3 years and nothing to show

[jton30]

I've browsed these forums for a while and so many stories could be mine. Right now I'm just looking for a little support. I'm a 35 year old divorced man and have had a serious affair for 3 years with a 24 year old married woman. When we started, she was separated and claimed to be moving toward divorce. Obviously it never happened. I hung in there after their reunion thinking perhaps I could 'prove' to her that I was the right choice. After a few months of that, my ego was too bruised and I took myself out of the game.

 

Well, a few months later after not seeing her at all, she crept back into my life - only now she was a few months pregnant. While she hinted that it could be mine, I (and she) knew that it wasn't. In hindsight, I have no idea why I recommenced the affair. It went on for another year and a half, through the birth and continued professions from her that she was done and was 'getting close' to leaving.

 

At that time I found out she had been corresponding in a more than friendly way with someone else and it gave me proof positive that she wasn't serious at all about me - or leaving him - but was what we kindly call a cake-eater. Her husband eventually found out about this other guy and kicked her out of the house.

 

You can guess what happened next. She came back to me strong claiming that it's finally done and asking whether I was still wanting her. I was reluctant to say the least and my guess is that, finding she had nowhere to go, she started wearing him down to take her back. Several months later, she's now moved back in and I'm still involved with her though my eyes are wide open to the reality of all of this.

 

I have a lot going on in my head. I do love her and care about her and a lot of what she does is out of fear or helplessness. I've realized I can't 'save' her from what she and I both see as a dysfunctional marriage. She does admit to having a severe dependency and fear of leaving him despite her desire to move on. I'd love for things to work out for us, but at this point it'll take initiative on his part and he seems complacent. He has a very good idea that I exist, but does his best to avoid taking any action.

 

Anyway, that's just scratching the surface. I know I'm stuck, I know it's a long shot, I do still have feelings for her though we both realize they're fading over time buried under the stress of everything that's gone on. Perhaps someone with some distance and less emotional investment can decipher all of this. I've pushed her to the point where she's honest about her fear of leaving but I do believe she's sincere about having a true desire to be with me.

[whichwayisup]

Think long term - She's 24 years old, you're 35. She has kids...She's cheated on her husband, not only with you, but with someone else as well. Let's say she leaves for good and they divorce. Could you trust her fully? Could you two build an honest relationship, could you be step father to her kids, knowing that her ex would always be in the picture at times because of the kids?

 

Read stampdaddy's threads.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I've browsed these forums for a while and so many stories could be mine. Right now I'm just looking for a little support. I'm a 35 year old divorced man and have had a serious affair for 3 years with a 24 year old married woman. When we started, she was separated and claimed to be moving toward divorce. Obviously it never happened. I hung in there after their reunion thinking perhaps I could 'prove' to her that I was the right choice. After a few months of that, my ego was too bruised and I took myself out of the game.

 

Well, a few months later after not seeing her at all, she crept back into my life - only now she was a few months pregnant. While she hinted that it could be mine, I (and she) knew that it wasn't. In hindsight, I have no idea why I recommenced the affair. It went on for another year and a half, through the birth and continued professions from her that she was done and was 'getting close' to leaving.

 

At that time I found out she had been corresponding in a more than friendly way with someone else and it gave me proof positive that she wasn't serious at all about me - or leaving him - but was what we kindly call a cake-eater. Her husband eventually found out about this other guy and kicked her out of the house.

 

You can guess what happened next. She came back to me strong claiming that it's finally done and asking whether I was still wanting her. I was reluctant to say the least and my guess is that, finding she had nowhere to go, she started wearing him down to take her back. Several months later, she's now moved back in and I'm still involved with her though my eyes are wide open to the reality of all of this.

 

I have a lot going on in my head. I do love her and care about her and a lot of what she does is out of fear or helplessness. I've realized I can't 'save' her from what she and I both see as a dysfunctional marriage. She does admit to having a severe dependency and fear of leaving him despite her desire to move on. I'd love for things to work out for us, but at this point it'll take initiative on his part and he seems complacent. He has a very good idea that I exist, but does his best to avoid taking any action.

 

Anyway, that's just scratching the surface. I know I'm stuck, I know it's a long shot, I do still have feelings for her though we both realize they're fading over time buried under the stress of everything that's gone on. Perhaps someone with some distance and less emotional investment can decipher all of this. I've pushed her to the point where she's honest about her fear of leaving but I do believe she's sincere about having a true desire to be with me.

 

ROFLMAO!!!

 

Your joking right?

 

She's 24, a liar and a cheat, Not only is she cheating on ehr husband with you, she's cheating on you with someone else!!!!

 

LOL. and you say you love her, she doesnt love you and that's the truth, she's a liar and user, and if you stay and be coochie whipped you deserve all that you get and please dont give me any sympathy bout my ex cheated and whatnot.

 

God, sometimes serious I just want to laugh all day listening to the ridiculous people who cheat and listen to their crap excuses.

 

I mean seriously how co-dependant are you to even involve yourself with a toxic woman. blow the whistle on her!

[showupbutbroken]

You need to leave, completely and cold turkey. And I mean run in the other direction. She is messed up and needs to figure out her life and priorities. And in all probability, that will not mean ending up with you. I had to make the same hard decision with my MM but I know if we are to ever have had a chance, he would need to get himself back to being whole again. And I am letting go as if I will never hear from him again. I want him to be happy and myself to be happy at the end of the day. We were both unhappy before in that horrible state of limbo. Get your life back, seriously!

[Gwyneth]

I'm shocked you had sex with her while she was pregnant, and right after birth. First thing that comes to my mind is "yuck."

 

Anyway, she sounds confused. She's young, married, has children, and what seems to be quite a few affairs under her belt. Perhaps she married for the wrong reasons.

