met no more than 6 times in 3 months, and only once overnight) but it was very emotional (hundreds and hundreds of text messages)

 

now 7 weeks down the line, she is still with me, she says she loves me, and she says she is commited to our relationship but she is quite cold towards me.It took her several weeks from when i confronted her about the affair, to her finally stoping having contact with him, She is sorry for hurting me, but is not sorry she had an affair. i am trying hard to repair our relationship, but if i make a loving gesture (eg i left a heart shaped choclate in her car for her to find when she left for work) she gets annoyed and says i didnt do it before, so i shouldnt do it now.

I love her very much, and maybe i am smothering her too much

any advise?????

[Woggle]

Why do you even want a woman like this in your life? Don't you deserve better than this?

[2sunny]

if you are willing to forgive her - then you might want to consider marriage counseling.

 

the fact that her actions aren't showing her sorrow is not necessarily a good sign.

 

good luck to you...

[SimpleyMe]

From what you have posted it seems as though you are the one trying to make things work,and trying to make up for things.

 

She's the one that had the A.

 

Both you and her need to be willing to work on the relationship.

 

If the A was just over 7 weeks ago,that could be the reason why she is cold towards you maybe she is not over him yet.

 

It seems as though she may still have feelings towards OM considering she does not regret the A.

[jmargel]

Her being defensive is a red flag that the affair is still going on.. Sorry, but you need to go with your gut instinct on this.

 

Her lack of remorse is also a sign, she is still in defense mode and still is justifying her behavior. Nothing will change until she changes her attitude towards this and feels some empathy for you and what has been done.

 

I would recommend scheduling an appointment with a marraige counselor and ask her to come with. Apparently she's hurt over the past? What has gone on between you two over the years?

 

Sounds like the communication has also been damaged pretty bad.. No choclate hearts are going to fix that..

 

Counseling and finding a better way to communicate with each other is the first step to fixing this..

[Bryanp]

If she is not even sorry for cheating on you and betraying you then what is the point? She says she is not sorry for the affair? This means the affair may still be going on. In addition, if she is not sorry for the affair why should she not have another affair when she wants to do it again? Even after she was confronted she continued with the affair. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What have been the consequences to her actions?

 

If the roles were reversed and you said you were not sorry for having the affair what do you think your wife's reaction would be? Why would you wish to remain with somebody like this? The chances are great that this will happen again down the road.

[Owl]

OK...a couple of things.

 

First...you need PROOF that NC is in place. How is she proving it to you? Has she given up all of her accesses that she used to contact OM? Become an "open book"? Does she account for her time, etc...?

 

If she's in any kind of contact with OM at all...ANY kind of contact...then she'll stay this way. There is no recovery possible while she remains in any kind of contact with OM.

 

Once NC is established, it takes weeks/months for her to get through the "withdrawl" at the loss of that relationship. Has she seemed depressed/angry/withdrawn since NC was established? If so...GOOD. Then it means that NC is likely in place, and there's a good chance that things will improve with time. If NOT...big red flags that NC is likely not in place.

 

If she IS in withdrawl, any attempts at showing your love to her is going to be useless at best. She's going to resent it...the BEST way to show her your love is to be there for her, to be available to talk through what's going on, what she's feeling. Actions, rather than demonstrations, will do you more good.

 

I went through this same issue when my wife was in withdrawl after HER EA.

[Owl]

She might not be sorry until after she gets through withdrawl...she'll feel it was "justified".

 

The BIGGEST thing right now is ensuring that NC is in place...

[sally4sara]

She's NOT sorry for having the affair and she isn't taking a shine to any of your romantic efforts.....

 

I think the most telling thing you said in your original post was what she said about how if it isn't something you normally did in the past, you shouldn't be doing it now.

I think she sounds like she probably has at least taken her contact with the OM down to a minimum. I think she feels she was motivated to stray due to feeling neglected. Whether she was neglected or not, cheating isn't the honorable response to feeling neglected, but I can see how it might make someone who became weak enough to stray feel like you are rubbing salt in the wound. She stepped out, she may not be ready to SAY she is sorry for having the affair, but she undoubtably feels guilt. And when you do something extra or special it comes across like "hey maybe if you were doing these things to begin with I wouldn't have turned weak". She gets cross because it's so much easier to feel like it was your fault too that she strayed and not just hers. If she has cut all ties with the OM, it could also be that she is trying to resolve to accept your style of loving her because she took vows with you and if you give her extra attention that she doubts you will able to sustain, it will feel that much emptier if you stop doing these things down the road.

