MadeToHeal Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I'm a 22 year old female; I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years and living together for about 4 years now. We've never had much passion for each other or much in common, we just kind of worked and we decided to move in together. Neither of us like confrontation so we hardly ever bring up hard topics that might start a fight and we let a lot of things just slide by. I love him and care about him but I don't have romantic feelings for him and I haven't for a long time, probably for about 3 years. He treats me okay, nothing special...he isn't a romantic guy and he has a hard time expressing emotions in general, this makes it hard for me to know what he is feeling. We have had fun together, but it seems like we are just friends most of the time. Neither of us looks at the other the same that we used to. Our sex life used to be pretty healthy until about a year after we moved in together and then we started going longer and longer without sex. At the time when I met this new guy, back in Oct, My boyfriend and I hadn't had sex in about 4 or 5 months. I was pretty content with the way things were going until I met this new guy who goes to school with my boyfriend and they have some friends in common. Anyway I really just thought he was a cool guy and we would be friends, but I found myself thinking about him all the time. I was pretty surprised that I was attracted to him because I really hadn't thought about being with anyone other than my boyfriend before. These feelings scared me and I decided to tell my boyfriend about them, I told him that I was starting to have feelings for someone and that maybe we should break up. He was really surprised but told me that he had been wanting to break up for a couple years and was too afraid of hurting me so he was just waiting it out until I brought it up. He said he was doing just barely enough to get by as a boyfriend and really wanted nothing more than that. So he had really wanted me to break up with him so he wouldn't have to do it. We had a long talk about breaking up and we both decided it was for the best, we even talked about who would be moving out (me) and how we would split up the stuff that we bought together. It was a pretty solid plan and we both felt good about it until I went to sleep on the couch that night and broke down in tears because I thought I had made a huge mistake, I started thinking about all the memories we've made together and how much I would miss having him around. Mostly though, the pressure of me getting a job and moving out on my own scares the crap out of me. I moved across the country to be with him but now I have made this place my home so I intend to stay in the area even though he was really the only reason I came here. I ended up crying all night and begging him to take me back because I thought we could work on the relationship and make everything better. He finally said "ok, I guess" after a couple hours of me breaking down and crying. We ended up having sex that night and the next night too but then things just went back to the way they used to be, I started sleeping on the couch again and just wishing I could figure out if I wanted to be with him or not. During this time I hadn't really been talking to the new guy because he knew I had a boyfriend and I thought he wasn't interested anyway, plus I really needed time to think about things with my boyfriend before getting someone new thrown into the mix. I guess I didn't really figure much out because I started talking to the new guy about 2 months later around Christmas; we ended up talking just about every day for several hours. This went on for weeks until we saw each other at a friend’s house and then we started talking about hanging out alone or spending more time getting to know each other. We talked about sex and our attraction for each other and we both really wanted to get to know each other better. So I ended up making plans with the new guy to hang out over Spring break (this past week) because his roommates were all going out of town and he would have the place to himself. We decided that I could lie to my boyfriend and tell him I was going out of town with a friend and stay over at the new guys place instead. We had this planned out for several weeks and in the time leading up to spring break he gave me a few rides home from friends places and we would make out in his car every time. We had to hide this from my boyfriend and all our friends so when they were around we acted like nothing was going on between us. Spring break finally came and we had planned to have the sleep over on Friday. So on Monday I went over and we had a really good time together and ended up having sex. Then I went over on Wednesday and he told me he really enjoyed being with me and he asked me if I would sleep over Thursday and Friday so I said yes. I didn't feel so guilty about just having sex with the new guy but when it came time to lie and spend two nights away from home I started to feel pretty horrible about myself and I changed my mind about doing the sleep over thing. I was going to tell the new guy I didn't want to go when he came to pick me up, but when I saw his face I couldn't do it...I know he was really looking forward to it and being with him makes me so happy I just couldn't say no. The new guy felt pretty paranoid and guilty most of the time and I was probably thinking too much about making him feel better and enjoying my time with him that I didn't really develop feelings of remorse. The entire time we spent together was incredible and I felt things I never knew I could feel, I never felt these strong feelings for my boyfriend. I was really happy and felt like I was on top of the world. I know it sounds nuts but I really thought he might be the one. We laughed and smiled the whole time. He cooked me dinner and breakfast, treated me so perfectly and said all the things I wanted to hear. Both nights we fell asleep in each other's arms, it felt so good to be held and touched by him. I haven't felt so good in such a long time...I had no idea it could be so wonderful! I don't think anyone has ever looked at me the way the new guy looked at me. When it was time for him to bring me home he told me he didn't like all the sneaking around and felt pretty horrible and guilty and didn't want to do it again. I was really sad to hear that we wouldn't be able to do it again, but I agreed that it was probably