stophatin Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 She called me the other day to tell me that she's pregnant. She took the test and it is positive. We discussed it and we agreed it is best that she have an abortion. She is distraught and it was painful to hear her crying on the phone. But there was nothing I could say to her but that I love her and wish that I was there with her. She will have to go to the clinic alone. None of her friends are available and she doesn't want her family to know or she will be disowned. She says she is scared and alone. She is says she wants me to be here but I can't because I don't have the finances to come the and I will lose my job if I do go. I am in Europe and she's in the US. She said she understands and that she will take a taxi. I feel awful but what can I do?
JamesM Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 One quick question...is this baby yours? I ask because you said it is a LDR.
Author stophatin Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Yes, the baby is mine. She visited me this January and we had sex as her period was ending.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 The only thing you can do is support her to the best of your ability. I hope she thinks long and hard about the abortion, that is something that can really mess with a woman's mind after the fact. I think she really needs to find some local support- be it through a free clinic or confiding in a friend. She probably feels really alone right now. I feel for both of you.
Author stophatin Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 The only thing you can do is support her to the best of your ability. I hope she thinks long and hard about the abortion, that is something that can really mess with a woman's mind after the fact. I think she really needs to find some local support- be it through a free clinic or confiding in a friend. She probably feels really alone right now. I feel for both of you. Thanks. We're not in a position to have a child financially or logistically. I wish I was there to hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok. It's so frustrating and I hope she feels like she doesn't think that I don't care if I'm not there with her. She says she understands but I can hear the pain in her voice.
HisLove Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I think the first thing you can do is at least send her some money to help with the costs. So she goes to a reputable and safe clinic or hospital and is able to take taxis etc. Also when she goes for her appointment or the procedure itself, maybe you can ask to be put on speaker phone while she's talking to the doctor so it's like you are 'there' with her. It may be a $100 phone call, but not as much as an airfare. I'm so sorry she is having to make such a decision. It's not easy.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Yes, the baby is mine. She visited me this January and we had sex as her period was ending. Um, one doesn't normally ovulate at the same time her period ends.... Of course it can happen anytime... I do agree that sending money might help. An abortion isn't something she should be taking a Taxi to and from all by herself. She doesn't have anyone she can turn to? It's breaking my heart to hear she has no one local to turn to. If she lived near me I'd take her.... my heart goes out to her- and to you. It's a tough thing to go through.
Author stophatin Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 She doesn't have anyone. It's breaking my heart too, I'm thinking of where I can borrow money to buy the ticket over there. We both thought that she couldn't get pregnant during her period but her doctor said it was possible. Since it was toward the end , the sperm can live 3-5 days after her period finished and he's suspecting it was during that time she ovulated and the sperm stayed long enough to fertilize the egg.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 It does happen. My Ex husband got a woman pregnant while wearing a condom that didn't break.... so things happen. And yes, it makes sense that the sperm lives 3-5 days after and she ovulated during that time. It's too bad she can't confide in her friends.
Sheclectica Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I know you've already decided... but could either of you possibly consider adoption instead? I'm not meaning to get on a soapbox or anything; I just know too many women who were seriously affected by abortions for a long time... just make sure she is absolutely 100% certain, and that she has SOMEONE to be with her. Are you sure none of her friends can help her? This is a pretty huge thing... Most hospital have therapists to help women work through these situations; could she get with one of them? Good luck to both of you.
Els Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I know you posted here because you need help, not because you want to be lectured. And what's done is done. However, I cannot help but say this... when two people are in such a position as the two of you are (logistically, financially, and most importantly, LDR), you really cannot take unprotected sex so lightly (I assume that is what you did, from your post). If you want to risk having sex at all, utmost precaution (you can never be too careful) must be taken in such a situation. This will hurt her far more than you can imagine -- especially since she has to go it alone. Something to think about for the future. But now, what you can do is be immensely supportive. Be there for her as often as you possibly can -- and see her again ASAP. Talk to her, listen to her, and respect her decision regardless of what she chooses to do with the baby. Good luck.
Leia Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 People in LDR can't get pregnant? Just because they are in LDR does not mean one of them is cheating. OP, my heart goes out to you and your girlfriend. You sound really down that you can't be there for her. I am wondering though... what kinda friends does she have anyway? Not even one can take a day off to be with her? I'm with D-Lish, if I was anywhere near your girlfriend I would be with her to keep her company. It's amazing that strangers can be better friends than those so-called 'friends'.