I'm not saying her reaction is right, or healthy, just that it might be some of what is going through her head.

[Laptop2008]

1) the relationship between her and the other man was not very physical,

 

2) to her finally stoping having contact with him

 

You're in denial if you believe the above two statements.

[twice_shy]

She is sorry for hurting me, but is not sorry she had an affair.

 

that right there is all that needs to be heard.

 

Divorce her. She doesn't deserve a good man.

[45Reverse]

my wife of 18 years recently had a 3 month affair, i suspected this, and eventually confronted her with evidence and she admitted it.

the relationship between her and the other man was not very physical, (i think they met no more than 6 times in 3 months, and only once overnight) but it was very emotional (hundreds and hundreds of text messages)

 

now 7 weeks down the line, she is still with me, she says she loves me, and she says she is commited to our relationship but she is quite cold towards me.It took her several weeks from when i confronted her about the affair, to her finally stoping having contact with him, She is sorry for hurting me, but is not sorry she had an affair. i am trying hard to repair our relationship, but if i make a loving gesture (eg i left a heart shaped choclate in her car for her to find when she left for work) she gets annoyed and says i didnt do it before, so i shouldnt do it now.

I love her very much, and maybe i am smothering her too much

any advise?????

 

 

Divorce the bitch...Trust me, she's still into the OM and you are setting yourself up to be taken down by her games.

[LakesideDream]

We have different standards. I would consider 6 physical meetings including an "overnight" in a three month period to be "frequent" you haven't commented on the number of other contacts, phone, email, etc.

 

From your post, it sounds to me like your wife has "checked out" of the marriage and is marking time until she makes a definitive move. I'm sad for you, it sounds like your marriage is on it's last legs.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Serve her with divorce papers and expose the affair and just tell her:

 

Hey if your not sorry, neither am I. Step!!!!

 

If you got no kids I ask you to run now because any woman worth her weight would remain faithful and not only that would have remorse about it. Maybe she feels dirty and guilty about it that's why she puts on a front but. Nonetheless. Maybe she'll feel different if your gone.

[mark982]

she's still cheating,no respect for you or your feelings. cut your losses,show her the door.

[mrmaximum]

Serve her with divorce papers and expose the affair and just tell her:

 

Hey if your not sorry, neither am I. Step!!!!

 

If you got no kids I ask you to run now because any woman worth her weight would remain faithful and not only that would have remorse about it. Maybe she feels dirty and guilty about it that's why she puts on a front but. Nonetheless. Maybe she'll feel different if your gone.

 

You're feelings for her a very strong, no doubt, but her comments and attitude are hard to ignore!! I feel sorry for you to be in this predicament. Anyone who really cares about their relationship doesn't engage in behavior of this sort. You shouldn't be the one to gravitate to her, she should be showing much more initiative and much more remorse!! To settle your own conscience give counseling a try, but if her behavior doesn't change bounce, there are more fish in the see and you have already spent far too much time with this one!!

[TechDude]

now 7 weeks down the line, she is still with me, she says she loves me, and she says she is commited to our relationship but she is quite cold towards me.

 

Is she committed enough to talk with you about why she is cold towards you? If the relationship is to have any future, there needs to be open and honest communication.

 

It took her several weeks from when i confronted her about the affair, to her finally stoping having contact with him,

I find that concerning to say the least.

 

but if i make a loving gesture (eg i left a heart shaped choclate in her car for her to find when she left for work) she gets annoyed and says i didnt do it before, so i shouldnt do it now.

Sounds like denial to me. Assuming she is genuine (as she says) about continuing your relationship, you actions are a reminder of what she did wrong. She might be wanting to forget about it. However, simply pushing it to the back of her mind without the 2 of you working through why it happened in the first place does not resolve the problem.

 

Tell her you don't want her to feel the way she did that led to the affair. But, to do this, you both have to work through the issues together ... it is a relationship ... it takes two.

 

The future of the relationship does not depend on what has happened in the past. Love has a great capacity to forgive. The future of the relationship depends on the willingness of BOTH parties to work to resolve issues moving forward.

 

While she is in the wrong for having an affair, I'd be guessing there were some issues in the first place that contributed to this. Nonetheless, if she genuinely wants the relationship to continue, then I would suggest you have the right to set ground rules about communication and discussing the problems that led to this. She won't like that, she would rather ignore it.

 

I love her very much

So I worry that you won't make the hard decisions.

 

and maybe i am smothering her too much

Maybe. You are trying to demonstrate love, because you assume that is what was wrong in the first place. Better to talk with her about what was missing that led to the affair.