for the best. But once I got home and back to my normal life...I couldn't stand it. Those 2 days were so incredible how I could go back to my boring life with my boyfriend who really isn't interested in me anymore? It really got to me and I talked to the new guy about it. I told him I wanted to leave my boyfriend and get a place of my own; I asked him if he would be interested in dating me once I was single. He said he would like to try dating me but he wants to do things right this time and won't be with me until things are over with my boyfriend for good. I'd really like to move out and start dating the new guy but I'm so afraid that things might not work out with him and then I might regret leaving my boyfriend of 6 years. I feel really safe and comfortable with my boyfriend and I've been with him so long that I don't know what I would do without him. I still care about my boyfriend and love him, I just don't know if I can live like this for much longer. This new guy has really opened up my eyes to let me see how much better things can be if I'm with the right person and I'd really like to explore that even if it doesn't work out with him. I'm only 22 years old and I'm so afraid that my life is going to be boring with my boyfriend and there are no more surprises, I can't stand that! I think I need to move out and be on my own for awhile, just to help me grow up a little. I also think that I should be dating and meeting new people and finding out who I am as person and not holding myself back just because being with my boyfriend is easy and convenient. If I leave my boyfriend I will have to get a job and my own place and I'm scared I won't be able to live on my own and support myself, I rely on my boyfriend for financial support. So what should I do? Should I leave or stay?
sb129 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I think you owe to your BF to leave him. You can't just keep him hanging around in the background because you need him for financial support, and "just in case" things don't work out with the other guy- thats very unfair. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he did that to you? I think you need to set him free so he can find someone who appreciates him, and you need to challenge yourself by living on your own. Getting a job and your own place will probably be good for you, and will help you to grow up a bit. The new guy sounds like he at least has a bit of a conscience in the fact that he said he won't see you anymore until you have split up with your BF. He probably should have said that a little bit earlier, but anyway, he has done the right thing by doing this- if you try to have two guys on the go at once, you will most likely end up with none.
OWoman Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 If I leave my boyfriend I will have to get a job and my own place and I'm scared I won't be able to live on my own and support myself, I rely on my boyfriend for financial support. So what should I do? Should I leave or stay? OK. You've stayed put for the last three years, despite losing interest, because of fear and a free ride. You're scared of moving on because you worry about leaving a 6 year relationship behind you. If you put it off, you'll be scared of leaving a 7, 10, 20 year relationship and wondering where your youth went. You're 22. Life is probably scary in many respects but if you're ever going to grow into your adult self you need to become your own person, not your boyfriend's kept woman (not sure what he's getting out of it?) and not some new guy's girlfriend. You owe it to everyone concerned, but mostly yourself, to be honest about what you really want. You can cling and be dependent on others all your life, or you can claim your own space and come out from the shadows. Your call.
TMCM Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 The fact that you are only with your boyfriend because you are afraid of being alone and are having an affair with this other guy is proof that need to grow up and start becoming a self-sufficient human being otherwise you'll keep on repeating the same pattern with the new man in your life. Is that what you want? Until you become an emotionally secure individual you have no business being in a committed relationship.
Owl Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Owoman, here we go agreeing again!!! Great advice...I hope that Madetoheal takes it to heart.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 If I leave my boyfriend I will have to get a job and my own place and I'm scared I won't be able to live on my own and support myself, I rely on my boyfriend for financial support. Don't stay because he supports you financially. If you have to, move back home or get roommates. You love him but aren't inlove with him and aren't sexually attracted to him anymore, you find him boring, don't have much incommon with him - WHY stay? It's unfair to him, he deserves to find someone who will truly love and adore him, not just stay because of the $$. I mean, imagine how HE is going to feel if he finds out you've been cheating on him and using him in a sense for security. Not a nice thing to do to someone who helps you financially..
Leia Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 OK. You've stayed put for the last three years, despite losing interest, because of fear and a free ride. You're scared of moving on because you worry about leaving a 6 year relationship behind you. If you put it off, you'll be scared of leaving a 7, 10, 20 year relationship and wondering where your youth went. You're 22. Life is probably scary in many respects but if you're ever going to grow into your adult self you need to become your own person, not your boyfriend's kept woman (not sure what he's getting out of it?) and not some new guy's girlfriend. You owe it to everyone concerned, but mostly yourself, to be honest about what you really want. You can cling and be dependent on others all your life, or you can claim your own space and come out from the shadows. Your call. A'hhhuuuuhhhh..... OWoman got it right!
twice_shy Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 So what should I do? Should I leave or stay? Uh, you really have to ask this question? You're 2 choices are: 1) leave so you can get what you want and set your boyfriend free to find someone he is compatible with. or 2) stay with your boyfriend and continue the deplorable act of cheating on him. When put in that context, which do YOU think you should do?