JamesM Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 People in LDR can't get pregnant? Just because they are in LDR does not mean one of them is cheating. I have to assume that you are convinced that it is yours. If you visited in January and it is now the end of February, then it is possible if the visit was near the beginning of January. How old are you and how old is your GF? There are many emotional after effects of an abortion, and she should have someone who can be with her and help make the right decision. Making one impulsively without counsel could have an impact on the rest of her life.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 She definately needs to seek counselling and/or talk to her parents. Depending on how old you two are, I'm not sure if her having an abortion (is she agreeing with you or is this something you feel is the best for both of you?) after one talk is the right choice.
TMichaels Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 stophatin, Take a deep breath here, for a moment. You only saw your g/f in January -- this is February -- and she already knows she is pregnant??? When did you see her? When did she take this pregnancy test? Was it a DIY/home test, or one done in a doctor's office? Yes, it's been known to happen that women have gotten pregnant as "unusual times," however, from what you've posted, the sequence of events and timing seems a bit odd to me. Best, TMichaels
D-Lish Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Well, you'd know as soon as you miss your period. I knew within 2 weeks. Took a home test after being 2 days late- then saw the doc and had it confirmed. I'm curious to know what your ages are as well.
lovesick33 Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 All of the assumptions that this might not be the OP's child are pretty harsh... this is a horribly distressing thing to go through as it is, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the timeline here. The same scenario happened to me. Exactly. My heart goes out to you I became pregnant at the tail end of my period as well, when I thought there was absolutely no way I would be ovulating... I was young, and obviously very foolish, as was my boyfriend at the time (also a LDR, oddly enough... away at college). I knew I was pregnant instantly... even before my period was supposed to start... I just KNEW it. The decision to have an abortion was absolutely horrifying and incredibly painful. You are never sure it is the right thing I think. I'm sure many people will try to tell you that it is the wrong thing. Ultimately, because you can't be with her right now, she will be going through this alone. The best thing you can do is try to be there for her as much as possible. Talk to her. Support her. Encourage her to write down what she is feeling. Do something wonderful and unexpected for her. This is something that will affect her for the rest of her life. And you as well... best thing you can do is show each other support.
JamesM Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 All of the assumptions that this might not be the OP's child are pretty harsh... this is a horribly distressing thing to go through as it is, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the timeline here. I agree, and I for one do not meant to be harsh. Yet we see so many scenarios here that we do tend to be overly skeptical. We ask these questions so that we can be of better help. None are intending to make your life more painful or difficult, I am quite certain. What are your ages? What was the status of your relationship prior to this news?
Eilonwy Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 Can't you call in sick or so? You could go for only 3 days. Sure, it would be short, but it would be very important for her to have you there...
spookie Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I hope she really thinks through this. I am 100% pro-choice, as liberal as they get, and I had an abortion and it's fcvked me up for life, I think. I've been stuck in a maze of self-hatred, regret, and what-if's for a year, and no end in sight. Please send her money to at least cover it. She's going to be carrying the emotional burden of the abortion for the rest of her life; the least you can do is take the financial burden off her now. If there's any way you can do it, visit her. I am sure with sufficient explanation (aka family emergency) your work will let you take time off. Find the money. Borrow it from a parent, a friend. She should not have to do this alone. And speaking of alone... she should NOT take a taxi to the clinic. There's gotta be someone she can turn to. Clinics are open 6 days a week most places... there must be a time when one of her friends isn't at work. If she's trying to be completely secretive about this, she's just going to isolate herself in her pain once it's over... and that's going to be worse for her emotionally than if there were someone she could talk to. So, tell her to turn to her friends. (If they judge her they aren't her friends.) If there's really no one, if she lives near me, I'll take her. Seriously. I'm in Austin, Texas, and I'm nice. She's going to be completely fcvked up from the drugs after... I doubt she'll even be capable of taking a taxi. The first thing I remember after mine was eating noodles at my boyfriend's house. I don't remember how I got there, who cooked them, anything... I became conscious mid-meal. Please do not let her take a taxi.
SidCaesar Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Yes, the baby is mine. She visited me this January and we had sex as her period was ending. Sorry to burst your bubble, pops, but just because you had sex with her doesn't mean you're guaranteed to be the dad. It sounds like she's lonely and 3,000 miles away, and you have no way of knowing what she's been doing. Take a step back, and look at things objectively.
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