[TMCM]

In an affair there is a lot of emotional investment between the cheating spouse and the OP and when it ends before its natural death, there is going to be a period of withdrawal. It may be that your wife is cold to you because she is still withdrawing from the affair.

 

but if i make a loving gesture (eg i left a heart shaped choclate in her car for her to find when she left for work) she gets annoyed and says i didnt do it before, so i shouldnt do it now.

 

How would you feel if it had been you that had the affair because she had closed herself off to you sexually and emotionally, and after d-day she was trying to give you what she had denied you before she found out about your affair? Somewhat irked wouldn't you say? After all it was only after she realized that she may lose you to another woman that she finally gave you that which she once denied you. It smacks of fear more than love doesn't it? So stop trying to do things for her that make you look more like a scared bunny than a loving husband who has seen the light and is doing his absolute best to give his wife what she needs from him to be happy. Start by becoming genuinely interested in her and in the things she values in life and eventually she'll regain feelings of love and desire for you. After all, it's hard to dislike people who genuinely like us and find us interesting, don't you agree?

[JustBreathe]

Here's my take:

 

It sounds like blame shifting to me. When a cheater is caught, they try to put the blame on the betrayed party. "If you had done this.. you never did this..." blah dee blah b.s. What makes me think that is her comment that your romantic gesture was something you never been before. LIke she's reasoning in her mind that the affair wouldn't have happened if you hadn't fallen short in the romance department. Ridiculous.

 

Does she seem to blame you for her actions? Has she made comments that make you feel like you're somehow responsible?

 

Lastly, is the other man married? If so, I urge you to contact his wife and let her know. This is done in order to ensure they don't resume the affair once the dust settles because both spouses are clued into their actions and it will be harder to continue the affair. Also because the wife deserves to know, just as you know. It's only fair.

[PeachesnCream]

I don't think she's still in contact with OM, but I can't be sure.

 

However, she is resentful to the fact that you found out before she was able to tell you and that it stopped. Had said that, she sounds like she may be emotionally DONE with your marriage and needs to seek out intimacy from others to get what she feels she is NOT getting from her marriage.

 

This is a text book scenario. Sorry to say.

[carhill]

She is sorry for hurting me, but is not sorry she had an affair

 

Telling. Emotional attachment to OM is still there. How did you establish 3 months as the period? Her behavior indicates to me more time and emotion involved.

 

I think I'd move out and give her NC time to sort things out, meanwhile considering your options. Let her drive the move to try MC.

 

Helluva kick in the gut after 18 years

[MarriedLife]

Things can really go against you if you come across as vulnerable and weak and without confidence. Work on YOU. Build your confidence and self esteem. Your wife might be seeing these things in this other person.

 

Ultimately: Your wife if looking for romance, support, security, stability.

 

Can the other guy provide these things or are these attributes within you? Once you realize who you are, I hope you have the confidence to see things clearly and make the right decision: Stay? or go?

 

hang in there and good luck!

[hurtsimon]

i thought i would let this thread run for a while before i gave an update. this is so i got a balance in replies and sifted the wheat from the chaff. anyone reading through the replies will probably understand.

 

firstly to all those in the "why dont you divorce the Bitch" camp. Theanswer is simple. I love her,

 

For those that gave some constructive comment i thank you.

 

Any way where are we? the affair is well and truly over,(yes really, no contact at all)and we have had some very constructive communication.

 

we have tried some councilling, but we both feel it is better to sort our own issues out ( horses for courses)

 

she is a very diffent person now to what she was even 2 weeks ago. she is a lot warmer, in fact she told me she loved me without being prompted (its a small but signifigant step i feel)

 

i have eased off on the love pedal, both of us just being together is a lot

 

i have started taking a lot more intrest in my self, Losing weight, getting fit and rediscovering some forgotten intrsts

 

i cant lie, somtimes i have dark moments, but they are getting less

 

we are not out of the trees yet, but i do get the occasinal glimpses of sunlight.

 

i think the biggest factors are

 

A. Time. (heals many wounds)

 

B. My new found positive outlook

[carhill]

"B" will be important for the roller coaster ahead.

 

You all have experienced a life-changing event. It's not going to just "go away" IMO. "A" may in fact be a lot longer period than you currently envision.

 

That said, I wish you well and I will be indeed happy to be wrong

[Darth Vader]

She could be playing you, you know, waiting until the coast is clear. All I'm saying is, watch your back. It may not be over! By the way, it sounds like you haven't even hit the anger stage yet!

Edited March 8, 2008 by Darth Vader