Mr. Lucky Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 If I leave my boyfriend I will have to get a job and my own place and I'm scared I won't be able to live on my own and support myself, I rely on my boyfriend for financial support. So what should I do? Should I leave or stay? I have to give you credit, MadetoHeal, because you were very honest in your post about your fears and motivations. That can be very hard to do as that kind of harsh self-examination can portray one in a less than flattering light. What if, out of the blue, I came to you with this offer? I provide you a nice place to live and financial support. In exchange, you would only have to have occasional sex with me. Interested? Mr. Lucky
LakesideDream Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Ah... a Cake Eater. What's the problem? It's the 21st Century, you can do whatever you want to. If you want to continue to sponge off your boyfriend you can. Just keep your mouth shut and your legs closed when you are "home" and continue to lie, cheat, and excercise your vagina when you won't get caught. Or at 22 you can just walk away and begin to live an adult life. The experiances you have gained with your LT live in boyfriend, and your sexually attractive OM will become more valuable as time goes by and you have other oppertunities to excercise the skills and techniques you have aquired. Seriously, you don't have a problem. You are 22 with a whole life ahead of you. Do the best you can.
Jess-Belle Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Holy smokes Made... you sound EXACTLY like I used to be. Seriously, reading your post gave me flashbacks. Listen, DON'T make the mistake of staying in a relationship that you are clearly not satisfied with, due to your fear of the unknown. I threw away many good years doing just that... I finally saw the light only recently, except I am not 22, I am now about to turn 30. You CAN thrive on your own, believe that. I can understand how scary it is. Not only of learning to be completely self-sufficient, but essentially starting over from something that has become so familiar and comfortable to you from a very young age. I'm still scared at my age, so I can imagine how much worse it would be at 22. But staying in an unsatisfying relationship... and carrying on with others at the same time... big mistake... You're just going to wind screwing your mind and heart up, not to mention hurting people deeply, and you're going to regret it. Driven by my inability to function without having a boyfriend in my life, I played the whole "find a new backup bf before leaving the old one" game since I was in my early teens... it's incredibly addicting... and not only did I find myself in one hollow relationship after another... but when I finally did meet someone that I truly fell in love with and wanted a future with, I hurt him badly... all because I didn't have the balls to be honest with myself and everyone else involved... because I was just worried about what would work out best for ME... I'm still trying to repair the damage as we speak... But I've since left that way of living behind, got into counseling, and it feels incredibly good to be straightening things out. Happiness lies in your own hands, it really does. And to be honest you seem quite perceptive of your problem: you want everything that you feel you deserve but you just don't want to take any risks. Been there! You are right -- you're not going to be able to stand being in your current relationship. Do the fair thing, the honest thing. Life is about risks. Have faith! You can do it! There are single mothers of 5 out there making it happen... so can you. Best of luck!
Author MadeToHeal Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Holy smokes Made... you sound EXACTLY like I used to be. Seriously, reading your post gave me flashbacks. Listen, DON'T make the mistake of staying in a relationship that you are clearly not satisfied with, due to your fear of the unknown. I threw away many good years doing just that... I finally saw the light only recently, except I am not 22, I am now about to turn 30. You CAN thrive on your own, believe that. I can understand how scary it is. Not only of learning to be completely self-sufficient, but essentially starting over from something that has become so familiar and comfortable to you from a very young age. I'm still scared at my age, so I can imagine how much worse it would be at 22. But staying in an unsatisfying relationship... and carrying on with others at the same time... big mistake... You're just going to wind screwing your mind and heart up, not to mention hurting people deeply, and you're going to regret it. Driven by my inability to function without having a boyfriend in my life, I played the whole "find a new backup bf before leaving the old one" game since I was in my early teens... it's incredibly addicting... and not only did I find myself in one hollow relationship after another... but when I finally did meet someone that I truly fell in love with and wanted a future with, I hurt him badly... all because I didn't have the balls to be honest with myself and everyone else involved... because I was just worried about what would work out best for ME... I'm still trying to repair the damage as we speak... But I've since left that way of living behind, got into counseling, and it feels incredibly good to be straightening things out. Happiness lies in your own hands, it really does. And to be honest you seem quite perceptive of your problem: you want everything that you feel you deserve but you just don't want to take any risks. Been there! You are right -- you're not going to be able to stand being in your current relationship. Do the fair thing, the honest thing. Life is about risks. Have faith! You can do it! There are single mothers of 5 out there making it happen... so can you. Best of luck! I feel the same way...I've always had a man in my life since I was about 14 and It scares the crap out of me to think about not having one there all the time. Great advice, thank you!