 

I agree, Run like Hell!!! I have a friend who married young and she seems very unhappy. I"m not saying all women who marry before they're 30 are unhappy, but if this girl is having affairs--While pregnant!, chances are, she's unhappy.

 

I've pushed her to the point where she's honest about her fear of leaving but I do believe she's sincere about having a true desire to be with me.

 

I think she has a fear of being alone, and depends on a man to support her...? I don't know her, so I cannot say for sure, but I know how some women are and this could be a possibility.

 

On the otherhand, I think you are capable of finding a more mature woman who knows what she wants (a lady perhaps?) whom you can be happy with. I think we all deserve that, don't you?

 

Run!

[Lookingforward]

Jton, you went through the pain and trauma of divorce, why on god's green earth would you even THINK of being involved with someone who's married ?

 

I agree with the other posters, run , do not walk, to the nearest exit and do NOT look back, EVER!!

 

Go find yourself someone who like you is FREE to be involved, and is not a liar or a cheater, someone worthy of your trust and love, not to mention RESPECT.

 

Just my opinion, anyway

[torranceshipman]

omg what are you even thinking? There is nothing good about this situation...she doesn't love you, she's using you, cheating on you (another guy ASIDE from the H!!!), and sorry to say it but, making a big fool out of you. Why waste your life on a nasty piece of work like her?

[Meaplus3]

I've browsed these forums for a while and so many stories could be mine. Right now I'm just looking for a little support. I'm a 35 year old divorced man and have had a serious affair for 3 years with a 24 year old married woman. When we started, she was separated and claimed to be moving toward divorce. Obviously it never happened. I hung in there after their reunion thinking perhaps I could 'prove' to her that I was the right choice. After a few months of that, my ego was too bruised and I took myself out of the game.

 

Well, a few months later after not seeing her at all, she crept back into my life - only now she was a few months pregnant. While she hinted that it could be mine, I (and she) knew that it wasn't. In hindsight, I have no idea why I recommenced the affair. It went on for another year and a half, through the birth and continued professions from her that she was done and was 'getting close' to leaving.

 

At that time I found out she had been corresponding in a more than friendly way with someone else and it gave me proof positive that she wasn't serious at all about me - or leaving him - but was what we kindly call a cake-eater. Her husband eventually found out about this other guy and kicked her out of the house.

 

You can guess what happened next. She came back to me strong claiming that it's finally done and asking whether I was still wanting her. I was reluctant to say the least and my guess is that, finding she had nowhere to go, she started wearing him down to take her back. Several months later, she's now moved back in and I'm still involved with her though my eyes are wide open to the reality of all of this.

 

I have a lot going on in my head. I do love her and care about her and a lot of what she does is out of fear or helplessness. I've realized I can't 'save' her from what she and I both see as a dysfunctional marriage. She does admit to having a severe dependency and fear of leaving him despite her desire to move on. I'd love for things to work out for us, but at this point it'll take initiative on his part and he seems complacent. He has a very good idea that I exist, but does his best to avoid taking any action.

 

Anyway, that's just scratching the surface. I know I'm stuck, I know it's a long shot, I do still have feelings for her though we both realize they're fading over time buried under the stress of everything that's gone on. Perhaps someone with some distance and less emotional investment can decipher all of this. I've pushed her to the point where she's honest about her fear of leaving but I do believe she's sincere about having a true desire to be with me.

 

I think your have really been strung along here by the woman. Gosh.. she's cheated twice on her H and she's only 24? If she's not sincere.. and does not have a true desire to be with you.. then you need to move on.. Good Luck.

 

AP:)

[Jess-Belle]

Jton, as a recovering relationship addict myself (and it sounds like that's what you're dealing with here), I can assure you that committing to a relationship with this woman will bring you tremendous heartache. Aside from the fact that she is still quite young, relationship addiction doesn't just disappear overnight. It takes a massive amount of effort and conviction, not to mention the hardest part, which is accepting that one has that problem to begin with. It's a truly venomous way of living, and it will consume whoever has the misfortune of getting involved. Don't do it.

[jton30]

Thanks for the buckets of cold water lol... I do know the score and by any objective point of view, it's all bound to fail. Just a few follow-up points.

 

I think perhaps she is a relationship addict. She tends toward the overly romantic and sentimental and has a somewhat inflated sense of drama to what's actually a pretty boring life.

 

It is fairly startling that in the few years she's been married and in her short lifetime, she's had multiple affairs with at least one lasting several years.

 

Jess-Belle, she does need help for whatever issues she has. The times I've wanted to leave for myself, I fell into the pity trap and thought perhaps I could help her out of her mess.

 

As for the 'what am I thinking' comments? There's sometimes a slippery slope where emotional attachments are involved. Had someone told me 3 years ago that this is where things would be - yes, I would've run. Hope is sometimes a tough thing to kill, but I'm doing my best. Thanks to all for throwing cold water...

[Jess-Belle]

Jess-Belle, she does need help for whatever issues she has. The times I've wanted to leave for myself, I fell into the pity trap and thought perhaps I could help her out of her mess.

 

Do you think perhaps you may have some co-dependency issues? I ask (and I know what it is like, I have the same issue) because of your comment suggesting that you have felt the need to help her or help "fix" her. As I am sure your logic is simultaneously telling you, it is she that has to fix this -- you are powerless to fix her problem, no amount of you being "good enough" will change her. But of course that doesn't quiet the compulsion to try.

Co-dependency can bind you to some downright toxic people. Perhaps look into this and see what you think.

 

I see it as a dance... with each partner having an issue that complements the other partner's issue. She has a relationship addiction problem, a cheating problem, a lying problem... but you are not running the other way. You are still drawn to her. Why? Ask yourself.