ksc2004 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Hello everyone. I just want to say that this is a great site and its a resource that I've been praying to stumble upon, which I finally did tonight. So please help me with my issue(s)... Ok so here it goes... I've been with my guy for about 2.5 years now and things are going great. We were together before also (in high school, until he broke up with me). Back then he used to lie to me and belittle me. When I cried he kept pushing me to cry even more! I felt like my tears gave him an ego boost. We were only 15 and 16 then.. But now, we're 22 and 23 and love one another immensely.. But I have a dilemma. I CAN'T TRUST HIM WHATSOEVER! I want to be able to learn how to forget the past and move on. I want to know for sure if he'll stay faithful to me. When I am in a state of panic and bug him about cheating he would say things like "I love you too much for that & You know that's not my character & If I wanted to do anything that would disregard you or our relationship I would just leave you all together & Sorry to disappoint you but if you're looking for a cheater, you're with the wrong man honey"... My guy is wonderful in every aspect. I simply just do not know how to trust him. You're probably asking me... what has he done to make me distrust him? Well, my answer is ABSOLUTE NOTHING... but... before he used to let me go through his wallet, e-mail, and cell-phone. But for the past year he has taken those privileges away from me. He says that he needs privacy too. Yet if nothing is "fishy" then why take those away from me? He says that I need to learn to trust him if I want to marry him someday. He says that he wants our relationship to stop seeming like a teeny-bop relationship and foster into an adult relationship. Could you please tell me if I am wrong?I Or if he could be cheating? I know that my guy loves me a lot and that he cares for me like no other. But I feel as if he's just too good to be true and that to me is suspicious in itself. I have given my guy HELL times 1,000... I used to be physically abusive (slap him, butt head him, I even held a sharp object just to scare him)... and through all that crap he has not once tried to *seriously* leave me. When I try to leave him, he changes the subject and/or talks to me about the situation at hand to resolve it. He really is a wonderful man, but I just DO NOT TRUST HIM! He has even said.. "You're pushing me so much about this subject that its making me think if I should go and cheat so that when I do get blamed it would be for something and so that I'd feel guilty for something rather than having anxiety over something I've NEVER even done." So... with all this information can anyone please help me out? Could you please educate me on how to tell if he is cheating, if he is indeed faithful, and how to trust. I need to stop trying to figure out his passwords for the purpose of checking up on him. ARRGGHH....
Walk Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I'm going to side step the issue of whether he's cheating or not for a moment. You two have a very unhealthy relationship. Both of you have been verbally and physically abusive to each other. It seems to me that you are concerned he's cheating because you don't trust that he would want to be with just you. You seem to have an incredibly low self-esteem. You've used mental and phsyical tactics to manipulate your bf, and you consistently question his motives and agenda. I don't think your relationship needs your focus right now. I think YOU need it. The ONLY way you are going to have a good relationship (either with this man or someone different), is to get your head on straight. We all have problems in coping with things in life, and all of us need help at some point in time. I believe it would benefit both of you greatly if you were to seek some help in dealing with how you feel and how you think. I would suggest you speak to a counselor about the problems you are having. It would give you a safe place to vent your frustrations and fears, and it would give you better tools to cope with the problems you are having. And it could allow you to determine if this is a relationship you want to continue, and if it is how to get it to a healthier level. But as of now... if you continue acting the way you act then your relationship will be over with in less then a year. If that is what you want, then keep doing things the way you've been doing it. If you want a good relationship, then take the steps necessary to put yourself back into a healthy frame of mind. Because right now, you're not seeing rationally, your not dealing with your feelings well, and your abusive to your bf. If you really love him, then you need to work on yourself and stop worrying about what he's doing or not doing. He Can't Help You. No amount of reassurance from him is helping. Colleges have counselors you can talk to, a pastor or priest can help point you toward resources that can help you, the phone book and internet have plenty of resources for information on counselors, etc. You need to put some actual effort into changing things instead of asking your bf to fix it all. Either get help from someone who's qualified to help you, or watch your relationship die. Up to you.
Author ksc2004 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 The sad part is.... that I am already seeing a counselor. I have been seeing her for about a 2 months now... It's helping somewhat, but in other ways she's very ineffective. :-(
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