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Learn to be alone and independant. You don't need a man to support you or keep you company. Having friends and family to help you and rely on is good, but to be self efficient is an even better thing.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Learn to be alone and independant. You don't need a man to support you or keep you company. Having friends and family to help you and rely on is good, but to be self efficient is an even better thing. It's not so much she doesnt need a man to support her, She has to answer why cant she be confident and support herself and not use others to get by. The poster that said: Hmmm I'm bored with him, I wonder if he feels the dame way about you as well?
mtndew Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 You CAN live by yourself, grow by yourself and become the very independant, functioning, loving person you are destined to become. Some of us get there early, some of us get there really late. Then you will be more suited for relationships and love. Don't do what I did. I am currently seperated from my W after 19 years because I settled for security, not true love and because it was "the thing to do." I too like you met someone who lit up my life, showed me what life and love should be and reset what I wanted out of life. Currently I am living by myself with NC with OW, attempting to grow up and face the road I'm on. You are soooo young. You have your entire life ahead of you. YOU CAN DO IT! Go out and experience life, experience people, experience relationships, experience different lines of work. Then you will hopefully learn that building a relationship involves a lot of work and a lot of stages, the last of which should be intimacy. You will find something you love to do and someone to share your life with. I wish I would have someone tell me this when I was your age and me have the ability and patience to understand it. Good luck.
Jess-Belle Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I feel the same way...I've always had a man in my life since I was about 14 and It scares the crap out of me to think about not having one there all the time. Great advice, thank you! Yep, I know how that is... The big problem with feeling that way is, you will keep getting into relationships, and perhaps even staying in them, for the wrong reasons. And it years' time, that can leave you feeling bitter, pissed off and jaded. I spent 6 years in a relationship where I was absolutely not happy. I never even felt like the guy was really in love with me. Yet I just couldn't bring myself to leave for that long. I really damaged myself there. Of course I finally did find my suitable "backup" and left, and ironically, it was one of the most peaceful relationships I ever had... but a year and a half later I found myself as you do now... bored out of my skull! And it was because since I just wanted this guy to numb my pain, and make me feel "safe" and comfortable that I had a backup relationship, I didn't bother to notice he wasn't a guy I would have gone out with under ordinary circumstances. Hell, he didn't even live in the same country! I only saw him for a week or so every two months! And despite being bored and no longer having romantic feelings for him, I resisted leaving him because I felt bad about hurting him. *sigh* Can you see how far gone I had gotten? I can only say, thank goodness I didn't wind up marrying one of them or having any children with them.So since you are aware of your problem, it would serve you very well to really examine it and do what you can to find peace within yourself. I mean a LOT of introspection. Look up articles and things online, or go hang out at a bookstore and read books on this stuff. Write about it, in a journal or on a forum where you can get feedback. This would be of some help if you can't afford a therapist (my mom pays for mine!). Right now I am reading "Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne W. Dyer -- it's good stuff, you may want to check that out.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 And just remember the problem is not him, it's within you! lol. I've heard that so many times.
mental_traveller Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I feel the same way...I've always had a man in my life since I was about 14 and It scares the crap out of me to think about not having one there all the time. Great advice, thank you! Often the hardest thing to do is also the right thing. And vice versa! Think of it as an adventure, the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Instead of fear you can feel curiosity and excitement about becoming and independent adult. Then when you do meet someone you genuinely fall in love with, you are single and not bogged down in an unhappy relationship.
daisygirl Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 You CAN live by yourself, grow by yourself and become the very independant, functioning, loving person you are destined to become. Some of us get there early, some of us get there really late. Then you will be more suited for relationships and love. Don't do what I did. I am currently seperated from my W after 19 years because I settled for security, not true love and because it was "the thing to do." I too like you met someone who lit up my life, showed me what life and love should be and reset what I wanted out of life. Currently I am living by myself with NC with OW, attempting to grow up and face the road I'm on. You are soooo young. You have your entire life ahead of you. YOU CAN DO IT! Go out and experience life, experience people, experience relationships, experience different lines of work. Then you will hopefully learn that building a relationship involves a lot of work and a lot of stages, the last of which should be intimacy. You will find something you love to do and someone to share your life with. I wish I would have someone tell me this when I was your age and me have the ability and patience to understand it. Good luck. Totally agree!
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